SECRETS OF THE HEART
I felt like writing another story with Tumnus and Lucy, and my boy Terence, so I went for it. It felt a world of good to write this, but man, I'm threatening to make even myself cry.
If this tugs at your heart, then my novel will definitely rip your heart out by the seams. You just wait and see.
Characters (except Terence) © C.S. Lewis and Disney/Walden Media
Terence and Story © unicorn-skydancer08
All rights reserved.
Tumnus was worried. Something was wrong with Terence, and the faun had no idea what it was. Ever since Tumnus and Lucy made their love for each other known to the world, Terence hadn't been himself. Surely, it had been a great shock for the young man to find out his two best friends in Narnia were in love, but Tumnus began to suspect it might be more than that.
Terence's lively smile had all but disappeared, and his once bright, youthful eyes were now dull and hopeless. He never made jokes anymore, and he barely touched his food at meals. He seemed hardly able to look Tumnus in the eye anymore, let alone talk to him anymore. But it was his behavior around Lucy that was the most peculiar. Every time the white-haired boy was near the young queen, he got the most incredibly sad look on his face. He would look as if someone had stabbed him, as if he'd just lost something very precious and he couldn't get it back.
Whenever Lucy spoke to him, he would turn and flee from the room like the place was on fire. He always kept himself a considerable distance from the girl, as if he feared to touch her. He used to be very affectionate toward her, always hugging her tightly whenever greeting her, kissing her tenderly on the forehead (in a purely brotherly manner, of course), playfully tweaking her nose, and toying with her long, silky-soft, red-gold hair. But now, the young man acted as though physical contact with Lucy of any kind was something taboo.
Tumnus didn't understand it, and neither did Lucy. She seemed just as puzzled as he was, if not more.
One day, they both decided to find out for themselves what was going on. So, together, they made their way to Terence's private chambers. The door was closed, as they'd known it would be, and Tumnus ended up being the one to knock. They waited for a minute, but there was no answer. Tumnus knocked again, harder this time, and called out, "Terence?"
When there was still no answer, Lucy gave the door a tap of her own and repeated, "Terence? Terence, we know you're in there. Will you please come out?"
Nothing happened. The door remained closed, and on the other side, there remained total silence.
At length, Tumnus attempted to open the door himself.
To his surprise, it opened easily. Either Terence had forgotten to lock it, or he simply didn't bother. Either way, the door promptly swung inward on its hinges, with only a slight creak.
Tumnus stepped tentatively into the room, with Lucy right behind him. Inside, the place was looking rather untidy.
The bed had clearly not been made that morning, and there were books and papers scattered haphazardly about. A teacup lay on its side on the gleaming table next to the fireplace, and the contents of that cup had not yet been wiped up. Within the grate itself, a fire was slowly dying; all that was left were a few pieces of smoldering wood amid a pile of ashes.
Terence, however, was nowhere to be seen. "Terence?" Tumnus called again, looking all about the room for any sign of his mate.
"Terence?" Lucy echoed.
Where could the boy have gone? He had to be around here somewhere. Lucy and Tumnus decided to separate, and search the entire chamber thoroughly.
While Tumnus went to check the balcony, Lucy headed for the little adjacent library.
When she set foot in the library, she discovered a lone figure slumped at the writing desk at the far corner, by the diamond-patterned window.
It was Terence, all right.
The young man didn't seem aware of Lucy, or of anybody. His elbows were propped up on the edge of the desk, and his head rested in his hands, as if he were thinking, or praying. As his face was currently hidden from view, it was impossible to read his expression, but he looked very sad, and somehow abandoned, as if he had nobody in the world.
Lucy called over her shoulder to Tumnus, "I found him, Tumnus! He's in here!"
Tumnus was at her side in a flash. When he saw Terence himself, he never hesitated to go over to him. Lucy followed. Terence never moved from that spot, nor did he speak or make a sound. He just sat there, hands still over his face, as silent and motionless as stone. "Terence?" said Tumnus softly, as he approached his mate and stood by him.
Terence did not answer. Tumnus touched him gently on the shoulder, and the boy didn't do anything.
"Terence, are you all right?" Lucy asked solicitously when she'd joined her companions. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing," was Terence's muffled response. "It's…nothing."
