The Price of Virtue
By Abraxsys
Our story begins many years ago, with two brothers. Andy and his brother Kyle were hitchhiking down a long and lonesome desert road. As a celebration for graduating college, they scheduled a trip to the Mohave Desert. The brothers were as active as two people can be, and they loved exploring.
Unfortunately, shortly after the caravan they were traveling with set out, a violent sandstorm kicked up. Andy and Kyle made it out fine, but when the dust cleared their group was nowhere to be found. They had been walking for days, and were growing low on food and water. As the scorching sun beat down upon them, they regretted not harvesting water from a cactus they had recently passed.
Kyle turned to Andy. His lips were dry and cracked, and with a raspy voice he said "Hey…bro?"
"Yeah, Kyle?" Andy responded, his own voice barely more than a whisper.
"I don't think I can go much further" Kyle said.
Suddenly Andy was worried for their lives. Together they had lived like many energetic teens usually do, without a care in the world. But now, as his vision grew hazy, Andy wondered if life was truly-
BOOOOOOOORRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGG!
Hey YOU! Yeah, you, the pansy-ass n00b reading this story! I've got one question for you, and one question only.
EXPLOSIONS?
ANDY'S GLORIOUS QUEST OF BADASSITUDE
By Captain Kickass (Second act co-authored by Fabien McSomething)
Suddenly, there shined a shiny demon in the middle of the road, with goat hooves and massive bull horns! WHOA SHIT! Bet you didn't see that coming! And he said, with a voice like a pygmy marmoset head-butting a belt sander, "Plaaaaayyyy the best soooooonnng in the world, or I'll eat your souls!"
Kyle and Andy just looked at each other, before saying at the same time "Okay."
Andy and Kyle both whipped out their guitars. They played the first thing that came to their heads, which just so happened to be THE BEST SONG IN THE WORLD. As the notes rang out into the desert air, the demon was STUNNED. It hadn't heard jams this awesome for one hundred thousand years! A *WHIP-CRACK* went its swampy tail…and the beast was done…
It snorted with frustration before asking them "Be you angels!?"
And they said "Nay! We are but MEN!" and they rocked out even harder than before, blasting the demon off its feet! Aw, you shoulda been there, man! Shit was SO cash!
But then…a fiendish idea came into the demon's head. It would steal their souls anyway, and then use their wicked guitar skills to entertain his demon friends, and finally nail that hot succubus he always sees at the lava pits!
With a toothy grin, the demon shot red lightning bolts out of its hands towards Andy! Kyle acted fast and without thinking, jumped in front of Andy! Kyle was enveloped with electricity as his glowing blue soul was forced from his mouth and out of his body! The soul was pulled to the demon, who quickly swallowed it. Laughing triumphantly, the demon ripped a flaming hole in the ground, and a moment later the demon and the hole were gone…
Chapter 2: This story has CHAPTERS! FUCK YEAH!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Andy bellowed as he knelt down with his brothers body in his arms. "Please Kyle. Don't leave me. I love you…no homo."
Straining, Kyle managed to speak.
"Bro, you have to promise me something. Promise me…that you'll get my soul back…or kick the devil in the face. Whichever is more awesome. I love you too." And with his final breath he whispered "No homo."
"I WILL." Andy said powerfully. "I will get your soul back AND kick the devil in the face!" And then Andy used Kyle's guitar as a shovel and buried him and also put a bunch on cactuses on top to keep away those damn coyotes. GOD DAMN THOSE COYOTES.
Andy walked for a long time across the desert, eating any animals he came across for nourishment. During the journey he decided that the old him was dead, left behind with his brother. Andy was gone, replaced by a new man. One who thirsted for vengeance with a side of pure carnage. One who would not stop until justice had prevailed. He had become DEATHPUNCH, ARCHDUKE OF ASSKICKERY! He was gnawing on a cooked pygmy marmoset on a stick when he realized he had made it back to his home town of LaSalle.
"Finally!" Deathpunch said. By the way, since he's not a pansy-ass sissy any more, Deathpunch's voice is super-deep and MANLY. "Now that I have made it back to my home I must prepare for my invasion of Hell." Deathpunch thought for a while before deciding that he needed the best armor in the world. But since Deathpunch is a smart person and not a stupid, overblown, rich politician, he decided to go to the best place for top-of-the-line equipment: motherfuckin' GOODWILL, BITCH!
