A/N 1: Written for Swan Queen Week, Day 2: Fake Relationship.

"We're closing in twenty!" Ruby called, not even glancing at the door. "And we're out of peach pie again, David, so don't you even bother batting those pretty blue—"

Emma Swan dove into the booth across from where Ruby was rolling silverware and fixed her with an imploring stare. "Ruby, you have to help me."

"What'd you do this time?" Ruby said dryly.

"Seriously? You too?" When Ruby only lifted an eyebrow, Emma sighed. "All right, fine, I fucked something else up." She hesitated, knee jumping.

"Spill, hon. What's going on?"

Emma fidgeted. "It's … about Hook."

"Oh," Ruby said in a tone devoid of any enthusiasm whatsoever.

"God, don't start with me. Just—I can't get rid of him, is the thing."

"File that under great life choices," Ruby muttered.

"Ruby, you can say 'I told you so' all you want. After you help me."

She sighed heavily. "Give me some background first. What are we dealing with?"

Emma looked marginally relieved at we. "Okay, so I tried talking to him about how clingy and needy he is. And also, you know, deodorant and changing clothes, but mostly the other stuff. It all just bounced right off him every single time. He doesn't get the concepts of giving me space or taking a break and he keeps insisting we're meant to be or some stupid shit. I say we should break up, he says he's escorting me to that stupid town dance this weekend and he wants to prove his love to me or something, I don't even know."

"Sounds like he doesn't get the concept of no."

Emma buried her face in her hands. "Ruby, I am a grown-ass woman who should be able to clean up my own messes. But I have tried everything. Everything. I don't know what else to do, short of bashing him over the head, tying him to the mast, and then bailing out after setting a course for like. Narnia."

"Might be a good plan, to be honest. Personally, I'd go for tying Hook to an anchor and dropping him off the pier." Emma just sighed again. "All right, hon. You want me to do what, exactly? "

"Pretend we're in a relationship."

"Pretend ... you want me to pretend I'm in a relationship. With you."

"Yes. With me. Make a big scene at the dance. I hate people getting up in my business, but like I said: nothing else has worked. So I need witnesses. I need this to be public. Very public."

Ruby's eyebrows attempted to escape her forehead. "You're serious about this."

"Please, Ruby. No one else will help me."

"No one else?"

Emma's mouth turned down at the corners and her eyes fell. Ruby cocked her head and said after a moment, "I'll do it, of course. Because I love you and because Hook's an ass. But there's clearly someone else you'd want instead of me. Seriously want, judging by your heart rate. You're totally thinking about them right now."

"Dammit, Ruby."

"Hey, wolf senses don't lie. Sorry."

"Ugh, it's not like it even matters. She—the person wouldn't help me anyway."

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah. Trust me. Another victim of my great life choices who'd rather slap me than date me. Fake or real."

"Hey ... sweetie, I'm almost done with my shift, if you want to talk or anything."

Emma's mouth twisted in a poor attempt at a smile. "Don't worry about it, Rubes. It's nothing, like I said. So we'll go to the dance together, okay? And Fridays are on me for the next month."

"You got it, Em," Ruby said encouragingly. "I can't wait to be publicly and obnoxiously affectionate with your hot ass."

Emma snorted. "You're totally gonna take advantage of this, aren't you?"

"Can you blame me?" Ruby winked. "Night, gorgeous."

"Night. And thanks in advance."

She watched Emma trudge away, shoulders slumped under red leather, and turned back to her side work. Two booths down, a familiar dark head swiveled back so quickly the motion caught her eye. Moments later, Regina Mills swept past wearing an utterly inscrutable look.

Ruby's lips pursed in a silent whistle. She had a feeling the charity dance had just gotten one hundred percent more interesting.

Emma eyed the school gym nervously. It was filled with fairytale characters dressed to the nines, all here to support something charitable—Emma didn't really know, although she'd dropped a wad of cash in the thingy by the door. Kids or animals was a safe bet given the length of time her parents had droned on about it. Emma had been surreptitiously texting Henry about the new Mass Effect at the time, which was how she'd found herself roped into attending with only the vaguest memory of agreeing. She envied her son, who was over at a friend's house playing video games for the evening. Definitely a good thing given the scene that was about to occur.

No sign of Hook yet. She'd ducked out of her parents' place early to get ready at Ruby's and ridden here in Ruby's car; so far she'd managed to avoid the pirate. But he needed to be here for the public brush-off.

"He'll be here, Em." Ruby came up behind her and touched her arm reassuringly. "Don't worry too much."

"Trying not to," Emma muttered. She smoothed her hands over her hips. The strapless lavender dress she was wearing fit her like a second skin, showing off her arms and trim waist and flashes of long legs. Dressing up felt odd after she'd gone back to her old uniform of flannel, Henleys, and jeans, like a throwback to happier times in New York, thanks to Regina's gift of memories (and hefty bank account). "Think my parents will survive the shock?"

