Fangirl Ex Machina
fantacination
A/N: This shouldn't have been as fun to do as it was. Great liberties have been taken with this fic with a smattering of shallow research into Ancient Greek weddings but taken with the anachronistic, distinctly north american twist shown in Disney's Hercules movie itself- where there are apparently fangirls and action figures. Aqua is interpreted more light-heartedly here because she does have a less serious side when she's with friends. We just see so much of her under pressure while all the shit is hitting the fan.
This wasn't how Terra had expected to spend his training visit to Olympus Coliseum.
For one thing, he'd seen his face on twenty different things that definitely were not supposed to have it, including one rather muscular bicep and a girl's bra. Terra wasn't really sure which one was worse.
For another, he couldn't walk ten meters without smacking into a kid waving around a tiny action figure in painted spandex and hakama bottoms.
And he definitely did not expect to be assaulted by a mob of skinny teenaged girls with more drive and unadulterated force between them than a hundred Buckled Bruisers- all of them screaming-
"Terra?"
Terra jumped up from behind the tall, imposing column he'd been hiding behind, half-sliding away and cursing the day he said he didn't need to learn how to dodgeroll before he realized whose voice it had been.
"…Aqua?"
Aqua placed one hand on her hip, examining Terra minutely with a look that said 'who did you think it was, dumdum?'
"What happened to you?" Then her expression morphed into grim concern. "Was it…?"
"No. There were these... girls." Which was worse, really.
Aqua lost all sympathy immediately. "Girls, huh?" She raised an eyebrow, and if Terra hadn't known better, he could've sworn that was a smirk.
"Yeah." Terra said shortly, avoiding her eyes and trying to piece his dignity back together. Along with the remains of his shirt. Time to change the subject. "Where's Ven?"
"He's training with Zack. I think they get along almost better than you two do. So what were these girls doing to poor little you?"
"Trying to marry me," Terra said stiffly.
Aqua stifled a laugh into her palm. "They didn't really?"
"They did," Terra insisted. He had the battle scars to prove it!
"Alright, and you couldn't handle a few girls, Terra?"
Terra kept his blush down manfully. But forgot to keep his frown from sulking. He couldn't even handle one girl, usually. Especially if they were crying. Or, in this case, raving. Spending most of your life training to be a Keyblade master didn't actually leave you any time to think about girls who weren't your rival.
"So, you're going to hide here until the Games start?"
"I don't have a choice," Terra muttered darkly, looking into the distance. Just in case more of them were on their way.
Aqua folded her arms thoughtfully. "Why don't you just tell them you're taken."
"By who?"
"Good point. Anyone you want to inflict yourself on?"
"I don't know any girls." Except Aqua. Who only counted because Master Eraqus said- Wait. "Hey-"
Aqua caught on fast. "No, Terra."
"It's your idea," Terra pointed out.
"I can't do all the work around here."
Terra could hear some screams in the distance. He didn't think he had much time. "I'll owe you big."
Aqua considered it."How big?"
Terra rolled his eyes. "Really big."
"Enough to promise me something?"
"…What kind of promise?"
"I want you to promise to come back with us when this is all over. You, me, and Ven."
Terra glanced at her. Aqua was staring straight at him, face composed and grim.
"No."
Aqua started to speak- but Terra beat her to it. "You don't need my promise for that. We'll always be together—" Terra tugged out his Wayfinder. "Right?"
For a moment, Aqua stared. Then she smiled softly. "Right."
And then the screams got louder.
Terra glanced around desperately for a way to escape.
But Aqua stepped in front of him, one hand on hip. "Alright, hero. I'll escort you and handle the hordes."
"It's TERRA!" The first fangirl screamed in high C.
"I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES, TERRA!"
"TERRA! Sign my toga!"
"Marry me!"
"Wait, please," Aqua interrupted- then, after a split second judgment call and a look at twenty or so females bearing banners, cast Bind in a wide radius.
Several hormonal bodies instantly struggled against the golden ring, wailing.
"Why didn't I think of that?" Terra muttered.
"Because you're all brawn, s-uhm, sweetcheeks," Aqua revised quickly.
"'Sweetcheeks'?" The closest fangirl gasped accusingly.
