Author's Note: This silliness was inspired by a webcomic I read a very long time ago. One character who sometimes acted as a narrator was a young man who'd been given godlike powers. What did he use them for? Nothing really… he spent his time playing computer games naked. Sometimes he cured the common cold and once a wet dream of his increased the bust size of every woman in the city by several inches. ^_^
"I am soooo drunk."
"Yep, you are." The little girl hollow agreed from her place at the bar. There was no one there but a terrified bartender and owner who had refused to abandon his place of business. It was all he had in the world. Even the presence of a bizarre hollow like creature was not going to drive him from it. And the creature in question didn't seem to be violent even if he was drinking and not paying. The owner was willing to take it.
"I wanna 'nother round fer everyone in the house!" The hollow announced, which made his smaller companion sigh. "On me!"
"You're the only one in the house. I mean except for this guy. And you haven't paid him a dime yet." She pointed out as the bartender quickly supplied more alcohol. The big hollow looked momentarily puzzled.
"Oh. Do I have any money?" He asked after a moment and she shook her head.
"No." She said and he licked his lips before attempting to think.
"Zat bad?" He asked and she shrugged a bit.
"It is for this guy." She gestured towards the owner, who tensed slightly. He did not want the hollow to become upset. No, drunk and out of it was infinitely preferable to upset. He'd never actually seen an arrancar before but he could recognize one and this was definitely one of the new breed of hollows.
Then the door opened and the owner closed his eyes. A couple of shinigami had already come by to try to collect the hollow. So far, he'd shown remarkable restraint in his drunken state and just completely ignored them. Weapons had been deflected, kidos had fizzled and surprisingly, his place of business had escaped unscathed. He wasn't sure it could last. Shinigami were pretty bad about destroying buildings when they were hunting hollows. Granted, they usually rebuilt them but still…
"Ah, arrancar-san!" A pleasant voice said and the owner opened his eyes before closing them again. Everyone knew that pink kimono. And the long white hair of his companion was pretty well known too. He wanted to sink behind the bar but he knew it wouldn't do any good. The arrancar turned curiously as the little girl hollow picked her nose.
"Hellooooo~" The arrancar said, his attention suddenly fixed on the white haired man. The bartender blinked. "Want a drink?" He offered with a wide smile and the taichou looked at the bottle of alcohol a bit wide eyed. "Yer pretty." The arrancar slurred and the owner winced.
"Starrk, that's a GUY!" The little girl objected and the bigger hollow looked confused. "Have you drunk yourself blind or something?" She groused as her elder struggled to think.
"She's got long hair." He said, determined to stick with his initial gender identification. The white haired taichou had an 'I don't believe this' look on his face while the other one was starting to smile. The little girl hollow sighed.
"The other one's got long hair TOO, Starrk. I don't see you calling him a girl." She said and the older hollow… Starrk?... squinted at the taichou in pink.
"That'd be a really hairy girl." He said and the man in pink actually laughed.
"Ah, how amusing! But I doubt Aizen sent you here to be a comedy routine. Tell me, arrancar-san. What are you doing here? Aside from getting unbelievably drunk." The taichou said, his eyes ranging over the empty bottles scattered across the floor. There was an amazing number of them. It was the little girl who answered as the older hollow tried to make another overture to his friend, still suffering from a case of gender confusion.
"That is what we're here for and Aizen didn't send us. He's dead." That caught both their attentions and the white haired taichou took a step forward. That was a huge mistake because a drunken Starrk suddenly ended up in his arms.
"Yer really cute even if yer flat." He said then yelped in pain as his smaller companion kicked him squarely in the arse. "Lilinette!"
"Let go of him! He's a guy Starrk! A GUY! Do you even like guys?" She asked as the white haired taichou tried to gently free himself from the drunken man. Starrk let go, wobbling as he stood, his face screwed up in an effort to think. "Okay that's it. BARTENDER! He's cut off! No more booze!"
"WHAT?!" The big arrancar suddenly staggered back to the bar and grabbed his bottle. "Noooo! Lilinette! I'm not done!" He complained as she kicked him. "Ow!"
"You can't even tell a girl from a guy. You are done like dinner." She said and he whimpered something before trying to chug his alcohol. "You can finish that but that's it!" She threatened before turning her attention back to the men in front of her. They were watching with amusement from one and horrified fascination from the other.
"What do you mean, Aizen's dead?" The white haired taichou said and the little girl scratched her head, making an odd echoing sound against her bone helmet.
"Look, why don't we take this from the top? I'm Lilinette Gingerbuck. Mr. Soppy Drunk here is Coyote Starrk. Now, who are you guys?" She asked and they exchanged a glance before asking.
"I'm Kyoraku Shunsui." The guy in pink told her and she nodded as the white haired one spoke.
"I'm Ukitake Juushiro." The white one said with a smile so friendly that Lilinette eyed him suspiciously. "Would you like some candy?" He offered, reaching into his pockets and pulling out something that made her eyes light up.
"Oh yeah!" She hadn't had candy since she was alive. Then she paused as she reached out, suddenly suspicious. "This ain't poisoned or nothin' is it?"
"Of course not!" Juushiro assured her as she eyed him thoughtfully. "I didn't know there would be a child here. No one mentioned you at all." She scoffed a little but took the candy, popping it into her mouth and sucking it thoughtfully.