Deathpunch kicked down the doors to Goodwill because THAT'S HOW COOL HE IS. Instantly, his eyes were filled with amazing sights: He saw shotguns, claymores, laser rifles, military helicopters, easy-bake ovens and more! But Deathpunch was here for one thing and one thing only.
He jumped into the air, did a triple backflip, and stuck the landing right in front of the cashier LIKE A BOSS. Her nametag said Mari. I don't know if that's the correct spelling but I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Deathpunch patiently waited to be served, because Deathpunch is a gentleman.
After what seemed like TEN MILLION YEARS GOD DAMN Mari finally turned to Deathpunch. "Greetings, sir and/or madam. How may I help you?" She said with the voice of an angel arguing with a drunken student driver.
Deathpunch slammed his MANLY hand on the counter so hard it was sent one hundred years into the future and joined the resistance against the alien overlords. "I require SPACE ARMOR!" He said seductively. "I need it so I can go to space and get the Blood gem so I can go to hell and avenge my bro by kicking the devil in the face!"
"Oh my! That's quite a quest!" Said Mari. "I'll be right back." She turned and dove into the jungle-like isles of Goodwill, hacking through overgrown vines and robot tigers as she went.
Deathpunch was wating when he was tapped on the shoulder. He turned to see that it was MASTER CHIEF, strongest of all space marines! He was wearing his green Spartan armor as always.
"Hey!" Master Chief said with a voice like an angry potato gargling gravel. "You cut in line! Get in back or else!"
Deathpunch could not afford to slow down his quest. "No. My vengeance waits for NO MAN!"
Master Chief pulled out his laser sword. "Then PREPARE TO DIE!" He jumped high in the air with his sword above his head.
WHOA, man! Master Chief looks pretty pissed! Now I know what you pansy-ass nerds are wondering: Is Deathpunch gonnna make it out alive!? Well you're gonna have to find out next time on RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!
Deathpunch dodged the sword Matrix style! Holy SHIT, son! Then he kicked Master Chief in the shin, bringing him down on one knee. Without pausing, Deathpunch Karate chopped him in the neck wear his armor is thinnest, and finished the combo with a MANLY kick that sent the Chief flying backwards.
Master Chief got back up. "Haha. You're good…but not as good as my LASER CANNON!" Master Chief took out his Spartan Laser and started charging it.
Thinking quickly, Deathpunch threw his half-eaten pygmy marmoset on a stick at Master Chief! Deathpunch's aim is FUCKING PERFECT, so the stick got lodged in the Spartan Laser's barrel!
"NOOOOOO!" Master Chief yelled. The Spartan Laser EXPLODED! Holy FUCK! Energy and shrapnel flew everywhere, killing Chief instantly! The explosion set off a chain reaction as every flammable material in the store (which is FUCKING EVERYTHING) started exploding! Deathpunch put on a pair of sunglasses and walked away in sloooowwww moooootiooooonnn cuz DEATHPUNCH DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
Goodwill had completely collapsed when Mari climbed out of the ashes. She went up to Deathpunch holding a BLINDINGLY shiny suit of SPACE ARMOR! "Here you go! Sorry it took so long. I had to enter the bowels of the Earth and slay the Balrog to get it."
Deathpunch took the armor. "Thank you, kind madam! I must go to SPACE now. Sorry about your store."
"Oh it's okay." Mari said. "The janitor will take care of it."
Deathpunch put on the space armor which was made of 100% pure SUPER CROME! He could feel the unlimited power the suit gave him! "Now all I need is a way to get to space!" Deathpunch said. Deathpunch looked around.
"Yo dawg, I heard you need a ride" Deathpunch heard behind him. He turned around to see a PEGASUS! It had huge wings and its entire body was blacker than the blackest black TIMES INFINITY. "My names Tyrone and I'm a Pegasus. I can take you to space. I don't need to breathe cuz I'm MAGIC and shit, yo."
"Are you sure?" Deathpunch asked. "The journey will be long, dangerous, and AWESOME."
Tyrone laughed. "Hell yeah I'm sure! I live for that kinda shit, dawg!"