Terra had to agree. He was pretty sure that was the worst name he'd ever heard Aqua call him.
"Shut up," Aqua hissed aside before Terra could protest. There was no time like the present. "Terra and I have an announcement to make. We're- uhm."
"Getting married," Terra finished quickly.
"Right. So he's taken. Please find your own heroes to marry. That will be all, thank you."
Aqua stood there for a moment, awkwardly staring out at the stunned faces.
Then all hell broke loose.
"But- that can't be!" The first wailed. "Terra! We were going to have a beautiful family together!"
"I don't know you," Terra said, by way of defense. Predictably, the girl burst into tears.
"Nice going," Aqua whispered.
"I'm not good with girls," Terra hissed back. "And it's true."
Aqua was already busy doing damage control. "We're both very sorry that you had to hear this way, but we're really uhm, very in love. Very. And we're getting married soon. Very soon."
"H-how soon?" one asked hopefully.
"Tomorrow," Terra said quickly, to general throes of disappointment and grief.
"Tomorrow?" Aqua asked, shocked.
"Do you think we'll still be here, tomorrow?" Terra shot back.
Aqua conceded the point. The Games ended this afternoon.
"But it's so sudden." A suspicious woman pointed out. She, Aqua realized, had the look of a gossip. Or possibly even a reporter.
"That's… just how in love we are! Right, Terra?"
"R-right!"
"But surely you need to plan for your toga!"
"My… toga?" Aqua echoed, wondering what that was supposed to be.
"Your wedding toga." She was definitely a reporter, Aqua decided. And this little tussle was starting to draw the attention of the crowd that usually milled about Thebes' streets.
"Oh. Uhm. Well. That's a surprise. I can't talk about it while Terra's here."
"Why not?" Terra asked.
"Because, dear, I wanted to surprise you tomorrow," Aqua said sweetly, stepping on Terra's foot. Fortunately for Terra, steel shoes made steel heels bearable.
"Oh. Uh. Can't wait."
"Bet you can't," a voice hooted from the crowds. Several of the older men and women laughed.
Aqua felt her ears warm the tiniest bit. That was inappropriate!
Terra didn't get it. "Uh, yeah."
Sometimes, she had to wonder what type of rock Terra's head was made of.
Shaking her head, Aqua decided to wrap this up. "Well, then that's settled, alright? Please stop chasing him now."
A chorus of broken hearts answered that particular statement.
Aqua winced. But she didn't sense any real Darkness. They had just been girls with frivolous fantasies. Smiling appeasingly, she tucked her arm around Terra's much bigger one and tiptoed up to whisper in his ear.
"Come on, before they think up of new questions."
Unfortunately, Terra turned to look just as she finished speaking, and their lips brushed faintly, the touch feather-light. They nearly sprang apart.
And then the crowd erupted in catcalls.
Terra looked away quickly, starting for the Coliseum with his arm still wrapped around hers. "Let's go."
If the gods had been merciful, that would have been the end of a trying morning. Unfortunately, the gods were busy being amused.
"Did you hear?" Hercules yelled as he ran into the Courtyard where Zack and Ven had been sparring.
"Hear what?"
"Terra and Aqua are getting married!"
Ven crashed straight into Zack's elbow. "They're what?"
"Aw man, I never even got that date!" Zack sighed, sheathing his sword and hanging his head for a moment.
"Gotta work harder to be a hero next time," Hercules grinned.
"But- that's—they can't be getting married!" Ven picked up, perplexed. Sure, people always joked that they were like his parents and Ven didn't really mind, since they sort of were. But. They would've told him if they were… like that. Right?
"It's all over Athens! It's big news! I heard they're having the ceremony tomorrow and Aqua's got the most amazing wedding toga ever!" Hercules exclaimed.
Ven hesitated, then nodded at Zack. "Can we spar again later? I think I better go find them."
Zack waved a hand at him. "Sure. Tell them congratulations from me, too," he grinned.
Ven smiled and waved back. "Sure thing." Then he started sprinting towards the Coliseum. The Games would be on soon, and if they'd be anywhere, they'd be there.
This… was really more awkward than she'd signed up for, Aqua realized as she went over her spell strategy for her battles again and again, twirling her Keyblade at intervals restlessly. Terra was standing right next to her and hadn't said a word since they'd reached the Vestibule. Which was Terra-speak for "I'm being really awkward right now."
