Author's note: This fic is dedicated to Harumaki. Thank you so much for being such a wonderful and loyal reviewer over the years! Stylistically, I guess this is similar to my earlier Minamimoto fic. Sorry I couldn't make it longer, but I think with humour fics, you can't overstay your welcome. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!
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Shiki noticed it first.
"Haven't you noticed," she said to Rhyme, "that Neku has been, er, different lately?"
"How so?" asked Rhyme.
"Well, you see, he's, like, world-hating. I mean, he sort of just sits there and glowers when you speak to him and he never has anything happy to say. We were on the train, right, and he wouldn't say anything except for how annoying the guy who kept sneezing was. 'Hasn't the guy heard of Kleenix?' he said to me. Ugh!"
"Oh," said Rhyme. She didn't want to say that actually sounded quite a lot like Neku.
"What's worse," Shiki went on, dropping her tone to a confiding whisper, "is that he's got those awful earphones back!"
"Oh dear," said Rhyme.
"It's a crime against nature!" Shiki insisted, which Rhyme took to mean it was a crime against fashion, which to Shiki meant the same thing. "I mean, come on!" Shiki said loudly. "Who'd want to wear something so… clunky all the time?"
Rhyme nodded sympathetically.
"I bet he doesn't even listen to music with them!" Shiki's rant had reached full stride. "They're so retro I bet he just wears them because he thinks the handy, portable headphones are too mainstream!"
Rhyme nodded again.
Shiki crossed her arms and pursed her lips. "But don't you see, Rhyme, Neku's meant to have changed. He's supposed to be nice now! I mean, what did we live through the Reaper Games for? The world ends with you, my foot!"
"Maybe," Rhyme said tentatively, "he's going through a relapse."
Shiki stared at Rhyme in horror.
"Well, it makes sense, doesn't it?" Rhyme said sheepishly. She didn't know Neku quite as well as Shiki did, but the two of them did share the same concern for their mutual friend. "He changed a lot in three weeks, but old habits die hard, you know?"
"You're right, Rhyme… What do we do?"
"Well…" Rhyme considered that for a moment. She brightened. "We should do what all friends do! Make him laugh!"
Shiki blinked.
So did Rhyme.
They heard crickets in Shibuya.
"Something easier, maybe?" Rhyme said finally with a nervous laugh. "We shouldn't bite off more than we can chew…"
"Well, if we can just get him smiling," Shiki said, "that's a good start."
Rhyme smiled.
"Okay, let's do this!" Shiki declared.
It was hard going from the first.
Their first try was with jokes. Shiki performed a quick Google search of Yo Mama jokes and printed out a list of them. Then she and Rhyme ambushed Neku while he was on the way home from school and assailed him with jokes, one after another.
"Yo Mama's so fat her BMI is measured in acres!"
"Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!"
"Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!"
"Yo mama's so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!"
Neku's response was to stare at the two of them. Finally, he said, "In case you haven't noticed, we are all bordering on the anorexic in this universe, my mother included."
Shiki was not yet defeated. "Hey, what about Higashizawa?"
"He's your mother," said Neku.
Their next tactic was to bring Beat into their conspiracy. "But shhhh!" Rhyme told him. "You can't let on what we're trying to do to Neku, okay?"
"Sure thing!" Beat declared. "You leave it to me, yo!"
He promptly approached Neku and not-so-subtly tapped the teen on the shoulder in order to gain his attention.
"Laugh, Phones!" Beat ordered him. "Or I'll smash your face in!"
"Ha ha ha ha," Neku intoned humourlessly. "Now will you let go?"
"Sure!" said Beat.
At length, he returned to his sister and Shiki, as proud as a boy could be. "You saw what I did, yo! There ain't nothin' like the straight and beaten track!"
Rhyme and Shiki mentally face-palmed.
After that, they tried all manner of things. They took Neku to see standup comedians, they forced him to watch comedy shows on television; they even took him to the Tin Pin Slam-off in Molco.
"Come on," Shiki reasoned. "Tin Pin's unintentional comedy factor has to make him laugh."
It didn't. Neku watched with a boorish expression on his face even as Shooter danced around him excitedly and pumped his fist in the air.
"You're back, bro!" Shooter said excitedly. "I was missing you, man! You're like the fridge to my house! The purple-ish green to my orange! The Flame-Eyes Thunderdrake Kaiser to my shio ramen!"
