AN: Hello #The1OO fandom! :) Not my usual block, I know, but hopefully you guys don't mind. Couldn't get these Conversations out of my head, so here's the result. As fair warning, References to: Clarke/+/Bellamy, Clarke/+/Raven, Clarke/+/Octavia, Clarke+SkyPeople, and Clarke/Lexa. Enjoy, guys :)
Disclaimer: Not owned by me. Obvs.
She's not sure what she was expecting.
Well, getting shot not even ten minutes into being back at Camp Jaha after 4 months away wasn't it, but still.
She's not sure what she was expecting - but maybe that should have been it.
She walks and walks and doesn't stop until she reaches the dropship. She collapses inside and cries. Cries for all the lives lost from the moment they were sent down.
We were just kids.
Clarke's always understood that life isn't fair - learned it the hard way with her father's execution, but still - this life that was chosen for them? It wasn't right.
It wasn't.
She spends a week there, before moving on.
She goes to the bunker next.
The dead Grounder is still there.
It's not easy and she throws up at least twice, but she manages to get him out and burns his body.
Yu gonplei ste odon
It's the least he deserves.
Mount Weather is next, after she spends a few days saying her goodbyes to the bunker. She's burying her ghosts - one at a time.
Wells, at the dropship.
Finn, at the bunker.
And now.
Maya, at the mountain.
It's been a few weeks, and the bodies are no longer where they left them. There are unmarked graves outside and she wonders who took the time and care to do such a thing. She figures her people wouldn't have, so that only leaves -
She won't think about her.
Not now.
Not ever, if she can help it.
I made this choice with my head and not my heart
Fuck you, is all Clarke thinks about that.
She spends weeks at Mount Weather, which considering how desperate she was to get out - to get her people out - is pretty ironic. But Clarke walks and spends time in every single room. Sees everything, learns about the people she executed.
She cries so much, she's sure she won't have tears in her ever again.
I bear it so they don't have to
Clarke thinks it is certainly easier said than done.
And saying it was never easy in the first place.
As she exits Mount Weather, she's unsurprised to find a Grounder waiting for her. She's not sure why she expected it, but expected it nonetheless she did.
He doesn't speak, only begins to walk away.
Clarke doesn't hesitate to follow him.
She's got nowhere left to go.
The next few months are spent traveling from Grounder village to Grounder village, working as a healer.
She's taken so many lives, she thinks saving some might -
Maybe there are no good guys
I'm still trying, Clarke thinks.
Still trying.
It's four months later when Clarke feels strong enough to go back to Camp Jaha. Monty is the first to rush out and hug her the moment she gets through the gates.
"You're back," he says with a relieved sigh.
"I'm back," Clarke responds as she hugs him tightly.
Monty steps back and Clarke glances behind him to see her mother, Kane, Bellamy, and Jasper.
Jasper.
It takes only a second, but Clarke sees it coming. Before anyone can react, Jasper reaches for the gun Bellamy has holstered and shoots her.
Clarke sees it coming, but she doesn't move.
He's a fucking lousy shot anyway.
When Clarke wakes up, her mother is sitting by her bed in the Medical Bay.
"Mom?" Clarke asks.
Abby reaches for some water which Clarke drinks gratefully.
"You're going to be okay. Some blood loss, but you'll be okay." Abby responds, tenderly moving Clarke's hair from her face.
"And Jasper?"
Abby hesitates before answering, "Punished accordingly."
"He's just a kid." Clarke says, voice rough.
"You all stopped being kids the day I sent you down here to die." Abby replies, voice soft.
Clarke knows an apology when she hears one. She nods, tears reaching her eyes.
"Rest, honey."
Clarke wishes she knew how.
She's not had many visitors since getting shot - at her own request. Being back was overwhelming and she needed to prepare for more welcomes like the one she had received.
When she's allowed to leave her room, she walks to that one hidden spot used to sneak out of camp. She's been sitting there for a few minutes before Raven joins her.
"Can't help but being the center of attention can you, Princess?" Raven asks with a small smile.
"Yeah, getting shot is definitely how I wanted to be welcomed."
"At least we didn't tie you to a pole and took turns carving into you." Raven jokes.
Clarke's head snaps to her left and locks eyes with the other girl.
"Raven…"
"What? I thought you were all about the Grounder lifestyle now, what with taking turns in all those villages." Raven responds.
"How did you know about that?" Clarke asks. She hasn't told anybody about how she spent her time away.
"Just because you left doesn't mean we stopped existing, Clarke. New alliances had to be made and the Grounders know how to apologise, surprisingly enough."
Clarke raises an eyebrow at this. She's heard nothing about a new alliance. Then again, she's refused any news about her people, except knowing that they were safe, up until she actually walked into camp.
"The Commander came and spoke with Abby, Kane, and Bellamy for hours." Raven explains. "All I know is once she left, we got food, clothes, weapons, and peace." Raven sighs. "We also got news that you were being taken care of."
Clarke should have expected it. Because of course, of course, Lexa knew about her comings and goings - even if she thankfully stayed away - and of course she would work to make things politically right. She got 12 clans to bend at their knees for her, the Sky People were probably business as usual for her.