"Terra. Stop thinking about it."
"Stop thinking about what?"
"Terra! Aqua!" Ven threw himself at them, managing to get most of himself on top of them both.
"Ven!" Aqua blinked twisting up to look at him. He hadn't done that since he was thirteen.
"Are you okay?" She reached for his hair to check for any head injuries. She'd fought Zack before, but boys being boys tended to get into the most improbable scrapes.
"Why didn't you tell me you were getting married?"
Oh.
Aqua blinked. Then she had to muffle a gust of laughter with her sleeve.
"Ven. We weren't really going to."
Belatedly, she checked the Vestibule. Nobody else was around yet, thankfully.
She ruffled Ven's hair a little, smiling warmly. "I was just helping Terra out."
"By marrying him?"
"…That'd be little too much to ask, even for Terra."
"Hey!" Terra protested but he joined Aqua in ruffling Ven's hair. It was a little like grooming a golden retriever puppy. Thankfully, Ven hadn't really caught on yet, or he'd probably try to get them to sto ptreating him like a kid.
"Don't worry about it. It's just something we came up with to get rid of the girls following me around."
"Why would girls be following you around?"
Terra coughed.
"The poor things want to marry him."
"What? Is that why you have to marry him first?"
"No," they both said at the same time.
"Then… who's marrying who?"
"Nobody's marrying anyone, Ven. Not right now. It was just the only thing we could say to make them stop chasing Terra. I don't think the girls here really know what he's like."
Terra shot Aqua a quick, half-hearted eyeroll. "Like your 'date' knows anything besides that you kicked Hades' butt."
Aqua jabbed him with her elbow. "Watch it, Mr. Plan A."
Ven was still mulling it over, mouth twisted into a faint, puzzled frown. "So… you're just saying you guys are getting married… so they'll stop chasing him?"
"That's right," Terra said, relieved.
"I don't really get it," Ven began thoughtfully, "but what can I do?"
"Huh?"
"To help out," Ven said patiently.
"Oh, well we're leaving tonight, so… "
"There you are, darling!" A corpulent woman in a heavily embroidered toga burst into the room.
"…Me?" went Aqua, since Ven and Terra seemed to have magically backed away.
"Of course, darling, I heard all about it! About your amazing wedding toga. The moment I heard how special it was, I knew you were thinking of asking me to make it and I simply had to come meet you! I am the best seamstress in Greece, after all."
"Oh," Aqua said eloquently. "I'm very, very honored, ma'am, but-"
"Of course, we need to start fitting immediately!" Five assistants popped into the room, each one carrying a length of rope that was really making Aqua much more nervous than they probably ought to.
"Girls," the Seamstress barked. And instantly Aqua was hustled into the middle of the room, thin knotted ropes flying around and measuring from every possible angle.
Ven shrank against Terra's side. "That… looks kind of dangerous," he observed cautiously as one assistant nearly yanked Aqua's knee out so she could measure it properly.
"Glad I'm not getting one," Terra muttered.
"Oh, are you going nude, dear?" The Seamstress asked, looking very interested.
"Nude?" Terra echoed, in a very different tone.
"It's always been a fine traditional option, and you do have a wonderful physique, darling, if I do say so myself."
"No. I'm not- I'll go in what I have on now."
"Surely not!" She fluttered.
"I will," Terra insisted, glaring for good measure.
Ven thought the seamstress looked liked she might happily faint on her feet and wondered if he ought to prop her up.
"Excuse me, but that's enough!" Aqua's voice came from the middle of the room. "I'm sure it will be a lovely dress, but I have my own."
"But," the seamstress started.
"Please," Aqua countered, ushering all of them out of the Vestibule. "The Games will be on shortly and we all need to prepare."
Once they were all out, she turned her glare upon Terra. "You're buying me ice cream for the rest of your life."
"Got it," Terra said quickly, hoping that would be the end of that.
But it never was.
Hades interrupted the Games again, managing to bring three titans in with him this time and forcing Terra, Aqua, and Ven to fight them before they destroyed the entire coliseum. They managed to win, but the Games had effectively been derailed and the fight had lasted until after sunset.
