Authors note: I own nothing, I just wanted to play a simple conversation on the aftermath of the film and see how it went.
It was over, none of it was his fault. Steve reminded him on a daily basis, what else could Bucky do but helplessly agree? Knowing that wouldn't erase the memories of the nightmarish years of his life, hearing those words didn't help him sleep, but Steve didn't need to know any of that. All he, Captain America, needed to know that he had made the right choice, that he hadn't abandoned his friends for an irredeemable man.
So Bucky was trying to be redeemable.
Just before Zemo had decided to force him out of hiding, he had been, in a strange way, content. Sure every day was an on-edge day, he'd had to keep himself under the radar, but he wasn't killing anyone, and for Bucky that was a definite plus. He had found ways to cope with his guilt, refusing to bend to depression, he kept himself very busy learning about the modern world. He even made steps towards being something of a human being, even if it was just a turn of phrase here and there to a shop keeper or waitress.
But after the whole fiasco, where Iron man had justifiably tried to rip him limb from limb for the murder of his parents, Bucky had felt a sense of displacement. The things he had done, even if beyond his control, would follow him around like a shadow for the rest of his days. Just coping wasn't going to be enough to get through. But he had planned without hesitation to survive, it was what he had been trained for after all.
It had been something of an awakening, even with Steve's adamant defiance that Bucky was anything but his dear old friend, he knew the neither of the men he had been, Bucky or the Winter soldier, could exist any longer. He would have to be something or someone else, there was no going back or forward without that compromise. The trick was learning how.
With Steve there with him, it was easier to pretend. He had tried desperately to remember their youth, the dancing girls, the fights, the war, but all that came to mind was scrambled yet detailed accounts of his assassinations. In those at least he had no doubts, of what Steve tried to remind him of he couldn't quite believe.
In the months that followed he had been given something of a pass from Steve and the others, which was both relieving and humbling. He wasn't sure how to thank them, the words he had would never be enough, so he helped. He found weakness of their shattered little group and he filled it with his strength where ever and when ever he could.
Black Widow or Natasha as she insisted from him now, had found them a base of operations, somewhere they could continue their work without being harassed by the government. It moved, they moved, a lot. They had lost a lot of their tech, without Tony's technology and know how, things were going to be tight, mostly on repairs and transport.
Wakanda offered as much as they were able without rousing suspicions, managing to replace Bucky's dismantled and mangled left arm, but with no secret identity to hide behind, the King could not be physically seen with the renegades.
Despite this, Steve remained as ever, steadfast and resolved to carry on saving lives, to be strong, and unwavering. Which was easy for a man who didn't need machines to operate, although his uniform certainly needed replacing more times than not. They relied on Natasha's connections, and hope that what remained of S.H.I.E.L.D would be at their disposal.
They trained, they planned, they rested but mostly they hid. It was becoming a routine, one Bucky was already overly familiar with. He didn't mind at all, not really, what took getting used to was having people to do it all with, that and being allowed to stay awake once a job was done, actually remembering it all and calling those memories as his own.
He had a feeling when they were all together, of growing familiarity and fondness, it was something he knew had come before Hydra, even if he couldn't pin-point the memory, the feeling was familiar. It felt good, really, really good.
Despite all his loss, he did have the single moment it had all begun to fall into place for him, Steve and Natasha had their turn cooking, both laughing at some mess they had made, Sam, Wanda and Scott had sat down to play a board game that was unfamiliar to Bucky. It was a rare night off for them all, the tensions of the whole year seemed to melt away in an instant, and Bucky had stood awkwardly, watching them all, imprinting the scene to his memory. One of the few good moments he could recall without any effort.
Since then he had tried so hard to make more memories like that, he had been caught many times, just staring fixedly as his team mates argued or joked or gave dramatic speeches, responding with a quiet quirk of his lips that was not yet a smile. But it could be.
One evening, Steve cornered him after training, sweat beading on his brow, bruises around his face healing even as he spoke, Bucky had a towel in hand, wiping the blood from his metal knuckles with a stalled apology on his lips.
"You've been quiet, Buck." His tone was careful, not wanting to have the soldier clam up on him.
"Am I not always quiet?" Bucky answered with sincere confusion.
"More so, than usual." Steve's eyes creased with concern.
"It's been difficult, you know." Bucky paused, searching for the right words.
"Yeah," Steve nodded a little and rested his hand on Bucky's fleshed shoulder. "About what you said, when we were looking for Zeno, wondering if you were worth all the fighting. You know I still think the answer is one hundred percent yes."
"That's not it." Bucky shook his head, resting the towel over his shoulder. "Cap- Steve," he licked his lips, trying to find the words. "I don't regret pulling you from your world and into mine. I don't regret the Avengers being torn apart. I know I should, I should feel bad about it, but I don't. It gave me this-" He paused, "this life." He took in a deep breath and looked up at the Captain, his shoulders squaring up a little in self assurance.
Steve stared for a moment then smiled. "Neither do I."
Bucky felt something of relief pass through his chest, but he couldn't stop there. "You want me to remember before the war, I have tried, but I don't care about any of that either. Whoever that man was, it isn't me, at least not any more."
"Don't say that, Buck." Steve frowned at him, concern and pain growing in his eyes. "I know who you are, and who you will always be."
"No, Captain- Steve, that is who you remember, but that is not me. I need you to understand, whatever life we had is done, it's gone with the past." Bucky shook his head, dark hair falling about his eyes.
"So you are just giving up on those memories?" Steve was about to start an impassioned speech, his blue eyes filling with that sincere need to be heard but Bucky stopped him, raising his metal hand.
"I am not this either, I am not the winter soldier, I'm something else. I need to be something else. I don't know how to make you understand."
Steve stared at him for a moment, his jaw clenched slightly before he replied. "When Zeno questioned you he called you James. Do you remember?" Bucky nodded mutely. "You told him your name was Bucky. I called you that name. Before then, you had just been the Winter soldier, I called you Bucky and you kept it. Do you know why?"
Bucky paused, his brows knitting as he revisited the memory. "You gave me a name, and I remembered it."
"It stuck to you even when they tried to take it all away." Steve leaned in to be eye level with his friend. "Because it is yours, you understand? All those forgotten memories will come back, because they are yours, they are and will always be part of who you are."
"Things have changed, Steve, I can't just bury the assassinations, just like I can't live my life on the hope that I will remember a time before them." Bucky's tone was quiet but clear.
"No, I know." The captain closed his eyes a moment. "I hope you understand, what I remember of you, that is my Bucky. When I see you, I see him, I see the man who stood by me when no one else would, who had my back." He opened his eyes to look determinedly at his companion. "When we fight together you do the same thing, you stand by me you fight for and with me. How do you expect me to believe that deep down, you aren't the man I remember?"
Bucky stared at him, his lips parting in surprise, it was true most of his battles with Hydra were fought alone, he had rarely been given the opportunity to work as a team, and yet with Steve it just came so naturally, like instinct.
"Whatever you decide, I will stand by you." Steve continued, his hand squeezing reassuringly against Bucky's shoulder. "But I refuse to believe you are not the man I have always known you to be."
Bucky had no real argument, but the tightness that had been growing in his chest was suddenly gone. That was the first moment he felt like he belonged, filled with the undeniable knowledge that no matter what the future brought their way, Steve would always be there.