Of course, neither Tumnus nor Lucy bought that for a second. "Come, now, Terence," Tumnus gently persisted. "We know there's something going on with you, and we want to know what it is." He gave Terence's shoulder a benevolent squeeze. "Come on, old mate, you can tell us. We promise, we won't give it away. It'll be purely between the three of us."
"Of course," said Lucy promptly. "Tumnus and I can keep a secret, Terence. We can keep our mouths shut."
At length, Terence did lower his hands and raise his head, revealing his face at last. The youth's face was ghostly pale, and he had dark half-circles under his eyes, which were red and swollen from excessive weeping. His countenance was one of such unbelievable, devastating sorrow, it made Lucy catch her breath, and made Tumnus's heart trip a beat or two.
"Oh, Terence," Tumnus said in a hushed voice.
"You look dreadful," Lucy added. "What is it? You're not ill, are you?"
"No, I'm not." Terence paused briefly, before adding on, "Not in the way you think, anyway."
Staying close to Terence's side, Tumnus crouched down on his haunches, and reached for one of the boy's hands, which now rested in his lap.
"Please tell us what's wrong," the faun entreated.
Terence hung his head, and sighed dejectedly. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try us," Tumnus challenged him. "We've both got an intelligence quotient higher than a mushroom."
There was a long moment of silence. Terence opened and closed his mouth several times, obviously struggling to conjure the right words, until finally he gave up and blurted miserably, "I can't. I'm sorry…I just can't." Tears were already spilling freely down his face by that time, and he stood up so abruptly that he nearly knocked Tumnus over. With a choked sob, the poor boy made a swift beeline for the door. Tumnus and Lucy called simultaneously for him to stop, to come back, but Terence was already out of there, faster than a deer fleeing a hunt.
"Terence!" said Tumnus, leaping straightaway to his hooves.
By the time he was out of the library himself, he saw that the door to Terence's chambers was flung wide open, and Terence was gone.
Without a pause, Tumnus bolted into a full run after his friend. Lucy could hardly keep up.
Tumnus's hooves made quite a racket on the marble floor as he pursued Terence, and Lucy was obliged to lift up her dress to keep from tripping. Terence, having once been a unicorn, was naturally faster than most men, and he'd gotten a decent head start on his friends, so it was very hard for them to keep up with him, but Tumnus and Lucy kept running anyway.
They trailed Terence all through the castle, all the way out onto the grounds, calling his name the entire time but to no avail.
At one point, the two could go no farther, and they needed to stop and rest for a minute. Lucy leaned wearily against a nearby tree, her hand over her racing heart, while Tumnus rested his weight on another tree and put a hand over his face, waiting for his rapid, shallow breath to slow and deepen again. When they had sufficiently recovered themselves, when their hearts and breaths had calmed and a little more feeling returned to their legs, they proceeded to slowly make their way down the path they were sure Terence had gone down.
Just when they were beginning to fear they'd lost him, there he was, as though by magic. He was half-sitting, half-lying on the ground in the shadow of one of the apple trees. His face was once more concealed by his hands, and he was positively wailing with misery. Tumnus and Lucy could both feel hot tears brewing in their own eyes as they regarded the boy.
Seeing their poor friend like this just about broke their hearts.
Once more, Tumnus was the first to advance on him. Terence never looked up, but went on sobbing like his heart would break, as if it weren't broken already.
As soon as Tumnus reached his mate, he sat down in the grass with him and pulled him gently into his arms. Terence made no resistance, whatsoever. Tumnus said nothing, just held Terence very quietly and let him weep for a time, while he kissed him several times on the crown of his head and silently wept with him. Presently, Lucy joined them. She sat on Terence's other side and gave his shoulder and back what she hoped was a comforting rub. When, in the end, Terence couldn't cry anymore, when he was able to stop shaking so much and breathe somewhat normally, he slowly pushed himself away from Tumnus's chest, straightened his posture a little, and looked up at his friends again, his whole face dripping wet and his eyes very red indeed.
"I'm sorry," he said, in a voice that was little more than a croak. "I'm so sorry." He shook his head woefully. "I'm such a terrible friend."
"Oh, no, Terence," Lucy protested. "You're a very good friend—an absolutely wonderful friend."
"You're the best friend either of us have ever had," said Tumnus.
"Then I'm afraid you've had a very poor sampling."
Despite the seriousness of the situation, neither Lucy nor Tumnus could help smiling a little at how that statement always seemed to be bouncing back and forth between them. Pulling Terence close again, Tumnus kindly assured the boy, "There is nothing you could have done that would no longer make you our friend, Terence."