And then everyone insisted they stay over- of course they would, they were going to get married tomorrow, after all, weren't they?
Which would have been fine. If they hadn't also kidnapped Ven, casting sidelong glances and giggling about giving the 'couple' their 'alone time' all the while.
"I can't believe they took Ven," Aqua groaned softly, sinking into half of the loveseat in the room they'd been left in. The fight had pretty much left her exhausted.
Terra folded his arms, leaning against the wall nearby. "He'll be fine. They won't do anything to him. He saved them, too."
"But we can't leave without him!"
"So we'll just find him after everyone falls asleep."
Aqua nodded, calming down. It was poor thanks for their hosts' hospitality, but they would have left sooner if they hadn't been directed here.
"…You think they'd really make us do it?" Aqua asked the ensuing silence.
"Make us do what?"
"Get married," Aqua clarified, biting her bottom lip gently.
"…It won't matter. We'll get out of here before then."
"Terra. What if we don't?"
Terra looked away. "Then I'll fess up. We'll just admit we weren't really engaged."
"Right," Aqua agreed. They really shouldn't have lied in the first place, anyway. Not when all it seemed to have done was leave them both with a vaguely uncomfortable feeling in the pits of their stomachs.
Sneaking out… was a little harder than they thought it would be. For one, a woman had come in a few minutes after Ven was spirited away. She was wizened and amiable, carrying a basket of grapes—for them, she urged, despite Terra and Aqua insisting that she have some first.
And as though some sort of dam had broken, soon there was an unending parade of guests coming into their room, leaving small presents, well-wishes, and a few sly jokes that made Aqua want to disappear into the wall. Someone had even brought in their prized goats, telling them about their lineage proudly and leaving a basket of cheese.
Every "oh we couldn't" or "we don't really…" fell on elated but deaf ears. Eventually, Aqua simply submitted herself to the oncoming rush of goodwill, letting herself be seated next to Terra, awkwardly bumping shoulders with him as they smiled and thanked everyone for the well-wishes and any gifts. She could tell Terra was deeply uncomfortable by the time they got halfway through the line.
Which, of course, meant that she had to be a good friend and poke him about it.
Although, really, Terra had withstood weaker punches.
"What's wrong? Keep smiling." She whispered pointedly. "It's rude if you just glower."
"Why… are they doing all this?" Terra whispered back.
"…I guess it's how they celebrate. Marriage is a pretty big event."
"It is?"
Aqua found herself slightly annoyed. If only there were more princes like Philip in the worlds. Thankfully, there was a minor altercation with someone's goat eating someone else's gifts. "Of course it is, Terra. Usually, it means you're promising the rest of your life to the person you really belong with. Your true love."
"But… how do you know you've found that person?"
Aqua blinked, thrown. She… wasn't all too sure about that, herself. "I guess… I've always thought about it like it's a Light. But not just any Light. It's the Light that tells you this is 'home' and that you will always be there and that person will always love you. No matter what."
"But… That's a lot like what we have."
Aqua paused, awkward. Then smiled faintly. "I guess it does, huh? But not quite. There's still something missing, for that person to be your true love."
"What?"
"True love's kiss. Wanting to. Feeling the way two Lights become one."
Terra made a face that would've been forgivable on a boy of twelve. Aqua hit him, naturally.
"Don't ask if you don't want to know, dummy."
"I didn't know you were going to get girly on me."
"Well you're getting married to this girl, so you better shape up," Aqua proposed brightly, as the line started moving again.
Terra might have given a glare in her direction, but altogether, he seemed less uncomfortable and more thoughtful as the night wore on.
By the time the line finished, it was only a few hours until dawn. Aqua calculated it from the moon's position with mounting despair. This… was not funny, anymore. They couldn't possibly let all those people down by telling them it was a hoax. Not after all the gifts they gave… that would be impossibly… hard-hearted.
"Terra. We have to find Ven… We can… We can leave them a note about having to go and leaving the gifts here... "
And that was when Ven burst into the room.
"Terra! Aqua!" He ran to them, looking very much like he'd have wanted to curl up against their sides. "There's… really weird stuff going on. "
"Ven! Great timing. We can leave now that you're with us—"
"No, I mean- that woman from before is back—"
"Darliiiiing~ Rise and shine! It's the day of your wedding, after all!" Came a too-familiar booming voice from the door.