"They'll be fine. Eventually. They might be a little pissed at first, but don't worry, I'll take care of Snow."

She kept scanning forms and faces. Robin and Marian were right behind them and engaging in some PDA. Fantastic. "I just hope to god someone spiked the punch. This whole thing is either the worst idea I've ever had, or the worst idea I've ever had." Across the room, Regina was staring directly at her. Or the happy couple behind her. Or both. "Oh, shit," Emma choked out. "Definitely the worst idea I've ever had."

"What—oh. Wow, she looks devastatingly gorgeous. Leave some for the rest of us, Mills."

"I should have known she would be here. God, this is great, this is just so great. Tonight's gonna be awesome and not at all horrible!"

"Whoa, hey. It's okay. The more people who see this, the better, right?"

"Yeah, but not in front of ... and I'm all ... and we're going to ... shit, Rubes, I can't go through with this."

"Sweetie, it's going to be fine. If we have to make out for the sake of this whole thing, I have zero problem with that. In fact I am one hundred percent here for that. And it won't be weird afterward, I promise, just a little making out between friends. Try to relax, okay? You look gorgeous and we're going to have a good night."

"You're right. You're the best, Rubes," Emma murmured distractedly.

Ruby threw a look at Regina, who was still smoldering in Emma's general direction. She reached over deliberately and cupped her friend's cheek, letting her thumb brush affectionately across Emma's cheekbone before sliding down to rest on her collarbone. Across the room, Regina's mouth tightened. "I know I am. Come on, let's dance." She took Emma's hand and led her out into the midst of twirling couples. Emma swallowed and let Ruby pull her close. She was trying to look around for Hook, but she kept awkwardly catching Regina's gaze again.

The song ended and the two women were left standing in silence on the dance floor. Just in time for a familiar voice. "Emma! Where've you been, love? I've been looking for you everywhere!"

Emma took a deep breath. "Showtime," she whispered before turning, keeping hold of one of Ruby's hands. "What part of 'I'm breaking up with you' did you not get?" she said clearly.

He smiled indulgently. "Darling, I've told you. Once Killian Jones sets out to win a woman's heart, he's devoted for life."

"Third person, real nice. Not at all douchey," Ruby remarked to no one in particular.

Meanwhile, Emma was scowling at the pirate. "I didn't ask for your undying devotion."

"Regardless, you have it."

"Well, I don't want it. As I keep saying."

People were beginning to stare. Good.

"I've told you every way I know how, but I'm going to say it one last time. We're done. You need to move on, Hook. Because I sure have."

"If that's what you need to tell yourself, I understand." He leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, "You're afraid of your feelings for me."

"I don't love you, Killian. I never did. I have feelings for someone else." Ruby's hand tightened on Emma's, and Emma turned her head to look her friend in the eye. "Someone who's here tonight. Someone I've wanted for a long time, in fact, and who I never, ever thought would love me back..."

"Sorry I'm late." Regina's rich alto seemed to fill the gym. Nearby conversations ceased. There was an audible gulp from Robin, but Emma had no thought to spare as she watched Regina approach. The mayor strode toward them confidently, drawing every eye in a wine-red, full-length designer dress that probably cost more than Emma made in several months. The dress clung to Regina's curves, the plunging neckline revealing ample cleavage. She looked like sex on legs. "Thank you for keeping an eye on her, Miss Lucas."

"No problem," Ruby said smoothly, if a half-second too late to be completely natural, and stepped back. "She does tend to get into trouble on her own."

"We wouldn't want that, would we, darling?" Regina's arm slid around Emma's waist and tightened as she drew Emma toward her. The fabric of her dress was nearly sheer and Emma could feel both her body heat and the swell of breasts (oh my god, those are definitely, definitely breasts) pressing against her arm. "You know what happens when you're bad," Regina purred.

Emma's tiny gasp was drowned by the sound of Hook stepping forward. "You're ... with Regina now?"

"I ..."

"Don't be afraid to tell him, dearest." Regina looked around, playing to the crowd. "Tell all of them the truth about us."

Emma looked into brown eyes sparking at her from less than a foot away. She had no idea why Regina was helping her, especially with a certain reunited couple right nearby. But Hook's gaze was fixed on them and it was now or never. "Yeah. I'm with Regina," she said, and felt the shock of it ripple through their audience. Although she was ostensibly speaking to Hook, she turned her body toward Regina, angling away from the pirate until she could look Regina full in the face. "I'd been waiting for a long time, but I never said anything because Regina didn't feel the same way and because I screwed up her life so badly. Never thought she'd give me a chance."

"Until I did," Regina said quietly.