"Uh huh," said Neku.
"Let's slam, buddy!"
"I'll pass, thanks."
"Awww, what? I thought you loved me!"
"You keep on telling yourself that."
"Okay, I will, thanks buddy!"
Neku's eye twitched.
Eventually, it came to a stage where Neku's friends realised that if their ultimate, finishing move did not pay off, their attempts at comedy would never come to fruition. It was, quite literally, now or never. It took some convincing, but eventually, Beat complied with their plan because of his leftover guilt over what happened to Rhyme during the Reaper Game.
They approached Neku with everything in their immaculate plan in place. They actually got a genuine reaction from him this time.
His jaw physically dropped and he backed away several paces. "What the hell is this?" he demanded.
"Exactly what you think it is," said Shiki.
Beat adjusted the skirt of his sailor outfit and scowled. His face was the shade of a beetroot.
"My eyes want their virginity back," said Neku.
"This ain't workin', yo!" Beat whined. "What's gotchu into a funk, Phones?"
"Aren't you guys the ones acting strange?"
Shiki huffed. "We're doing it because we care about you, idiot!"
"Is that so?" said Neku thoughtfully.
"Well, yeah!" Shiki insisted. She stomped on the ground before turning to Rhyme and Beat. "Right, guys?"
Rhyme and Beat nodded in agreement. Beat was far less eager than Rhyme.
"Well, thanks," said Neku. "If that's the case, then can you leave me alone for a bit? I have a headache."
"Unkind," said Rhyme.
"Meanie," said Shiki.
"Asshole," said Beat.
"Yeah, yeah," said Neku. "I get it."
The next day, Neku was walking through Miyashita Park alone, pondering the possible cause of his migraine. It had started a few days earlier and had not abated an inch since then. Whatever the cause of it, it was severe enough to make even the most agreeable person a grumpy bear. He had been wearing his headphones again in a vain attempt to block out the worst of the headache. It didn't really work.
He heard giggling behind him.
"Tee hee! I thought you would have figured it out by now, Neku dear!"
Neku swung around. "Joshua! Is that you?"
But there was no one there. No one except the regular Shibuya goers, anyway.
"My frequency isn't tuned with this universe, but you can feel it anyway," said Joshua's disembodied voice. "You're still rather strong, aren't you?"
"Show yourself!" Neku demanded irately.
"Oh, poo!" responded Joshua's voice with a sigh. "I was following you around so I could work out the best gift to give you on your birthday. I thought I had a neat gift worked out, too, but I guess this just ruins the surprise!"
"Wait, what?"
"I am your favourite partner, aren't I, Neku dear?"
"I'm not going to even bother answering that…"
"I take that as a yes. Happy birthday, Neku! Look to your right!"
With that, Neku's headache vanished. He blinked and gazed around himself as if he was seeing Shibuya for the first time yet again. Then he glanced to his right.
"Oh, screw you, Joshua!" he exclaimed.
Lying folded neatly on the park bench beside him was a pair of pink mittens.
Weary, bedraggled, Neku eventually returned to his own house. He was carrying the mittens in his arms because if he had to be honest with himself, sure, Joshua was the Composer and a traitor and everything, but he was still Neku's partner. Neku was surprised he remembered his birthday, because since the advent of the migraine, Neku himself had forgotten all about it.
He walked inside his house and was greeted by yet another distraction. The sound of party blowers.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NEKU!"
Neku was bewildered. His friends were standing before him, all grinning at him with unconcealed glee.
"I thought you guys were mad at me," Neku muttered.
"We're friends, Neku!" Shiki told him, giggling. "Friends can't stay mad at each other forever!"
"Oh." And then Neku smiled. "Thanks!"
"Looks like his relapse is over!" Rhyme said excitedly. "Hooray!"
"Hooray!" Shiki joined in, and threw her arms in the air.
Awkwardly, Beat looked up at the ceiling as he spoke. "Glad you's back, yo."
Neku was about to remark that this actually made him pretty happy when suddenly Shiki broke in: "Group hug, guys!"
"Wait. What." Neku spoke flatly.
But it was too late. His friends were all over him. Neku squirmed, feeling at the same time like he was the most comfortable and the most uncomfortable teenage boy in the planet.
What was worse, the headache was back, too.
Fin