my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
**************************
She tucked her legs up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees.The
tighter she curled into herself, the more she seemed to repell the wind.
Keeping away the ash from someone's cigarette. Ignoring the rain that
started to fall.
Jing Mei looked up towards the ash, towards the burning tobacco."I thought
you quit".
The shadow chuckled."I did, but...something came up and I started again".
Something about his laugh made her stomach turn, each pore on her arm tingle
like she was bathing in bleach."It's a nasty habit".
He chuckled again."You don't think I don't know that, Deb? I am a doctor".
Jing Mei uncurled herself, her arms and legs covered in black wool looking longer
than they really were, and strecth. She stood next to him, and reached into his
jacket pocket, pulling out a cigarette."Some doctor.I haven't seen you here, in
forever".
He shook his head. His dark brown hair had gotten shaggy, and a piece fell over his
eye. Jing Mei winced as her heart leapt. She could see the ring on his finger. She
could see ...too much.
"I had things I had to take care of" his voice got husky.
Jing Mei looked down at the cement, watching the puddles of rain spread out into
the street. Like arms, reaching for..."You could have told me you were leaving, John".
******************************
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
*******************************
"Can I tell you a story?" he stood on the edge of the El train waiting area.
His arms outspread, waiting for the quick, brutual breeze of the fast
moving train to re-start his wounded wings."It's about this boy..."
Jing Mei tucked her legs back up under her, resting her chin between her
knees. This time she shivered, smelling the thick tobacco on her pink coat.
Smelling him so close.
"Who thought everything would be okay if he found someone to love. But it
wasn't. Because the girl he picked, turned him away". Carter ran a hand through
his hair, his back to the curled up Jing Mei."But he held onto her, because
as far back as he could remeber, all he wanted was her."
********************************
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
********************************
It was a reoccuring dream. That she held him against her, his blood soaking through
her pure, snow white wedding dress. That, in the middle of the church, she stripped
off the even heavier silk, and screamed, her pale skin stained red. Pink.
"Did I hurt you?" he sat back down on the cement bench, trying carefully to
not even nudge her.
Jing Mei shook her head, eyes closed."Why would you think that?"
"You seemed stuck in this nightmare" he stroked her cheek. "Does it have
anything to do with me, coming back?"
She nodded slowly.
"I'm sorry I hurt you" he answered.
"We were getting married, and I was in all white" her voice started off shaky, and quiet.
But as she went on with the story, she started to find her strength again."You fell, and I
held you against me, and the dress..."
Carter leaned over and wiped a falling tear with his thumb.
************************
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
************************
The lights flicked on and off at the El station. It cast shadows against his face,making
his nose look stronger, his cheeks sharper."It was like dying".
She swallowed hard, still rubbing her arms frantically to warm herself up.
"To cut off everything you feel, because she was so ashamed of feelings. Any..outspoken signs,
any surprise words, and you had to be bi-polar. She doesn't cry, Deb". He crouched next to her
on the bench, hugging his knees."She doesn't cry".
"Unlike me" Jing Mei whispered.
The blue light made her look porcelain. Made her look fragile. She rocked back and forth, tears
slipping faster and faster down her cheeks."It means you're human" he answered, "You're warm
and your heart is open to anything".
Carter kneeled down in front of her, taking her mitten covered hands in his."There's nothing
wrong with showing your emotions.Means you're fragile, and you're strong".
Jing Mei turned her face away from him, trying so hard not to show him her quivering lip,
the frantic tears in her eyes.
*****************************
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
*****************************
"I just told myself you were dead" her jaw tensed. Jing Mei sat straighter,her eyes dodging
his face. Avoiding the big, wet eyes, the shock frozen on his face from her words."You were
dead to me, because you left, and didn't tell me".
"Deb-"
"I know, it was...what felt right at the time. I understand that. Trust me" her stomach started
to turn again."Nothing is easier than running away. But I had to see her everyday, knowing it
was her fault I had lost my best friend. It was her fault you were gone."
"Deb-"
She shook her head, and stood up, taking his place at the edge of the platform."I thought about
dying when I was trying to figure out what I would do without you".
He sat on the bench, tears racing down his cheeks. When he cried, he didn't make a sound. Not one
whimper or cry left his lips. He'd learned to let go in secret when he was with her. He learned to
keep everything in. No one wanted to know how he felt.
