notes: Eh. This has been nagging my mind for the past couple of weeks. And after days of frustration and cries of anguish, it's finally done. I scrapped and rewrote the beginning and end like ten times.
notes2: Will be updating polaris shortly. Don't own Max Ride.
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all the memories are still there
if you give me a reason I'll love you again
but I'm all
second chances
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:::::: call me when your heart is gone ::::::
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The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it.
—Robert Bach
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In the beginning, she is the birthday girl and he is the boy next door.
She wakes up on a Saturday morning to cloudy weather and twin U-Hauls across the street; there is something like giddy happiness bubbling at the pit of her stomach.
When she pads downstairs in pajamas and socks, her mother hands her a plate of waffles and she sets it down on the cherry oak table before welcoming the rib-crushing hug Maya and Ari greet her with.
Her eight and seven year siblings do grow up fast.
"Happy birthday, Max!"
She smiles brightly and hugs them back, distributing breakfast to them. When she reaches for her serving, a hand stops hers and she is greeted with golden brown squares and a whipped cream smiley face. She looks up to see warm brown eyes and a soft smile.
"Happy birthday."
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"Hi, I'm Valencia Martinez, your new neighbor. I'd like to welcome you into the neighborhood."
The woman with brown-black hair smiles back. "Thank you so much. I'm Anne Ride."
She tunes out; wanting it to be lunch so she'll have her party.
"...And these are my children: Maximum, Maya, and Arias."
She is dragged forward along with her siblings and she's faced with a boy in black about her age.
"...Nicholas, Angel, and Zephyr, though he prefers to be called Gazzy, both seven."
She awkwardly shuffles back when the introductions are over, but Maya and Ari bound over and immediately starts conversing with the blonde twins.
The boy isn't deterred by her silence. "Hi Max," he says simply.
She looks at him shyly. "Hi. It's my birthday today." She doesn't know what possessed her to say that, but she just wanted to keep up a conversation.
He smiles. "Happy birthday! So how old are you now?"
"Ten," she grins widely.
"Ten punches," he smirks, looking at her arm pointedly. "I'm ten too, though my birthday isn't anywhere around now."
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She ends up inviting him and his family to her party. She introduces him to Iggy, Monique, JJ, Sam, and Tess; she knows he'll fit right in.
When the time for cake comes, he's right by her side.
Ten candles burn brightly, waiting to be blown out. He smiles at her when he sings the song, poking her in the stomach.
"Make a wish, Max."
She closes her eyes and she knows, down from the marrow of her bones to the tips of her toes.
I want to be your friend.
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"Alright, Nick, you can sit over..."
Her hand shoots straight up. "Here," she says, waving to the vacant seat next to her.
"But Max-"
"Reilly Marks isn't here today, and he's my new neighbor. I think I should show him around."
Miss Tyler doesn't argue and motions to Nick. When he slides next to her, he raises one eyebrow.
"You sounded like you had everything rehearsed," he says.
She grins mischievously. "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't."
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They walk back home together, siblings trailing behind. "My house or yours?"
"Yours. There's still boxes and stuff in mine. When I'm finally done unpacking we can alternate everyday."
She's sure that he is her best friend.
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He is there for her when it's time for Father's Day, where she sits blankly in her seat staring at the colorful construction paper.
"Come on, Max. It's recess and Miss Tyler said you can't leave until you've done something," he says as he plops down next to her.
"That's the point. I don't have a father. Not anymore."
She ends up telling the divorce story to him, alone in the classroom with no prying ears. She expects pity from him, but he hugs her tightly, nothing but warmth and comfort in his dark eyes flecked with gold.
"It doesn't have to be for your dad. It could be for anyone that could be a dad to you."
She stops and thinks. "Your dad, then."
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When he turns eleven, she is the first one to hug and punch him.
She is also the first one to call him Fang, after the incredible attachment he has for his new shark tooth necklace, courtesy of her. Seeing the look on his face is worth the fifty dollars she's spent on it.
"You're the best, Max."
"I know."
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When she is thirteen, she experiences death for the first time and he is beside her, hand in his. He cries with her, cries for the bloody, unmoving body of a life cut short by failed brakes and wayward cold metal. She sobs into his sweater, his arms around her tinier frame.
He's still holding her when they wheel Ari away in the white and red sheets.
"Why'd it have to be him? Why Ari? Why, Fang?"
He rubs her back. "I don't know, Max. I don't know." His throat is choked up too.
"He was the sweetest, nicest kid around! And if you think about it, there's criminals still living in jails! Why did it have to be him? Why does the world take away all the innocent ones?"
He doesn't say anything; only hugging her tighter.
"The world is ugly and cruel, Fang. Ari was beautiful and pure. He never hurt anything."
He breathes in her apple shampoo. "I guess he was too beautiful for this world."
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It rains on his funeral, but he is beside her with an umbrella meant for two. She walks up with him to say her last words.