"It's not something I have done, Tumnus," Terence said, with his forehead against Tumnus's chest. He sounded as though he were being tortured. "It's something I am doing…even now."
"What are you doing?" Lucy asked confusedly, placing her hand against the youth's shoulder once more.
Terence shook his head again. "No," he whispered tremulously, "no, I can't say it."
"Yes, you can," Tumnus countered. "You must. Please, Terence, don't keep any secrets from us. Tell us."
"You'll hate me for it."
"Don't be absurd, mate," chided the faun. "We could never hate you! Never!"
"Whatever it is, it can't be that bad," said Lucy.
Terence didn't seem to think so. "You'd be surprised, Lucy," he murmured.
With one hand, Tumnus reached under his chin and gently but resolutely tilted it upward, forcing the youth to look him in the face. "Once and for all, Terence," he said, "tell us what it is that's got you in a state like this. And, if it will make things any easier for you, nothing you have to say will change the way we feel about you. Absolutely nothing," he added emphatically.
"Do you promise?"
Lucy nodded, and answered, "Yes, we promise."
But Terence didn't seem mollified. "No," he said, "swear it. Swear to me that what I tell you won't change anything between us."
Tumnus sighed, but gave in. "Very well. I swear it."
"As do I," Lucy added, making a sign over her heart for good measure.
Terence closed his eyes for a moment, drawing in a slow, ragged breath, obviously mustering strength. When he could speak again, he was barely able to say, "I love you, Lucy."
"Come again?" said Lucy bewilderedly, knitting her brows.
"I love you," Terence repeated. He spoke the words as if they were literally tearing him apart.
Lucy wasn't sure what he was getting at. Slowly, somewhat awkwardly, she replied, "Well…er…thank you, Terence. I love you, too. You've always been like another brother to me…"
"That's not what I mean," Terence cut her off.
When at last Lucy and Tumnus figured it out, all became dead silent, in that spot of the garden. Almost immediately, Tumnus released his hold on Terence, and Lucy drew back somewhat, looking like she was in shock. Laying a hand over her breast, in a faint, almost inaudible whisper, the girl said to Terence, "You—you love me? You honestly, truly love me?"
Terence nodded bleakly. He looked like he was going to be sick, there and then.
"It's true," the boy confessed. "I swear it, on my very life." As his companions looked on in stunned disbelief, Terence went on disconsolately, "I know it sounds crazy, but I can't help myself. I love you, Lucy, and everything about you. I never told you this, because I was afraid you'd scorn me for it…and because I always sensed you loved Tumnus more. Now that you two have publicly revealed your love for each other, this proves it, beyond a shred of doubt." He choked up as he finished, "It also proves there's no chance of you and I ever being together."
It was too much, and Terence ducked his head and hid his face in one trembling hand to avoid looking at Lucy or Tumnus.
He tensed up, expecting them to berate him, to physically strike him, or to simply go away and leave him.
For a solid minute or so, Lucy and Tumnus were at a loss of what to say, or what to think. Neither of them knew, or could even begin to imagine, that Terence had been harboring something like this. Lucy had always known for a fact that Terence was always there for her, that he cared a great deal about her—but she never thought his feelings for her ran deeper than friendship. As Terence's words began to sink in, the shock began to ebb away, and now it was their turn to feel shame, most especially Lucy. How could they have been so blind?
How could they have been so ignorant of Terence's emotions, all this time?
Had they really been so focused on themselves and each other that they shut Terence out, completely disregarded him and his needs?
Were they truly so selfish and heartless, to treat their dear, sweet friend so poorly?
Terrible guilt flooded the girl and the faun, wringing a surge of tears from them both. Lucy was now the one to reach for Terence, who continued to cower, and pull him into an embrace.
As with Tumnus, Terence didn't turn away, or try to fight her, but merely moaned, "I'm sorry—I'm sorry!"
"Oh, Terence," was all Lucy could say, in a choked voice, as she held him.
"We didn't know," Tumnus said, his own voice thick with emotion. "Oh, mate…" The faun promptly slid in closer himself, and enfolded both Terence and Lucy in his arms.
