Between Hope And Disappointment
"The Chidori is a basic Jutsu for lighting style." Fugaku´s deep voice echoed through the room. "This is nothing to be proud of Sasuke. Remember, Itachi was capable of performing countless Ninjutsu of much higher standarts as the chidori, when he was years younger than you. This is only the second ninjutsu you mastered."
Sasuke looked down on his knees, while he clenched his fists tightly. How much he wished to disappear somewhere else, as his father´s scolding reached his ears. He needed his complete willpower not to shed a single tear. He holded his head low, because his father shouldn´t notice how much every word hurt.
"You need to focus on your training in order to overcome your lack in skill and personality, but you aren´t even capable to progress in your training seriously." Fugaku shook his head. "Really everything with you is a disappointment. My time is rare and you told me you mastered something special and then you show me this? Is this a joke for you? Your brother was an Anbu at your age and you think seriously that something like that can impress me?!"
"I´ve thought..."
"You haven´t thought!" His father interrupted harshly and Sasuke bit his lip. "That you expect me honestly to acknowledge something like that? How many times do I´ve to tell you that I expect you to focus on your training properly? You´ll never be able to measure with your brother if you keep up with such attitude."
The boy looked up and tried his best to hide the fact that he was on the edge of crying. "I do take my training properly. Really Father, I´m working everyday..."
"If this were the case, than you should made any process by now!" Fugaku interrupted again, this time a lot harsher than before. "That you still want to make excuses, only shows your inability to appreciate your own level!"
"But..."
"What are you doing all the day? Fooling around?" The clanleader narrowed his dark eyes and glared at his son. "Mastering the Chidori is nothing. Nothing compared to the skills of your older brother. You should be ashamed to boast with something like that."
Sasuke hung his head lower than before. His father´s reprimand hit him hard. He hadn´t expected this reaction. And the last thing he wanted was to disappoint his father. It was his greatest wish to earn his acknowledgement but every try was for the vain. However this time he had mastered the Chidori and he had worked so hard on that Jutsu. He was really proud of himself, because the chidori was a dangerous Jutsu. Plus he had mastered his second chakranature. And after all this hard work, he had really thought that his father would finally acknowledge him as his son. That was why he was really shocked. He hadn´t expected this reaction.
His only intentions were to show his father that he was worthy to be his son. He longed his entire life for his father´s attention. But every time he ended up disappointed. It doesn´t matter what he did or how much he tried, Fugaku would never be pleased with him. This man left never a good word on him and slowly he began to doubt that this will ever change.
"If you want to improve your skills to an acceptable level, than you should focus on your training!" And after that his father left the room without looking at his son.
The Uchiha boy felt humiliated. Like always when he spoke with the man.
He blinked his tears away as he stood up. Crying wouldn´t bring him nowhere and tears were a symbol for weakness. And Sasuke didn´t want to be weak. He want to be strong, strong enough for his father to finally acknowledge him. To call him his son.
He would do anything to hear this words for one time. But he couldn´t hardly believe that this would happen someday. Maybe it was because Fugaku doesn´t love him. Sasuke had asked himself these question his whole life. He didn´t knew if he meant anything to his father, but what he knew for sure, Fugaku loved his older brother a lot more.
Itachi was everything what Sasuke couldn´t be. He was strong, smart and it seems his brother was good in everything. While Sasuke needed to work hard on himself. He needed to learn more and to spend a lot time on the trainingsfield. His hard work had earned him the title "rookie of the year" as he gratuated the academy. He was ways above all his classmates and everyone told him that he could be proud of himself. Everyone expect for his father.
He could understand that the man expected a lot from him. Fugaku was the leader of the Uchiha clan and he was the captain from the policeforce. But now he had mastered a really difficult Jutsu and he had hoped to much to earn his father´s approval this time.
But he got scolded again. He got disappointed again.
While Itachi would always got praised by their father. Itachi would always made their father proud.
Sasuke was twelve now and had finished the academy some months ago. Itachi was an Anbu when at Sasuke´s age.
He had needed five years to finish the academy. Itachi had gratuated after one year.
Itachi was a chunin with nine years old. Itachi was a Jonin at age eleven, in the same year his brother entered in Anbu.
What was Sasuke compared to his brother?
The ravenhaired boy couldn´t help, but he hated his brother sometimes for this. Why was Itachi born, with so many gifts and Sasuke got nothing compared to him? This wasn´t fair but life was hardly fair.
And because he had learned this lesson very quick, Sasuke had decided to do his best and get strong on his own hard work. But no matter how much he improved or how much he worked he was always a loser compared to Itachi.
The feeling to fail in everything made him so angry. He wanted to overcome all his weakness but on the other hand, he had to admit that he couldn´t stand Itachi´s level. His brother was ways better than him, in anything. And if he was honest with himself, he couldn´t deny how much he envied him.