"Until you did," Emma breathed. One of Regina's hands moved from Emma's back to her hip. The other glided agonizingly slowly up Emma's torso until it reached the notch in the neckline. Fingertips brushed and settled against the skin between her breasts, and Emma's breath hitched at the sensation. She wanted more immediately. She wanted Regina's hands and mouth on her right fucking now, wanted to tear that dress off her and make her scream. Emma could feel heat pooling in her belly and wetness between her legs. She couldn't take her eyes off Regina, and Regina wasn't looking away either. In fact, she was dipping her head forward, blood-red lips parting, and was she—were they—

Regina's tongue slid into her mouth and holy fuck—

"Well," Hook said from somewhere far away. His voice was very small and hurt. "I see."

"Mine," Regina growled, hands possessively kneading Emma's ass. Emma was vaguely aware she should probably say something to Hook to make sure he would go away, or maybe she should push Regina off her because hadn't she just spent a solid week explaining to Hook that she was no one's property? But the differences between Regina and Hook were too great to go into now, and anyway there were far more important things she could be doing at the moment when just the sight of Regina's swollen lips made her swallow hard. Such as pulling Regina flush against her, for example, or biting her lip again until Regina moaned. And if that wasn't the sexiest thing Emma had ever heard—no. It was definitely the sexiest thing Emma had ever heard.

"Do you wanna get out of here?"

"Take me home, Emma," Regina husked.

Every head turned to watch them go. Robin was frowning and Marian looked annoyed at him. Halfway across the room, Snow and David wore nearly identical expressions of horror.

They went to retrieve their coats in silence. Emma held Regina's out for her. The other woman stepped into it and Emma moved forward slightly under the pretense of settling the coat around her, just enough so that she could feel Regina's ass against her groin.

"I didn't drive," she said. Her mouth was dry.

"I did."

In the far corner of the parking lot, Emma cornered Regina against the Benz, one hand planted on the car door behind the other woman. "Regina. You were amazing in there. I don't know why you did it, but you were incredible."

"Of course I was," Regina agreed, drawing her coat more tightly about herself. That did little to alleviate the whole ... cleavage situation. Emma became aware she was staring at Regina's chest and that Regina was smirking at her.

"My deal with Ruby," she started, and had to clear her throat. "My deal with Ruby was—she does this for me and I buy us dinner and drinks every Friday for the next few weeks."

"I find the terms agreeable."

"You're willing to take her place as my fake girlfriend?"

"Clearly, Miss Swan. Do keep up."

Emma looked at her, which wasn't a particularly hard task. "Why?"

"I am far more effective in the role than Miss Lucas. She may be a big, bad wolf, but next to an evil queen ... well."

"You think Hook's more scared of you than her?"

"Oh, this isn't about Hook. Although I certainly am happy to help run him out of town." Her features darkened for a minute at the memory of old wrongs, then cleared. "You should've come to me first, dear. You do so need someone to keep you out of trouble. And punish you when you're bad. In fact, I think tonight would be a good night to start." There was a hint of a whip-crack in her voice. Emma shivered involuntarily.

"Just so we're clear. You want to have sex. As part of our fake relationship."

"Oh, that was always on the table."

"What? Without the—seriously?!"

"Surely even you aren't that dense, Miss Swan. I've been open to the possibility for a long time. It was up to you to give it a chance." The other woman glanced up, fingers still toying with Emma's lapels, and grinned slowly. Emma cocked her head to study that smile. Menacing and teasing and, somehow, full of warmth.

"All right then," she said. "Regina Mills, will you be my fake girlfriend but have sex with me for real?"

"Yes," Regina said immediately. "You'll come to my place for our assignations, though. I will not have your parents walk in while you're blindfolded and I'm plying my riding crop."

Emma felt a delicious shudder rip through her. "Promise never to say 'assignations' again and we have a deal."

"I promise." Regina tugged on her lapels and Emma pressed her against the car, sliding a thigh between the other woman's legs. Regina kissed her possessively, hands sneaking under Emma's coat to cup her breasts, moaning into Emma's mouth.

By the time they'd toured Regina's back seat, bedroom, shower, and bedroom again, Emma was certain of one thing. Their relationship might be not be real, but the sex was earth-shatteringly good.

"Mine," Regina mumbled, burying three fingers deep inside her on the next thrust.

"Yes!" Emma agreed frantically. She'd agree to anything, at this point. She strained at the handcuffs. "Regina, please!"

"Come for me, Emma," Regina said, voice dropping to its lowest register. She crooked her fingers and Emma did as she was told, shuddering and jerking. Regina watched avidly. When Emma's eyes could focus again, she saw Regina licking her fingers lazily.

"Dinner and a show, huh?" Emma panted.

Regina smiled wickedly. "And we're just getting started."

Emma shut her eyes in anticipation. "I fake love you."

"I fake love you too, dear."

A/N 2: Emma's wearing Ellie Saab and Regina's wearing Michael Cinco. Thanks again to Katya for fashion reference and cheerleading.