They stayed like that for a time, Terence weeping ashamedly, his companions weeping with him. At length, Tumnus looked tearfully over Terence's head at Lucy, and said very sorrowfully, "Maybe…maybe you and I shouldn't be together, after all, Lucy. Maybe it would be better for us all if we weren't involved in anything."
Lucy said nothing, though her face looked nothing short of stricken.
Terence, on the other hand, didn't hesitate to rejoin, "No."
The word came out rather loud and sharp, and Tumnus and Lucy stared at the young man incredulously.
Lifting his tear-soaked face once more, Terence protested thickly, "No—I won't let you."
"Terence…?" said Tumnus skeptically.
"I can't take that away from you, mate, or from Lucy. I can't, and I won't."
"But you just said you loved me," Lucy said, as they all loosened their grip on each other and drew back again.
"I do, Lucy." Terence shook his head, and the look on his face was sadder than Tumnus or Lucy ever remembered seeing it look. "But how can I love you, if it costs you your personal happiness? It wouldn't be fair to either of you, to give up your dreams for my sake. I can't be selfish like that. As much as I love you and want you, Lucy, I want you to have what you want." There was a short pause, before Terence added on, so softly that even Tumnus could hardly hear him, with his keen ears, "Even if it doesn't involve me."
Lucy caught her breath at that, and Tumnus was stunned speechless.
They couldn't believe that Terence, in spite of his obvious pain, would think of them before himself. He was placing their needs before his own.
It humbled them to their roots.
"I want you both to be happy," Terence continued. "To rob you of your happiness, to satisfy my own desires, would be unforgivable."
"But what about you, Terence?" Tumnus managed to ask, when he'd regained the use of his tongue. "Where does this leave you?"
"I don't know," the unicorn youth answered dejectedly.
A long moment of silence followed this little discussion. When Terence finally spoke again, he asked, "You do love each other, don't you?"
"Of course," said Lucy softly, as fresh tears brimmed her eyes.
"More than my own life," Tumnus added fervently.
"Then who am I, to stand in your way?"
Tumnus protested, "But it pains us to think of you being left alone, mate. We can't bear to see you like this."
"Do you think I would be able to bear it any less, to see you left alone?" The white-haired boy held the faun's gaze with his own, and Tumnus somehow sensed that, as badly as his friend was hurting now, it would hurt Terence far worse to see his friends deprived of their relationship. Terence would sooner cut his own throat than make his friends miserable.
"Oh, Terence…"
Unable to say more, unable to express his emotions any other way, Tumnus could only reach for him again and engulf him in a tight, tearful embrace. This time, Terence returned the embrace. They held fast to one another for a good while, their tears mingling together, and later Lucy's arms replaced Tumnus's. When Lucy pulled away in the end, Terence said, "Lucy?"
"Yes, Terence?"
"May I ask for a small favor?"
"What?"
Faltering somewhat, Terence asked the girl, "Would…would it be too presumptuous of me, to ask for at least one kiss from you? Just this one time?"
She looked at him, then at Tumnus, who nodded mildly, his teal-colored eyes saying clearly that it was all right with him.
Lucy then turned back to Terence, and whispered, "All right."
So Terence was now the one to gather Lucy into his lean, strong arms, and Lucy allowed him to put his lips on hers. Obligingly, she wound her own arms around the boy's neck and gently kissed him back. Terence tilted his head to the side a bit, and very lightly brushed one hand over Lucy's cheek, all the way through her silken hair.
He closed his eyes, savoring the moment as much as he possibly could. If only this moment could have lasted forever…
But he ultimately had to force himself to stop, before he was tempted to go any further. Lucy was almost sorry when the kiss ended; Terence proved to be a rather good kisser, as tender and sweet as Tumnus. Terence looked very sad indeed as he slowly released her, but also satisfied, even relieved. Now, he decided, he could truly let Lucy go.
"Thank you," was all he said to the girl, and he meant it from the bottom of his heart.
Lucy said nothing, but she touched his face briefly with her hand, and Tumnus helped his mate to his feet.
Terence's countenance grew troubled as he asked, "You're sure this changes nothing between us?"
"Absolutely not," Tumnus reassured him. "You're still my brother, Terence." The faun added softly, "I only hope I am still yours."
Now Terence smiled, for the first time in ages, a bit of that old spark illuminating his eyes. "Of course, you are, mate." To Lucy, he added, "And you and I can still be friends, can't we, Lucy?"
Lucy nodded, and answered benevolently, "It's a deal."