Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the creation of Naoko Takeuchi and owned by many entities who are not affiliated with me or lunaloverunicorn in any way, shape, or form. Please don't sue us over this completely insane story. We're both super broke and you'd get nothing but lint for your troubles.
Author's Note: This is a collaboration between me and fellow author lunaloverunicorn. We originally wrote this crack!fic in 2010 over AIM. Or Skype. One or the other. Recently, I stumbled across the story on my external hard drive, so I decided to edit it for more, er, coherence. Hopefully, the tone is fairly even throughout. Anyway, enjoy! (And be sure to read Fimus by lunaloverunicorn if you're into Harry Potter fanfiction!)
Stupid Blonde Girls and Maybe-Babies
Usagi ran to the study session at Rei's temple, her long blonde pigtails flying like silky streamers behind her. She was late (as always) and feeling harassed.
The reluctant student was in a fury over her phone conversation with Rei, who had accused, "Your ideas completely overlook mine!" Criticizing some minor mistakes found in Usagi's work, Rei then spat out, "and you're using the wrong 'your,' you know. This unforgivable atrocity can only be compared to the worst writing available—like that horrible My Immortal fan fiction you keep reading!"
Through some convoluted ESL program their respective schools participated in, the girls' English teachers partnered them on a dual writing assignment. It was a 'cross-cultural experience,' they said. It would 'build character,' they said. Uh-huh. Either that, or funeral pyres; Usagi and Rei would likely die by the end of this exercise.
At the thought of mixing culture, Usagi recalled the party she, her friends, and Mamoru attended several weeks ago. Hosted by an American of Mamoru's acquaintance, and filled with strange words and stranger people ('Yankees!'), most of the night's activities blurred together thanks to that sweet, sweet burning liquid she imbibed by the glassful. 'Welcome to my home party!' Usagi mused with alcoholic fondness.
Still, Usagi was dismayed and full of wrathful rage, remembering Rei's criticism. She'd show her, Usagi thought, that judgmental and overbearing hag. She'd show her until she grew tired of it, that's what, and found something better to do! Usagi's feet stomped on, seemingly without any connection to her brain, taking heavy, heated steps.
Usagi stopped abruptly, surprised to find herself staring at a street lamp mere centimeters in front of her. Her face drew into a twisted frown. She envisioned Rei's wide-mouthed face and seethed aloud, "Rei-chan! Rei-chan, who has no appreciation for effort and the subtle genius of mistakes! Rei-chan, whose eyes look at you with a definite sort of evil-"
"Oh, is that right? And what evil would that be?"
Usagi whirled, eyes large as saucers in her paling face.
The horrible witch had appeared. Rei was, in many respects, like a photo negative of Usagi: Her long hair was black; her eyes were black; and her heart was black. Pitch black, just like a witch's. Yes, there was definitely a malevolent sparkle in those beady eyes. "Well, c'mon, now. What kind of evil, Usagi-chan? Knowing the difference between 'their,' 'there,' and 'they're?' Is that the kind of evil you're referencing? If it is, then I am truly Beezlebub!"
Usagi screeched, realizing (much too belatedly for matters of dignity) that she had reached the temple courtyard.
"REI-CHAN!"
"Yes, me, O blonde-haired dorkus who snickers to herself while making lurid faces, probably thinking about getting drunk and groping Mamoru-san's... His… ugh, I need brain bleach," she muttered, shivering with distaste. "Anyway, U-sa-gi, how are you progressing on our assignment?" Rei demanded with arms akimbo.
Usagi could only squeak in horrified horror.
"Grope Mamo-chan's what? Navel?"
Rei eyed her blankly. "...Yes. His navel." Clearing her throat, she threw the dumpling-headed girl a sternly stern look. "You're getting us sidetracked! I have steps to sweep and a lovesick boy to torment. Let's get this writing assignment over with already!"
"Oh, Rei-chan, you're looking at this the wrong way!" Usagi exclaimed in sing-song fashion. "I have always craved the opportunity to spend academically-sound quality time with you. You were always the Diana to my Anne, the Elphie to my Glinda, and I don't want a certain set of high school-aged jerks to call me an idiot again during battle. I want a viable excuse to not go to battle! Heavens, I feel my spirit darkening with doom," Usagi cried, fanning herself with her hand.
