Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Just BTW.
June 2009
Jacob's POV
We're leaving.
Not for good, the Cullens told me. I heard the end of the statement even though it hadn't been spoken aloud. We aren't leaving for good, just until everyone we know is long dead.
"Jacob," a voice calls my name softly. I look down to see Ness tugging at my shirt. It was obvious she had been trying to get my attention for a while now. Smiling down at her, I ask her what she needs.
Instead of answering me, Nessie puts her hand in mine showing me just a few moments ago staring off into the distance and looking miserable. She then asks me if anything is wrong.
"Of course not," I reply," Come on; let's get this thing put up." Renesmee pouts but still aids me in the setting up of the telescope. Our efforts quickly get the telescope erect and ready for looking through.
This was our thing. Every Friday night, we trudged to this clearing in the forest behind the Cullen house. We bring the telescope with us and look at the constellations and the moon and other planets. Sometimes we just lie down in the grass and look at the vast sky. It makes me feel so small and unimportant knowing there's a bigger place out there. Watching the stars has to be my favorite thing in the world. Besides Nessie, of course.
Nessie's looking through the telescope now and pointing out all the constellations. I don't know them all yet. She always had been smarter than me, anyways. Once she finds the North Star, she remains silent. I study her features. Ness is three years old, but physically, she's about nine or so.
Why does she have to grow up so fast?
The days fly too quickly, now. Time meant more to me now. Even from before Bella was turned, I never felt this helpless. Too many deadlines: Nessie's last birthday, the last day in Forks, my father's life. I'm scared. How can I leave my father now? I am a horrible son. But I'll do it, because I know one separation more painful than that of a son and father. It was that of a wolf and their imprint.
I look around. The summer grass is emerald in the moonlight. Dark skies overhead keep the shining stars ablaze. So many stars tonight, there isn't one cloud. Will the skies look the same in Alaska? Will they look this same with only half of my family watching with me?
"Do you want a turn?" Renesmee asks, stepping back from the telescope with a questioning look. I say no. Slowly, she walks towards me. I can make out the outline of the white dress Alice forced her into. Kneeling down to where I am, she lays beside me. I carefully put an arm around her. "I'm sorry," she says in a quiet voice. She understood; she always understood. I pull her in closer.
We lay without speaking. After a while, Ness pulls herself up and offers a hand.
"Let's go home," her hand outstretched toward me. At that moment I realized something. She was home. Anywhere she was is home. I'm not so afraid anymore.
I smile up at her. I repeat her words to myself.
"Let's go home."
September 2013
Renesmee's POV
Notes flow from my hand to the large black instrument under them. Music pours from the sleek, glossy piano. You have the skills of your father, Renesmee, Mom would tell me back when I was proud of my piano dexterity. Now it is just one of the many talents that can never be as great as those of my family. I'll never be as great as my father in music; never as beautiful as Rosalie; never as selfless as my mother; never as clever as Alice; never as funny as Emmett; never as great in battle as Jasper; never as smart as Carlisle; never as giving as Esme; never as kind as Jacob. Standards I could never live up to; I was too utterly full of faults. Mistakes. That's what I am: a mistake.
I had heard the story many times, now. Jacob loved my mom, but my mom loved my dad. Back then, my father and Jacob were rivals. They were always trying to outdo each other. Then, my mom and dad got and married and my mother found herself pregnant with me. After I was born, Jacob planned on killing me. But then, we locked eyes, and he could no longer bring himself to harm me.
Would he have killed me that day, if the magic in his genes had not acted? No one chooses to speak it out loud, but I know that if he had not imprinted on me, I would not be alive today, on my seventh birthday. Nor would I finally be asking for separation from my family. A withdrawal from all of this perfection. It is too much for me to bear, nowadays.
This is the reason I am playing the piano so loud at the moment; my father can't read my thoughts if I block them with sweet melodies that have no meaning. I check my watch. It reads 11:42AM. I am five minutes late to my own birthday party. How pathetic. I better get a move on before Alice comes to drag me.
Even in the summer, Alaska is still chilly. It's fall now, so I'm glad I wore a sweater. Alice will be mad, but I choose not to follow her favorite saying: Beauty knows no pain. Well, beauty sure as hell feels frostbite.
I see the main house come into view and I walk along the stepping stones up to the front door. I hear three heartbeats that are supernaturally fast. There are no others. The owners of these are Jacob, Seth, and Leah; the others aren't coming to this birthday party. Alaska's pretty far from Washington, so it isn't like I was expecting them. They have better things to do than waste time on someone like me: a person who disappoints everyone by not reaching their expectations. I'm expected to be smart and pretty and love. I'm expected to love Jacob and my mom and dad and all my aunts and uncles, grandparents as well. And I do most of the time. Or, at least I try. One heart can only take so much. Especially one that is split into two halves.
"Ness!" Alice squeals, pulling me into a hug as I step through the door, "Happy Birthday." I laugh because that is what I am supposed to do. Faintly, I squeeze her back. This seems to be a signal, because now I'm hugging everyone from Seth to Grandma Esme to Dad.
