Decepticon Christmas Carol
Skywarp was dead to begin with. That much was certain. Autopsy was still trying to figure out if he'd died from a massive spark attack brought on from being incredibly drunk on oilnog or the puncture wounds he had sustained after drunkenly flying to the Ark and annoying Grimlock. His death wasn't the thing that irritated Starscream though, it was the fact that Skywarp had been placed in charge of Decepticon energy control, and now Starscream had inherited his position.
He was in the office right now, sneering at the fish passing by the window of the under-sea base. Starscream hated organics, and would have risked decompression to shoot out of the window at the fishes. He messed around with a small squeeze-ball on his desk for a while, pausing when he heard an "Uh, Starscream?" from his door. That dolt Thundercracker had peeked his head around the doorframe, with a confused look on his face.
Starscream sighed. "The frag do you want, Thundercracker? I'm working."
"Well, Starscream, I'm just wondering if you could divert just a small bit of energy to my part of the office? Only it's very dark in here and kinda cold."
Starscream didn't even look at him, instead checking his fingers for dirt. "Now, now, Thundercracker. More energy being wasted on you means less energy being used to conquer the Autobots, and that would be bad, wouldn't it?"
Thundercracker considered this. "Well, yes, but… How come you get light and warmth?"
Starscream rolled his eyes. "That's obvious, isn't it? Who's the Air Commander around here?"
"Well, you are…"
"Exactly, and that's all we'll say on the matter. Now get back to work."
Thundercracker sighed and turned to leave, when an orange blur rushed into the room. Starscream groaned inwardly. Not this fragger, he thought. It was Sunstorm, part of the new generation of Decepticon air warriors and part-time religious zealot. He was carrying a bizarre ring of plant matter.
"Primus bless you Starscream, and you also Thundercracker!" he cried, patting the blue Seeker on the wing. Thundercracker smiled. Starscream grimaced.
"Yes, yes, Primus whatever," he said. "What do you want, Sunstorm? I'm busy." Sunstorm grinned.
"As part of my initiative to absorb other cultures into the Decepticons, I will be holding a Christmas party and you are all invited!"
"Christmas? The frag is Christmas?" exclaimed Starscream, getting increasingly irritated with this infraction on his me time. "Wait… It isn't that human holiday, is it?"
Sunstorm nodded. "Indeed it is, Starscream," he said. "It promotes peace and acceptance of others, which I believe us Decepticons could use a bit more of. Amongst each other, of course. None for the Autobots. At all. Yes."
"Trust me, Sunstorm," growled Starscream. "The only thing I'll be accepting is my rightful place as leader of the Decepticons! That's a no, by the way."
Sunstorm looked downcast for only a moment. "Really, well if that is the case I will still keep a place at the table for our esteemed Air Commander. And you, Thundercracker? You've expressed interest in human customs before."
Thundercracker shook his head softly. "Sorry, Sunstorm. I'm doing a small thing tomorrow with Retro and Timbre." Starscream looked at him.
"What? No you're not. You're working here tomorrow." Thundercracker glanced at Sunstorm and scratched his head.
"Yeah, about that… I was hoping to ask you if I could take tomorrow off."
"Haha, yeah, no. I've already had those losers Runabout and Runamuck asking if I could donate some cash for the less fortunate. We're in an energy crisis, for spark's sake. They should die off already and decrease the surplus population. You're not getting a day off, don't even think about it." Thundercracker stared at him pleadingly. "Oh fine!" Starscream exclaimed, exasperated. "You have a half day tomorrow, you can come in at midday. But if you're even a tad late, you lose your job."
Thundercracker nodded. "Thank you, Starscream. This really means a lot to me and-"
Starscream waved a hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Looks like shift's over anyways. Get out of here before I change my mind."
Starscream walked down the corridor to his hab suite, grumbling. In his self-absorbed cursing of the Decepticons he didn't even notice that the lights were starting to go out, and only blinked when the doors to his hab suite started giggling as he opened it. He muttered "Stupid fragging Thundercracker and stupid fragging humans…" and climbed onto his recharge slab, beginning to slip into recharge. Just as he began to fall unconscious, he heard a moaning voice floating above him.
"Staaaaarrrscreeeaaammm….." it moaned. Starscream's eyes flickered.