Rei could feel the beginnings of a migraine zinging at her temples, and sighed. She quickly prayed to the spirits, to Buddha, and, yes, even Christ, to give her the mental and emotional fortitude to survive the oncoming hours of schoolwork with Usagi.
"What?!" Usagi cried, suddenly nervous. Rei's expressive face communicated an urge to chop the blonde in half and feed her remains to those wicked vultures, Phobos and Deimos. "FINE, THEN! YOU GO AND GET YOURSELF CALLED AN IDIOT. I AM DONE. YOU HEAR ME? DONE! YOU'RE AN ASS. YOU CAN FIGHT BACK! YES, FIGHT FOR ME! I BELIEVE IN YOU, REI-CHAN!" Usagi slapped her hands onto Rei's shoulders in an empowering manner; her eyes sparkling with what she hoped conveyed inspiration, she added a slapdash smile to complete the ensemble.
Rei arched an elegant brow at her friend. 'She's mucking through so much bullshit right now. I bet her garden looks amazing with all that fertilizer.' "Usagi-chan, you read way too many magical girl manga. We're gonna be fine when the next attack comes. And knowing MY luck, it'll happen right as we're sitting down to finish this damn assignment," she muttered resentfully, looking over her shoulder as if expecting to see a monster. Instead, she saw her grandfather leering at a pair of pretty schoolgirls entering the shrine grounds. Her headache grew worse.
"REI-CHAN!"
Another god-forsaken blonde head popped up into view.
"REI-CHAN! This is an emergency. Read my fortune NOW. Program your head to dream about me. Something very important is about to happen that is going to change my life. NOWNOWNOW."
"HOLY SHIT, MINAKO-CHAN! Give a girl some warning! Is my hair turning grey? It's grey, isn't it? YOU'RE PREMATURELY AGING ME, YOU BUBBLE-HEADED TWIT! Oh my god, my beautiful tresses..." Whimpering pitifully in a rare-but-spectacular display of vanity, Rei sank to the steps while Minako gave Usagi an unrepentant grin.
"Well, there is a bit of silver at the temple but people start going grey as early as eleven," Minako observed with a vague gesture, before pinching Rei's forehead. "NO! There is something far more important we must discuss! Something of epic proportions! Something that could mean the life and death of one of your fellow soldiers and dearest friends! Something that could make or break my destiny! Something that has to do with a somewhat thoughtless, while it can be considered completely thoughtFUL, decision that I made..."
Rei growled as she rubbed her forehead, startling Minako out of her monologue and prompting Usagi to step backward. "First of all, NEVER pinch me again, unless you want me to slap a curse on your ass."
Usagi piped up in a thin voice, "Those HURT, Minako-chan..."
Minako laughed nervously, rubbing the back of her neck as a little bead of sweat trickled down her face. "Eh heh..."
Rei wasn't finished. "Second of all, what 'thoughtFUL decision' have you made that requires my immediate assistance? Who'd you piss off and how much of the world is gonna die if I don't help you? And I mean like how much of the world is gonna die in the next FIVE MINUTES if I don't help you? Because I'm thinking YOU'RE among the dying here."
"USAGI-CHAN!" A new voice presented itself, sounding not unlike an ambulance's siren. "It's your chore day! Don't you DARE leave me with the sweeping, garbage-picking, bed-making, and dinner-cooking, you lazy sloth of a futuristic entity!"
"WHAT? Why the hell did I even give birth to you in the future if you won't do any of my chores now?! CHILDREN ARE FOR CHORES!" Usagi wailed back at the pink-haired imp.
"You're still a virgin, and I'm not a product of Immaculate Conception. Therefore, you're not my mother yet, and I WON'T DO YOUR CHORES, YOU GLUTTONOUS, POWER-WIELDING KLUTZ!"
"GODDAMMIT!"
"And you'll find your laundry missing if you don't wash it soon."
"WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL."
"I'll do it, I swear! I HAVE ACCESS TO EVERYTHING."
"HOW THE HELL DID I CREATE SUCH AN UNGRATEFUL, SCHEMING LITTLE B-"
"No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!" Minako screeched, wide-eyed and yanking on her hair in a most violent manner. "REI-CHAN. YOU MUST HELP ME. YOU MUST. This cannot happen to me!" She indicated the dire situation between the red-faced and flailing Chibiusa and Usagi.