"Congrats," Dad whispers in my ear. Beaming at him, I peck his cheek.
"You know, I'm technically older than you now, right?" I joke. He laughs in good nature.
"Say what you want, I'm still your father." Everyone joins in at the realization I've surpassed my parents in physical age. To the eye, I look around nineteen or twenty. I will stay this way for the rest of eternity. Or until someone comes and kills me. Whichever happens first.
The festivities pass quickly, birthday candles blown, cake eaten by three. I wasn't feeling very hungry. An eerie silence fills the room. Does Jasper feel my unease? Does my father know what I'm planning on asking?
"What do you need to ask?" Father asks; he hears the question in my head. My family looks at me with questioning eyes. I'm terrified of their reaction. Especially Jacob's. Will they hate me forever? Will they let me go where I plan? "Renesmee," my mother asks quietly. I swallow hard.
"I want to go away," I say in a strong, confident voice. I thought my speech would wobble, but it didn't.
The house is silent. Many pairs of eyes rest upon me, but only one truly matters. Gradually, I raise my head to look at Jacob. He looks distressed. I cannot remember a long separation. For me, he moved to Alaska. For me, he set aside his true family. For me, he left. And now, I repay him by removing myself from his life. I am a cruel creature.
Over the years, I have viewed Jacob as my big brother and best friend. The view I have has not changed. Everyone had anticipated that we fall in love and live happily ever after. But I do not love him like that. That is not to say I do not love him. I do. But what I need right now is not him; I need to live my life. I require an existence away from the shelter of my family.
I need a home which I cannot find here.
December 2034
Jacob's POV
Death: the color black. Just like me. Funny how when he dies, there is blankets of white on the ground.
I am alone sitting on his rocking chair outside. I cannot feel the iciness of the arctic wind as it fiercely blows, hitting my too warm skin. Why do they leave me? Why do the most important people find me unworthy? Why did he have to die?
These and countless more questions fill my head which in turn makes it pound. I am sporting a massive migraine. I used get these right after Nessie left to the Volturi. Don't think about her now, an inner voice shouted at me. The voice is right. The last time I saw Ness in person was three Christmas's ago. If I begin to ponder the problems I have with her, I just might implode.
My black suit is wrinkled and ruined from the snow and my sitting in this too small chair. His funeral was earlier today. In the middle of the service, it began to snow. Previously, it was light snow, but now it seems it will turn into a full blown storm. I will have to go inside soon. I tug my tie off because it is restricting me. I want to crawl out of my skin. Then, I hear an all too familiar voice call my voice.
"Jacob," she says gently, speaking to me as though I am a child. I do not lift my gaze to the pair of brown eyes I know are drilling holes into my head. Even as she pulls up a chair next to me, I don't dare look at her. "Oh, Jacob," she sighs. My jaw is clenched. Memories flood back with her voice.
The day she told us she wanted to leave.
"I need to go," she said," I have to grow up." Edward yells, Bella looks like she would cry if she could. I am silent. She begins again," Let me be clear: I am not asking permission; I am asking for your blessing, and I will leave with or without it." With that, she storms out.
The day she left; a week later.
"It isn't forever. I'll come back and visit all the time." Lies. I knew it even then. She was as good a liar as her scum father, but I knew her. She would not come back often. Hugs all around. Hugs for Carlisle and Esme, Alice and Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett, her parents, Seth and Leah. Finally me. "I'm so sorry," she tells me," but you have to understand. You do understand, right Jacob?" I tell her yes, even though I don't. I never have. Why does she need to go live in Italy with the people who once sought for her murder? Why didn't she tell me before when they offered her the invitation? After the goodbyes come to an end, Edward, Bella, and I drive her to the airport. Excitement pours out of her. I feel sick.
"I love you," she tells me as she boards her plane. I stay and watch the plane fly away. Even after it is long gone, I stay. So do Edward and Bella.
That day three years ago, when she came home for Christmas. I traveled all the way from Forks to Alaska to see her. It had been six years before that.
She comes in with a man holding her hand. Smiling, she introduces as her boyfriend. He is a vampire, but he is not of the Volturi. He shyly grins at us. His name is Nathan, and I hate him. Following the presents, she tells us about how she made new developments with her power, and that she has her PhD in Astronomical Science. I remember feeling stupid. She leaves too quickly; I head outside to give her a goodbye hug. Instead I watch her kiss Nathan passionately. That day, I realized that I was in love with her, and that she would never love me back.
Oh, Renesmee.
"It's pretty cold out here," she voiced.
Quietly, I agree with her. "Yeah." Renesmee gets up from her chair and comes over to mine. With care, she sets herself in my lap. She fits perfectly. Nessie takes her hands and puts them under my chin. Tenderly, she lifts my head so I have to look at her.
"Jacob. Oh, Jacob," she says delicately. "I'm so sorry. So, so sorry about your dad. Poor Billy." Once she says his name, it's all over for me. I pull her close, and begin to silently cry. I remember the day he died.