"Hide me," Aqua pleaded automatically.
Ven quickly tried to sort through the stuff in his pockets, trying to find something that would help. Terra grabbed Aqua and shoved them both behind a heavy tapestry just as what sounded like half of Greece and a bull in a china shop paraded through the door.
With only Ven between them and the tapestry.
Terra cursed himself ten times stupid for not grabbing Ven, too.
In the meantime, he had Aqua pressed up against the wall, hoping that the tapestry lay as flat as possible with them behind it. At least it was floor-length, hiding their tell-tale steel boots.
And Aqua was surprisingly… well, smaller than he thought. Her shoulders were easily dwarfed, her frame far more slender. He'd never really noticed it before. Not when most of the time he was thinking about how hard she punched or what magic she'd throw at him next. Pressed up together like this, she'd fit completely into his arms. If they were around her. Which they weren't. Not really.
Her body was warm, too, and Terra could smell a very faint trace of flowers, although he wasn't sure where from.
She was also very soft. Which was when he noticed her breasts were pushed up against his chest. And when he wanted to jump out of the tapestry and commit suicide by crowd instead of at Aqua's hands.
Except, Aqua wasn't killing him yet. She'd gone very still, likely because of the crowd outside.
It was comforting to know he had a few more minutes of life.
Except this was… still pretty awkward. "Sorry," Terra muttered quickly against her ear.
If anything, Aqua went even more still, apparently stopping to even breathe.
Fully prepared to hear an earful about staying undetected, what Aqua did next took him completely by surprise.
She reached up and pinched his nose. Hard.
And then he could hear Ven backing up towards them.
"…No, really, they're not—"
The next back-step was one too many and he backed up onto them, prompting all three to fall over, the tapestry torn around them.
Aqua blinked up at the staring crowd, face very pink. "Uhm. This isn't… what you think."
Terra, sprawled on the ground with Aqua straddling his hips, wasn't sure there was much to think about their hiding place. Until he thought about it, too.
The woman from earlier swept a magnanimous arm. "Nonsense, we all knew you'd get a little hemhem, enthusiastic, but really, the ceremony's in five hours! We have a lot to do, you know! Best save that steamy stuff for the wedding night."
"But—we have something to tell you," Aqua began.
"Yes, later, dear, we have to get started on your hair."
"We're not getting married!" Terra interjected.
Not a single ear appeared to have heard. Instead, Aqua was lifted off Terra's waist amid some giggles and Terra himself got dragged into another room, understanding men patting his shoulders and assuring him that this was something all grooms went through and that he'd be fine once he saw her at the ceremony.
Ven trailed after Terra, a lost puppy banned from the bridal dressing room.
It wasn't long before he was ushered back out to the courtyard- this apparently being the place of the wedding they'd announced yesterday. Terra wasn't sure if he ought to be surprised or terrified at how they'd been swallowed into a giant wedding mechanism.
At least he'd convinced them to let Ven stay and not to put him in—or strip him off- anything. It took a lot of threatening, too.
And now they had to settle down and wait for Aqua to come out in whatever monstrosity the woman from earlier had produced. He wasn't feeling particularly hopeful, really.
And then he saw her. He'd know her Light anywhere, of course.
Aqua walked down the mansion steps, several other women forming a sort of train around her. Someone had done up her hair, weaving white flowers that complemented the deep cerulean beautifully.
A veil floated around her face, drifting on the gentlest breeze like a ghost. Her dress was scarlet, made of something almost filmy that floated in the same breeze, molding to her shape and flaring
around her thighs. Against it, her pale skin was a stark contrast, but naturally pale pink lips and large clear eyes made it seem less garish.
Terra thought she looked more beautiful than any of the princesses he'd ever seen. Even if they were fairest in all the lands.
Even if he wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean for him.
Aqua demurely glided up the steps, but the grip she gave him when she was told to take Terra's hand, was ice-cold and tighter than a vise. The sort of grip that told him to do something. Now.
But the ceremony was already starting.
"Well then, have you two decided on which kind of ceremony you would like to have?" The affable old man in front of the podium beamed, the laurels in his hair slightly askew.
