They don't understand—they just don't. People often question our friendship. How could I put up with him? Why do I stay his friend even though he pushes me around? They say he abuses me. They say I shouldn't let him act like that. Doesn't what he says and does bother you?
Some people have figured out that I like Tsukki. Yeah, I'm bisexual, alright? They think, maybe I stay by Tsukki in hopes of getting some sort of sexual satisfaction from him? They gawk at my attraction to such a "toxic" person as Tsukishima Kei.
They don't understand our friendship. They don't understand our history, nor our personalities. They just don't understand.
The truth is, I love him. I desperately love Tsukishima Kei. I love him like a child loves his idol, role model, and hero. I love him like a child loves his teddy bear—I could spend the rest of my life with him and still want to spend every minute possible with him. Yes, I also love him in a romantic sense, but I can survive without acting on those feelings. As long as I can stay by his side, I will be happy. I don't need to actualize my indecent fantasies.
Tsukki saved me. All people see is a kid who barely commented when pushed me around.
Other kids constantly forced me to do things for them. They made me do their classroom chores and hold their backpacks. They told me it was to make me stronger. They said they would hang out with me if I helped them. They told me that "friends should help out" and asked if I was their friend. So, I did the chores and carried their bags. I let them bully me and tease me. I let them make fun of me. "Tadashi's face is all pimply!" and "Why're you so scrawny?" I just went along with it all. I was scared, and I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to have friends—I wanted people to like me.
But once Tsukki said it, I understood. "Pathetic." I was pathetic. I shouldn't put up with them. They were abusing me, and I know I would have eventually broken if he didn't scoff at my situation. I would have kept allowing the bullies to push me around. I would have kept trying until I snapped. I would have ended up hurting myself or someone else. Most likely, it would have been myself. But Tsukki stopped that. He showed me that my life didn't have to be like that; I didn't have to be those jerks' monkey. I didn't need to do whatever they asked of me, and I didn't need to let them say mean things to me.
Tsukki was so cool. He was so smart and mature. He was strong and independent: confident enough to be alone. He even stood up to three bullies, despite being all alone. He was amazing. Whereas, I was pathetic. I reduced myself to being a servant for bullies, in my desperation to have friends.
After that encounter, I stopped hanging out with the kids who pushed me around. I wanted to become more like the brave kid who stood up to the bullies. I decided to join a sports team to get stronger. The baseball and soccer clubs had really intimidating guys on the teams, so I went to the volleyball club. I thought that it would be my best bet to join a sports team and get stronger.
I saw Tsukki when I went to the volleyball club. It surprised me, and he seemed really scary. However, I decided that I should thank him for helping me, so I started a conversation. I thanked him, but he had not remembered me.
Maybe that was for the best. I didn't want him to think of me as that pathetic crybaby he saw that day at the park. I wanted him to think I was strong. I wanted to show him that I could be cool, just like him.
But, when he asked me "Have we met before?" I panicked and ended up stuttering a comment about his volleyball sneakers. He told me that the shoes were his brother's, and we started talking about his brother. He was so proud of his brother's being an ace spiker at the champion school, Karasuno. It was so cool! I was jealous that both Tsukki and his brother were so cool.
I started hanging out with Tsukki after that. I loved spending time with him—he was awesome. I looked up to him. I wanted to be like him, and I wanted to stay close to him because he was so cool. There were so many cool things about him, but he didn't seem to notice. I desperately wanted to show him how wonderful he was; I still strive to show Tsukki how awesome he is. He is so calm and collected; quiet and reserved. People stay away from Tsukki because of his stoic nature, but I have learned to read his expressions to know how he feels.
Tsukki does have emotions, but he doesn't like to show them.
However, Tsukki wasn't always like that. He was very expressive as a child. He took it extremely hard when he found out that his brother was not as influential in the Karasuno Boys' Volleyball Club as he had led Tsukki to believe. Akiteru was the ace in his volleyball club in middle school. He went to Karasuno right when the volleyball team became really strong. He did not get to play in games much because everyone on the team was really good at volleyball. Still, Akiteru practiced extremely hard. He stayed late to practice, hoping that his practice would earn him a spot in the starting lineup. Akiteru knew how much Tsukki looked up to him, and he didn't have the heart to tell Tsukki the truth. He lied to Tsukki and told him that he was the ace at Karasuno. In order to keep Tsukki away from the games, he lied and said he would get nervous if Tsukki was watching. Unknowing, Tsukki told everyone how awesome his brother was. Once, he even argued with someone about whether or not his brother was really in the starting lineup for Karasuno. Tsukki excitedly invited me to go with him to see Akiteru play in the Spring High Tournament. When we went, Tsukki found out that Akiteru wasn't in the starting lineup. In fact, he wasn't going to be in the game at all, and he was cheering the team on from the bleachers.
