Amber Eyes

"Leafpool is our mother, and Crowfeather—yes, Crowfeather of WindClan—is our father!" Hollyleaf screamed at the cats assembled at the Gathering.

"What?" my mate Nightcloud hissed behind me. But I ignored her. I was looking at Leafpool, the cat I had learned to love and thought I still did. She looked so miserable; I started to go to her, but then stopped. Why, I realized, should I care about this cat who wouldn't sacrifice her precious clan status to tell me we'd had kits together?

Hurt and anger that I thought I had buried welled up inside me. How dare Hollyleaf humiliate me in front of all the clans! "It's not true!" I yowled. "She's lying!" Turning my head to see Leafpool's reaction, I saw the hurt in her beautiful amber eyes, and something that I remembered from many moons before.

So you haven't forgotten what we shared, Leafpool, just didn't think our love was worth sacrificing for. Is that it?

"It is true, Crowfeather," she meowed. "I'm so sorry – I wanted to tell you, but there was never a right time."

I narrowed my eyes. Never a right time? Did she think I didn't deserve to know that we were going to have a family together?

"You mean nothing to me, Leafpool," I said, my own voice sounding like that of a harsh, cold stranger. "That moon has passed. My loyalty is only to WindClan, and I have no kits other than Breezepelt." At that, I glanced at my mate and kit, only to meet angry, searing glances.

Leafpool dipped her head as if agreeing, but her whole demeanor still looked pained. Part of me was happy that she finally knew the pain that I had felt, but a small part of me wanted to tell her that I hadn't meant what I said, that I still loved her and her, our, kits.

You're sounding like that love-sick cat again! I mentally berated myself, You rejected me, Leafpool. Does your own medicine sting?

At the sound of Leafpool's voice I looked up. Was she continuing to humiliate herself?

"I know that I cannot be ThunderClan's medicine cat any longer," she meowed."I'm so very sorry to you, Firestar, and to all my Clan mates. Please know that I tried my best to do right by all of you, and I regret what I've had done with every single breath." She paused, a catch in her voice,"But I don't regret having my kits. They're fine cats, and I will always be proud of them."

She gave me one last look before vanishing into the brush. As the cats at the Gathering erupted into noise, all I could think of was her. Somehow, the lovesick cat had won over, and he had sent half of his heart away with his love. In the face of this realization, the storm over my senses receded. No matter what I told myself, I have and always will love her.

I am a medicine cat. My job is to soothe hurts and take away pain. But never before, though, had I felt pain like this. My love hates me, my kits hate me, and my Clanmates will never trust me! And now even being a medicine cat is denied me. I looked up at the stars, hoping StarClan would show me some kindness, but those white lights were as bright and as cold as snow as they looked down on me. Had they given up on me as well? I didn't know where I was running but it didn't matter; anywhere was better than here! I could not go back, so I ran forward.

"Leafpool, wait!" a voice sounded behind me. I would know that voice anywhere, but I was in no mood to listen to it now. Why was Crowfeather chasing me? Did he want to hurt me? I kept running, but I was no match for the speed of a WindClan cat.

"Leafpool!" he called, his voice coming closer now. Part of me wanted to slow down - this was Crowfeather, the cat that I loved - why would he hurt me? On the other hand, Crowfeather had publicly denounced me and my kits, and I could no longer trust him. I quickened my feet, but then he was right beside me and I had no choice but to listen to what he had to say.

"Leafpool," he said again. Words spilled from my mouth before my mind could stop them, "I'm sorry, Crowfeather! I would have told you...but I was scared and didn't how to tell you and how you would react. Please, please don't make me feel worse than I'm already feeling; I'm leaving and you'll never see me again, I promise!"

I had cut in front of Leafpool, and now she was saying something. My ears caught the words "sorry" and "scared," but I scarcely gave them a thought. At that moment, all I cared about was Leafpool: Leafpool's amber eyes and beautiful fur, Leafpool's kind and loving nature—so unlike Nightcloud's sharp tongue and anger.

Suddenly, Leafpool's voice broke into my thoughts. "I want to go, Crowfeather. Just leave me alone."

Leaving? I had to stop her.

"Wait!" I said. "I love you!" Leafpool turned around, her amber eyes burning with anger.

"That's not what you said at the Gathering!"

"I had to say that or else my Clan…"

"Of course," she spat, "It's okay to say you love me when we're in a field far away from your Clan and mate." She said 'mate' as if the very word were poison in her mouth."But when you're with them, you tell them you hate me. What did I ever see in you?"

Leafpool stalked away and I let her go. What, I asked, was the point of falling in love if all you got was heartache and pain?

I headed back towards the ThunderClan camp. Where else was I supposed to go? As I slunk into the enclosure, the stone walls looming above like some cage, I looked around for my kits, and saw Jayfeather and Lionblaze huddled together. Where was Hollyleaf? Right now though, I was too tired to look for her. What would I do if I found her, anyway? I couldn't bear to see the hatred in her eyes. Not now.

I looked longingly toward the medicine cat den, knowing the fragrance of the herbs and the warmth of the den would comfort me. I was unworthy of being ThunderClan's medicine cat, I knew, and so I resigned myself to the painful truth that I could never go inside that den except as a patient, rather than a healer. I felt like a part of me was still left inside the medicine den; a part without which I could never be complete.

I walked home to WindClan, Leafpool's words repeating again and again in my ears. I saw Nightcloud standing with Breezepelt and returned their hateful stares. In my mind I played back the Gathering. Were Hollyleaf, Lionblaze, and Jayfeather really my kits? I saw Jayfeather - his pelt was like mine…I shook my head again. Deep inside, I knew the truth. Onestar walked past me, and I saw pity in his eyes. My fur bristled. The last thing I need is pity.

I moved into the Warriors' den, but I knew my clanmates would never see me as a proper warrior. I barely knew how to hunt, my fighting skills were scarcely better than a kit's, and everywhere I looked, I saw cats that would never trust me again. Is this any way to live? All I can do is try to do my best for the clan. StarClan help me.

As I attend my first gathering in moons, my paws move along the log, but my mind is somewhere else. I remember how, in a time long before this, I waited for Leafpool. I remember how she looked into my eyes, and I remember the joy I felt at knowing she loved me. Now I know that, if by some chance she comes to this gathering, the only look in her eyes will be well-deserved contempt. I had hated every minute that my rebellious mind spent thinking of Leafpool, but finally I had realized that more than her choice, it had been my anger that ultimately drove us apart. Maybe I'll find the courage to apologize to her one day. StarClan help me.