Rei stared at her frantic friend in confusion. 'Not like them? She's already an airhead, so what other way could she mean? Not like spoiled little brats? No, she's that, too. Not like daughter and mo...ther..?' The raven-haired girl went pale as her mind leapt to the most obvious conclusion. "Minako-chan, are you... are you p-p-pr-preg-" The word stuck in her throat.
"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW IF YOU WON'T DO MY FORTUNE?" Minako screamed back, hands twisting into the fabric of her school uniform, ratcheting up the calf-length skirt to above her knees. "You see, it was late one night, at a volleyball meet—you know, I'm trying to get into that again—and, well, Miki-san suggested a rousing game of Seventh Heaven after my team tryout failed. You know how fragile my pure heart is! Why, it's practically glass! Well, when it was my turn to play, things got dark, things got close, and something got wet..."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SOMETHING GOT WET?!" Everybody within a half-kilometer radius of the four girls heard Rei's inelegant shriek. Her face burst into flames at the open-mouthed stares she received. "Um... I think we need to take this inside," she mumbled angrily, shoving her friends with a goodly amount of force into her domicile.
"CONTINUE," Rei demanded, once she'd sequestered them in her bedroom. (She'd given her grandfather and Yuuichirou her LOOK as they breezed by, the eavesdrop-and-I-will-end-your-manly-funtimes-in-the-WORST-WAY-POSSIBLE look, and they wisely chose that moment to clean the gift shop, on hands and knees, possibly with only a toothbrush shared between them.)
Minako shrunk back and said tremulously, "Rei-chan..."
Chibiusa stared at them. Usagi stared at them. They both stared at the curiously flushed faces of Rei and Minako.
Minako glanced down at her abdomen.
"Rei-chan, do you think Chibiusa-chan was aware of her time inside the..."
"Shut up!" Rei hissed, feeling ill. "Do you want to traumatize virginal ears?"
Minako stared at her with wide eyes, suddenly forming a conclusion of her own. "Why, Rei-chan, aren't you a wily little vixen?! I didn't know you and Shrine-Boy made it to A, let alone B and C!"
Usagi and Chibiusa looked thoroughly scandalized. "Rei-chan!" Usagi exclaimed, "You've d-done-"
"NO!" wailed the dark-haired girl angrily. "Where the HELL did you get that from, Minako-chan?"
"Well, the comment about virginal ears," Minako replied, completely unfazed. "It didn't seem like you counted yours among them."
Rei decided that once she managed to get all of her friends out of her house, she was going to take a bottle of pills and chase it with a bottle of saké. Well, no; out of respect for her grandfather, she'd pour him a shot of saké first. Or maybe a cask of plum wine would be better suited for this purpose…
"Anyway, Rei-chan, before I was so inconsiderately sidetracked," Minako huffed, "Yes. While the banana didn't get itself inside the peel (entirely), there were definite squirts of, erm," Minako glanced at the attentive audience of Chibiusa and Usagi, "good old-fashioned home-made apple juice!" She lowered her eyes to her lap and squeaked, "Please help."
Rei wanted to weep. Usagi wanted some apple juice, and maybe a banana split. Chibiusa wanted Usagi to leave the shrine and tend to her goddamn chores, because she already had half of the idiot's laundry in Papa Tsukino's barbeque grill, doused with accelerant and waiting for a match.
Minako looked at Rei with hopeful eyes. Rei, once again praying to every known (and unknown) spiritual and holy force available, asked, "Um, you ARE talking about fruits and juice metaphorically, right?"
Chibiusa's brows knitted together as she contemplated Minako's words.
"Wait, how does apple juice come from bananas?" Chibiusa asked, frowning.
Usagi's faced burned in a fiery blaze of glory. "Chibiusa-chan... uh, I..."
Chibiusa looked between three adolescent faces determinedly looking at the floor.
"Why are your faces all so red?"
Usagi sighed, wishing for the ground to swallow her whole. "Oh, I am SO TOTALLY NOT ready for this yet," she muttered.
Rei, desperately rallying, said, "We all took a niacin supplement, which causes flushing of the face."
