Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin or the song 'Jar of Hearts' by Christina Perri.
Summary: "Who do you think you are?" There was pain and disgust in his eyes. "I learned to live half alive and now you want me one more time?" (Slash!)
AN: I have never before tried this, but I tried to use parts of the lyrics to this song in the actual story. Yep, it's slash between Arthur and Merlin (nothing graphic, only mention of it), so if you don't like, don't read. To everyone else: enjoy. I hope it'll be liked.
Jar of Hearts
Merlin had been Arthur's servant for many years. He was loyal, caring and kind. In the beginning, it had started like any other relationship: friendship. They had not cared for anything else. They laughed together, talked about the most stupid things and they knew they could trust each other. Since a few months, however, it had all started to change.
Arthur had changed.
Merlin had changed as well, he had to admit it to himself.
Whenever they were alone together, they found themselves pulled towards each other. They shared intense glances. They had moments of stolen touches which could never last long. At first it had been awkward and wonderful at the same time. Then it had grown into more and it had become familiar, ordinary. They didn't even have to think about it anymore. It just happened.
No one knew. No one could know. This was their secret and theirs alone. It made everything more exiting, more thrilling. The sneaking around, the double meaning of words when others were around. No one had even the faintest clue. But time passed and Merlin couldn't help noticing how their glances became more intense, as if everything had another meaning suddenly. There were emotions in Arthur's eyes that the young sorcerer could no longer recognize.
Merlin had not paid it any more attention, though. Perhaps he had refused to see it or perhaps he denied what he saw. The evidence had been there, but Merlin had looked away from it. He had looked the other way and after a while, he had started to run away from it. It could not be. Arthur could not be like this.
It had come to a day, where Merlin had grown tired of seeing the Prince. There was so much tension, so much left unsaid that it pressed down on Merlin like a heavy weight making it difficult for him to breathe. And then that day had come, that one dreadful day where Arthur had confessed to him what he had done. How he had slept with another woman, with Gwen. Merlin knew he should not have been foolish. Of course Arthur would meet a woman. Hell, one day he'd even marry have children! Merlin could never be anything more than a temporary lover.
Still, he had cried. Not before the Prince, though. He had told Arthur he didn't mind, that he didn't care, but what he had truly felt was beyond anything he had ever felt before. His heart had shattered into pieces, his thoughts had become numb. For days, weeks even, he had been the laziest servant ever, the most unpleasant company. Getting over Arthur had been the hardest thing he had ever done.
-o-o-
Weeks had passed, months even, and Merlin had gone back to his old life. He still served the Prince, but they had become distant again. Merlin made sure he did not touch Arthur unless necessary. He brought him his food and helped him get dressed, but nothing more. Every other chore he did when the Prince was not around. Merlin had settled into his new life and it all become ordinary once more.
But every day, when he saw Arthur and Gwen together, stealing glances from each other as the relationship between a Prince and a servant girl was impossible, Merlin died a little inside. He always looked away. Why bother hurting himself even more? Gaius noticed of course, but he said nothing. Sometimes, Merlin wondered if Arthur even cared about his emotions at all. Why else would he flirt so openly and so hidden at the same time?
-o-o-
It was Morgana who had told Merlin that Gwen and Arthur were no longer together. Morgana had said it so casually that it obviously hadn't come as a surprise to her. Merlin had not able to say anything about it. He had only left Morgana in her chambers and hurried back to Gaius. He needed to be alone because the next few days wouldn't be easy. Arthur was probably a wreck because Merlin could tell that he had cared deeply for Gwen.
But when he first saw Arthur again, the Prince was smiling. He even laughed. For a moment, Merlin suspected it was all pretence, but it was very genuine. He wanted to slap the Prince because obviously, he cared little for what had happened. Gwen was still Merlin's friend, however, and he knew her well enough to know that she was devastated.
"It wasn't like we were meant to be," Arthur defended himself when Merlin had asked him about the break-up. "It was fun for a little while."
Merlin could not believe what he heard. All this time, he had thought that Arthur was kind, that he was a good man. In stead, he only just discovered that he was a true prat, using people the way he wanted to. For the first time in years, Merlin felt repulsed by Arthur.
"She loved you," Merlin said, his voice hard. He wanted to walk away from him, he wanted to be as far away as possible. This was not the man he knew. This was someone else entirely.
Arthur rose from his seat and walked towards Merlin. The young servant motioned to move away, but the Prince caught his wrist, preventing him from leaving. "Don't be upset," Arthur said, gazing into Merlin's eyes.
"Let me go," Merlin said, his voice hoarse. His breath was trapped inside his chest.
"Merlin," Arthur smiled his most disarming smile, "it is you I want. Only you."
Merlin shook his head. He would not fool himself or walk into Arthur's trap. "Who do you think you are?" There was pain and disgust in his eyes. "I learned to live half alive and now you want me one more time?"
Arthur said nothing, his smile having disappeared. "You know we had something special," he said, letting go of Merlin's wrist now, "and I know you want it back as well."
"No," Merlin stumbled back, "I can't take one more step towards you," he could feel how his mended heart was already starting to break again, "because all that's waiting is regret."
"You don't mean that," Arthur said. He motioned to move towards Merlin again, but the servant lifted his hand, making him come to a stop.
"You had me," he said softly, pushing back his tears, "and you lost me. Don't come back to me."
"Merlin." Arthur sighed. There was sorrow in his eyes, but Merlin knew better than to give in. Arthur only wanted that which he couldn't have and now he could not have Merlin. The young sorcerer would not give him what he wanted. He refused to be toyed with. "I miss you."
Merlin turned away from Arthur and closed his eyes. One tear rolling down his cheek. "And I wished I had missed the first time that we kissed."
-o-o-
The end.