"Go the frag to sleep, Skywarp," he muttered. He sat up. "Wait. Skywarp? You're alive?" Sure enough, a ghostly vision of purple was floating above him. It laughed.
"Pffft, no. I'm dead, stupid!" Skywarp shouted, bobbing up and down in the air. "But that's not important right now."
Starscream did a double take. "What? Of course it is. How are you even here right now?"
"Well, I'm a ghost, obviously! Or maybe I'm just a dream. Wooooo, scary. Anyways, the guys upstairs think you need a lesson in humility."
Starscream pointed a finger upwards. "What, the Combaticons? They're on the floor above me."
Skywarp pinched his brow. "What? No. I mean Primus. Anyways, I'm gonna save both myself and the guy writing this a lot of time by cutting to the chase. You're gonna get visited by three, count 'em, three, ghosts, who will do their very best to scare you at least semi-straight."
Starscream shrugged. "One down, two to go. That wasn't hard at all."
Skywarp tilted his head. " What?"
"Well, you said that three ghosts would visit me, and you're the first, so yeah. One down, two to go."
"What? No. I'm like… a preview or something."
Starscream frowned. "Well, you don't make me want to get the whole set, if you know what I mean."
Skywarp rolled his eyes. "Whatever. First guy's up in, what, fifteen minutes? Yeah. Good luck, fragface." With that, Skywarp vanished into a purple mist. Starscream was left sneering in disgust. He grumbled to himself about something being wrong with his audio receptors and fell into a fitful recharge.
Starscream was awoken by a flickering light hovering beside him. He regarded it with bleary eyes, frowned, and turned his back to it. He whirled around when an arm touced his wing, his null-ray cannons drawn. He lowered his weapons when he saw what was standing in front of him.
It was a vaguely familiar-looking femme Decepticon with a slim frame, suggesting a motorcycle alt-mode. She had a fire-pattern paint-job, which was giving off the flickering light. She nodded at Starscream.
"Who the hell?" he whispered. "Hold on, you're that new scout, aren't you? Flamewar, was it?" The femme shook her head.
"No. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, here to show you your transgressions from long before." Huge wings unfolded from her back. Not a motorcycle, then. She offered a hand to Starscream.
" Oh boy, here comes number one," he groaned. "How about I shoot you right here? You don't get to be Air Commander without knowing a few tricks about where to shoot someone."
The spirit shrugged. "Well, I'm intangible, so if you want to blow a hole in your hab suite wall, be my guest."
Starscream tilted his head. "Hold up. How am I supposed to grab your hand if you're intangible? I don't think you thought this one through, lady." The spirit just stared at him. Starscream rolled his optics. "Oh, fine." He grabbed her hand. There was a flicker, and Starscream's optics malfunctioned for a second, restarting to the view of a wide courtyard.
"What? Where am I? I swear if this is some kind of dumb joke…"
He trailed off when he realised where he was. "Hold on… This is the Seeker Academy! Back on Cybertron!" A squadron of fighter jets flew over. "Look! There's my old class! There's Ramjet, Dirge, Thrust, those losers Skywarp and Thundercracker, but where am I…?" He barged past the spirit and through a door, barely noticing that he had walked straight through it. Inside was a darkened classroom, with a red and blue Seeker hunched over a table. Starscream stopped and stared.
The spirit stood beside him. "Yes, it's you. And before you ask, nobody can see us, so don't worry about causing irreparable damage to the time stream or anything." Starscream stayed silent. "You were surprisingly studious, weren't you? Not out there playing with the others."
"Of course not," said Starscream. "No point. Power is everything, knowledge is power, therefore knowledge is everything. I'm not stupid, you know. It was how I got my first posting, you know."
The spirit nodded. "Yes, in the Skystalkers. Let's have a look." There was a flash, and they were now in a mess hall somewhere. An alien sky, red and pink, glowed from the window. There were Decepticons of all sizes inside, though they all had wings. Starscream could see himself talking to a huge, jovial 'con.
"Ha, it's old Dreadwing! That sneaky old fragger. Wait, if this is that party, then…" Starscream's optics searched the room, stopping on a slim femme coloured white and red. "Nacelle."
"Your great love, hmm?" said the spirit.
"If only…" frowned Starscream. "She was nice, and kind, and could kill ten Autobots in ten seconds. But she just didn't understand." The image flickered again, to Starscream standing impassive as a weeping Nacelle shouted at him. "She never understood. If she had stayed with me, I could have given her the galaxy." He groaned. "I've had enough, spirit. Take me home spirit."