Deathpunch was so happy that his happiness went one hundred years into the future and helped a counter overcome the depression of having its best friend killed by the alien overlords. "Then let us ride, my friend!" He mounted Tyrone. "TO VICTORY!" There was an awesome EXPLOSION as Deathpunch and Tyrone flew up into the sky! The pair BURST INTO FLAME as they exited the Earth's atmosphere, but they didn't get hurt because they were JUST THAT GODDAMN AWESOME, MOTHERFUCKER!
Chapter 3: TO THE MOOOOOOOON!
Deathpunch and Tyrone were flying through space on their way to the moon to get the Blood Gem. They were listening to "Through the Fire and Flames" by Dragonforce to pass the time.
"So Tyrone, tell me about yourself." Deathpunch said.
"Well I'm not from around here" Tyrone said, his wings flapping. "I used to live in a magical place where everyone was special and could do something better than anyone else. They even got marks for it, kinda like a tattoo. People were very friendly there. In fact, our friendship seemed to be magic all by itself."
"And what was this place called?" Deathpunch asked.
"New Jersey" Tyrone said. "New Jersey…"
The pair were finally getting close to the moon WHEN SUDDENLY bolts of pure energy were flying all around them!
"Oh SHIT!" Tyrone said. "What the fuck's going on!?"
Deathpunch knew exactly what was happening. "It's the ALIENS! Take evasive maneuvers!"
Tyrone started dodging all over the place! He was looping, doing motherfuckin' BARREL ROLES! He was like a bird-horse-space-ninja! Shit was SO cash!
Tyrone pulled up at the last second and they skidded across the moon, leaving a long mark in its surface. When they stopped, Deathpunch wasted no time! He launched into the air and landed in front of the aliens. "I'LL ONLY SAY THIS ONCE! BRING ME THE BLOOD GEM!"
"NEVERRRRR!" The short, big headed aliens said with the voice of one million dying frogs all confessing their love to the same woman. "We will destroy you and your dumb horse too!"
Deathpunch was NOT. HAPPY. "He's…a…PEGASUUUUUSS!" Deathpunch used the suits power to create two machine guns out of PURE ENERGY! The aliens started shooting all their guns at the same time, but Deathpunch jumped high into the air and UNLEASHED AN UNENDING TORRENT OF FLAMING LIGHTNING BOLTS UPON THEM! Within seconds, ten thousand aliens were blown to bloody chunks!
"RETREAT!" Said the alien commander, BUT DEATHPUNCH AIN'T HAVIN THAT SHIT! Still in the air, he used the suits MEGA JETS to send himself flying down. He crashed into the middle of the alien army, creating a huge crater and smashing the rest of the aliens! AND THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH DEATHPUNCH, ARCHDUKE OF ASSKICKERY, BITCH!
Deathpunch couldn't find the Blood Gem nearby. "hmm, it must be on the other side. Tyrone, stay here. I'll be back."
Deathpunch walked until he reached Michael Bay's Transformers: Dark of the Moon. He looked around at all the wrecked spaceships. "It's quiet" He said. "Too quiet…."
SUDDENLY a huge sword came out of nowhere and Deathpunch just barely dodged it! The sword floated back to its owner: MEGATRON, LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS!
"MUAHAHA!" Megatron laughed with the voice of an overweight man attempting to use a blender to slice cheese. "So, you want the Blood Gem? Well you're going to have to get past ME first! HAHAHA!"
Deathpunch created a huge broadsword out of PURE ENERGY and it was AS BIG AS HIS BODY! "I have to get my revenge and kick the devil in the face! If that means I have to defeat you, then I WILL!"
Deathpunch dashed forward MANLY. He swung his sword, but Megatron parried it and cut Deathpunch, leaving a small slice in his armor but not all the way through. Recovering, Deathpunch jumped in the air and tried to get over Megatron, but Megatron smacked Deathpunch far away into one of the spaceships.
"HAHAHA!" Megatron laughed. "Is that really the best you've got!?"
Deathpunch jumped out of the hole in the spaceship and back onto the moon. "FUCK NO" he yelled. He created a rocket launcher out of PURE ENERGY! He started launching so many energy rockets that you couldn't even COUNT them all!
"That's more like it!" Megatron said. Megatron started swinging his sword super-fast cuz when he's not stompin' Autobots he's a MOTHERFUCKIN' SAMURAI! Bet you didn't know THAT, you pansy-ass bitch!
