The Janitor of ShinRa Headquarters: The Stupidest Story Ever Told
By: S. R. Holmes
Author's note/ Introduction:
Hello Dear Reader,
This story is just some dumbass idea I had stick me in the brain the other day so I decided to type it. In no way whatsoever is this story serious: it's just another random-assed "crackfic".
In summation: Sephiroth meets the head janitor at ShinRa headquarters for the very first time and it changes his life forever.
Oh, yeah, the janitor is me. I actually AM a janitor. There IS method to my madness.
I really have no idea where this came from. Like, seriously.
This is set during the game when Sephiroth breaks into the ShinRa Headquarters and kills the president of the company.
Disclaimer: As if this wasn't fucking blatantly obvious: I DO NOT own anything mentioned in this story except the retarded story and the janitor. The janitor is me. Sephiroth, Cid Highwind and President Shinra are the property of Square-Enix. Heavy Metal is property of Columbia/Tri-Star Pictures. The song "Kung Fu Fighting" is property of Carl Douglas. DON'T FUCKING SUE ME.
Sephiroth made his way to the top of the building known as the ShinRa Headquarters. He moved like a shadow in the night: silent, unseen. He'd decided to take the stairs so as not to lose the element of surprise and not once before did he realize there were so many fucking stairs! There seriously had to be like, a thousand flights of them! Undeterred, he pressed onward and finally made it to the top. Made it to where his target was.
The president.
Sephiroth stormed into the floor just before the president's office and was immediately set upon by elite SOLDIERs. So he had been expected…
Sephiroth shredded his enemies with his unreasonably long sword. Blood, body parts and guts were everywhere; he even left a trail of blood on his way up the gaudy double staircase that led to the president's office. He kicked the door in and saw that fat, arrogant whorespawn of a president sitting at his desk, frantically searching for something within the contents of the drawers. The president looked up, utter terror tainting his face.
"Oh! S-s-s-s-s-s-Sephiroth! I-I-I-" The president stammered, unable to form cogent sentences.
"Kill him, my son. Take that which is yours…"
"Yes, mother." Sephiroth turned his attention from the voice in his head to the fat man before him,
"I can give you anything, Sephiroth! Money! Women! Men? Whatever you want I'll -"
"Shut up you cow. You will never see the promised land." Sephiroth says, rage reflecting in is glowing, mako tainted eyes.
"No! Wait -" President Shinra fearfully spat.
SHIRK. In the blink of an eye, Sephiroth had skewered the president to the large chair he sat on, the tip of the blade slightly buried into the linoleum floor. Blood trickled down the blade and onto the floor. Sephiroth uttered an evil, maniacal burst of laughter. The planet was his! He will follow in Mother's footsteps and rule the world!
"Very good, my son. Now let's…do you hear that?"
His laughter suddenly stopped, he went completely silent. What was that noise?
It sounded like the telltale dull rolling noise of a wheeled mop bucket and footsteps coming from downstairs. Curiosity got the better of him and he silently slinked downstairs again and saw a young lady, about twenty or so, with crimson red hair pulled back into a big, fluffy bun. The lower half of the back of her head had been shaved short, and she wore jeans and the ShinRa janitors' uniform. One of those bright yellow I.D. Keycards hung from her shirt pocket via a small clip. She had started mopping the blood up off the floor, moving the chunks of gore into a pile as she went. Apparently she was wearing headphones, as she was bobbing her head in the traditional way people did when they were listening to rock and roll music. Suddenly she stopped, took out her mp3 player and pressed a button, then took a stance reminiscent of some sort of kung-fu and sang:
"-and everybody was Kung-Fu fighting! HIYAA!" she swung the mop like a katana or halberd and flung bloody mop water ten feet in front of her, "- those cats were fast as lightning! WOOYAH!" more mop water went flying, this time in a scarlet semicircle.
Sephiroth couldn't help but chuckle -it was a damn funny sight. He sat at the top of the stairs, hidden in shadows, and continued to watch the janitor. She sang the whole song, all the while making funny noises like HIYAA or EEIAH or WHAA-TAH and flinging bloody mop water every which way; she'd even done a few decent flying kicks, the last one of which she slipped on what looked like a lung and almost fell. Sephiroth was laughing so hard he was almost in tears. He had an agenda to destroy the world, but stopping to talk to a lowly peon -especially one as entertaining as her- wouldn't hurt anything. He stood up and walked down the stairs, still chuckling a little as he went.
