Fun Lies
To Tell The New Generation
About Hogwarts
1) Before they Sort you, they give you a test first to make sure you're magic enough. If you can't win the duel, they put you back on the train home.
2) If you don't cheer loud enough at the Sorting Hat's song, it won't Sort you and you'll be a reject all year.
3) If you wish hard enough, and you're worthy, the Sorting Hat will Sort you into the secret fifth house.
4)If you don't like the House you've been sorted into, you can pick your own one if you swim across the Lake blindfolded.
5) At the end of every year, one of the first-years from the House with the least points gets sacrificed.
6) The portraits all lie – don't believe a word any of them say.
7) If one of the portraits won't let you through using the password you have, they're almost always just being awkward; try saying it backwards.
8) If in doubt when casting a Potion, adding powdered griffin claw will automatically fix any problem.
-8.b) If it doesn't, you clearly added too much.
-8.c) Or not enough.
9) If you leave offerings for the Bowtruckles at midnight every night for a month, you'll be able to take one as a pet.
10) If you don't salute the painting of the smoking wizard in the purple robes on the sixth floor every morning, the Bloody Baron will haunt you.
11) Mrs Norris isn't a cat – every year Filch Transfigures his least favourite pupil into the form of his old cat and they stay that way all year.
12) Every time you don't eat all of your dinner there, one of the house-elves is killed.
13) There are hidden doorways in the corridors, just like Platform 9 ¾. All you have to do to find them is run at the wall between portraits really hard.
-13.b) If it doesn't work, you're clearly not believing it enough.
-13.c) If it still doesn't work, you're clearly not running fast enough.
14) Saying "Voldemort" five times into a mirror will bring him back from the dead to kill you.
15) Professor McGonagall is really a man – check for stubble.
16) If one of the ghosts talks to you, ignore them – they can't see you and they're talking to another ghost, one you can't see.
17) If you're a Gryffindor, the correct form of greeting a Slytherin is to cast a Tickling Charm on them – it's tradition.
18) Filch might seem a grumpy bugger, but if you throw a snowball at him on Christmas Eve he'll always happily join you for a snowball fight.
19) Professor McGonagall isn't an Animagus – she's a particularly powerful cat who can take human form during the day, but her weakness is tuna. Leave a bowl of it outside her office and watch what happens.
20) If you don't do all your homework on time you get locked inside one of the gargoyles for two nights as punishment.
21) Hagrid is really a yeti that's learned to speak English – if you want to hear him speak Yeti, pull his beard and listen to the noise he makes.
22) If you stand too near to the lake in winter, the squid will pull you in.
23) Professor Binns isn't a ghost – he's a hologram. Try bewitching paper pellets to fly at him – they'll distort the image and he'll carry on speaking regardless.
24) Every new witch is expected to have grown a wart by the end of the first term.
25) When you're not there, the castle is turned bouncy and rented out for parties.
26) The Venomous Tentacula is only playing – it won't really bite you if you put your hand near it quick enough.
27) The reason they won't let you into the Forbidden Forest is because that's where all the really exciting magical experiments are done. That's why you'll occasionally hear weird noises coming from there.
28) Every time you walk past the statue of the witch picking her nose on the second floor, it's considered bad luck if you don't sing a show-tune of some description.
- 28.b) It's usually best to pick a Muggle one, for some reason.
- 28.c) My Fair Lady seems to bring the best luck.
29) If you don't feed the owls a dead mouse at every breakfast they won't give you your post.
30) The best way to deal with a Howler from home is to ignore it completely – it'll run out of steam if it's not opened and deactivate itself.
31) If you want to see a Thestral the only way to do it is by running naked through the snow on Christmas Eve. After that, you'll be able to see them.
32) You don't need to use your wand for magic – any old stick will do.
- 32.b) In fact, anything long and pointy will do.
33) Similarly, the wand movements themselves don't count as much as the general enthusiasm does. Forget 'swish and flick' – a good old 'prod and poke' works just as well.
34) If in doubt about a spell, saying a little rhyme will work just as well if you've forgotten the proper incantation.
-34.b) Make sure you include one or more of the following key words; abra, kadabra, alakazam, jiggery, and pokery, or the magic won't work.
35) All true masters of magic have a glamorous assistant, usually one covered in sequins and feathers. Make sure you get your own early on or you won't be taken seriously.
-35.b.) Sticking sequins to your owl won't be enough. You need to have a human assistant.
36) Since the last war, you have to prove your identity before you're allowed to go anywhere in the castle. The preferred method is to charm a big neon sign to flash above your head that says your name.
37) If, in Potions, you can't find your cauldron, a bucket will do just as well.
38) Don't worry if you lose or damage your robes – just wear your dressing gown and no one will notice the difference.
39) If you slip the teachers a Cauldron Cake at the start of every lesson you'll never be given homework.
-39.b) If you end up in detention as a result of this, you obviously got the wink wrong.
-39.c) Or you're just a terrible cook.
40) If you want to ride a Centaur, you have to present them with a bridle made of plaited unicorn hair first. That's the only way to show them respect.
-40.b) If they trample you it's because you did it wrong or the plaiting was sub par.
41) If it's forbidden, it's because it's doubly fun. Don't be afraid of it.
42) The brooms don't actually fly; the ground is bewitched to move around underneath you when you're riding one. Watch it and see.
43) The Quaffle is really a de-prickled hedgehog that's been put into an enchanted sleep, and at full moon it grants wishes.
44) Don't go outside the castle at full moon – that's when the werewolves will get you.
45) Don't touch any mirror with your right hand – that's how the vampires can get to you.
46) Don't make eye contact with any student from any of the years above you and never turn your back on them – it's an old wizarding tradition from the time the school was founded. If need be, walk out of rooms backwards so as not to offend the older students.
47) The ghosts are always watching you….always….
48) If you're in need of some advice, the best person to pour out your woes to is the charming ghost who lives in a bathroom on the second floor; she always loves to help students find the answers to their problems, no matter how trivial they might seem to you…
49) The floating candles in the castle aren't really enchanted. Check for strings.
50) The whole 'magic exists' thing is really one elaborate, nation-wide hoax. Search for proof at every possible opportunity.
Author's Note:
I know, I know, yet another list fic. I can't help it; I love writing them too much! This one is less character-based, it's more something I thought of and then basically had to write down. It's very, very loosely based on a book called "Lies to Tell Small Children", although all the lies in my story are a product of my own imagination, and it's aimed at poor James and Lily and Albus and all the squillions of new little Weasleys and all the other impressionable next generation children who are just about to discover the..ahem...joys of Hogwarts for themselves. And who would, if they existed, most likely believe anything someone older (and therefore wiser, right?) told them. So it's silly and it's exaggerated and it's ridiculous and because it's Christmas I don't really care if it's too out-there.
Liked it? You know what to do. Hated it? You know what to do…only I hope you don't.
Oh, and I have one more oneshot in the pipeline, with the working title "Titbits". It's a semi-list fic but more of a personal one and much less silly than all my latest ones have been so far. Cross my heart and all that jazz.