Megatron was cutting the rockets LIKE A BOSS but he didn't notice Deathpunch running at him! By the time Megatron knew what was coming, it was too late. Deathpunch jumped up and swung his sword as hard as he could and CUT MEGATRON'S HEAD OFF LIKE IT WAS GIFTWRAPPING ON CHRISTMAS MORNING! FUCK YEAH!
Deathpunch landed behind Megatron, and Megatron's head landed next to him. "You fought well, my robotic adversary. But in the end…NO ONE BEAT'S DEATHPUNCH, BITCH!" And he kicked Megatron's head INTO THE SUN!
Deathpunch looked far and wide for the Blood Jem, but he couldn't find it. HE EVEN CHECKED THE CRATERS, MAAAAN. You ever been in one of them craters? Those things are fuckin' TERRIFYING. But Deathpunch don't give a fuck….Anyway, Deathpunch finally gave up and went back to Tyrone, but what he saw surprised the FUCK out of him!
Tyrone was jammin' out on a guitar! And there was another horse sitting next to him! "Tyrone! What the FUCK is this!?" Deathpunch angered.
"Oh this is my good friend Luna! We've been chilaxin while you were doin' your thing. Hope that's okay."
"DAMMIT Tyrone! You were just sitting here while I walked across the moon to kick Megatron's ass!?" Deathpunch was so angry that his anger went one hundred years into the future and gave a counter the rage needed to kill an attractive female alien overlord who had stolen its heart and betrayed it.
Luna gasped "You killed Megatron!? Hooray, I'm free! Thank you, my hero! Here, take this!" Luna reached under that weird-ass bib thing she wears and took out the BLOOD GEM! WHAT A TWIST! (I should call M. Night Shyamalan, hook him up with some of my ideas…)
"Thank you, somewhat disturbing cartoon horse!" Deathpunch said. Deathpunch was very powerful, but he knew that even he would need help combating the legions of hell. "Luna, do you know where I can get AN ARMY OF DEMON SLAYING MONSTERS!?"
Luna thought. After a while she gasped. "As a matter of fact, I do! I can open a portal to the land of the Pygmy Marmosets for you!"
Deathpunch's mind was running wild. "Pygmy Marmosets!? Holy FUCK! If I could convince them to help me, we could STEAMROLL through the demon hordes!"
"Yo, dawg! That shit sounds BALLIN!" Tyrone said, putting away his guitar and getting ready to fly.
"So be it!" Luna said. Suddenly, she went SUPER SAIYAN 3 AND SHOT A KAMEHAMEHA INTO SPACE! It was so powerful that it ripped apart space and time!
Deathpunch jumped up onto Tyrone. "Onward!" He shouted. "TO VICTORY!" There was an awesome EXPLOSION as Deathpunch and Tyrone flew up into the sky and into the portal!
Chapter 4: I'm getting real tired of writing this shit.
In a strange place with islands floating in air and plants discussing the newest video game releases, there was an awesome, colorful EXPLOSION! Deathpunch and Tyrone flew out of the smoke and landed on the grass, which got burnt from the sheer AMAZINGNESS of their entry!
"HOLY SHIT!" said one of the trees. "Did you SEE that!?"
Another tree said "HELL YEAH I saw that! That was fuckin awesome!"
Deathpunch got off of Tyrone. "Alright. All we have to do is summon the pygmy marmoset king. Got any ideas?"
"I once heard that pygmy marmosets like the sound of screams." Tyrone said, a hint of fear in his voice.
Deathpunch walked up to a one of the trees. "Hey man! How's it going?"
"Aw, pretty sweet dude!" The tree said. "I just wanna say that you're totally awesome, bro. If I were you, I'd-AAAAAGGHGH!" The tree yelled in pain as Deathpunch started beating it up WITH HIS BARE HANDS! The tree screamed like a pansy-ass girl when SUDDENLY there was a blinding flash of light! Deathpunch turned and saw none other than the PYGMY MARMOSET KING, WITH GOLDEN RAYS OF HOLY LIGHT AND CHAINSAWS, BITCH!
"WHO DARES SUMMON ME, THE PYGMY MARMOSET KING!?" It demanded with a voice like a girl scout boy scout.
Deathpunch POWERFULLY stepped forward. "I dare summon you! I am DEATHPUNCH, ARCHDUKE OF ASSKICKERY and I have come to recruit an army of your followers!"
