Author's Note: Hello fellow readers and writers of fanfiction. For those of you familiar with my works, this story, hopefully a series of shorts, is a bit of a leap from my normal style of writing. The following is a parody of Marty Stouffer's Wild America series. This started as just an IM brainstorming session with my friend and fellow FF author shinji the good sharer, and just sort of developed from there. The following is not meant to be taken seriously and is simply a way to banish writers block, while also letting the world know I'm still alive of course, lol. Anyways, usual disclaimer applies; I own nothing, I make nothing financially from this endevour, and hope that you will all derive some small measure of laughter and amusement from the following, so without further...
Wild Shinobi - Secrets of the Ninja World
Episode One: The Fearsome Fangirl
*Camera pans in on a camo-clad Naruto from behind as he peers through the bushes with a telescope. He turns to the camera with a grin* "Hey, welcome to 'Wild Shinobi.' The show where I, the one and only Naruto Uzumaki will risk life and limb to take you through our world to uncover some of it's greatest secrets."
*Cue theme music* (song track: The Magnificent Seven plays to a montage of clips involving Naruto in both towns, villiages, and the wilderness observing various people and places, running comically from enraged wildlife, and ending with the famous Gai/Rock Lee good guy pose at the camera, before displaying the show title.)
Announcer: Welcome to Wild Shinobi with your host; Naruto Uzumaki.
*Naruto taps the screen*
"Are we rolling, good."
*Pulls back while adjusting his headband*
Naruto is seen standing in his room. "Hey everyone, thanks for tuning in. Today we're going to be pursuing one of this world's most dangerous and unpredictable creatures: the fangirl. It's about six in the morning right now I'm just heading out to rendezvous with the tracker I've hired for this special occasion, but before we go I'd like to introduce you to my trusty cameraman Shino Aburame." Taking the camera and turning it around, Naruto focuses the lens on Shino "Say hi to everyone Shino." The bug user remains still and silent. "Aw come on Shino, at least wave." Shino remains still before shortly giving a small hand raise in greeting. "Great, now was that so hard?" returning the camera we're shown Naruto's smiling face again. "Alright we're all set, so lets go." Slipping on a gray backpack Naruto leaves the apartment.
(SC)
*Camera shows Naruto walking along the street*
"As we're moving let me give you a little info as to what a fangirl is: fanaticus erraticus - Drawn to the often dark and brooding demeanor of quite often the alpha emo boy, the fangirl can strike at anytime. Though their target may vary, the age of the average fangirl may range anywhere from one to seven years of their intended target." Arriving outside what appears to be the Inuzuka compound Naruto knocks on the door. "While fangirls can be found in just about any village, our targets today are one Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka. Now for such dangerous and temperamental creatures the easiest way to find them would be to seek out their most common prey. In this case it happens to be my teammate, one Sasuke Uchiha, who can be rather elusive himself when he want's to be, hence the need for a tracker." The compound doors open to reveal a half-asleep Kiba Inuzuka and Akamaru. "Hey guys, ready to go?" Kiba grumbles something about crazy blonds and hating early mornings.
"Yeah whatever, just remember you promised to clean the clan kennels for the next two weeks in exchange." The blond genin shivers slightly at the deal made to acquire the duo's services.
"Of course, I always keep my promises." Kiba nodded before setting Akamaru down. "Alright then, lets get this show on the road." Nodding, Naruto hands over a torn strip from one of the Uchiha's shirts, acquired from a more recent sparring session. Giving them the scent, the group goes off in search of their quarry. Naruto turns back to the camera. "We'll be right back after these messages."
Short on shurikens, kunai nicked or broken, or perhaps you're just looking for that one special tool to complete your arsenal. Well look no further then Ten-ten's Wall of Weapons. we have everything for the budding ninja, or for the experience veteran loading up before heading out. Our wares are forged from the finest steel in the elemental nations and are hand-crafted in our own blacksmith shop. Ever weapon from a single senbon to the largest blade has been tested to meet and exceed your expectations. So head on down to Ten-ten's Wall of Weapons for all your ninja needs.
*Camera shows the trio standing on a roof overlooking the marketplace. Naruto faces the camera with Kiba and Akamaru watching over the ledge in the background.*
"Welcome back, well it took us all morning and part of the afternoon, but after tracking him from his home, and thru the training grounds, we've finally caught up with Sasuke in the market district."
*Camera pans away from the trio, and zooms in on Sasuke eating a tomato at a local market vendor.*
"Notice the drooping shoulders and his slouched posture, classics signs of an emo in full brooding mode. However, notice the barely present half smile slightly glazed eyes as this particular emo manages to indulge in one of his few known vices." Catching a flash of pink, Naruto looks to a side alley to see two heads of hair; one pink and one platinum blond poking around the corner. "There they are, quick Shino get a close up," Naruto whispers excitedly.
*Camera slides almost a block further to the left of the Uchiha before zooming in on the emerald eyed pinkette and her blond, blue eyed accomplice.*
"This is a real treat folks, We're in the presence of not one, but both co-alphas of the Uchiha fangirl pack." The trio watches as the two females slowly walk towards Sasuke.
"They're making their move. Moving slowly as to avoid early detection the fangirls try to approach the target who seems unaware of the danger. observe the unnatural grace and agility displayed as they weave through the crowd undeterred from their goal, never losing sight of their target." Sakura and Ino share a glance before picking up speed while drifting apart to cover more space. "Exhibiting a form of pack mentality they seem to be attempting a pincer movement to cut off the emo's exit, but it seems to late." Naruto looks back briefly into the camera. "If those two put this much effort into their ninja training they'd really be a force to be reckoned with, sadly that's not the case. Let's get back to the action," Naruto whispers while turning back to the street.