Even if Itachi gave him never a reason to despite him, the opposite was the case, because his brother treated him always friendly and Sasuke knew that he loved him. But on the other side, Itachi was hardly around him because he was always busy and so he didn´t spent alot time with Sasuke. For the boy was this not easy to handle, because he knew he could learn a lot from his brother. But Itachi made always poor excuses or promises he would break later and so Sasuke gave up to ask for his help.
The feeling to be a burden for his brother too, pained him and let the hate grow inside him. Sasuke was always alone, since his mother died three years ago. When she was still around everything was better and he wished that she could be still alive. Even his father got a lot colder after her death, even if he was never a really affectionate person.
His mother fell ill three years ago and she died already six months later. He was nine at that time and it was hard for him, because his mother meant everything to him. He was never the favourite of his father and the man hadn´t bother to spend time with him as he was little, but after his mother´s death it got a lot worser.
As she died, his brother had done his best to comfort him and to help him to handle the new situation. But soon Itachi had gone back to duty and so he was left by himself. His father was always at work and even if he was at home, he didn´t bother to comfort Sasuke. All what he got was reprimands, nothing more. And looks full of disappointment. While Fugaku´s look was full with affection and pride everytime he looked at Itachi.
The more the boy thought about all this, he came to the conclusion that his father didn´t love him. What should he think? His entire life he hadn´t acknowledged him.
His mother had left him behind. His brother had never time for him. His father compared him only to Itachi and when he couldn´t fullfill this stanards he was wothless in Fugaku´s eyes. And he knew the entire clan thought so. Itachi was the wonderchild, the genius, while he was only the second born with no talent and skills. No wonder everyone admired Itachi.
As a child , Itachi had been his role model but now he didn´t care about something like that anymore. He only wanted to surpass his brother and for that he needed power. Power he didn´t possess. Sasuke wanted to believe that power was the solution for all his problems. That everything would be fine, if he only could prove his father that he could measure with Itachi. And because of Fugaku´s harsh behaviour towards his youngest son, Sasuke saw his brother more and more as an rival.
The Genin intentions weren´t bad. It was the solitude he couldn´t bear. Since his mother left him, he was always alone. There was no family any longer. No dinners together on the evening, no one whom Sasuke could talk to. Nobody whom he could show how he really felt.
If he could earn his fathers acknowledge, then he wouldn´t be alone anymore. He wanted to make Fugaku proud and then everything would get better. That was what Sasuke told himself, but maybe this were only wishdreams.
When he calmed down a little, after his father´s painfull words, Sasuke decided it would be the best to go out and train. He couldn´t get better when he slacked off in training and so he went to his room, grabbed his weapons and left the Uchiha district.
Training would distract him a little. Even if he knew he wouldn´t be able to forget his father´s words. But in the end he shouldn´t be too surprised, he should get used to that by now. It was nothing new. Only that Sasuke had worked so hard on the chidori and that he was happy to master it. But Fugaku had other expections and the boy wasn´t sure if he was able to stand this high standards.
I don´t give up! Sasuke thought. I´ll work harder on myself and someday, I´ll surpass Itachi!
He told himself this over and over again, until he began to feel a bit better.
On the trainingsfield he worked mostly with his chidori. His sensei had told him, that he had mastered it very quickly but after his father´s speech, he couldn´t be proud of this anymore.
Nevertheless, he was glad that he mastered this jutsu. Like his father said before, it was a basic Jutsu for lighting style and maybe he could work out an even more powerful jutsu.
Sasuke smirked. He liked the thought. When he would master an even more powerful Jutsu, as the chidori, a jutsu he had created by himself, than maybe he could impress his father.
I´ll master a greater Jutsu and than father will finally acknowledge me! This thought motivated Sasuke so much, that he was determined to continue.
That, if he pushed himself too much and that power wouldn´t solve anything, didn´t realize the boy. Even if he was a genin, he was still a child, who longed desperatly for his father´s attention and love. Every child needed the love of a family and after his mothers death, Sasuke needed his father more than anyone else. But Fugaku was never around and if this wasn´t bad enough, he humilitated Sasuke everytime the boy thought he had done something good.
And because Sasuke couldn´t understand why his father couldn´t love him, the boy tried his best to impress him. He was sure, that if he would learn something that Itachi couldn´t, his Father would finally acknowledge him as his son.
Of course Sasuke doubted this theory sometimes but he needed this hope to bear all the pain around him. And this goal helped him to bear all the disappointment he got at home.
Sasuke shoved all the thoughts to the side, as he concentrated on his training.
"You´ve to focus." His father had told him and he was right.
The raven haired boy closed his eyes as he concentrated his chakra and the lightening began to spread. Sometimes it hurt his muscles and his Sensei had warned him not to overdo this Jutsu. But too obsessed with the thought of power, he ignored this warnings. This wasn´t the first time and wouldn´t be the last time.