"hmmm" The pygmy marmoset king thought. "I will lend you my soldiers…IF you can answer this riddle! What…..IS TWO PLUS TWO!?"
"OH FUCK!" Deathpunch thought. He thought long and hard (no homo) about what the answer might be. Finally Deathpunch had an answer ready. "The answer….IS THREE!"
"My god" The pygmy marmoset king gasped. "no one has ever correctly answered the riddle! Truly, you are deserving of my army. All you must do is call them, and they shall come to your aid."
"Thank you, pygmy marmoset king." Deathpunch got back onto Tyrone. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to KICK THE DEVIL IN THE FACE." Deathpunch focused on the Blood Gem. The Blood Gem glowed with power when SUDDENLY a swirling red vortex opened up and Deathpunch and Tyrone got sucked inside! AWWW SHIT, HERE WE GO!
Chapter 5: THE FINAL BATTLE! OH SHIT, SON!
Deathpunch and Tyrone fell onto a hot, rocky landscape. Deathpunch got up and looked around. He saw nothing but rocks, lava, and a huge volcano in the distance. "Alright, Tyrone! Get your SHIT together! We gotta get to that Volcano and get my bro's soul back!"
Tyrone got up and spread his wings like yo mama spread her legs last night OOOOOHHHHHH! "You got it!" Deathpunch and Tyrone took off and sped towards the giant volcano.
It wasn't long before the duo encountered the legions of hell. The demons covered the hellish floor like a carpet. There were many kinds of demons, including lawyers, feminists, and PEOPLE WHO CHEAT AT VIDEO GAMES! They shot so many fireballs at Deathpunch that even he couldn't dodge them all! Tyrone got hit and they went down!
They were surrounded by the demons, but Deathpunch didn't have TIME to fight them all! "COME TO ME!" he shouted upwards. "PYGMY MARMOSETS!"
All was silent. No one moved. Then, quietly at first, then louder, came a rumbling that shook the ground. The demons turned to look. There, on the horizon, was a MASSIVE, UNCOUNTABLE ARMY OF PYGMY MARMOSETS AS FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE! The demons screamed with fear and tried to run, but the pygmy marmosets were too fast. There was blood and carnage EVERYWHERE, you shoulda BEEN there, man!
With the demons distracted, Deathpunch decided to rush for the volcano! He created two katanas of PURE ENERGY! He started running at 65 MILES PER HOUR, carving his way through the demons as he ran through them!
Covered in demonic blood, Deathpunch reached the volcano. He kicked open the massive double doors and stepped inside. What he saw inside chilled him to his very core:
A HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM!
Deathpunch ran up to the front desk! "I need to see the devil so I can KICK HIM IN THE FACE!"
The front deskman turned around. He was very tall, thin, had skin like fuckin' Casper the ghost, and NO FACE WHOA SHIT! Also he wore a fancy suit and tie. "Welcome to Hell. Do you have an appointment?" Slenderman asked with a voice like a train full of nails hitting a train full of chalk boards.
"Uh…no…" Deathpunch said.
"Well then you're going to have to wait your turn. Please take a number." Slenderman said calmy.
"I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WAIT, MOTHERFUCKER!" Deathpunch angered. He swung his sword at Slenderman, but when the sword touched him Deathpunch's vision went blurry and he felt a stinging pain in his arm.
"Don't do that" Slenderman said. "It's annoying."
Deathpunch, grumbling, took a number and sat down next to a man wearing a black and white pinstripe suit with crazy Einstein hair.
"Howdy there, friend!" The man said. "Name's Betelgeuse, nice to meet ya!" Betelgeuse held out his hand. Deathpunch didn't shake it. "Hey I was just wonderin what number ya had?" Deathpunch showed him his number, which came after Betelgeuse's. "Oh. Uh…nevermind. Nice talkin to ya."
Betelgeuse walked over to another…uh…person? It was like a bunch of animals got put into a blender or some shit. Anway, Betelgeuse said to it "Heeeyyy, Discord! You remember your old pal Betelgeuse right? Well I was just wonderin what number ya had."
Discord smiled devilishly. "Oh, dear. You don't want MY number, I'm afraid." Discord showed his card, which had the number 9001 on it, WAY higher than any of the other numbers. "Perhaps you should ask that FIENDISHLY handsome fellow over there." Discord pointed over to Discord, who was sitting in the corner.