The girl had stopped her hilarious song and dance, apparently the song was over, and had resumed her rock n' roll headbang. She skidded a little on something on the floor and stopped and turned her foot upwards to look at the bottom of her shoe.
"Ewww! What is that? Brains? Uck, that's going to be SO hard to… -oh, uh, can I help you, sir?"
She pulled the headphones out of her ears and looked at him questioningly. Oddly, Sephiroth didn't get that homicidal urge to rip her apart when he saw her. Strange. He quickly put on a façade of serious intent, he didn't want her thinking he was a nice guy. He sure as hell wasn't.
"What, pray tell, are you doing up here?" he asked, trying to sound ominous. She seemed completely oblivious to the fact that a god was standing before her. It should have pissed him off, but it just didn't. It was like she gave off some sort of serene aura.
A sly smile crossed her face, revealing two very pointy canines.
"Well I could ask you the same thing now, couldn't I? I am mopping up this here bloody, chunky mess -it's a safety hazard, you know, someone could slip and hurt themselves."
Sephiroth snickered,
"Like you almost did on that bit of lung?"
"Oh, god. You saw that? Ugh…" She put her hand to her eyes a moment then let her arm drop, she looked back up at him,
"So, what are you doing up here, Mr. Hack n' Chop? I've already locked the bathrooms up, but I got the keys…"
"Aren't you the least bit worried that I'll kill you? I mean, I've already butchered everybody here but you." Sephiroth was slightly intrigued by her lack of terror.
She simply shrugged and leaned a little, using the mop handle for support, and said,
"Shit happens, dude. Don't make no no-mind to me."
That just floored him. How could somebody be so Zen about death? Why didn't she care? What the hell was wrong with her? He just had to ask, his other agenda momentarily forgotten. He didn't try to hide the look of surprise plastered on his face.
"What the hell do you mean, 'shit happens'? Don't you have friends? Family? Anything?"
"I have both. But death, quite simply, is an inevitability. I'd rather die fighting you with a mop than die a pruney old woman in a smelly bed somewhere with no control of my body functions. I'd rather die by the sword than die by old age, so it seems I'm in the wrong place at the right time."
Sephiroth just couldn't believe it. Wisdom really could be found in the strangest of places. He spoke again,
"So you're saying you wouldn't mind dying right now?"
"Nope. It's a scary thought, yeah, but death is only the beginning. So I'm cool with it."
Sephiroth examined her body language. That odd lack of terror and that serenity that enveloped her was there, she was telling the truth. What a strange, strange human she was. She was wise, smart, tranquil -she was beautiful in her own way… that was his mission, though, Mother wanted him to destroy everything that was beautiful, everything that was full of life… but…
Jenova was losing control of her puppet and knew it.
"Kill her now, my child! Rend her from end to end! Quickly!"
And so he would. Though this time he would feel an iota of compunction.
Sephiroth drew his sword and slashed at the young girl. She did not move, did not waver or blink.
"WHAA-TAH!"
In an instant, Sephiroth was laying face down on the floor. The young girl sat cross legged atop his back, inspecting his sword with keen attention, she spoke as she did so,
"Just because I'm alright with death doesn't mean I wouldn't put up a fight, dumbass." the tone of her voice was matter-of-fact. Sephiroth was surprised that she didn't sound angry at all. He didn't bother to get up, curiosity getting the better of him once again, he crossed his arms in front of him and rested his chin upon them and simply asked
"How in the Hells did you do that?"
"Powers. I have 'em." she then proceeded to pop her neck, crack-crack-crack *pause* crack-crackle-crack.
The sound made Sephiroth cringe, despite the horrors he'd seen at war; not even his neck sounded like that. Ugh.
"Say, Sephiroth, why do you fight with such a long sword? I used to think you were compensating for something, but you seem WAY too arrogant for that. So what's the deal? Seriously, this thing is longer than I am."