Feeling a tremor thru the ground Sasuke pauses, before looking up with widening eyes at the two girls almost on top of him. Dropping the half-eaten fruit he bolts. The chase is swift, but short as the boy is quickly grabbed around each arm by Sakura and Ino. "Oooo...tough break there. Despite his attempts, the emo's desire to escape is no match for the determined fangirl's thirst for attention from their chosen."
"Hiya Sasuke-kun, funny meeting you out here," Ino cooed. Since we're both already out, how about the two of us spending the day together?" Sakura's pupils disappeared to a solid white before screeching at her partner in crime.
"Get lost Ino pig, Sasuke-kun would never hang out with a porker like you when he's got someone as smart as me available," Sakura yelled. this resulted in an equally affronted white eyed glare from the blond haired ninja.
"Shut up billboard brow," Ino yelled back. "Like he'd ever being interested in a flat-chested know-it-all when he could have a budding young woman like me." Watching the two girls try to cohere Sasuke into a date soon leads to a tug-of-war with his arms, each vying for control as the Uchiha stuck in the middle, sweat drops while grimaces in pain as both eyebrows begin to twitch.
*Camera draws back to continue observing the action below while bring a side profile of Naruto into the right side of the shot*
"Here's where the pack mentality unfortunately ends I'm afraid. After obtaining their objective, the situation always dissolves into an every girl for themselves situation. In this particular case had there been more fangirls present they would have fallen into line behind their chosen leader before cheering her on, hoping that should they emerge victorious, she might share the spoils of battle amongst the group. As a result these situations usually end..." Naruto is cut off as the sound of two audible pops followed by a girlish wail rises above the streets. The camera zooms in to catch the two girls now surrounding Sasuke who appears to have dislocated both arms, staring down at the unconscious boy with concern. The visible trio shiver with sympathy pains as the single shake of the camera convey's even the bug user's discomfort. "...with tragic results." Naruto looks back at the camera wincing. "We'll be back after this commercial break."
*Camera fades out*
Come visit Ichiraku's Ramen bar, the only stand with a dish to sate any combination of flavors you might enjoy. Our business has been family owned for over 10 years and strive to make each experience a memorable one. Every bowl is cooked to order so you're promised only the freshest ingredients, and highest quality of service. So wether you're looking for something thick and filling, or trying to watch you're figure, with over 50 combinations to choose from Ichiraku's has something for everyone.
*Camera fades in to show Naruto, Kiba, and Akamaru a forest setting near dusk.*
"Well that's our show for today. I'd like to thank Kiba and Akamaru for all the help they provided us today. Now before we go I'd like to leave you with a few safety tips on how to survive a confrontation with a fangirl should you ever find yourself in the presence of one. Take it from me, as the teammate to one of the two girls observed today I should know. Naruto holds up a hand and raises a finger to illustrate the points.
Number 1: If a fangirl clearly identifies their intended target, do not insult said target if at all possible. There is no easiest way for them to turn their full fury upon you.
Number 2: If two girls are after the same emo and they ask you for your opinion on which he'd want in any way, shape, or form, do not take sides in any way. I don't care if one of them is even your sister, tell them something along the lines of him choosing who he'll think is better. Hopefully this will succeed in taking the heat of you, and with luck turning them back against each other, giving you time to escape the situation.
Number 3: If you know or are friends with a fangirl's target and they ask you where he is, whether or not you know, the answer is always 'I don't know.' Better a live chicken then a dead duck. Overall just use common sense and trust your instincts. A highly developed sense of self-preservation will never steer you wrong."
"Now most women lose their fangirl instincts around puberty or if the target becomes unavailable, whichever comes first. Most simply move onto a new target and the cycle starts over again. Some unfortunately never recover and as a result remain single for life or even rarer still, turn to another woman. Finally, despite the common stereotype, not all fangirls pursue the emo-temes." A brief rustle in the bush behind Naruto goes unnoticed by the blond.
"You also have you're hero worshippers. The ones who dream of a knight in white armor coming to their rescue, or perhaps someone who serves as a strong inspiration to them in one way or another. This group while fewer in numbers do exist." Another more audible bush rustling finally catches Naruto's attention. "Huh?" He turns and crouches down to look into the bush. Two pale feminine arms covered in brown wool sleeves reach out and grab his collar before pulling the blond into the bushes. A short struggle later and the camera shows a blushing Hinata emerge and glance around before running away with a gagged and hogtied Naruto thrown over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
Kiba and Akamaru look on in shock at the retreating form of their teammate as she disappears into the distance. After a couple seconds pass, Shino walks out in front of the camera watching the girl escape. With the shock finally wearing off, Shino stares to the side at his now laughing comrade, the young puppy between them yapping in excitement. The two clan heirs turn to face the camera. "Since Naruto seems preoccupied I guess we'll close this out, goodnight everybody." Kiba grins widely with Akamaru now perched on his head while flashing a peace sign. Shino nods before reaching around and clicking off the camera.
*cut to black*
(roll credits while theme music plays)
The End
Author's Note: Well there ya go, I'll be tweaking a bit here and there, adding and cutting stuff, but in the meantime feedback is appreciated. Was it too short, too long? I'm not looking to make each episode novel length, but hopefully a little more then a one page ficlet. All depends on the audience's reaction.I wasn't sure about actually writing commercials to place in the story or to do a simple fade out and fade in, but figured this would be a way for the fans to get in on the action. If you're interested in writing commercials for a future episode, just write it up and send it to me in a PM. It should only be about a paragraph in length and should read like something you might hear on the radio (no mini-movie length or character interaction types for now). I can't promise all ideas will be used, but for those that are I promise to give you your proper mentioning in said until next time be safe, be healthy, and be happy...oh, and a review would be wonderful too, lol.
Ja ne