How to Kill a Snape

Summary: Severus Snape isn't sure who will kill him first – Kira or Touta Matsuda. AU; crack.

Genres: Parody, Adventure

A/N: I find the Harry Potter fandom a rather intimidating and ambitious one (over 524k stories, daaaaamn) so I thought I'd start off with something a bit more comfortable: a Death Note crossover. Woot! This will be basically be a multi-chapter AU crackfic featuring most of the DN cast and a select few HP characters. Expect some OOCness and canon-timeline screwing.

So, without further ado, read on and hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own either series.

Chapter 1: Damage Control

It all started when Matsuda stuck his head out the car window.

"Oh my gosh, Aizawa! Look!" he yelped.

Of course, Aizawa ignored him. He was too busy focusing on getting into the parking lot at King's Cross, which was congested with red double-decker buses and shiny black taxis pulling out of the station. They had just come from Heathrow, and Aizawa had determined it would be cheaper to take the train to Winchester than to drive the rental.

"Look! You gotta see this!" Matsuda yelped again, beginning to hyperventilate.

"Matsuda, shut up! I'm driving!"

Without warning, Matsuda grabbed Aizawa by his afro and pushed his face against the windshield. Aizawa slammed on the brakes, causing the long stream of cars behind him to honk angrily.

"DON'T YOU SEE IT? TELL ME I'M NOT CRAZY!"

"Matsuda, let me go or I'll beat your sorry –"

Then Aizawa saw it.

"Holy mother of –"

"RON, THE CAR!"

"Oh no," Ron Weasley cried, frantically pressing the large silver button on the dashboard. "The Invisibility Booster must be faulty!"

The bright turquoise Ford Anglia vanished, then became visible again in the London sky.

"Ron, the Muggles –!"

"Alright, hold on, Harry!" Ron yelled, slamming his foot on the gas pedal, and they raced higher into the clouds and out of sight.

Hours later, Matsuda and Aizawa were sitting in a pub debating their next course of action.

"I say we visit Wammy's House and then go home," said Aizawa firmly.

"No, no, we should definitely report this to the police," Matsuda argued, "or at least the press!"

"Do you want to be institutionalized, Matsuda? Do you want to be thrown into a padded room? Do you want to be poked and prodded in strange, unspeakable places?"

Matsuda seemed to contemplate the answer.

"The answer's NO, you idiot!" Aizawa smacked his partner upside the head twice.

"Ouch! What was that second one for?"

"For touching my afro earlier. Now I'll have to go and shave it off later!"

"...I'm sorry," Matsuda whispered sadly. "I didn't mean any harm."

Aizawa sighed and rubbed his temples. "I know you didn't. Anyway, back to this flying car nonsense."

"It's not nonsense, we both saw it with our own eyes!"

"Yes, but who's going to believe us? How can cars fly? That sort of thing hasn't been invented yet! And it kept appearing and disappearing like some kind of ghost!"

Matsuda suddenly gasped, revelation sparkling in his eyes.

"It's obvious," the young detective said in hushed tones.

"What?"

"Magic."

Severus Snape paced around the dungeon, clearly agitated. A copy of the Evening Prophet was clutched in his white-knuckled hands. The headline said it all.

FLYING FORD ANGLIA MYSTIFIES MUGGLES.

"You were seen. By no less than seven Muggles! Do you have any idea how serious this is? You have risked the exposure of our world!"

"We had no choice, sir –" Ron spluttered.

"There has to be something we can do to make things right," Harry said helplessly.

"No. You will do nothing!" Snape exploded. "You will stay here and serve detention with the Head of your House for the rest of your miserable existence at this school!"

"Severus," Dumbledore said sternly, "Minerva has better things to do with her time. No offense," he added for Harry and Ron's benefit.

"Agreed," said Professor McGonagall.

Snape's eyes were bulging. "So, Headmaster, how do you propose we punish them?" he demanded, his voice dangerously low.

"I'll think of something," Dumbledore responded gravely, peering over his half-moon spectacles. "But first things first, Severus. You know how the Ministry is with damage control."

"I'm on it," replied Snape, his upper lip curling. "I'll be back before pudding."

"And please, do try to be gentle with them," added McGonagall. "Muggles have such delicate minds."

"No promises," Snape said over his shoulder as he strolled toward his fireplace.

"The Leaky Cauldron," he said very clearly.

There was a flash of green light, a swish of black robes, and Severus Snape was gone.

"It obviously exists," Matsuda jabbered away excitedly. "I mean, we've already seen one type of magic with the Death N –"

"Shhhhh!" Aizawa clapped a hand over the younger man's mouth. "For crying out loud, you should know better by now!"

"But nobody else here is Japanese," Matsuda pointed out after Aizawa released him.

"For all we know, there could very well be otaku lurking in this crowd," Aizawa muttered, casting the bartender a suspicious glance.

"O-Otaku?" Matsuda repeated uncertainly.

"Indeed," said Aizawa. "You can usually identify them by their sun-deprived skin, unwashed hair, permanent squint due to too much time in front of a computer or television, and strange attire that they call cosplay costumes..."

"You mean like that guy?"

Aizawa spun around on his barstool to see who Matsuda was looking at.

A sallow-faced man with long, greasy dark hair was pushing his way through the crowded street just outside the pub, looking very much like a wizard with his flowing black robes and large crooked nose. Bystanders skirted to the side to avoid the man, which was a good thing, because he seemed to be in a foul mood and in a hurry.

Suddenly, he stopped, mid-stride.

The man slowly turned around.

And his sweeping gaze landed on the two detectives.

"Yikes! Do you think he heard us?" Matsuda squeaked, ducking down.

Aizawa began to sweat. Even from the distance, he could tell that the man was not someone he would want to mess with. "No, that's impossible – ohmykirahescomingoverhere."

"...eep!"

A/N: Updates for this will be fairly quick/regular. Let me know what you think of it so far! Reviews are greatly appreciated ^_^