"I don't thi-"
"Take me home!" shouted Starscream. There was a flash, and Starscream was back on his recharge slab. He groaned, and fell into a fitful recharge.
In the depths of his recharge cycle, Starscream heard a noise. It was deep, repeating, and joyful. Laughter, then. Starscream woke up, thinking "Here we fraggin' go…" as he swung himself off his recharge slab. The laughing was definitely there, booming out from behind a door which hadn't been there when Starscream had begun recharging.
"AIR COMMANDER STARSCREAM!" the voice boomed impressively. "COME IN AND KNOW ME BETTER MAN, YES!" Starscream rolled his eyes (it was a habit) and opened the door. Inside was a massive throne made of energon cubes, lighting the entire room up purple. Sitting on the throne was a massive blue and purple Decepticon. A luxurious cape made from tiny ringlets of metal draped down from his pointed shoulders. His voice boomed again. "I SAID, COME IN AND- oh, you're here. Hello! I am the Ghost of Christmas Present! Wonderful to meet you, yes!"
"Great, another whacko," said Starscream. "Why do you look like Overlord?"
"Well, I'd say that I draw upon your subconscious and appear as you expect me to. So, I only look like he because you expect it!" The spirit let out another booming laugh. "Anyways, we have work to do! Touch of my robe!"
Starscream looked confused. "Your-your robe? That's, uh, more of a cape there bud-"
"TOUCH OF IT."
"Sweet Primus! Ok, touching, touching…" There was a flash, accompanied by a bizarre warmth, and the two were inside a hab suite sized for a family unit. Starscream looked in surprise at the occupants. It was Thundercracker, his conjunx Retro and their sparkling, Timbre. Retro was pouring some energon into cuboid cups, while talking to Thundercracker.
"How was he at the mess hall today, TC?" she asked, waving some steam from the cups.
Thundercracker kissed the yellow femme on the cheek before setting down a vat of warm engex. "Wonderful, darling. You know, I think we have an outlier on our hands. He says the strangest things. Just today, he said to me, he said 'Sire, I am glad that the other soldiers see a cripple like me, so they can be more thankful of what they have.' He said that, he really did."
Retro dipped her head in sadness. "He's so brave…"
Thundercracker laid a hand on Retro's left wing. "He's stronger every day. We'll get that space bridge access someday soon, and get him the medicine."
"What medicine, sire?" said Timbre, who had walked slowly over his parents. He was clearly using an installed program to move his legs: his steps were jerky and methodical. Thundercracker picked him up.
"Nothing, my boy. Now, sit down with your carrier there." The child did what he was told and climbed into his chair. Starscream turned to the ghost.
"Spirit, does Timbre die?" The mechanical ghost frowned. His plating had started to grey and peel. At length, he spoke.
"I see an empty place at the table, and legs that no longer move at all." He slapped Starscream on the back. "Come. Perhaps a happier scene will cheer you up. There was another flash, like before, and Starscream was in the mess hall. It had been luxuriously decorated with lights, tinsel, and someone had managed to fit a pine tree in. It was Sunstorm's Christmas party, and the hall was filled to the brim. The Combaticons and Constructicons were there, as were the two Battlechargers and some assorted Seekers. Sunstorm was playing twenty questions.
"Is it an animal?" shouted Onslaught.
"No, not an animal." Replied Sunstorm, grinning.
"Mineral, then." said Acid Storm.
"Yes, he's mineral all right," said Sunstorm, still grinning.
"Do we know him?" asked Scrapper, looking up from a broken wrench.
"He makes sure everyone does, and isn't quiet about it!" Sunstorm said.
Vortex started to chuckle. "Heh, I think I know who it is." Sunstorm nodded.
"Do tell."
"It's Starscream, isn't it?" There was a burst of laughter while Starscream sneered.
"Correct, Vortex!" cried Sunstorm, clapping. "You know, I invited him to attend this very gathering. He declined, as I should have expected. Not a bit of joy in him. Imagine him, as leader of the Decepticons!" There were more laughs. Starscream sighed.