Chibiusa looked doubtful at this explanation, but decided to take Usagi's word that whatever she wasn't 'ready for' could wait... until later, when she was sleeping soundly in her bed and thoroughly unsuspecting. Yes. That seemed like an opportune time to spring more questioning on her not-mother, aided by a loudspeaker, superglue, and possibly thumbtacks. On the outside, Chibiusa smiled sweetly at Rei and nodded. "Okay."
Deep in their hearts, the three teenage girls shuddered. Something wasn't quite right with that one, but more pressing issues were at hand.
Rei resumed glaring at Minako. "Well?"
"Well, what?" Minako blinked in confusion.
"THE METAPHOR, YOU DITZ!"
"Oh, that. Well, juice comes from fruits, and fruits have seeds, and I have a… garden full of seeds, and when a gardener comes along and waters the seeds... That's what I'm afraid of, Rei-chan. How would it look if I went in and bought a-" Minako's eyes shot again to Chibiusa, "... flower pot... test?"
Minako smiled. Chibiusa frowned. Usagi really wanted that apple juice and banana split. Rei felt her left arm going numb.
For the first time since becoming a Sailor Senshi, Rei wished for a monster. Any monster would do. One that spat telephones out of its lower orifice would work nicely... As if the universe picked up on her thoughts, the phone rang. All four girls jumped at the sound. With wordless praise, Rei answered.
"Oh, thank God you called," Rei breathed. "Ah, who is this?"
"Rei-chan, your technophobia isn't cute anymore," a severe voice replied. "Phones come equipped with Caller ID to avoid this sort of conversation. I should be in your contact list at very least!"
"Is this Ami-chan?"
"Yes, dummy. Rei-chan, are you okay...?"
"No. If you let me off this phone now, there may be a murder-suicide in the papers tomorrow," she answered, her voice full of shining (and terrifying) sincerity.
Minako withered under Rei's vicious glance. Usagi marveled at the power of Rei's premonitions, and prayed that Ami would keep her on the phone for as long as it took to prevent the killings. Chibiusa inwardly cursed that Rei had somehow discovered her plans, and scrapped them for the time being.
With a nervous titter, Amy reluctantly said, "Then I suppose this wouldn't be a good time to tell you that I'm at my mother's hospital, and there's a woman with the body of a hypodermic needle trying to capture a nurse's pure heart crystal."
"I LOVE YOU NOW AND ALWAYS. MARRY ME, AMI-CHAN!"
Ami was quiet for several moments, and then said tentatively, "Okay?"
"Oh, never mind. We'll be there in five minutes!" Hanging up the phone, Rei quickly relayed the details of her conversation with Ami.
"But... what about the flower pot test?" Minako asked in a small voice.
"We're going to a hospital. You can ask for one while we're there!"
Chibiusa scoffed at Rei. "Hospitals don't have flower pots, Rei-chan!"
"That's what they all say," she muttered. "Now, c'mon, everyone! It's panty-flashing time!"
"But I'm expecting!" Minako protested. She caught herself and hastily tacked on, "Expecting a big smack down!"
"And I'm hungry!" Usagi wailed.
"And I need a match!" Chibiusa demanded.
"DAMMIT, GUYS! SOME ASSHOLE NEEDLE HAS RIPPED THE HEART OUT OF A FREAKING NURSE! Do you think that either party cares if one of you is a slut, the other is a glutton, and we have a child pyromaniac in the making? NO! GET YOUR ASSES IN PRETTY SENSHI GEAR."
Minako's face flushed with anger. "Hey! You're being a shitty feminist, Rei-chan. There are no sluts in feminism, only girls who get their plants watered vigor-"
"STUFF IT, MINAKO-CHAN!"
The three girls shared a resigned look and accepted their fate.
"Moon Cosmic Power, Make-Up!"
"Mars Star Power, Make-Up!"
"Venus Star Power, Make-Up!"
"Moon Prism Power, Make-Up!"
In a flurry of twisting bodies, swirling ribbons, and flashing colors, the four Senshi of the Moon, Mars, and Venus emerged.