No one cared.
She headed down the stairs clutching the metal railing tightly. Cold against heat. She wanted her skin
to attach and tear. To feel pain. Carter crying was supposed to ignite something in her. But it didn't. So
she ran.
"Deb! DEB!!!"
*********************************
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
***********************************
She twirled around on the porch. This was the closest she would ever get to flying, and she wanted nothing
more than to fly away. He was there, watching her through the oleander bush. But she kept spinning, spinning until
she couldn't feel her legs anymore. Until her arms wanted to fall to her sides, and she collasped in heap of sobs
and heartache.
"I didn't mean to hurt you" he said quietly.
Jing Mei stood up and went back inside, leaving her front door open for him.
*************************************
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
*************************************
She came down the stairs in a red robe. A bright, blood red robe, tied loosely
around her waist. Jing Mei's eyes were red, bloodshot. Under her eyes were
swollen from all her tears.
Carter sat down on her couch, staring at her as she stood in front of him.
He sat there, in his coat and scarf. His eyes not blinking, his mouth not
moving.
Jing Mei let the silk fall from her shoulder. She never took her eyes off
of him as she started to let the robe fall. Looking away, she looked up to see
him standing before her, holding the robe together. He touched her cheek,
touched her neck.
"I didn't know how else to show you.." she started to cry. Tilting her head
Carter kissed her hard, his hand clutching her cheek, pressing his fingers
into her pale skin.
"I didn't know how else for you to see.."
He kissed her again,moving his hands down to her shoulders.
***************************
When she woke up, the blankets on the floor, Jing Mei sat up.
The apartment was dark, and cold. A window was open, blowing a lantern
she had placed over her dining room table.She sat up, looking around
for shadows. Shadows that would touch her, make her melt, then tell her
whatever she needed to hear.
But she was alone.
And the apartment, her couch, smelled of cigarettes.
*You have two messages* Holding her bright red robe the color of blood
to her chest, she listened to his far away voice, telling her that he still
loved her, missed her. And that he would be home, soon.
**********************************
i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along
********************************
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
**************************
She tucked her legs up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees.The
tighter she curled into herself, the more she seemed to repell the wind.
Keeping away the ash from someone's cigarette. Ignoring the rain that
started to fall.
Jing Mei looked up towards the ash, towards the burning tobacco."I thought
you quit".
The shadow chuckled."I did, but...something came up and I started again".
Something about his laugh made her stomach turn, each pore on her arm tingle
like she was bathing in bleach."It's a nasty habit".
He chuckled again."You don't think I don't know that, Deb? I am a doctor".
Jing Mei uncurled herself, her arms and legs covered in black wool looking longer
than they really were, and strecth. She stood next to him, and reached into his
jacket pocket, pulling out a cigarette."Some doctor.I haven't seen you here, in
forever".
He shook his head. His dark brown hair had gotten shaggy, and a piece fell over his
eye. Jing Mei winced as her heart leapt. She could see the ring on his finger. She
could see ...too much.
"I had things I had to take care of" his voice got husky.
Jing Mei looked down at the cement, watching the puddles of rain spread out into
the street. Like arms, reaching for..."You could have told me you were leaving, John".
******************************
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
*******************************
"Can I tell you a story?" he stood on the edge of the El train waiting area.
His arms outspread, waiting for the quick, brutual breeze of the fast
moving train to re-start his wounded wings."It's about this boy..."
Jing Mei tucked her legs back up under her, resting her chin between her
knees. This time she shivered, smelling the thick tobacco on her pink coat.
Smelling him so close.
"Who thought everything would be okay if he found someone to love. But it
wasn't. Because the girl he picked, turned him away". Carter ran a hand through
his hair, his back to the curled up Jing Mei."But he held onto her, because
as far back as he could remeber, all he wanted was her."
********************************
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
********************************
It was a reoccuring dream. That she held him against her, his blood soaking through
her pure, snow white wedding dress. That, in the middle of the church, she stripped
off the even heavier silk, and screamed, her pale skin stained red. Pink.
"Did I hurt you?" he sat back down on the cement bench, trying carefully to
not even nudge her.
Jing Mei shook her head, eyes closed."Why would you think that?"