Betelgeuse walked over to Discord. "Heeeyyy, Discord! You remember your old pal Betelgeuse right? Well I was just wonderin what number ya had."
Discord smiled devilishly. "Oh, dear. You don't want MY number, I'm afraid." Discord showed his card, which had the symbol for infinity on it. "Perhaps you should ask that FIENDISHLY handsome fellow over there." Discord pointed over to Discord, who was sitting across from him.
Betelgeuse walked over to Discord. "Heeeyyy, Discord! You remember your old pal Betelgeuse right? Well I was just wonderin what number ya had."
Discord smiled devilishly. "Oh, dear. You don't want MY number, I'm afraid." Discord showed his card, which had the words "You're an idiot" on it. "Perhaps you should ask that FIENDISHLY handsome fellow over there." Discord pointed over to Discord, who was sitting upside down on the ceiling.
Deathpunch sat there, watching Betelgeuse go back and forth between the SAME PERSON when someone sitting next to him spoke up. "Pathetic, isn't it? They've been at this for HOURS."
The man wore an outfit that was mostly black leather, and he had a KICKASS MECHANICAL ARM FUCK YEAH! "My name's Valdarius, by the way. I just recently died and I'm trying to get reincarnated."
"How'd you die?" Deathpunch asked. If he HAD to wait, he might as well pass the time somehow.
"I fell down a pit." After seeing Deathpunch almost start laughing, Valdarius said "Hey! It was a big pit, okay!? And the ground was loose! …So what are you here for?"
"I'm here to get my bro's soul back and KICK THE DEVIL IN THE FACE!" Deathpunch yelled.
"Okay, okay. Jeez. You know, you should talk to death. He knows a lot about souls. He's right over there." Valdarius motioned to a dark, hooded figure using an old scythe as a walking stick.
Deathpunch, ARCHDUKE OF ASSKICKERY, walked over to the hooded man. "Uh, hi. I hear you know some things about souls?"
Death jerked his head to face Deathpunch. "I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT SOULS! I'M DEATH, GOD DAMMIT!" After freaking Deathpunch out, Death calmed down a bit. "Sorry, I'm in a bad mood today."
"Why?" Deathpunch asked.
Death whispered. "Because I walked in here thinking I could just steal this thin dude's soul and walk on by, but every time I try he pulls some weird shit. Also he's really fuckin' creepy and looking at him hurts my eyes."
Deathpunch agreed. He said "Hey, I was wondering. If I give you a soul, can you bring someone back to life?"
Death sighed. "I suppose, if I'm not busy."
"AWWWW HELL YEAH!" Deathpunch returned to his seat and waited patiently because Deathpunch is a gentleman.
After what seemed like TEN MILLION YEARS GOD DAMN Slenderman finally called Deathpunch's number. Deathpunch wasted no time! He sprinted down the hall AT THE SPEED OF SOUND and PUNCHED THROUGH THE WALL AND INTO THE DEVIL'S ROOM!
The Devil was truly a terrifying sight to behold! He was five hundred feet tall and he had demonic horns that were INFINITELY LONG! ONE THOUSAND whores clung to his crotch, all attempting to please him. He had four arms, each holding a massive BATTLEAXE MADE OF LIGHTNING AND FIRE!
"SO YOU HAVE COME" Said the devil with a voice like all the other voices described in this story COMBINED. "I HAVE BEEN EXPECTING YOU. ARE YOU READY TO DIE?"
Deathpunch looked at the devil with fire in his eyes. No, seriously. His eyes were LITERALLY on fire. But Deathpunch don't give a fuck. "Devil, this is your only warning. Give me my bro's soul back or I'LL KICK YOU IN THE FACE!"
"MUAHAHAHAH" the devil laughed. "HOW FOOLISH OF YOU. COME. MEET YOUR END."
Deathpunch jumped SIX HUNDRED FEET INTO THE AIR! HOLY FUCK HE'S THE HULK ON STEROIDS! The devil raised his axes and swung all four at Deathpunch, BUT DEATHPUNCH AIN'T HAVIN THAT SHIT! He channeled all of his power and all of the suits power and KICKED SO HARD HIS LEG BROKE THE SOUND BARRIER AND BURST INTO FLAMES, BITCH! The devil's first axe shattered into a million pieces!