"I don't know, I just like fighting with it. Better reach, I guess. That and I can subtly demonstrate my superior power." He thought that sounded right, anyways.
"Uh-huh…well, you wanna do it?"
"WHAT?" Sephiroth was caught completely off guard.
"What do you mean 'what?' This is usually the part in the fan fiction where the two main characters have badly written sex for no apparent reason at all. Or maybe some guy shows up and it's a yaoi or something…I dunno. But you're an evil badguy, it could be a rape scene. Ooooooo, scary." She stated, obviously amused at his sudden unease.
"Hey, I may be insane but I'm not some desperate, depraved rapist. Cripes. Let's just skip the terribly written sex, shall we? I really have no intention of doing that right now, I -"
WHACK!
" -OW! What the hell was that for?" Sephiroth whined, his hand on the back of his head.
"Just what are you sayin? I e'nt super-hot, but I don't think I'm ugly, either. Thank you very much. I'll have you know that I have the startings of a six-pack…" she lifts her shirt up just enough to see the light lines on her stomach,
"…see?"
Sephiroth turned his head. Sure enough, she was an obnoxious little wad of muscles and wisdom.
Jenova had almost lost control of him. She was struggling even now. She had to stop this or her plan for world domination would be ruined. She screamed a command, loud enough that Sephiroth grimaced in pain and put his hands to his ears.
"KILL HER, SEPHIROTH! KILL HER NOW! KILL HER!"
Sephiroth shrieked and arched his back in pain, causing the girl on his back to jump off him. She still held his sword, the damn thing was heavy, though.
"Whoa. What's wrong, dude? You get an idea?"
"I…have to kill you, Mother wants me to kill you… " Sephiroth looked up at the girl, his eyes glowing with insanity. He slowly got up.
She arched an eyebrow at Sephiroth.
"Voices in your head, huh? Don't worry, I got a cure for that. Let's step into my office. Follow me." She grabbed Sephiroth's hand, the other one was pressed to his head as if he had a terrible migraine.
They walked down a couple of flights of stairs to a small, ugly colored door Sephiroth had never noticed before in all the years he'd been here. The girl took out her keys and fumbled a moment with them, locating the correct key.
"KILL HER!" Jenova was losing patience with her favorite puppet. Why wasn't he obeying her?
"KIIIIIILLLLL HERRRRRR!"
Sephiroth moaned in head-splitting agony. Holding his head with both hands.
"KILL HER NOW, SEPHIROTH! DESTROY HER PATHETIC BODY!"
Click.
"Okay, door's unlocked. C'mon, squeaky, 'git." She shooed Sephiroth into the room. He went in, hands grasping his head like he'd just gotten a horrible brain-freeze. There was a simple, battered metal desk with a remote and a small box with a dragon carved on the lid sitting upon its surface. A heavily duck-taped executives' chair, a battered sofa, a scratched up coffee table and a small TV with a built-in DVD player that sat on an old end table were the only other furnishings in the room.
"Set a spell. 'Sofa's nice n' comfy. Just wait a minute while I get my special cure-all prepared."
Sephiroth sat and rested his elbows on his knees, still holding his head, staring at the scratches all over the coffee table. Despite the screaming in his head, he had to ask,
"So what does this cure-all entail, dare I ask?" He said it through clenched teeth. His head hurt so bad and his ears were ringing, he wasn't sure but he thought they may have been bleeding, too.
"Just a minute, you'll see. This is the good stuff, trust me."
That little dragon box on the desk was open and she seemed completely focused on something in her hands. His vision was blurring and he couldn't make out what it was. She finally finished whatever it was she was doing and stood up. She turned and bent to reach the bottom drawer of her desk. He closed his eyes: the pain was unbearable. He could hear the sound of the drawer opening and closing, her walking to the TV, her putting a disc into the DVD player. He looked up at her when she plopped down on the sofa next to him, she had the remote in her hand and what looked like a large cigar in her teeth. She looked so much like that cranky old fart Cid Highwind it was scary. She lit the cigar and took a huge drag and held it in, her chest puffed up from the space her lungs were taking up. She looked ridiculous, Sephiroth thought. Suddenly the girl exhaled smoke loudly and started coughing, a clenched fist in front of her mouth in a vain attempt to be polite.