"I love you, Ari. You were the best little brother I could have asked for. Fang said that you were too beautiful for this world, and I agree. There won't be anyone else like you; you were one in a billion. I hope to see you again in the land of light and happiness you'd talked about one day."
The rain keeps pouring, but life goes on.
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He takes her to the beach on Ari's anniversary with their families. Angel, Gazzy, and Maya are splashing around in the ocean, but she is morose and sullen.
"I want to show you something."
He pulls her to the rocky part of the beach; soft, wet sand morphing into gravel. It is a rocky shore, but he leads her up to smooth, sea-beaten gray boulders. Seagulls squawk and take flight as they approach, but she pays them no mind.
"Where is it at?"
"You'll see."
It is a rocky gray alcove with a perfect view of the sea. He lets go of her hand and sits down first, patting the space next to him. When she's finally seated, he throws an arm around her.
"It's okay, Max."
She breaks down. "I miss him so much."
"We all do. But just be happy today. For him. For me."
She breathes in a shaky breath. "Okay."
They end up spending the rest of the day in the cave with room for two, laughing and talking. Somewhere along the line he ends up carving M F BFFS into the wall, and she is the happiest she's been in months.
In that moment, she thinks she likes Nicholas Ride, but neighbors don't crush on neighbors, sisters don't crush on brothers, and friends don't crush on best friends.
The feeling is pushed into the back of her heart.
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It is junior year in highschool when everything changes. Sam asks her out in front of practically the whole school to the Christmas dance, and she can't deny him no matter how much she wants to. She sits in Fang's room on his black bed and sighs.
"He can't take a hint."
"I guess not. But he's liked you since last year," Fang answers from his chair at his desk.
"Now I can't go with you this year," she says. As friends.
He shrugs. "Lissa came up to me and asked, so I guess I'm stuck with her."
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The dance is a disaster. Sam tries to kiss her and she shoves him away. She tries to look for Fang but she spots him in the corner, arms wrapped around a redhead in a matching dress.
Something cracks inside of her.
Why are you mad? It isn't like you're his girlfriend or anything.
She hates that stupid voice inside of her.
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When they become an item she is ready to scream her throat out. Gone were the trips to his house; Fang spends it with Lissa. She eventually spends her afternoons with Iggy, where he and Gazzy had formed a quirky kind of friendship.
"You know, I'm getting kinda sick of the game you guys are playing," he remarks one day.
"What?"
He snorts. "You and Fang. Admit that you like each other already."
"I'm not in love." She's seen what love does to people.
"Yes, because you're obviously not jealous that he's spending all his time with Lissa."
"It's not that," she tries to amend, "I'm just jealous that he doesn't spend time with me anymore. If he loves her, then he'd have to love me less."
Iggy gives her a long look. "Right."
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She finds comfort in a blonde boy with Caribbean blue eyes, and she is happy. For a little while, at least.
He takes her mind off Fang, off the world. He kisses her and showers her with affection, takes her on romantic dates.
But sometimes blond turns to black and blue fades into black; she feels so horribly guilty and unsure.
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It is at a summer party at JJ's house when everything changes again.
She is tipsy and the music is too loud. She catches Dylan in a lip lock with some girl and she throws her drink at them, slightly sick.
Somehow she finds Fang off to the side, without the red haired wonder for once.
She stumbles toward him. "Where's your girlfriend?"
He catches and steadies her. "Off with some guy."
"Are you drunk?" She giggles a no.
He shakes in his head in exasperation. "I'm taking you home."
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She ends up kissing him in her room in the balcony that faced his; under the stars and memories.
He pulls away after a minute. "Max-"
She's breathless but she's never been so elated. "If I wanted safe, I would have been with Sam. If I wanted to be spontaneous, I would be with Dylan. But with you, I'm happy."
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She ends her senior year with flying colors, and she stands with him and their parents at graduation.
"I'm so proud of you, baby," her mom cries.
They celebrate with dinner at her house, but when his parents are still talking to hers, they sneak over to his.
"Let me love you, Max."
She loses herself to him under love and promises, of futures and happiness.
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"You got accepted to New York State."
She nods silently, and he sighs.
"We'll make it through."
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im busy
exam tomorrow, love to stay and chat but time zone difference you know ?
see you tomorrow
good morning
good night
crap it was your birthday i forgot
today's our anniversary...
hello ?
It was a never-ending cycle.
And it was killing her slowly.
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He ends their relationship after one year, and she cries and cries but she understands. Gone were the daily phone calls, texts, and the ritual FaceTime calls. She lies on her dorm bed, eyes glassy as she stares up at the ceiling.
It is the worst feeling she's ever felt, right next to Ari's death. But she knows. Life is harsh and cruel, things change, people change.
"If we still feel the same after three years, I'll wait for you, okay?" she whispers into her phone.
"Deal."
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When she sees the Facebook status and picture, she goes and sits herself in the corner of the bar, choking back tears.
in a relationship with Bridget Jones.
She drowns the drink and orders another.
