"Hey, what the hell happened in here, another hurricane?"
Nicky sounded amused but her voice didn't reflect the concern that she actually felt. The sigh that greeted her when she walked into Lorna and Boo's cube was indicative of a catastrophe in progress which she knew was already too big for her to handle.
Lorna sat on the edge of her bed, staring blankly at the opposite wall, hands resting limply by her sides. Her face was flushed and her breathing rapid. On her bed, the floor and her table were crinkled, ripped pieces of paper. Nicky picked up a piece and upon seeing the word "Bora" sighed and headed towards Lorna's bed to sit next to her. Without even looking at her Lorna shook her head and held out a trembling palm to keep her friend at bay.
"Stay away from me." Her voice was suprisingly composed for her apparent agitation.
"You gotta clean up this mess before a guard comes around. And if Boo sees your cube like this..."
"Shut up, Nichols." Nicky ran a hand through her wild mane of hair and rolled her eyes toward the ceiling, sighing heavily. She then shrugged and threw her hands in the air and backed slowly towards the doorway.
"Okay. Fine. Have it your way. I'll be back later to ask how you feel about getting a shot."
Nicky swung out of the doorway and out of sight, but she didn't go far. She tried to stifle a pang of guilt but she couldn't shake it. That little brunnette, with all her racism and naivety and optimism and dreams that were obviously all made up had seared herself into her heart and she couldn't get her out. She couldn't stop caring about her. And it was obvious that she needed her now. Like it or not, Nicky Nichols was going to be on her case.
Lorna still sat on her bed, her breathing still heavy, hands still by her sides. Her mind was racing and she couldn't make it stop.
Psycho. Mental case. Fucking stalker. Fucking dangerous. Psycho bitch.
Christopher was right.
No. Nobody's gonna love me.
I do.
There was no way Nicky could've meant what she said. How could she? She was worthless. No one was ever going to love her. Nicky knew her for who she really was now. And who was she?
Psycho. Mental case. Fucking stalker. Fucking dangerous. Psycho bitch.
She didn't deserve love. She deserved to be ignored. Rejected. Love was for princesses in fairy tales. There was no prince to sweep her off her feet. No prince to wake her from this nightmare with a kiss. No Tony to sing sweet songs in the moonlight to her about a better place.
But there was Nicky Nichols.
She wasn't the prince of Lorna's dreams. But she was there. And she said she loved her. She had made the poster that now lay in pieces at Lorna's feet. She was always there for her, even after they'd stopped being physically intimate. Whenever she fell apart, Nicky was there to catch her and put her back together with a hug and some comforting words. But why? She knew exactly what kind of person she was; a crazy person. How could she love a broken girl with stupid fantasies?
Lorna swallowed a lump in her throat and moved towards the doorway, glancing furtively around to see if there were any guards or other inmates in the area. She was surprised to see Nicky leaning against the wall just outside her cube.
"Hey Nichols... I need to talk to you." Her voice was timid. Nicky looked almost relieved upon hearing her voice.
"Alright."
The two women sat on Lorna's bed. Lorna played with the hem of her shirt nervously and Nicky bounced one leg up and down in an equally nervous manner.
"You're gonna get in trouble if you don't clean up your cube."
Lorna nodded, still fidgiting with her khakis. Nicky studied her hands for a moment, and the silence grew thicker by the second. Finally, the silence was broken.
"Why did you say you loved me?" Lorna's voice sounded small and almost frightened, almost like she was afraid of the answer to her question. Nicky's words on the stairs had comforted her at the time, but afterwards she'd reflected on them and felt as though she said what she said just to make her feel better. She couldn't have meant them.
Nicky had always felt protective of Lorna. When they first met in prison Lorna was scared and lost. Nicky knew that she was scared of her at first, but as time went on they built trust and friendship and physical intimacy. Now the physical intimacy was gone, but the trust and friendship remained. Nicky had a lot of friends in the Litch. She'd also had sex with a ton of girls there. But Lorna was different. She made her feel like there was still some good left in the world. Nicky looked at the world and saw things for how they really were. Most of the time things were pretty bleak. She used to drown out everything with heroin and other drugs, but in prison she drowned things out with music, sex and whatever else would drown out reality. After getting to Litch and getting clean, almost every thought every day about about heroin. Then she met Lorna, and slowly, without even realizing it, her thoughts became occupied with her more and more. The way her hair bobbed when she nodded her head, that bright red lipstick that she wore, the way she always stuffed her mouth with whatever food was in front of her like she was never going to eat again... the way she was always planning her stupid honeymoon and wedding and talking about that fucking Christopher... but in spite of everything, Nicky just couldn't get her out of her head. She was addicted to Lorna Morello and there was nothing she could do about it.
"Because I do." Nicky's rough voice sounded as gentle now as it had on the stairs. And Nicky meant her words just as much. Tears rose in Lorna's eyes and she shook her head vehemently.
"You're just saying that." Her voice was saturated with self-loathing.
"Listen, kid. I don't know what I need to do to convince you that I'm being perfectly honest. You fucking aggravate me sometimes. I fucking love you, and I can't fucking help it."
A sob escaped Lorna's throat and she broke down sobbing and clung to Nicky, her fingers grasping her khakis so hard that it hurt but Nicky didn't even care.
"You're not going to leave me?"
"Of course not, kid."
Nicky rubbed Lorna's back as she cried into her chest, silent sobs shaking her body. All she could do was hold her until it was over like she had done so many times before. Every time, she felt completely insufficient, like she was putting a bandaid on a wound that only got deeper with time as Lorna grew more and more self-aware and her fantasy of true love dissipated while harsh reality took its place.
After a few minutes of quiet sobbing, Lorna slowly slipped out of Nicky's arms and sat up, taking in a few deep breaths in an effort to gain some composure. Tears still slid down her cheeks and dripped down her chin. Nicky got up and grabbed a tissue pack that sat on top of Lorna's cabinet and pressed it into her hand. Lorna's eyes studied the floor and she pushed a piece of crumpled paper around with her foot. She dabbed her eyes with a tissue and then stood up shakily.
"Gotta get this cleaned up." Nicky nodded and carefully studied her as she began collecting the papers that she'd scattered around the room. Suddenly, Lorna stopped and looked over at Nicky.
"I'm really sorry, Nichols... it was a really nice poster. I just couldn't..." She looked liked she was going to start crying again.
"Hey, it's fine. Just a waste of space anyway. Let me help with this."
Nicky felt a lump rise in her throat as she collected the torn poster pieces. She recalled how she'd originally put her face over "Christopher's" face but before giving it to Lorna had replaced it with a guy's face. She smiled wryly.
"It was a nice poster."