Clarke nods at her explanation and the two girls just sit there quietly for a bit. Raven begins to fiddle with her brace, and when she notices Clarke staring she glares at her. Before she can get a word out though, Clarke begins to speak.
"At a village, this woman was having a really difficult birth. The baby, she was in the wrong position, her arm -" Clarke stops and swallows before continuing. "We had to break her arm to get her out. She's alive and she's healthy, but." Clarke stops again. "Her mother asked me to name her - the baby. Said it was thanks to me that they were both alive."
Clarke remembers the fear in the mother's eyes when she first arrived at her home. Remembers the tears of joy when the baby's cries filled the room. Remembers feeling, for the first time, like maybe all the hurting was worth it.
"I named her Raven. She was so little, but so strong and already healing. She won't ever be like the others, but she's alive." Clarke says, looking at Raven who was staring determinedly at her leg. "I named her after the strongest person I know."
When Raven doesn't say anything, Clarke stands up to leave. A hand shoots up and takes a hold of her own. Clarke looks down and sees Raven's eyes filled with tears.
"Next time you leave, you're going to have to take me with you." Raven says, her voice rough as she swallows back tears.
"Raven…"
"I'd pick you first." Raven says, squeezing Clarke's hand and blinking back her tears. "I'd pick you first."
Clarke squeezes her hand back and lets her own tears run down her face.
If you need forgiveness I'll give that to you
Clarke's starting to feel like maybe, just maybe, she's ready to start accepting that forgiveness.
She goes to Bellamy's room later that night.
He barely gets her name out before she starts kissing him.
Clothes start to come off, before he stops her.
"Clarke?" He asks, confusion and worry coloring his words.
"I.."
"What do you want?" Bellamy asks, not unkindly. He asks as if he's willing to give her anything, so as long as she actually asks for it.
Well, what do you want?
Another voice, another time, another promise, rings in her ears.
Clarke swallows, before answering.
"I don't know."
"Okay." Bellamy answers, a soft smile and a chaste kiss following. He pulls his pants back up and hands Clarke her shirt.
She spends the night curled up next to him.
She wonders how fair it is to have so many people who love her, when she can barely love herself.
She leaves his room while the sun is still rising. Outside, only a few people are up.
Clarke walks over to sit by a fire that's been started for breakfast. The moment she gets close enough she notices who it is that is sitting by it.
Octavia.
She hesitates, but goes to sit next to her anyway.
Octavia is sharpening her knives.
"You back for good?" Octavia asks gruffly.
"Yes." Clarke answers. She's surprised by how sure she actually is of her answer.
A beat passes before Octavia speaks again.
"You were going to let me burn."
Clarke looks at her. The girl is still methodically sharpening her knives, but Clarke knows that beneath that harsh exterior lies a girl, a 17 year old girl, who has had too many people let her down for too long.
"I burned them." Clarke responds with a nod. Octavia finally looks up, recognizing that Clarke's no longer speaking about TonDC, but rather Mount Weather. "Not everyone though, not you." Clarke continues.
Not everyone. Not you.
Clarke locks eyes with Octavia. "You're my responsibility too, you know. And I'm sorry I forgot that."
Octavia's eyes finally soften.
"Clarke…"
"I know where my loyalties lie." Clarke continues.
"Clarke."
"You're my people. You're mine." Clarke chokes out the words.
Octavia reaches over and pulls her into a hug.
My sister, my responsibility
Slowly, her life starts to come back into focus. Her mother and Kane include her in their decisions, alongside Bellamy.
One day, she spends the entire afternoon drawing at a nearby lake with Lincoln. Just the two of them.
Another day, she spends with Monty and Wick, seeing them bring cars back to life.
Harper, Monroe, and Miller hang out with her at dinner one night.
Clarke spent so long fighting for her people, but it's only now that she is truly getting to know them - one day at a time.
When a year after Mount Weather has passed, Clarke is picked up by Indra and a small caravan to go to Polis for the anniversary of it.
Lexa looks just as commanding, just as powerful.
Just as beautiful.
The anniversary consists of a mourning ritual followed by an actual celebration. Clarke doesn't know yet how she feels about the whole thing, but understands its importance to the Grounders.
Later that night, she is summoned to Lexa's room.
Lexa is devoid of war paint and body armour, wearing instead a regal dress for the occasion.
"Thank you for coming, Clarke of the Sky People." Lexa says, as formal as always.
"It was the right thing to do."
Lexa nods at this, no stranger to the kinds of decisions that leaders make.
Silence fills the room as they stare at one another, taking each other in after so long apart.
"I don't want to bear it alone anymore." Clarke says quietly after a while.
"Well, what do you want?"
Clarke lets herself know the answer.
"You."
She walks over to where Lexa stands, and gets as close as she can without their bodies touching.
"You fell from the sky." Lexa says softly.
"I did."
Clarke kisses her.
Later that night, they lie in bed together. Lexa on her front as Clarke traces the tattoos on her back.
"We survived." Clarke says, unsure if Lexa is still awake, but needing to say it nevertheless.
A beat passes.
"Life is about more than just surviving."
Another beat passes.
"I fell from the sky. And you caught me."
"No. You fell from the sky and you caught yourself."
Clarke's hand stills.
"I was sent here to die and I survived."
"And now we live."
"Now we live."
To those we've lost… and to those we shall soon find