"Never would have thought to find you here."
She whips around. "Iggy?"
It really is him, in the flesh. "Saw the status and decided to drink your sorrows away?"
She sniffs. "Yes. And why are you here?"
He shrugs. "Internship," he says in a tone that one uses to explain everything. They sit in silence for a while until she breaks it.
"How could he do this to me?"
"People change. Feelings change."
"Life is cruel," she moans into her glass. It took Ari away.
"It is," Iggy says. "The world is cold and cruel. But people are crueler. People hurt the ones they love the most, people say the most hurtful things to the ones they care the most about. People lie to the ones that trust them, people cheat and deceive the ones who look up to them."
"What's your point?"
"Love is the same thing."
love cheats you love betrays you love hurts you love lies to you love is cruel
She hears it.
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R u okay?
It is from a number she hasn't spoken to in months. The nerve of him.
yes
It is a lie, but he's too far gone to read her as well as he used to.
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When she graduates, she is a shell of a person. She moves back to Los Angeles and she sees him for the first time in a fancy restaurant, girl on his arm. There is bile and poison in her mouth.
"I'm so glad you could make it, Max," Fang beams at her.
She half hears the conversation going on, only answering questions when deemed appropriate.
The girl has russet colored hair and kind green eyes. Bridget is intelligent and chatty, full of life and joy.
"You're so funny, Fang!"
Her steak suddenly loses its taste.
She called him Fang. He let her call him Fang. Her world stops spinning, the sun sets on the east, the sky is no longer blue.
"Are you okay, Max?"
Her chocolate eyes meet dark ones.
"Yeah."
No.
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A black and silver envelope finds itself into her apartment. Without opening it, she knows what is is.
But she opens it anyway.
"You are cordially invited to the wedding of..."
She incinerates it on her stove when she cooks her dinner. Too bad the blue gas flames can't burn away all her love and heartbreak.
The harsh reality is cutting.
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She has exactly two free hours before the reception, and she thinks she's done enough hiding. Her eyes are watery and bloodshot in the mirror, but it's nothing concealer and eyeshadow can't fix. She bites her lip and tries on a fake smile and feels everything she should be feeling.
Perfect.
She strips out of of her tank and shorts as she steps into her shower, turning the left knob to the max. The water shifts to a scalding hot and she sits with her legs crossed under the spray, reminding herself that this is the last time she's ever gonna see him.
R u okay?
She wonders if she could be the girl in white if she'd just said no.
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The ceremony is beautiful and pure, full of happy tears and well wishes in the air. She sits with her silver cocktail dress with matching sandals, lost in the crowd of faces. She's half gone by the time the everyone settles into their places at the altar and she clumsily rises to her feet three seconds late when the bride walks in.
"...speak now or forever hold your peace."
She looks at his face, clear and so full of life, sees all the happiness and love plastered on it for the whole world to see. Gone were the guarded walls and masks. He is truly in love and she loves him too much to ever wipe that expression off his face.
Even if it wasn't for her.
"Do you, Nicolas Ride, take Bridget Jones as your..."
She tunes herself out. It was a slow death, starting from the pits of her stomach to the bottom of her heart. There is burning fire, envy, heartache. There is the cutting pain, there is sadness, the type where you feel like nothing's wrong but you cry yourself to sleep at night. It eats her up until there is almost nothing left.
Almost.
She can't look at them kiss.
Maximum Ride. The should've been. The what-if. The greatest something that could've been.
Not Bridget.
And when everyone rises, she remains seated. When the hall erupts in cheers and applause, there is a distinct sound of a heart breaking.
She is gone.
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The beach is cloudy; she doesn't think she could handle it if it were sunny.
She parks her car in the half empty parking lot and strides down to the familiar sanctuary of waves and sand. Her sandals are in one hand as she makes her way to the rocks, wet sand beneath her toes, wind in her hair, a bitter smile on her face.
There are no seagulls anymore, and she inwardly laments on how garbage and filth had taken hold of the gray boulders.
It is a slow climb to the rocky alcove with room for two.
She reaches it and sits down, touching the carved M F BFFS in the rock. Right here, in this moment, he was hers. In the midst of heartbreak and lost love, he was hers. Nobody could touch them right now.
Tick.
The fleeting moment dissipates into thin air.
She sits on cold stone with a perfect view of the sea and feels the first tear roll down lifeless cheeks.
"I love you," she whispers to wind and water. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
And for the last time, she cries for him, for love, for her lost forever. For all the missed years of what-ifs, for the something that could have been everything.
Adding a little more water and salt into the sea wouldn't hurt her.
But it does anyway.
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call me when your heart is gone
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FIN
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when time comes
and goes around
it gets harder to forget you
and I don't know why
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you were a different kind of pain you were a different kind of heartache you were a different kind of loss you were a different kind of forever you were the something you were the what if you were mine you were mine you were
x
x
x
and
x
still are
x
everything
x
x
x
to me
notes3: I like breaking hearts. Drop a review?