"There are… kinds?" Terra asked carefully. Any time now and Aqua would probably wrench his hand off completely.
"Certainly. For example, in Sparta, they're quite uncivilized. The man fights and overpowers the woman before throwing her over his shoulder," the man detailed.
Struck by an idea, Terra pounced. "Can we have that one instead?"
Aqua raised an eyebrow, her grip slacking a bit, unsure. "If you want to get thrown over my shoulder."
In response, Terra casually grabbed Aqua's waist and hoisted her onto his shoulder. "That's that."
Aqua blinked at Terra's back for a moment, stunned. Then she let out a little outraged cry. "Terra!" She struggled immediately, trying to find a suitably delicate place to exact her opinion on this.
Unfortunately, there weren't a whole lot of delicate places on Terra's shoulders and chest. Frustrated, Aqua did the next best thing. "Zero Graviga!"
After that, all hell came loose.
Zero Graviga was generally less than picky about who it happened to affect. Carts were overturned, livestock airborne, and ladies skirts swept up as the entire crowd loss all sense of gravity.
"Now," Terra whispered to her fiercely. He'd apparently done a quick Magnega on Aqua, himself, and Ven. "Ven! Suit up!"
Terra smacked his right fist into the armor on his shoulder.
"My clothes," Aqua started.
"Summon them!"
"Put me down first!"
Terra complied. Aqua quickly summoned her Keyblade, her armor materializing in seconds.
Then, three keyblade gliders took to the skies.
"…I can't believe you did that," Aqua reflected, taking a breather in Neverland. The red dress had mysteriously disappeared when she got her armor back, but her hair was still done up in the elaborate style it had been in, the flowers slightly worse for the trip through Darkness.
"What else could I have done? It wasn't like they were going to let us call it off."
"No, I mean you actually came up with a plan that worked."
"Thanks, Aqua."
Ven sat on the log in front of them, watching them bicker with a small frown. "But.. doesn't this mean you're married now?"
Terra stopped.
"You sort of… went ahead with the ceremony."
"... Doesn't count. We never got to see who won." Terra folded his arms defensively.
Aqua sighed. "It's alright, Terra. I think you have to do other things besides throw the bride over your shoulder like a sack of potatoes."
"Hey, you just said it was a good plan!"
"I said it worked, Terra, there's a difference."
Slowly, the awkwardness eased out of conversation and the three of them went back to an established rhythm, like a musician going over the lines of a favorite piece. Peter even came to visit them with the Lost Boys, after a while, and they started piecing together each other's adventures from there.
They were all about to split up for the night- Ven was going to sleep over at the Hideout, Aqua in the Indian Camp and Terra camping at the Lagoon- when Terra stopped as he helped Aqua settle in (part of his new and ever-increasing list of duties in payment for the big favor). He lingered there for a moment, bent at the waist and holding up the flap of the only tiny teepee the kind Indians could spare. Aqua had already lit a small lamp, the warm golden glow lighting up the buffalo canvas like a shaded lamp.
"Aqua?" Terra began softly.
Aqua looked up, hands still picking flowers out of her hair. "Terra?"
"I've been thinking. Next time... I'd still choose you."
And then he let the flap fall closed.
======fin=======
semi-related chat-omake:
salve: I get the feeling [Terra] knows about as much about the birds and the bees as Ven does.
fantacination: XD He kinda does.
I wouldn't be surprised if Eraqus took Terra and Ven aside one day. It'd go like this:
"Today I am to tell you about something very important."
Terra: What is it, Master?
Ven: ...Is this about getting my own armor?
Eraqus: ... Well. no. /coughs/ I'm sure you boys have been noticing some changes.
Terra:... I don't think so?
Ven: I haven't gotten any taller. D:
Eraqus: ...Maybe you've been looking at Aqua differently.
Terra: ...Huh?
Ven: ...?
Eraqus: ...
Terra & Ven: /looks expectantly
Eraqus: ... On the other hand, I believe that neither of you will ever encounter such problems in the future. Class dismissed.
Terra: Oh. Alright. Come on, Ven, let's work on your swings.
Ven: Kay.
Eraqus: ... /pretends this never happened
Please review if you smiled! :D