Chapter One: In the wake of betrayal

It began where Kirkwall, as we knew it, fell. Before the Chantry's ashes had cooled the Knight-Commander and First Enchanter were at one another's throats. Amidst their bickering and Sebastian's nonsensical drivel about demanding revenge, I had eyes only for him. The mage shrouded in a crimson light, stood in disbelief as he drank in the devastation before him. Only on one other occasion had I seen him so sad, and of that I would rather not speak. Rounded ears heard the sounds of a dozen screams, honey-coloured eyes watched as ash-rain fell from the Heavens as if Andraste wept black tears for what had been done. All this time he said nothing, not until their eyes pulled at him. Like children with a ragdoll they tried to make him theirs, forcing him to pick a side. How foolish. How could he pick a side when he knew full well the faults and praises of both mages and Templars? It had taken Hawke seven long years to help reform my way of thinking towards mages and their gifts, but in those years he had seen and suffered much at the hands of his magical kin.

'I don't want to get involved.' He waved his hands gently, trying desperately to defuse the hopeless situation.

'You already are.' Meredith retorted.

'Then know I cannot stand by as you murder innocents. I stand with the mages.'

His voice silenced all others, and for a moment I felt strange. Fear washed over me as I realised what was to come. The man I loved was going to die for mages, the very creatures who had darkened my waking hours and deprived me of my nights. For a moment all of Hawke's reassuring words, all his promises about how mages were mostly good people, fell on deafened ears. Bile rose in my throat as a memory came unbidden: She kicked the bowl out of my radius, and I had to watch as my first meal in a week soaked into the stone flooring. I didn't get long to mourn, another swift boot connected with my ribs. Her laughter pierced the air like the squall of a gull, and then her hands flickered with purple lightning, sending the bolts straight into my unguarded back.

'Hawke,' my voice shook as I spoke, 'if you choose this path, I do not know that I can walk it with you.'

'Fenris.' He looked more weary than he had been in weeks; his skin streaked with ash made him look older than he was. He furrowed his brow and in those eyes I saw his heart quiver, but a word from breaking. An ache bloomed in my chest. 'You were a slave. How can condemn them to this?'

'I-' As the broken look threatened to shatter him, I regained control of myself. My fear was trying to rule me as it had when I was a boy, when I was a slave and nothing more than Danarius' pet. With new determination I looked to him, not with anger or fury but with a gentle regret. 'You are right, I am at your side in this.'

I walked to stand beside him as others made their voices known, all stood by Hawke - our friend and Champion. On Meredith's words war between the two factions was officially declared, and before Orsino left he bade the Champion to do as he saw fit with Anders. It is rare these days that Hawke and I do not see eye-to-eye, but on this matter we differed. He had seen too much death already, and though not romantically interested (he assured me) Anders had a place in his heart, as all his friends did. Anders lived on Hawke's kindness, but was banished from his sight. When we finally set to prepare in the tower, Hawke came to me as I was glancing a whetstone over my blade for what I hoped was not the final time.

'Fenris.' He was cleaner now having wiped the ash from his cheeks, but the tiredness I worried would never leave him now.

Placing the blade down with as little noise as I could, I neared him. Perhaps a joke would inspire something in him. 'Here I am, about to defend these mages in hopeless battle. You lead me to strange places, Hawke.'

There with a gentle smile was the man I loved, exactly as he had always been. 'I'll take you to stranger places than this, just watch.'

'A tempting offer.' I couldn't help it. A smirk grew on my face as that warm feeling filled me. It was happening increasingly around Hawke. The idea of loving him brought back the aching of what may happen that night. The image of him laying dead in my arms. I spoke before I had planned what to say, my eyes stinging. 'I may not get the chance to say this again... Meeting you was the most important thing that ever happened to me, Hawke.'

I needed to be closer, to touch him and prove to myself this wasn't the Fade. The fool in me wished I would wake with him in my arms, that he would laugh and point out all the silly signs that what I'd seen was a dream. The slave was terrified I'd awaken to my windowless room, the iron collar about my neck and Hadriana's cackles echoing towards the door. I placed my hand upon his cheek, and he glanced out of the corner of his eye at the red band I wore on its wrist.

