Kagami storms into the club room fifteen minutes before club even starts, stopping right in front of the chair Alma is attempting to fall asleep in.
"Fine!" he snaps, jolting Alma out of his hazy daydreams about Ruri and rocks and living somewhere without crazy people.
Alma rubs his eyes with the back of his hand and looks up at Kagami. It's not like he doesn't hear this from Kagami every day, but usually Kagami has the decency to only yell at him after they've been arguing.
"What'd I do?" Alma asks.
Kagami adjusts his glasses to the optimal position on his nose (reflecting light directly down into Alma's eyes) before answering. "I have decided," he says dramatically, "to allow you to date milady Ruri."
"Uh, thanks, dude," says Alma, scratching his head. "I didn't know I needed your permission, but..."
"I'm not done talking. You must accept my condition: I will chaperone your dates with milady Ruri in order to make sure you are behaving in a manner befitting a gentleman."
He stares Alma down, looking as deadly serious as he does when fighting Darkstones. His glasses are starting to slip. Alma sighs, wondering how he's supposed to respond to this. He needs Ruri around to explain her butler's weirdness to him.
Finally he says, "No offense, man, but that's kind of creepy."
"Does this mean you don't wish to date milady?" demands Kagami.
"No, it just- Look, I'll tell Ruri what you said, and if she wants to call you up before we go out that's fine with me. It's just weird, Kagami."
Kagami looks at him like he's the one being a weirdo. "I'll be seeing you," he says darkly.
"Why'd you even give me permission if you're just going to be pissed off about it?" complains Alma. He settles back into his chair, hoping to get some uninterrupted sleep this time. There have been way too many interruptions in his life ever since he met them.
Ruri is completely unsurprised by Kagami's plan, having been around him almost her entire life. "Look at it this way," she explains. "At least he won't send the girls in to infiltrate every place we go, or put bugs in my hair ribbons. More than usual, I mean."
"You do know your life makes no sense, right?"
"Yes," says Ruri.
"Okay, just checking." Alma sighs. "So I was thinking about asking you to go to a cafe downtown with me. I know it's not as fancy as the places you're used to going, but I think it'd be fun to hang out in a cafe with you."
"That would be wonderful, Alma!" says Ruri, her eyes shining. As she clasps his hand and beams, he can almost pretend they have a normal relationship without ninja meido and psycho butlers.
Alma picks the pinkest cafe he can find, since he's sure girliness and fluff will make Ruri happy. She already dresses like a tiny, frilly doll; this kind of place will probably make her feel right at home. Sure enough, she's smiling happily at him as they sit down on the cushions provided.
The only problem is Kagami. He's sitting several tables away, but still within hearing distance. Alma is pretty sure the guy hasn't stopped staring at them since they sat down. He even watches them over the rim of his coffee cup whenever he takes a drink.
"He looks kind of lonely, don't you think?" says Ruri, stirring yet another cube of sugar into her tea.
"He looks like a creep who's going to get thrown out of the cafe," says Alma. "I don't know why we ever agreed to this. It's weird."
"Let's invite him over," suggests Ruri.
When Alma's reaction is close to abject horror, all she does is laugh, one hand delicately covering her mouth. "Why not? If he's sitting with us, he won't be lonely and he won't look creepy. Plus, you can keep an eye on him without having to turn around all the time."
"All right," says Alma, standing up. "Just for you, Ruri. And if the waitress comes back before I can convince him, tell her I want ranch on my salad."
Ruri waves just the tips of her fingers at him and takes another tiny sip.
"Yes, Tandoji?"
Kagami is looking at him like he's the one with a problem. Since Alma is just going on a goddamn date with his girlfriend and isn't the one stalking another guy, he sighs and tries to ignore Kagami.
"Ruri says you look lonely," he forces out. "She wanted me to ask if you want to come sit with us and stop lurking in the corner. You don't have to if you don't want to."
To his surprise - and displeasure, because jeez - Kagami stands. "I will accompany milady Ruri," he says, picking up his cup of coffee. "This has nothing do to with you, I assure you."
"Good," says Alma.
"You two look so grumpy," says Ruri when they return to the table.
Kagami, nursing his coffee, doesn't answer. "I don't know if this is going to make him any less lonely," says Alma. All Ruri does is smile sweetly.