"You seemed stuck in this nightmare" he stroked her cheek. "Does it have
anything to do with me, coming back?"
She nodded slowly.
"I'm sorry I hurt you" he answered.
"We were getting married, and I was in all white" her voice started off shaky, and quiet.
But as she went on with the story, she started to find her strength again."You fell, and I
held you against me, and the dress..."
Carter leaned over and wiped a falling tear with his thumb.
************************
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
************************
The lights flicked on and off at the El station. It cast shadows against his face,making
his nose look stronger, his cheeks sharper."It was like dying".
She swallowed hard, still rubbing her arms frantically to warm herself up.
"To cut off everything you feel, because she was so ashamed of feelings. Any..outspoken signs,
any surprise words, and you had to be bi-polar. She doesn't cry, Deb". He crouched next to her
on the bench, hugging his knees."She doesn't cry".
"Unlike me" Jing Mei whispered.
The blue light made her look porcelain. Made her look fragile. She rocked back and forth, tears
slipping faster and faster down her cheeks."It means you're human" he answered, "You're warm
and your heart is open to anything".
Carter kneeled down in front of her, taking her mitten covered hands in his."There's nothing
wrong with showing your emotions.Means you're fragile, and you're strong".
Jing Mei turned her face away from him, trying so hard not to show him her quivering lip,
the frantic tears in her eyes.
*****************************
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
*****************************
"I just told myself you were dead" her jaw tensed. Jing Mei sat straighter,her eyes dodging
his face. Avoiding the big, wet eyes, the shock frozen on his face from her words."You were
dead to me, because you left, and didn't tell me".
"Deb-"
"I know, it was...what felt right at the time. I understand that. Trust me" her stomach started
to turn again."Nothing is easier than running away. But I had to see her everyday, knowing it
was her fault I had lost my best friend. It was her fault you were gone."
"Deb-"
She shook her head, and stood up, taking his place at the edge of the platform."I thought about
dying when I was trying to figure out what I would do without you".
He sat on the bench, tears racing down his cheeks. When he cried, he didn't make a sound. Not one
whimper or cry left his lips. He'd learned to let go in secret when he was with her. He learned to
keep everything in. No one wanted to know how he felt.
No one cared.
She headed down the stairs clutching the metal railing tightly. Cold against heat. She wanted her skin
to attach and tear. To feel pain. Carter crying was supposed to ignite something in her. But it didn't. So
she ran.
"Deb! DEB!!!"
*********************************
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
***********************************
She twirled around on the porch. This was the closest she would ever get to flying, and she wanted nothing
more than to fly away. He was there, watching her through the oleander bush. But she kept spinning, spinning until
she couldn't feel her legs anymore. Until her arms wanted to fall to her sides, and she collasped in heap of sobs
and heartache.
"I didn't mean to hurt you" he said quietly.
Jing Mei stood up and went back inside, leaving her front door open for him.
*************************************
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
*************************************
She came down the stairs in a red robe. A bright, blood red robe, tied loosely
around her waist. Jing Mei's eyes were red, bloodshot. Under her eyes were
swollen from all her tears.
Carter sat down on her couch, staring at her as she stood in front of him.
He sat there, in his coat and scarf. His eyes not blinking, his mouth not
moving.
Jing Mei let the silk fall from her shoulder. She never took her eyes off
of him as she started to let the robe fall. Looking away, she looked up to see
him standing before her, holding the robe together. He touched her cheek,
touched her neck.
"I didn't know how else to show you.." she started to cry. Tilting her head
Carter kissed her hard, his hand clutching her cheek, pressing his fingers
into her pale skin.
"I didn't know how else for you to see.."
He kissed her again,moving his hands down to her shoulders.
***************************
When she woke up, the blankets on the floor, Jing Mei sat up.
The apartment was dark, and cold. A window was open, blowing a lantern
she had placed over her dining room table.She sat up, looking around
for shadows. Shadows that would touch her, make her melt, then tell her
whatever she needed to hear.
But she was alone.
And the apartment, her couch, smelled of cigarettes.
*You have two messages* Holding her bright red robe the color of blood
to her chest, she listened to his far away voice, telling her that he still
loved her, missed her. And that he would be home, soon.
**********************************
i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along
********************************