Jenova knew what was going to happen, she needed to get his ass in gear. Now.
"KILL HER NOW YOU STUPID FUCK! MAKE HER BLEED!"
Sephiroth howled in pain, grabbing his head and squeezing as hard as he could. He had to kill her, he HAD to! Mother was angry with him, the girl had to die! She-
Suddenly the cigar was directly in front of his face.
"Here *cough-cough* you're screaming again. Just take the damn thing." She said, still coughing.
Sephiroth took it and eyed it warily. It sure didn't smell like tobacco. He shrugged and put it to his lips and inhaled like she did, gathering the smoke in his mouth first then breathing it all in at once and held it in as long as he could. That heavy, brain crushing feeling immediately went away and his Mother's screaming began to grow quiet. It felt as though an immense weight was starting to lift from his shoulders.
Jenova was losing control. No! Not now! Not after all this hard work! She summoned the rest of her strength and screamed as loud as she could.
"SEPHIROTH! KILLLLL HERRRRR NOOOOOOOOOOOWW! YOU MORON! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Her voice faded away, silenced forever.
That feeling like his lungs were going to implode kicked in and he exhaled, coughing loudly and handed the cigar to the girl beside him. She took a huge puff and held it in, visibly fighting the urge to cough and handed it back to him. Sephiroth took another hit of the cigar -no, that's not what they were called. What were they called?
"Hey, you" Sephiroth asked, lungs full of smoke.
"It's Seth, ass-head. What do you want?" at that point Seth exhaled, coughing and giggling.
"What are these-" he indicated the cigar-like thing in his hand, "called again? Debbies?"
Seth smiled, "Naw, the little ones are doobies, the big ones like we're smokin' are blunts. Hand that over, you're camping. " Sephiroth handed it over to Seth who took a huge hit and held it.
"Hey, Seth, what did you put on, anyways?"
"Oh, shit. I forgot." Exhaling, bent forward coughing, blindly grabbing for the remote, Seth finally pressed the 'play' button.
An old, animated movie started playing. There was a guy in a space suit driving what looked like an old Cadillac in space, entering Gaia's atmosphere. Rock and Roll was playing in the background.
"What the hell is this?" Sephiroth asked, clearly confused.
"One of the best movies ever: Heavy Metal. Just watch, you'll like it." Seth said, her eyes a little bloodshot.
A few minutes passed, two pairs of eyes glued to the TV. The blunt they had been sharing was only half-gone and Sephiroth began to feel something he hadn't felt in a long time.
"Hey, Seth. Are you hungry at all?" His eyes were bloodshot, and he had a semi-permanent smile stuck on his face.
"...Yeah... You like Choco-Cheezies and Dr. Tonberry?" She said, reaching into a well hidden fridge under the table.
Four hours, five cans of Dr. Tonberry, seven bottles of beer, two bags of Choco-Cheezies, a box of microwaveable egg rolls, one movie, a dance mix CD, several bouts of side splitting laughter and two blunts later...
The villain and the janitor were both sound asleep. Sephiroth was leaning on Seth's shoulder, she had her head rested on his. Slowly, the sun crept over the horizon and peeked into the window of the janitorial office. Seth opened her eyes when the bright rays shone upon her face. She hissed and turned her head. That's when she noticed that Sephiroth was sleeping on her. She nudged him with her shoulder to rouse him from sleep.
"Hey, spanky, wake up."
"Huh? what...eh?" Sephiroth mumbled, only opening one eye.
"Weren't you going to destroy the world or something?"
Oh, fuck. He'd completely forgotten. Mother was going to be pissed. Speaking of...why wasn't she screaming in his ear? Why didn't his head hurt? Oh, well. He really didn't feel like getting up at the moment anyway.
"...Eh...fuck it."
THE IND.
And once again the day is saved thanks to Cannabis.
***Authors' note: this was a lot of fun to write. I don't smoke the good stuff anymore, so don't flip on me. This story really just wrote itself. I hope you enjoyed it. My first longshot (long oneshot) so please R&R. Keep in mind that this story wasn't supposed to be serious so flames will be used to light doobies... heeheeheehee...