Benny was uncomfortable.
It was a funeral. A funeral for someone he hadn't known very much, and for someone who hadn't liked him very much at all.
He glanced sideways at Mimi, where she sat, looking pale and drawn and miserable.
trying to do right by her I'm trying I'm trying
He was only there for her. She'd wanted to come. Angel was had been one of her best friends, the best friend, in point of fact. She couldn't miss the funeral.
…but she couldn't get out of bed this morning either. Too weak. And so he'd taken her. Paid his respects while keeping an eye on her.
Yet he still felt surplus. Unwanted.
Why did everything have to change?
He was doing his best. He paid for the funeral, for Christ's sake. He'd only done it for her.
Look, Mimi. See how much I love you?
But it was ridiculous, and hopeless, he knew, even as they drove from the Church and she dissolved silently into tears on his shoulder. She was probably wishing it was someone else's shoulder, anyway.
She only looks at Roger. She's with me. She says she hates him. She say she loves me. But still she looks only to him.
Couldn't she see that his was the safer path? Comfort for her last days, a warm place to stay, and food to eat. He was trying to do right by her. Couldn't she see that where she wished to go would only lead to misery and a slow, humiliating death? He was giving her safety.
Yeah, but Roger- Benny grimaced internally- Roger had this amazing dark glamour to him. Doomed. And the two of them were in love, still in love, even though they were trying to deny it. Benny knew deep down that the Feline of Fourteenth Street would never settle for the safe path if her eyes were set on an alternative route.
Live fast, die young.
Flash, sparkle, fade out.
Just trying to do right by her.
And trying, by the looks of it, to do right by Mark, too. Because Benny had seen the close proximity he kept to Roger, seen his stolen glances and the pained expressions if Roger snuck looks at Mimi. He didn't live with the pair any longer, but he knew the signs…
He wished Mimi didn't love Roger.
He wished that they would all just see sense.
…he wished he had a really strong drink. Yes, he wished he could get really drunk, disgustingly drunk, so drunk he'd forget everything else, and they'd make love like they did before she met Roger. Then they'd go to sleep, and he'd wake up, and there'd be no funeral, no chill wind, no goddamn hangover and no goddamn AIDS. Yes, right now he really wished he could get a large, stiff drink.
Well. Didn't they all.