I came home exhausted and upset. All those ugly memories were coming back to me like a boomerang. I didn't want to accept it, I did not. I had no problem, not even some post-traumatic stress disorder. I was healthy. I just needed to somehow the memories get rid of. I decided to drown them in alcohol. After drinking one bottle I still was not good, so I opened another. This time it was something much stronger. After drinking half a bottle the strong and intense flashbacks started. Again I felt the bullet burning through my chest and suddenly felt strong wave of pain. Immediately afterwards I heard Lanie calling me not to die, and not least Castle saying "I love you, Kate." I fell off the couch and brought with me a table on which stood a bottle. That was when it hit the ground and broke on so many shards. I grabbed my gun and I crouched against the wall. I waited, ready to shoot at any time. I was terrified and drunk. I was breathing quickly and trying to calm myself, but I couldn't do it. Suddenly I heard a knock at the door. I was frightened and shouted loudly.
"Kate, are you okay?" asked a familiar voice. Castle. I did not want to go to open door for him, so I just kept sitting by the wall with a gun in my hands. I heard the key moving in the lock and I was scared much more than before. By now I noticed that I had cuts and my blood was flowing out. Slowly I got up and I stood across the door. I aimed and I put my finger on the trigger. Castle opened the door and when he saw me, he shouted. He thought that I would put the gun down, but I did not. Castle closed the door and winked at me in surprise.
"Put your gun down, please," he said by shaky voice and made a few steps closer. I clenched my hands around the gun and stayed focused on him. Castle went closer again. He reached for my gun and snatched it from my hand. He threw it on the ground behind me and took my hand. I unthreaded from him and tried to run away from him. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me on the couch. He took my bleeding hand and looked at it. Then he took me into the bathroom. He began to undress me. First, he removed the pants, then T-shirt and underwear. He filled a bathtub full of water. I sat in there and he washed my entire body with a sponge and soap. By gentle movements he also washed my hair and massaged me on my shoulders. All this time we didn't say anything. I was ashamed and my head ached and Castle was silent probably because he didn't want to shout at me. After bath, I climbed out of the tub. Rick wrapped me in a towel. I sat on the edge of the tub. Castle took aid kit and first he disinfected the cuts and removed the remnants of broken glass from them. Then he took the bandage and bandaged my wrist. As soon as he finished, I got up and ran into the bedroom. Rick followed me and caught me on the stairs. He took me into his arms and carried me upstairs to bed. When I lay in bed, I looked at him with by my empty eyes and I was crying. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me. He stroked me on my back while holding me tight to his body.
"I've never seen you like this," he whispered into my ear, "I'm sorry." I pulled away from him and bowed my head.
"How did you get in?" I asked in a weak voice.
"Once you showed me where you have a spare key and I remembered it," he said with a triumphant smile. I smiled at him.
"You look so much better with smile on your face. Now tell me what happened," he said to me. I bit my lip and took a very deep breath.
"I needed the memories of my shooting to get rid of. I drank one and a half bottles of hard alcohol. Nothing helps," I said crying," I want to get rid of those ugly memories. I still feel how the bullet burning through my chest. I still feel that sharp pain. I hear Lanie, Ryan, Espo, you. I still hear that all," I said with tears. Castle pulled me into his arms. He held me around the waist and stroked me on the arms.
"So you remember everything what happened. You lied to me," he said sadly. I looked deeply into his eyes and I threw my arms around his neck. To my surprise, he did not push me away, but he held me close to his warm body.
"How much are you mad at me?" I asked.
"Very, but I will not yell at you. Although I sometimes act like a jackass, I'm not an idiot. I would not hurt you," he said cupping my cheek," I love you. I'll give you time if you need more and if you feel the least part of what I do," he added with a sad smile. I smiled at him and grabbed his hand.
"Thank you. I have feelings for you, but I need more time. I'll tell you when I'm ready," I said and squeezed his hand.
"Always," he said squeezing my hand, "You should rest now. You are still a little drunk, and tomorrow we will solve the case." I nodded. I covered myself with a blanket and after short time I fell asleep.
I woke up when Castle was shaking with me. I had to scream in my sleep because of the nightmare that I had again. I was shaking and breathing fast. I was sweating and my heart was beating so fast that it almost jumped out of my body. Castle hugged me and held me until I calmed down.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked him a little uncertainly. He nodded and looked questioningly at me.
"Would you sleep tonight in bed with me so I could sleep better, please?"
"Sure," he smiled and lay down next to me in bed. I snuggled up to him. I rested my head on his muscular chest and hugged him. He put his hands on my back and stroked me until he heard my regular slow breathing before I fell asleep. For the rest of the night I didn't have nightmare but I had a dream about a life together with Castle and children that we could possibly have in the future.
The End