Four minutes and fifty-eight seconds later (Mars timed the trip to amuse herself), they arrived at the hospital. It was total chaos. Medical personnel were frantically trying to wheel patients out of danger, while friends and family of sick loved ones screamed and ran and trampled each other in a terrified frenzy to escape the monster by the nursing station. Ami and Makoto-Sailors Mercury and Jupiter to all the plebeians-were already throwing spells at the creature (who called itself "Plunja") to no effect.
"THERE you are!" Jupiter cried, dodging some acidic liquid spewing from Plunja's needle tip. "What the hell, guys? Were you too busy gossiping about the latest fashions or some shit? Or mooning over flowers?"
The mention of flowers made Venus blush to the roots of her hair.
Sailor Moon winced at Venus. "Minako-chan..."
"DAIMON HYPODERMIC NEEDLE VACCINATE! YOU NEED A SHOT OF INFLUENZA!" Plunja cackled.
A storm of murky green needles flew at the Senshi. Venus threw herself onto the ground, landing on her forearms and gracing them with a nice wide gash. Sailor Moon flung herself to the side, flattening her face to the wall. Mars and Mercury dodged behind a reception desk while Jupiter shot herself into a corner, pulling a terrified Chibimoon with her.
"Do you think ... my flower… will have a flat forehead now?" Venus whimpered from the floor.
"NOT THE TIME, MINAKO-CHAN!" Mars blazed.
A pink figure emerged in front of the daimon preparing her next attack.
"Nobody doctors me with questionable equipment!" Sailor Chibimoon pulled out her small weapon adorned with hearts and cried, "PINK SUGAR HEART ATTACK!"
Pink hearts radiated from Chibimoon's wand with a pretty tinkling sound. Plunja stared as the saccharine hearts thunked against its glass tubing, and then evaporated in pink shimmers.
"Jesus, for real?" it asked the youngest Senshi incredulously. "The green-skirted skank at least cracked my syringe."
"I AM NOT A SKANK!" Jupiter roared, needled by the needle. "THIS IS THE STANDARD-ISSUE UNIFORM!"
At the same time, Chibimoon snapped, "Don't jab at me. I'm working on it!" She stamped her foot indignantly.
"Hey!" a voice yelled from Chibimoon's right.
"Eh?" Plunja and Chibimoon turned around to see a disgruntled Venus.
"You may be responsible for my... flower's... deformities with your unethical and hygienically questionable practices!" Venus pointed a white-gloved finger at her bewildered opponent. Jupiter and Mercury exchanged puzzled glances. "In the name of Venus, love, hygiene, and safe-" she quickly spared a glance at an attentive Chibimoon again, "-gardening practices, I will punish you!"
She raised her arms in preparation of her attack and yowled, "Venus Love Me Chain!"
A golden chain encircled the daimon's glass waist, attempting to strangle it into a crystal shower of glass. Instead, its waist bulged at the 4 ml mark and its contents of thick, putrid yellow liquid (complete with blood-red and moss-green grains) exploded onto the Senshi.
The sailor-suited heroes shrieked as the oozy substance streamed down their bodies (and oh, how it stained their pristine white bodices!), but the real fun began when they inhaled the malodorous fumes, for those colored grains contained magical airborne disease—the sort meant to incapacitate, not kill.
They affected each girl differently: Moon started sneezing violently, while Jupiter hiccupped uncontrollably. Mercury's eyes streamed, blinding her, and Venus moaned as her eardrums throbbed in time to her heartbeat. Chibiusa broke out in hives, making her dance a desperate jig to relieve the painful itching. Mars, however, didn't suffer a new ailment, but rather an intensification of her existing migraine—caused by stupid blonde girls and maybe babies and lecherous relations—and suddenly her outrage at the day's events boiled over.
Mars spun around in a mess of stench, ooze, and putrid bits. Chunks of sticky yellow substance flew from her hair as she whipped around to glare at a sniffling Sailor Moon and a wailing Venus muffling her ears in agony.
"You stop that crying before it gets you into more trouble, Mi-na-ko!" Mars shouted, the throbbing in her temples increasing with every word. "And you!" She leveled her stare at the leaking Sailor Moon, and growled, "My fucking head is about to explode and spew brain fragments, which are on fire from the sheer stupidity of this day, and you're down because of a runny nose? Get up, or so help me, God, I will give you something to cry about!"