'Promise me you won't die. I can't bear the thought of living without you.'

At this I stood back, retracting myself and allowing him to speak. He answered almost as soon as the silence rose between us.

'I don't make that promise,' determination firing those eyes once more, 'unless you do.'

'Nothing is going to keep me from you.'

Without hesitation I pulled him into my arms and kissed him hard. It seemed my past shake had been forgiven, for he held me just as he had the first time; our embrace nothing but our love for one another, sharing the kiss that we both feared may be our last. Had there not been a battle looming, and all our companions around, I would have been tempted to start with the mage's robe-fastenings. As it turned out the moment was spoiled by me catching Anders out of the corner of my eye, when I momentarily opened them. I will admit, jealously is an ugly thing but it is my demon to bear. I held Hawke closer and closed my eyes, choosing I'd rather enjoy the moment than let the abomination spoil anything else.

We had done it, we had survived thanks to Hawke, though surrounded by stupefied Templars made it a non-too-comfortable victory. Cullen motioned his men to stand back and let us through. Never one to look a gift mount in the mouth, we dispersed like pages on the wind. To my knowledge, each hurried to his or her dwelling, ready to snatch up what they could and race for the docks or the hills. We did not need to second-guess that come morning we would be hunted by civilian and Templar alike. Anders lived, the Champion had spared him, and together we had all brought about the end of the First Enchanter and the Knight-Commander; that they had turned to blood magic and red lyrium didn't matter.

Since the little I owned was already on my person, I followed Hawke back to his manor. When we arrived and saw the broken front door, he began to call for Bodahn and his son, for Orana and his mabari, Niht. The house was still save for the fire still crackling in the hearth. The main room was dark and bore signs of fright and a quick leaving. Sandal's equipment laid out on a table, a rune still half-carved. Plates were dashed on the floor, no doubt where Orana had dropped them at the sound of the Chantry exploding. Leaning my sword against the doorway I watched as Hawke moved over to his desk, sifting quickly through the parchment to see what must be kept. As he worked the firelight caught the side of him, I couldn't help but run my eyes over his form. A new memory came to me, but this one pleasant.

It was my fifth night in Kirkwall, I had acquired the help of a dwarf named Anso in trying to find a mercenary who would act as bait for the slavers who hounded me. It turns out he found the aid of the future Champion of Kirkwall, the man to whom all in need were his family. With a smile ha had agreed to Anso's task, retrieving a box from a warehouse guarded by "thugs". I had watched from the shadows, hoping this man and his strange band would be enough. I lost sight of them when they entered the old Alienage building, and the next fight was a daze of colour and swords; so much so I couldn't be certain who launched what attack, though - to my distaste - there was clearly a mage amongst them. Working my way towards them, I slew my own far share in the streets. Most likely the slaver leader's backup, and it gave me nothing but great pleasure. One got away from me, using the wall as support and leaving a red streak against the stone. Tauntingly I walked behind him, listening to the gasped calls for help.

"Lieutenant! I want everyone in the clearing! Now!"

The call came from the leader as the wounded man finally rounded the corner. The lieutenant garbled something, trying to warn his commander, but it was too late. I brought my blade up and then down across his back. Before he fell I was descending the steps. In anger I had used the markings to dispatch the remaining slaver, and once my temper had cooled I looked to the band who had been tricked into helping me. At the time I would never have admitted it, possibly not even to myself. Now I knew for certain, Hawke was the most handsome man I'd ever met. His amber eyes were wide with surprise as I pulled my gauntlet out of the slaver's chest. I am not certain if he knew what he was doing, but I noticed his look sharply descended and then was brought back to my face. I suppressed a delighted shiver. When I had later discovered Hawke was a mage, it had more than complicated things. Over the next months I'd spent my nights downing my sorrows in Agreggio, trying to sort the war between my mind and my heart, but it was as easy as making allies of Meredith and Orsino. One night something gave, all Hawke's flirtations and his good looks overwhelmed me. Some would blame the wine, I say it was him I was intoxicated with.

'Fenris, you ok?' Hawke had turned round now, a concerned look on his face.