"WHAT!?" the devil gasped, shocked!
The force of Deathpunch's kick propelled him forward, slamming into the devil's second axe with the force of TEN THOUSAND TRAIN'S, EACH THE SIZE OF OUR GALAXY! The devil's second axe was reduced to DUST!
"THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!" the devil screamed.
DEATHPUNCH AIN'T FINISHED YET, MOTHERFUCKER! His kick continued even further, slicing though the god damn AIR! Deathpunch's leg was now a RAGING INFERNO OF STRENGTH. The devils third axe didn't stand a chance!
"NO! PLEASE! I BEG YOU!" the devil pleaded, crying like a pansy-ass baby!
"IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW, YOU PUNY LITTLE MAGGOT!" Deathpunch bellowed! The force of Deathpunch's kick became so powerful that it CREATED ITS OWN UNIVERSE! Then, it absorbed that universe and used it as fuel so that Deathpunch entered WARP SPEED NINE MILLION! The devil's last axe simply blinked out of EXISTANCE.
After such a long, dangerous, and awesome journey, Deathpunch had finally succeeded. Now, He could finally rest…..BUT NOT BEFORE HE
KICKED.
THE.
DEVIL.
IN.
THE.
FAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCE!
Deathpunch collided with the devil's skull with force equal to that of the BIG BANG THAT CREATED THE UNIVERSE. The devil's head EXPLODED SO HARD EVEN THE LITTLE PIECES OF HIS HEAD EXPLODED LIKE ONE OF THOSE CHAIN REACTION FIREWORKS! Glorious rays of holy light were cast from the explosion, creating a towering beacon of greatness that could be seen for motherfuckin' MILES!
Deathpunch landed on the ground, his body literally SMOKING from the energy he just put out! The devil's headless body crashed down behind him, throwing dust and debris into the air. Deathpunch stood up and walked forward to the lava pits that were connected to the devil's room. As soon as he entered he saw a shining demon with goat hooves and massive bull horns. It was jamming out on a guitar, surrounded by a bunch of hot succubi.
Deathpunch tapped the demon on its shoulder. "Huh?" The demon said, turning around. With one swift movement Deathpunch chopped off its head with a karate chop! The succubi screamed and ran away as a glowing blue soul came out of the demon's neck. Deathpunch grabbed the soul and slowly walked out of the volcano LIKE A BADASS!
On his way back, he passed through the waiting room again. "Death. I got a soul for ya. Come with me." He turned to Betelgeuse and Discord. "Betelgeuse, Discord's fuckin' with ya. And Discord?"
"Mmmyes?" Discord said while making some chairs dance.
Deathpunch looked at Discord with the BURNING FURY OF TEN THOUSAND SUNS. Discord instantly turned to stone.
Just before Deathpunch left he said "Hey Valdarius. If any of that pit bullshit happens again, just call me. I'll help ya out." Valdarius nodded.
"Thanks for visiting! Come again!" Slenderman said before going back to watching Marblehornets.
Tyrone and the pygmy marmosets were waiting for him outside. "It's done." Deathpunch said, setting astride the pitch black Pegasus. "Let's blow this popsicle stand!" He used the Blood Jem to open a vortex and they all EXPLODED into the sky and into the portal!
They returned to Kyle's burial site with Death. Death put Kyle's soul back in his body and did the Thriller dance to bring him back to life.
Kyle stood up. "BRO!" He hugged Deathpunch. "I knew you could do it! Thanks for saving me man!"
Deathpunch was overjoyed to see his bro again. "No problem, bro. anytime."
SUDDENLY, there was a flash of light and a futuristic car came out of nowhere with two streaks of FLAME behind it! The door opened and THE COUNTER FROM GOODWILL STEPPED OUT! DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
"Deathpunch! You must come with me to the future! The resistance needs your help against the EVIL ALIEN OVERLORDS!" The counter said. The counter had been through some rough fights, and so half of it was replaced by robot parts, making it a CYBORG COUNTER!
Kyle and Deathpunch just looked at each other, before saying at the same time "HELL YEAH!"
Deathpunch, Kyle, Tyrone, and the cyborg counter all got into the Delorean. The Delorean got up to 88 miles per hour and there was a flash of light! The Delorean was GONE, nothing left but two streaks of flame….
The End.