When their food arrives, the waitress seems unsurprised by the addition to the table and just takes Kagami's order as well. Ruri smiles and thanks her, and when the woman has turned away, she starts picking apart her sandwich.
"I really don't like tomatoes on sandwiches," she says when she catches Alma staring. "They're too smushy. I would usually ask to have them removed, but I thought I would eat like a 'normal person' today."
Alma sighs. "Here, give them to me."
Ruri pushes the tomatoes off the sandwich with her fork. They land with a plop on Alma's plate, and Ruri puts her sandwich back together neatly. The only sign that she changed anything is the little pile of tomatoes dripping juice on Alma's food.
"I hate almonds," announces Kagami, scraping the almonds off his own food. They end up on Alma's plate as well.
After that, Alma becomes their unofficial garbage disposal. These chips are so unhealthy - if Ruri eats them, she'll lose her maidenly figure. Kagami's baked squash is covered in brown sugar - if he finishes it off on his own, he'll be eating foods outside his planned diet. All in all, Alma probably ends up eating twice as much as they do.
He gets his revenge on them after their desserts come. Ruri has ordered a massive sundae topped with fruit and chocolate, which she is only too happy to share with him. Kagami buys a slice of flourless chocolate cake, which he would have eaten on his own if Alma hadn't reached over and stolen a bite.
"What are you doing, Tandoji?" snaps Kagami.
"What? You seemed fine with me eating your food earlier."
This time he doesn't even use his fork, just picks up a piece of chocolate decorating the cake with his fingers because he knows it'll piss Kagami off more. Kagami glares at him and his hand forms a fist on the table, but with Ruri laughing behind her hand and egging Alma on, he can't do anything. Alma feels much better now. He can relax and actually enjoy himself for the rest of the date, excepting the time Kagami notices that he's holding hands with Ruri under the table and kicks him.
Alma takes Ruri mini-golfing after school one day, because he heard her talking to Wakana about how she used to play when she was a child. He carries her bridal-style between courses and rescues her hot pink golf balls whenever they fall into water hazards. That doesn't happen often, though. Ruri is much better than Alma, because of practice or because he's so tall he can't even use the longest available golf club properly.
Even Kagami lurking several holes behind can't ruin the mood. He had to pay to get in, just like everyone else, but he isn't actually playing golf. All he's doing is carrying his golf club around while he stalks them. Several times, he walks through the landscaped grounds instead of following the neatly marked paths.
"Oi, can't you read the damn signs?" calls Alma when Kagami gets close to them.
Kagami very studiously ignores him up until the second-to-last hole, which Ruri clears in about two strokes and Alma spends five minutes struggling with. He's about to give up and just drop the ball into the hole when Kagami emerges from behind a hedge shaped like a dolphin and informs him that his grip is terrible.
"Yeah?" says Alma. "Come over here where I can see your face and try saying that again."
Kagami actually does come over. In fact, he plants himself right in front of Alma, so he's between him and Ruri. He isn't all that tall, but he manages to block Ruri from Alma's view. When she says "you have a bunch of leaves stuck to your shoulder," it sounds almost like it's coming from Kagami.
For what Alma can only assume must be the first time in his life, Kagami ignores Ruri. "I'll show you how it's done," he says, hefting his golf club like a weapon.
Alma is worried about Kagami trying to beat him up with it, but then Kagami just tosses it away.
"You need to hold it like this," he says calmly.
Instead of using his own club, or even borrowing Alma's, he somehow decided that the best way to teach Alma what to do would be to stand behind him and manually move his hands where he wanted them. Alma is, let's say, less than thrilled with this. First Kagami follows him on dates, and now he's getting all up in his space.
Alma isn't actually against dudes getting in his personal space (as a true man, he'll have a relationship with anyone as long as they're pretty), but he minds Kagami getting in his space while he's trying to date his girlfriend like a normal person. He tries to get Kagami off him, but even his size can't beat Kagami's years of martial arts training. Finally he gives up and uses his words.
"Dude, what the hell are you doing?"
"Showing you," replies Kagami. "Stop squirming."
Kagami is a surprisingly good teacher, explaining things in his logical manner so that they make perfect sense. He teaches Alma how to mini-golf properly in just a few minutes. Alma relaxes in spite of himself, sharing exasperated looks with Ruri every time Kagami complains.
"It's like you two are going on a date!" says Ruri.