It was dark when he arrived back home. He was sore and dirty and his body protested against every movement he made. His left arm hurt terrible and Sasuke wasn´t sure how he should survive tomorrows training with his team. He overdid it. Again.
He was alone at home. He asumed that his father was still on the policestation and Itachi had some work to do. He wasn´t hungry and so he went straight to the bathroom. He hoped a hot bath would gave him some relieve. But after he sat almost an hour in the hot water, the pain didn´t vanish and so he came out.
After he put on his pyjama, he went straight to his bedroom. Sleep would help to block the pain out, but the muscles in his left arm were throbbing this much, that it was impossible to sleep.
Sasuke whimmered quietly as the throbbing got more and more painful. He sat up and pulled his knees agains his chest.
"Damn..." He muttered between his breath.
Suddenly gentle hands grabbed at his pained arm. Sasuke shrugged and looked up, directly at the smiling face of his older brother. Itachi still wore his Anbu uniform. And Sasuke wondered why he hadn´t noticed how he had entered his room. Maybe he was too consumed by the pain.
"Why did you overdo it again?" Itachi asked softly, while he began to accumulate Sasuke´s arm.
The younger brother said nothing and looked down, embarrassed, that his brother found him in such a vulnerable situation. But he couldn´t deny that the muscles in his arm began to relax.
"You´re really stupid, you know that?" Itachi spoke again. "What will you attain when you overdo it like that, hm?"
Sasuke looked down. Somehow Itachi reminded him in this moment on their mother. She was never happy, when he overdid it in training and scolded him everytime for risking his health. He missed her.
"I see. You don´t want to talk with me." He heard Itachi say. "But I hope this will be a lesson for you to be more careful next time."
The pain in his arm slowly vanished, until he could only feel a light throbbing. He didn´t knew, how his brother had known that he was in pain but the boy was grateful that Itachi was here now. In moments like this, Sasuke felt ashamed that he sometimes hated Itachi. His brother cared for him, he knew that but that didn´t changed the fact that Sasuke was jealous of him.
"Do you feel better now?"
Sasuke nodded. "Where did you learn that?" He asked, wondering if there were still things which Itachi couldn´t do.
Itachi chuckled softly. "Stupid little brother. On a mission it happened often that you´re forced to overuse your chakra and especially when you use lightening style you can get strong cricks. So every Shinobi needs a basic knowledge in such things."
"But..."
"Don´t worry. I´m sure Kakashi will teach you something like that too." His brother smiled at Sasuke. "If you feel better now, you should try to sleep. You´ve a hard training day tomorrow, after all."
"I´m looking forward to it." Sasuke replied in a cheeky tone, in order to overplay the tense feeling he felt in his brother´s presence.
Itachi pocked him against his forehead, ( something he did since Sasuke was born), the younger Uchiha asumed, because he couldn´t remember a time where Itachi didn´t do that to him.
"Itachi!" Sasuke protested and rubbed his forehead with his right hand. The days where he had called his brother Nisan, were long over because Sasuke found himself too old for that. And he wanted to be an equal to his brother, and not the stupid little brother.
The older brother laughed a little, and ruffled his hair before he stood up. ""Good night Sasuke." He said and went to the door.
"Itachi!" Sasuke called, because he knew he should needed to tell Itachi something. "Thank you."
"You´re welcome." He answered and left his room without turning around.
Sasuke sighed and laid down on his bed. He was really grateful that his brother came. His arm felt still a little numb and he could feel a little throbbing nevertheless. But this was nothing compared to the pain he felt before.
The young Uchiha was amazed how skilled his brother was- it seems Itachi was really good in everything. He should ask his sensei if he could teach him such things too. Since he used lightening jutsu alot now, it wouldn´t be bad to be capable to help himself in such situations.
Itachi still cared for him. Sasuke knew that and somehow it was a good feeling that there was someone who would be there for him. Even if his brother hadn´t often time for him, he knew whenever Sasuke was in trouble and would do his best to help him.
Maybe he was a bit unfair against his older brother. It wasn´t Itachi´s fault, that Fugaku loved him more as Sasuke. He shouldn´t hold any grudge against him.
Sasuke needed a long time until he fell finally asleep. Too much thoughts wandered through his head but sometime he couldn´t stay awake any longer and fell into a deep sleep.
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(I came up with the idea to this story because of the actual filler episodes from Naruto. I´m not enjoying this fillers very much, but I found the idea really interesting what would be, when the Uchiha were still alive and Minato would be still the fourth Hokage. I want to handle this story mostly about Sasuke´s realationship with his father, brother and team.)
English isn´t my language, so I know there will be some faults.
Please let me know what you think and review! :)