Sallor Venus and Sailor Moon blinked. Sailor Venus bit her lip and weakly protested, "Rei-chan, how will crying get me into more-"
"BECAUSE I'LL THROW YOU AT THE FUCKING DAIMON IF YOU DON'T STOP!" Mars hollered as she prepared to attack the recovering daimon. ("HEY! I have a name, you racist!" Plunja screeched in the background.)
"Fine! Okay!" Venus wiped her eyes as she staggered upwards, rapidly motioning for Sailor Moon to do the same.
Jupiter, between hiccups, demanded, "W-what is g-go-going ON with y-you th-three?!"
Mercury, however, was ignoring group politics. Wiping in vain at her saturated cheeks, she glanced down at the floor. The nurse-Kagome Takahashi-was prone on the floor, her life crystal glowing above her body. She liked Kagome; the girl was only four or five years older than she was, and very good with the patients. Wondering where her mother was in the mayhem, she decided that Mars' "pep talk" was taking too long.
Raising her hands, she glowered at the daimon—at least she tried to, opening her wet, puffy eyes as wide as they'd go. "In the name of Mercury, I will punish you! You're a medical malpractice lawsuit waiting to happen, and you're guilty of sucking in the court of public opinion. Oh, and also? You soaked me, I soak you, but not in the fun sexy way. SHINE AQUA ILLUSION, BIAAAAATCH!"
While Plunja choked as Mercury's attack drenched it in frigid water, Jupiter insisted on knowing the truth. "Y-ou're act-acting like o-one o-of you got infec-ted with the pl-plague, o-one of y-you is r-respon-sible, and the o-ther is a sl-slut!"
"Two out of three right," Mars muttered.
"REI-CHAN!" Venus protested.
Meanwhile, the daimon sputtered up shards of ice and stumbled to her full height, gearing up to attack her bickering opponents until-
"Minakochanaccidentallygotknockedup," Sailor Moon blurted out.
"One of you is pregnant?!" Plunja gasped in mid-attack-pose.
"It was dark!" Venus spat back.
"It usually is!" Jupiter snarled.
"Did you take a test? Do you know for sure?" Mercury asked, sounding dazed.
"Well, not yet, but-"
"You're pregnant?" Chibimoon frowned up at Venus.
Venus, taken aback at the pink-haired girl's tone and expression, said defensively, " Who are YOU to judge ME, you cotton candy-haired freak show? I could be a good mother! No-I could be a GREAT MOTHuhhhhh..." she moaned pathetically, as her ears throbbed.
"Yes," Chibimoon drawled, "I can see that you're able to set aside your own discomfort for the life of another!"
"Hey!" Plunja shouted. "I don't know if you've forgotten, but this is supposed to be about me!"
"SHUT UP!" Mars barked at the daimon and closed her eyes, ignoring the pounding in her head. "We don't even know for sure if Minako-chan is pregnant."
"Stop using that word!" hissed a brightly red Venus.
"It's the right one, isn't it?!" Mars sneered.
Moon looked down at her not-yet daughter, and felt disturbed by the sheer maniacal glee on her little face. "Chibiusa, maybe you should-"
"NO! I want to hear!"
Plunja, for its part, was sick of this shit. "DAIMON TOXIN DOUBLE DISEASE PUFFY PUS EXPLODE!" Ribbons of corrosive liquid swirled towards the Senshi, soaking each girl in searing pain and stimulating infection.
Mars, who received her dose of nasty right in the eyes, prayed that the pain would be enough to wipe her brain clean and send her into welcoming black oblivion. Just as her vision started bleeding grey—'C'mon, Team Unconsciousness!' she rooted-Mars swore she saw the petals of a cherry blossom blow across the floor. And did she hear the distant strains of a violin? "I'm losing it," she whispered woefully.
Yet, if she was, the others were, too, for Moon could smell the sweet fragrance of flowers and Jupiter heard music-but it was the staccato rhythm of boot heels on tile. Mercury opened her tear-swollen eyes in time to see the blurry swirl of a teal-colored skirt before she heard two of the most beautiful words ever uttered: "DEEP SUBMERGE!"
The resulting torrent of saltwater swept the daimon up and smashed it against a wall. While it was down, a husky-yet-feminine voice roared, "WORLD SHAKING!" As Jupiter watched the spinning sphere of energy whirl past her, all she could think was, "Daimon bad, ball pretty."