I could still feel his lips on mine, blood rushed to my cheeks. 'Y-Yes, I'm fine. I was thinking I should review my reading whilst you packed.'

I was about to tiptoe over a broken plate when Hawke stepped over it himself and caught me up in his arms. I moved a little, trying to get my body comfortable in his hold. It felt strange having no real control over my legs, them having been draped over his arm like leather and lyrium-etched cloth.

'I am not a woman, Hawke, I can step over pottery by myself.' I chided with a frown.

He huffed and proceeded to carry me over the obstacle. 'You're right, a woman would know to wear shoes to protect her feet from situations like this.'

I rolled my eyes and he placed me back on my feet. My arms entangled round his waist, and his about my shoulders. I leaned against his chest which shook as he chuckled.

'Are you sure you're ok, Fenris?' A hand wound up to stroke my hair. 'You're awfully affectionate tonight.'

'I could have lost you,' I hesitated before adding, 'again.'

He rested his cheek atop my head. 'Fen, you never lost me, we've been over this. You needed time.'

'I was a fool. I needed you, but I was frightened; frightened that the only good thing I'd ever had would be taken from me.'

We were silent then, enjoying the feel of having the other in our arms. Too soon for my liking, Hawke broke the spell.

'Fen,' he tilted my head back to look at me, 'what do we do now?'

That fear must have shown on my face for his kissed my lips chastely and stroked my left ear, running his thumb along to the point to try and soothe me. 'Ease, love. I meant that we can't stay in Kirkwall. The remaining Templars won't be passive forever once they realise I didn't execute Anders. Moreover, the people of Kirkwall will be baying for my blood.'

'Then we run,' I replied, 'to Fereldan... or Orlais, it doesn't matter. We bide our time until we know what to do.'

He smirked. 'This is what you did over Danarius.'

'And it worked, did it not? I got my revenge, and walked away with my life intact. Perhaps you should think of long-term plans more often, Hawke.' I chuckled and brought my hand up to hold his cheek. 'But more importantly, had I not run and had I not bided my time these past years, I would never have met you and I would not know the wonder it is to love.'

'And be loved.' He added for me, smiling gently.

The past gruelling hours faded away. The fatigue and worry, fear and anger melted and transmuted into a simple joy at being alive and in each others' arms once more. Hawke bowed his neck and captured my mouth, I returned the kiss as equally as it was given. Hands came about my back, fussing with the buckles and straps; Hawke was rewarded when my breastplate came away in his hands, and he discarded it to the chair beside us. Behind his back I was trying to remove my gauntlets, but the metal fingers kept slipping on the leather. After succeeding in getting one off, I let my bare fingers comb through the fine velvet back of Hawke's robes. This was dangerous, we didn't have time when any moment Templars could come through the door. But neither of us cared. After all the heartache of the past few hours, we needed each other. Together we knew we could weather any storm, and that was all that mattered.

A cough and knock alerted us to the entranceway's door. Hawke turned around, leaving me to look at his back. He didn't hide me in shame, he merely knew I wouldn't like anyone to see me like this; well, anyone but him.

'What are you doing here, Anders?' The question was brimming with displeasure.

'To talk.' The other mage replied, his voice seeming to be regretful. 'Look, I know you told me to leave, Hawke, and I really will after this. But I need closure.'

'What closure?'

'Do you still call me a friend?'

I saw the muscles tense in Hawke's back, no doubt his face was contorted in rage as well. I'd seen the stance often enough in battle when the foolhardy mage lets his emotions get the better of him, and he races past me to personally great an enemy with a fireball to the face.

'Anders, I have spent seven years working to make an alliance between Templars and mages. One by one, we solved their problems and showed the cause was neither completely one side's fault. We helped them find their children, kill their oppressors. Flames! I even watched as some mad blood-mage cut my mother up and sewed her to the body of other women!' I placed a hand to his shoulder-blade. 'But still I was sympathetic to our brothers and sisters even though I now knew why the Templars feared them; I did my best to reason with Meredith and Orsino. Do you know I hoped in two years' time I could help reshape the Circle? There were talks about it becoming a school, Anders. Not a prison or an Imperium palace, a emschool/em.'