"S'good. And yeah, I'm not as memorable as Starrk." She looked at her companion, who was still busy with his jar of sake. "This is the first time he's ever had booze. I guess it could be going worse. He hasn't puked yet."
"It's only a matter of time I would say." Kyoraku said with a knowing smile. "But you said something about Aizen being deceased?" He prompted and the little girl nodded.
"Yeah. Starrk killed him." She said, an assertion they both regarded with skepticism.
"Why would one of Aizen's creations turn on him?" Ukitake asked and Lilinette sneered at him.
"We weren't his creations! What, do these look like uniforms to you?" She asked and Shunsui tilted his head as Juushiro frowned. It was true, what the two arrancar were wearing bore no resemblance to uniforms. In fact, they looked like large, furry blankets. Little patches of bare skin and body hair could be seen when Starrk shifted. It was actually slightly indecent, given that he appeared to have no clothing beneath. The same was true of Lilinette. "We broke our own masks back when we separated. We never owed anything to Aizen!"
"I see… so why did you kill him?" Shunsui asked. He didn't really believe any of this. The menace to Soul Society, gone? Replaced with… what? The little girl hollow shrugged.
"We just wanted that stone of his. The one with the pretty voice." She said, which was puzzling. "Hey Starrk! Show them your sword!"
"Huh?" The arrancar mumbled as he tried to reach over the bar for more alcohol. The bartender was a bit unsure what to do, glancing between him and the child hollow. She saw what he was doing and kicked him in the shins.
"STARRK! You're cut off! Now give me your sword, you're too drunk to have it anyhow!" She snapped and he groaned before holding out a hand. A moment of drunken concentration and a weapon appeared in it.
"Wait… it was part of me… too drunk to have myself…?" He asked querulously as the girl seized the sword. "Gonna take my balls too?"
"No! Keep your testicles to yourself. So here's that stone thing." She said as the two taichou watched her warily. "When Starrk touched it, it went into him and turned into this. She says she's a zanpakuto now. Like, a real one. She wanted Starrk so she called him in and he took her before Aizen could stop him. That really pissed him off so there was a really big, knock down battle. We won and decided to go celebrate by going somewhere and not killing people."
"…Not killing people?" Juushiro asked as Shunsui examined the sword. It was strange, to say the least. A dark purple color, it was highlighted with black. He could sense no power in it at all, but that worried him because he had an instinctive feeling that the weapon was composed of nothing BUT power. And, for that matter, he could sense nothing from Starrk and his little friend. Yet shinigami had been turned away from him with no apparent effort.
"YESH!" Starrk suddenly got into the game, bolting upright with a wide smile on his face. His cheeks were quite adorably flushed. "We made a garganta! We WENT PLACES! And people DIDN'T DIE! It'sh amazing!" Lilinette sighed, interpreting for her larger half.
"Until we absorbed the purple rock thing we couldn't control our reiatsu at all. We killed everything we ran into. I bet you two would survive but everyone else here? Pffth, gone." Lilinette waved and the two shinigami exchanged a glance. "Now we can control our power perfectly. And we're a lot stronger, too. I think we're basically some kind of weird god thing now."
"God of sake…" Starrk tried to reach for another bottle before getting a kick. "Ow! Lilinette!"
"Stuff it Starrk! I think I want to get out of here. Hey, can you two take-off or something?" She said and Shunsui sighed before suddenly pulling out his swords.
"I'm afraid you must come with us." He said commandingly as Juushiro followed suit, pulling out his weapons. They both immediately went to shikai as Lilinette scowled. The sword she was holding vanished as Starrk grumbled something indecipherable.
"Oi, ya think so?" She gestured and an invisible force pushed them back. Shunsui summoned the full force of his reiatsu and Juushiro did the same… and it did no good at all.
"Kami." Shunsui grunted as he struggled against that invisible pressure. It was gently forcing them back, herding them out of the bar. It felt like – like he was fighting against Yamamoto's spiritual pressure when he was a new recruit. Except there was no sense of suffocation, no heavy weight. This force was being very gentle to them but it was completely irresistible.
"Maybe reasoning with them…?" Juushiro said, his tone very strained as they were shoved out the door. The two arrancar followed although Lilinette was essentially carrying Starrk.
"I'm tired of this place and you're cut off. Make us a gate to the good place!" She said firmly to her larger half, who was looking around with wide-eyed curiosity. "STARRK! Good place!"
"Good place? Oh! Yeah! The good place! We can go to the good place!" Starrk was suddenly enthusiastic and Shunsui managed to take a step forward as their attention left him. "Ummm… yeah!" Suddenly, a door opened and gentle golden light seemed to spill out of it. Shunsui's eyes went wide as he felt the distinct, familiar power escaping from that portal.
"No, stop!" He didn't know what the two arrancar thought they were doing or how they had created a portal to the Celestial realm, but he didn't think this was a good thing. They ignored him though, stepping into the light. The door vanished behind them, sealing away. "Sweet kami!" He called out a hell butterfly and sent an extremely urgent message to Yamamoto. They needed to get word to the Soul King's court about the intruder into their realm.
It took many days, though, to get any message to the Soul King. By the time it arrived the arrancar were long gone. However, when the Royal Guard searched the grounds they did find a hammock in the orchards, along with plenty of apple cores, some comic books and empty jugs of sake.
The newest 'gods' of the three worlds had come and gone. But eventually, they would be back.