"Spirit," he said, keeping his eyes on the floor. "I tire of being ridiculed. I have seen enough. Spirit?" he turned at the ghost, and gasped. The spirit's entire plating had melted off, revealing naught but a flaming endoskeleton. He was laughing and laughing. Starscream cowered in fright, falling onto the floor. The room went dark around him.
Unlike the last changeover, Starscream did not return to his room. Instead, a piece of the darkness got darker, forming a hole in the air in the shape of a robed, hooded figure. Starscream picked himself up off of the ground.
"Would I be correct in saying that I am in the presence of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?" he said, nervous. There was a slight inclination of the shade's head. "Ok, good. I think I've learned my lesson now, so if you could just drop me off back at HQ that would be great-" The shade extended an arm, interrupting him. A single metal finger pointed ahead. Starscream turned around. It was the mess hall again; this time dimly lit, yet still crowded. Swindle was standing on top of a table, commanding the crowd.
"And the next item in this excellent auction is this matching pair of null-ray blasters. One good owner, well-used! The bidding starts at ten shanix!" Immediately there were cries from the crowd. Starscream looked at the spirit.
"Those idiots! Those blasters are worth at least two-fifty shanix starting price! Why are they selling this stuff so cheap?" The room went dark and lightened up again in answer. It was the Decepticon Hall of Remembrance, where the remains of 'cons who had died on Earth were kept. Starscream could see Thundercracker and Retro standing in front of a tiny corpse container. Starscream didn't need to be a mastermind to figure that one out.
"No…" he whispered. "That's not fair." He then noticed larger, but worn down compartment beside Timbre's. After the grieving couple had left, Starscream went over to it. "This isn't fair either, spirit. Why should this guy not be remembered by a single 'con?" The spirit stayed silent. "Who is this guy, anyway?" Starscream wondered, referring to the compartment. There was a low chuckle from the shade. "Spirit? Was that you?" said Starscream, unsettled. "Spirit, who is in this compartment?" The chuckling rose in volume. Frightened now, Starscream bent down and wiped away the dust on the plaque on the compartment. He stood back.
The plaque said "Air Commander Starscream". Starscream fell back in horror as the shade erupted into full-blown laughter. Starscream turned around.
"Wait, I know that laughter. Megatron, is that you?" he said in fear. The shade threw off its robe, revealing a powerful, purple-crowned robot wielding a cannon on his arm. He raised it at Starscream.
"Here's a hint!" he shouted. There was a flash from the cannon, and Starscream knew only darkness.
Starscream opened his eyes. He was on the floor of his hab suite. "I'm… I'm not dead." He said to himself. "I'm not dead! I haven't missed it!" He rushed outside into the corridor, bumping into a Minicon.
"Leader-1! Leader-1" he shouted, a manic grin on his face. "I need you to contact Sunstorm immediately! Tell him I'm coming to his party!" The Minicon commander gave a confused beep and ran off. Starscream converted to jet mode and flew through the corridors, coming to a stop at Thundercracker's hab suite. He composed himself, stifling a laugh, and knocked on the door.
Retro answered it, frowning when she saw who it was. "Oh," she said. "It's you." She turned her head and called behind her. "Luv? Your boss is here to see you." Thundercracker walked up.
"Starscream, you said I could turn up to work late today…" he said slowly, unsure of what was happening.
Starscream gave a stern look. "That will not be necessary, Thundercracker. I have already made my decision to promote you to partner."
"What?" exclaimed Thundercracker.
"You heard me," replied Starscream. "Skywarp's dead, I need a new partner, you kinda look like him. The choice was clear."
"Is this some sort of a joke?" asked Retro.
"Of course not, my dear Retro!" replied Starscream. "I'm giving your handsome hubby a promotion! Really, I swear."
"Sire's getting a promotion?" said a little voice. Timbre walked up to his parents. Starscream picked him up and balanced him on his shoulders. The child giggled.
"That's right, kiddo! Uncle Screamer's making sure your dad's taken care of." Starscream smiled at Thundercracker and Retro. They looked at each other and smiled.
"Alright then," said Retro. "I guess you should join us for lunch later. Thank you. I don't know what brought on this change of heart, but thanks all the same."
"You're welcome." Starscream replied. On his shoulders, Timbre laughed.
"Primus bless us, every one!" he said. Starscream raised a brow and looked at Thundercracker and Retro. Thundercracker shrugged, prompting a laugh from the rest. They went inside, happy.