I remembered one of the evenings I had come for a reading lesson. At the time Hawke had been busying in the study over some stack of parchments and scrolls. When I had enquired what he was doing, he showed me the plans he had drawn out; proposals for structured lessons at the Circle, rules that both mages and Templars would be expected to adhere to, what would happen if a student was found practicing blood magic, at what age a mage was to be taken to a Circle and what would happen once a mage was successfully through the Harrowing. He even told me that he would go through the process himself; go and spend a few years at the Circle and pass his own Harrowing though he was already a proven mage.

"How can I expect people to follow my word blindly, Fenris, when I haven't done it myself?"

To that I had promised my faith in him, and informed him that should he undertake such a task, I would train as a Templar to show my support for his dream and to help teach the other Templars about mages properly. We would live together at the Circle till his Harrowing was passed, and then spend our lives in Kirkwall correcting all the past wrongs. Kirkwall's Circle would become the new mould, instead of the nightmare told to keep mages awake at night.

Hawke's raised voice brought me back to the present.

'And now what do we have? Dead sisters, rubble where a holy place once stood, a murdered Circle who turned to blood magic in the end, and several dozen Templars dead by my hand and that of their insane Knight-Commander, forced to turn to red lyrium in order to do what she felt was right IN REACTION TO YOUR ACTIONS!" The bellow shook the room, leaving me feeling a little out of sorts.

'Our friends now have to flee for their lives or pick up the minute scraps of a living they can. I have to leave Kirkwall, likely forever, because of you. After the Fade my family went through to get here, and the Fade we encountered living here, after Fenris had decided and was staying with me here, I had hoped we could live out the rest of our lives in happiness. But you have destroyed that, Anders, and if either he or I should pay for your crimes in the future, know the other will seek you out and rend your life from this plane. So no, we cannot be "friends" any longer. You severed that possibility when you planned the destruction of the Chantry and used me in the doing so.'

The abomination moved forward, his boots scuffing against the floor. 'Hawke-'

I'd had enough of hiding, rage flowing through my body, my markings lit. I stepped between the two of them, my arms out as if to cage Hawke with my body. Anders' sad expression turned to one of disgust we he looked at me, then the pain was back as he looked behind me to Hawke.

'You will go no further, abomination.' I growled. 'You have done enough.'

My lyrium was alive, singing for blood. One command from either myself or Hawke, and Anders would never part from the Fade again. He had dared to hurt the one person in this world who cared about everyone and everything; he had dared to use him for his own ends and turn his unconditional friendship into the ugly tattered scar that was the remains of the Chantry. Anders did not deserve to live.

He let a single tear fall. 'Hawke, I love you.'

'Get out.' Hawke ground out. When Anders made no attempt to move, he raised his voice to a booming command. 'I SAID, "GET OUT"!'

The abomination left with a sob, leaving nothing but the front door swinging gently in the evening breeze. I turned and took Hawke into my arms again, lyrium slowly ebbing to a cool whiteness. For a moment the doubts creeped in once more, the thought that wondered if he would race after Anders and choose the mage as his lover. I was no fool, it was obvious Anders held feelings for Hawke since the moment we met. Even I had picked up on it, oblivious as I was to love. The subtle flicks of his blonde hair, the way he leant down over his medical books only to cast his eyes up at Hawke. Not even Merrill could be naive enough not to see it. But each time Hawke had waved it away, found something else to talk about and left Anders with a little pout. Still, I had never heard the abomination declare it vocally.

Hawke encircled me with his own arms, tightly as if he was afraid I might run. 'I will not lose you because of that fool. We have worked too damn hard for this, Fenris. Flames...'

I stroked his cheek and pressed my lips to his for a second. All foolish notions fell from my head, and I swore to myself I would never doubt Hawke again. 'We need only each other, Amatus.'

He chuckled at that. 'Lock the door Fenris and get upstairs, I think I require further lessons in Tevene.'

I raised an eyebrow, I should have remembered Hawke was quick to recover. 'Really, Hawke? Aveline is likely straining to hold the guard back as it is, and the Templars could be here any minute.'

His gaze held me and I felt my lyrium warming up once more. 'Oh don't worry, I'm a quick learner.'