Alma and Kagami jump apart until there's at least a meter of space between them and glare at her. When Ruri stops laughing and lowers her hand from her mouth, her beatific smile is almost enough to make Alma forgive her. Almost.
Ruri learns from one of Wakana's friends that while it's better to let your boyfriend make moves, once you're dating it's okay to suggest places to go on dates. So she invites Alma over to watch a movie with her. "And Kagami will be there," she warns him over the phone. "He lives in my house, you know."
"Your house is the size of a hotel," says Alma. "He could stay on the other side of the house and we'd never even have to see him."
"But he won't," says Ruri. "Hey, Alma."
"Yeah?"
"Does it really bother you?" He can hear the worry in her voice even over the phone. For all that Ruri is dumb about the real world, she's always completely sincere. "I could talk to him, if you wanted..."
Alma has to stop and think about this. It doesn't bother him, honestly. It's Kagami being Kagami. Ever since he met the guy he knew he'd end up doing something stupid like this. But it's so pointless when he knows Alma can protect Ruri just as well as he can.
Plus, Alma wouldn't even mind it if Kagami came along on dates with them as an equal third. Anything as long as he's not creeping on them from the bushes. But he's bad enough at communicating things; how the hell is he supposed to tell his girlfriend that he'd be okay with basically dating her butler as well as her?
"No, it doesn't really bother me," he says after a while. "I just wish we could get him to be less of a creep about it, you know?"
"I know," says Ruri.
Alma checks the shadows for butlers lurking there almost the moment he steps into Ruri's house. Then he wonders why this is such an ingrained response for him. He could be looking for Ruri, or for people who aren't lurkers, but no. He has to check for Kagami to make sure he isn't about to do something ridiculous.
Fortunately, Ruri is the first person to appear in the spacious main hall.
"Hi, Alma!" she chirps, dashing over and hugging him. "I had the girls make popcorn. Is that right?"
"Yeah," says Alma. "Popcorn is movie food. Good job, Ruri."
Ruri beams and starts leading him down one of the massive hallways of her house. "Do you have a preference for our choice of movies?"
"Whatever makes you happy," says Alma. "You can pick girly romance crap and I'll watch it as long as you like it."
Ruri does end up picking some girly movie about a dumb chick who falls in love with another dumb chick and they have dumb babies somehow. It's surprisingly funny, and touching at parts, and Alma doesn't tear up even a little because he has to be able to hand Ruri tissues.
Except just like with all their dates, Kagami ruins it with his stalking. Today is worse than usual, even. Kagami is hiding very badly outside the door to the room - badly because the door is open and the lights on his comlink are glowing red. It's been driving Alma nuts ever since he noticed it.
"I see you, Kagami," he calls when the movie starts playing some unimportant montage.
Kagami shuffles backwards. Alma can't see his outline anymore, but the red light is still glaring at him.
"I can still see you."
Ruri pauses the movie, apparently deciding that what's going on right next to her is more interesting than frolicking lesbians. Kagami walks into the room with them and stops within a foot of the doorway.
"What," he says.
Alma sighs and tries to hit his head against the wall. Sadly, the couch he and Ruri are sitting on extends halfway up the wall, and all he succeeds in doing is smushing the back of his head into the couch.
"Jeez," he says. "Look, just come over here and sit on the couch."
Kagami sits on the very edge of the couch, his legs crossed like a schoolgirl. It'd be cute on Ruri, but she's snuggled up to Alma with her legs tucked underneath her.
"I don't have cooties," says Alma, sliding his arm around Kagami's shoulders and pulling him back into the couch. Kagami lets him do it, although he's still not as cute or snuggly as Ruri.
"Okay, now you can keep an eye on her without being creepy about it."
Ruri turns the movie back on and reaches for one of Kagami's hands. The three of them watch the movie together: Kagami being vaguely uncomfortable about the whole thing, Ruri twining their hands together and leaving them on Alma's lap, and Alma hugging them both.
He should probably be more concerned about all of this than he is, but honestly, this is one of the most normal things to happen in his life recently. At least with this he doesn't have to worry about dying, or anything happening to Ruri, or his powers. All he has to do is watch a movie with his... his Ruri and Kagami.
He has no idea what they are to each other anymore. He'll ask Ruri when the movie is over and Kagami is out of earshot. Alma has a feeling Kagami wouldn't actually want to be anyone's boyfriend. For now they're all just friends, and that's all that matters.