Smirking at the incapacitated daimon, Uranus turned a gimlet eye to Moon. "Hey, idiot, are you going to finish that thing off or not?"
Moon wailed, "OH, DAMMIT, I KNEW YOU WOULD CALL ME AN IDIOT AGAIN! DIDN'T I SAY SO, REI-CHAN, HUH, HUH?! MY HEART IS GOING BLACK WITH THIS BESMIRCHING OF MY INNOCENT, RIGHTEOUS CHARACTER!"
("You're not exactly disproving my point," Uranus said, dryly.)
Mars squeezed her eyes shut as she heard Sailor Moon sniff, sneeze, and wheeze while positioning herself in front of the daimon and away from a disappointed Chibimoon (who had hoped she'd be able to get more information detailing Venus's situation, but there was time. Oh, yes-s-s-s, there was always time).
"Rei-chan, are you okay?" Mars opened her eyes and saw Venus staring down at her with a mixed expression of concern and bewilderment.
"Moon Spiral Heart Att-ATCHOOOO!" There was a dull thud as knees hit the floor.
"Hurry up!" Uranus snapped. "I have better women—I mean, things, THINGS—to do! That's meant in a non-sexualized context and perfectly acceptable for little ears!"
'Black out now, black out now,' a desperate Mars prayed silently, but mumbled aloud, "I'm fine, Minako-chan, just help Usagi-chan."
"DAIMON RADIATION…"
"But I think I felt a kick!"
"Moon Spiral..."
'If you have any love for me at all,' Mars pleaded to the heavens as Moon's rising decibels amplified her head's throbbing to excruciating levels, 'let this day be over forever, and place Minako-chan in a chastity belt with the key snapped inside the lock!'
"TOXIC ABSORPTION!"
"...HEART ATTACK!"
Mars let out a grateful cry as darkness overwhelmed her vision.
In that same instant, Plunja shrieked as a heart-shaped field of energy enveloped its body. The intense dual sensation of compassion and doom seeped into its every fiber, dissolving it from the inside out with a morbid ecstasy. Unable to contain its euphoria, the daimon cried out, "LOVELY!" with its dying breath, fragmenting into thousands of pink shards before fading from the earthly plane.
"Do you ever get the impression that daimons have a really good time as they bite the dust?" Neptune asked no one in particular.
"I dunno, but I think it'd be cool if our next battle was set to a Queen soundtrack," Uranus opined. "Our theme would be 'We Will Rock You,' naturally."
'Ha! Obviously, you failed science,' Mercury thought. 'Only the inner planets have rocky cores!'
When Plunja disappeared, so did the Inner Senshi's ailments. Mercury sighed in relief as her abused eyes dried up, while Jupiter sucked in a deep breath without feeling her diaphragm spasm. Chibimoon's skin cleared without so much as a scratch-you-later, while Moon and Venus shared goofy, pain-free grins.
Only Mars did not join in the joy, having passed out. With a frown—seriously, did this chick ever smile?—Uranus knelt by Mars' side, laying her fingers against the younger woman's throat. "Yup, still alive," Uranus declared in a flat tone. Moon couldn't tell if her sandy-haired compatriot was pleased or disappointed (and she often wondered how Neptune could tell the difference, but decided that now wasn't the time to ask).
Mercury restored Kagome's soul crystal to its rightful place. A faint aura hovered around the nurse's body as she regained consciousness. Kagome opened her eyes to see Ami Mizuno hovering over her.
"Oh, thank goodness you're all right, Kagome-san!" Ami exclaimed, squeezing the nurse's hand. Looking over her shoulder at Usagi, she said, "We need to find my mother. She should examine Kagome-san and Rei-chan, and she can tell us where to get a… 'flower-pot test,' was it, Minako-chan?"
Minako burned scarlet for the bazillionth time that afternoon as Michiru and Haruka gave her sharp looks, the kind that said, you haven't fooled us, and that's a really lame euphemism.
Grimacing, Kagome put a hand to her chest and complained, "I don't know what happened here, but I feel like someone ripped my heart out."
Makoto muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "You have NO idea."
FINIS!