Again, Tsukki said it. "Pathetic." It was clear, however, that he was not talking about his brother. He felt stupid for trusting his brother and for bragging about his brother. He lost faith in people. I saw him retreat into himself, no longer trusting. He lost his trust in himself and in others—he no longer felt comfortable expressing himself. He didn't want to show emotion in case he was wrong about it in the first place. He blocked people out more intensely than before. No one could get near him after that, and most people think he is condescending.
I think Tsukki grew to hate when people tried extremely hard towards unrealistic goals. He often says he "hates hot-blooded people" who uselessly exert energy. Because of what happened to Akiteru, he thinks that trying really hard is pointless. He doesn't understand why people would try so hard. He couldn't understand that people would try so hard, knowing there would always be others who were better than them. He feels like he is the only smart one amongst a bunch of idiots who waste extreme amounts of energy for nothing. He also hates that people in the volleyball team get pumped up so easily. He hates that they follow their instincts when they play volleyball. Tsukki doesn't trust his instincts or emotions. He only trusts the information he sees. Akiteru knows this, and I'm sure that he also knows it is because of him. Tsukki doesn't trust himself after having such blind faith in Akiteru. He doesn't trust his abilities and strengths. He is so afraid of getting hurt again that he won't try.
He hides himself, but I can tell how he feels. I have known him long enough to tell what he means when he says his snarky remarks. People think he is just as mean as the bullies who pushed me around in middle school, but I know better. I know he actually wants me to become a better person when he comments on negative aspects about me. He cares about me, and he never asks me to do things for him. He never asks anything of me, except that I be quiet. He doesn't take advantage of my submissive nature, and, when I do things for him, it is because I want to do it. Tsukki doesn't have confidence in himself, so I do everything I can to help him see how wonderful he is. He is my friend, and I want to help him be the best person he can be. I know his troubled past, and I want to help him overcome his fears. He also deserves to be happy, so I do what I can to make him happy. I love doing it. I love seeing Tsukki smile and show emotion. I want to help him learn to trust and to express himself freely again. I also want to see him work hard in volleyball practice because I know he is talented. I know that he would be better than Hinata if he tried. I want him to try—to get better at volleyball.
It isn't like it is a one-sided friendship, either. We genuinely like spending time together. I love his sense of humor, and my sense of humor is similarly dark. I love exchanging snickering remarks and jokes with Tsukki. Even when he tells me to "shut up," I know he often likes my jokes. He has many reasons behind his saying "shut up, Yamaguchi." He might be planning to tease people some more, and he doesn't want me to ruin the atmosphere he creates. He might want to move on from a subject, so he tells me to be quiet as a way of saying "drop the subject" or something along those lines. Honestly, he may complain about my comments, but sometimes it is just for show. He will complain while secretly enjoying my joke. We also have common interests. Volleyball is a big part of both of our lives, and we both want to do well in school. We love spending time together, even if it is just to do homework. Just having each other as company makes us feel better.
Sure, it hurts a little sometimes when Tsukki tells me to "shut up," but everyone has some flaws. Plus, it only ever hurts for a second, when he says it. This is because of two reasons: (1) I hate doing things Tsukki dislikes, and (2) I just have to take a second to think about why Tsukki said what he said, to understand and forget the initial pain—Tsukki doesn't mean to hurt me, so I can tolerate the occasional sadness. I mean, I sometimes hurt Tsukki's feelings too. Everyone steps on other people's toes sometimes. It is unavoidable, but what matters is our reactions when it happens. I always apologize to Tsukki when I tick him off, and I tell him when he does something that really hurts me. We are best friends, and we do care about each other enough to solve conflicts when they arise.
People often misunderstand our relationship. Tsukishima Kei has a complex personality—he is a very complex person in general. He isn't easy to read, so people who take one look and start assuming things often don't get it right.
Tsukki is sensitive and caring, although he does have a snarky sense of humor. Tsukki often pushes people away. He is just so scared of being hurt, that he won't let people get close to him easily. Though, he is growing as a person, and he is letting people get closer to him again. Sure he acts like he doesn't like them and doesn't care about them, but I think Tsukki enjoys all of the people we have met because of the Karasuno Boys' Volleyball Club.
I look up to Tsukki and I want to help him. I care about him and I love being around him. His presence makes bad days bearable and good days great. I have a close connection with Tsukki, and I understand him better than anyone else. My understanding makes our relationship not "toxic." I understand what Tsukki means, where everyone else only knows what he explicitly says. Tsukki hides his feelings, so I don't merely take his words at face-value. He is a great person and I love him. I do everything I can to show him how I feel. I may have romantic feelings for Tsukki, but the only thing that truly matters to me is his friendship. I don't care about anything else, as long as we stay friends. Everything else is secondary. He is my best friend, and I never want to lose that. And, I think he doesn't want to lose me, either.
That's why I put up with him. That's why I stay. Tsukishima is not as "toxic" as everyone thinks, and we have a strong and mutual understanding of each other. We are best friends, and we love spending time together. We care about each other, and our friendship has the strength to last forever.