I was working at my auto shop. I had the day off from school; I was going to the community college and getting my bachelors degree in architecture. Last time Renesmee visited, she told me I should go back to school. I wanted to be as smart as her.
Embry came bursting in. I asked him why he was here when I had given him the day off to spend time with his wife and newborn son.
"It's Billy; he's at the hospital," he told me. With that, I charged to Fork's hospital, now clear of their favorite doctor. I moved back to La Push after Nessie left.
I rush past the front desk, and instead follow my nose to find my father's room. He is asleep, not dead. I repeat this to myself, even though it isn't true. I can smell the death coming off him. Quil enters the room. He became a doctor about seven or eight years ago. All the kids from my pack brothers are grown now. They have made their own pack. All of my friends are grown up now; they now are in their forties and have families and kids. All of them except Leah and Seth retired. I assume, though, when they find their imprints, they'll leave me behind as well.
We do not speak. I ask him if my father had any last words. Quil tells me once he was admitted into the hospital; he was too far gone to speak. I remember the conversation we had this morning about my work and school, just like always. His last words: Have a good day at work, Jacob!
I grab his lifeless hand and begin to slowly fall into a deep dark well that I am afraid I will never climb out of.
Lost in my thoughts, I did not notice that Renesmee dragged me inside Dad's house. She hands me a cup filled with what smells like my father's herbal tea. I take even though it makes me want to puke.
"Where's your boyfriend?" I ask because I cannot help myself. I hear the bitterness leak off my voice. Nessie looks confused.
"Who?" Renesmee inquires as though that Christmas never happened. She pauses, and after a while it looks like a light bulb turned on in her head. "You mean Pete?"
Wait, what? Who the hell is Pete?
"No, I mean Nathan," I tell her. She laughs at me.
"I broke up with him like two years ago, silly." I then ask her who Peter. "Pete was my boyfriend, but I broke up with him last month," she explains. Oh, God. How many boyfriends has she had?
Gracefully, she took a seat next to mean on my father's old beat up old couch. It hit me right then. I was drinking Dad's tea, on his couch, in his house. I dropped the cup. Hot tea dripped down my leg, and it burned. I cursed.
In a flash, Nessie had a towel and was wiping my leg. Her copper hair fell in wave's right above her shoulders, and the strands tickled my knees. She cut her hair. If Alice saw her, she would be in some serious trouble. It wasn't just her hair, though. I hadn't accepted it these last twenty- odd years, but Nessie was different from the three year old girl that so long ago stared at the stars as though they were all Demi- gods. She was all grown up. And, I still love her.
Renesmee met my gaze then and gave me a loving smile. I felt my heart stop. She was here. She was here. She was here. My heart feels as though it is set free.
She is going to leave you again.
My euphoria faded as quickly as it came. She may have changed, but one thing had always stayed the same: her departure. It always came, and now was no different.
Needing to feel her, I put an arm around her shoulders and pull her close to me. She does not protest and puts a hand on my knee. I sigh in contentment. I can forget, now. I can finally forget the death.
How long can I forget?
February 2035
Renesmee's POV
Ding- dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong.
Damnit Jacob! Answer the god damn door. Listening closely, I hear his heavy footsteps thud against the wood floors of his house. He sleepily opens his front door.
"What?" Jake asks, blatantly pissed at being woken up before 10:00 AM on a Saturday. I grin at him.
"Happy Valentine's Day!" I squeal. With that, I jump into his arms and kiss his cheek. Jacob stiffens, and slowly relaxes. What's his problem?
"You, too," he answers while hugging me back gingerly; the pissy mood he was recently sporting seems to have dissolved. His smile is faint. I know why. He hasn't gotten better yet; he has made slow progress, though. As soon as he is better, I think I'll head to Guatemala. I haven't been there before. But for now, my priority is to heal my Jacob. Not your Jacob, an inner voice tells me. Just Jacob.
"To what do I owe the pleasure of your presence?" Jake inquires in a fake British accent. I laugh at his horrible impersonation, and then he playfully punches my arm. "Oh come on, it wasn't that bad."I voiced my opinion which was radically opposite than his. He rolls his eyes at me, but I ignore his immaturity.
"Happy Valentine's Day," I declare for the second time while offering his present to him. It is a box of candy hearts. It cost me a buck fifty at the nearest convenience store. I'm utterly pathetic. But I get brownie points, because I know Jake completely overlooked Valentine's Day. He admits this and I smirk at him. "I guess you'll just have to owe me, then."
The day passes quickly. We go to the park and eat ice cream. Later, we take a walk on the beach. Some conversation is exchanged, but not much. There isn't a need to speak when the person you are with is your "soul mate."
What is a soul mate? That is what I wish to discern. How are you supposed to feel towards them? Love? What is love? How am I supposed to know when I fall in love? Will it just happen in an instant, or will I gradually fall into it? Am I falling now? I am fearful of falling in love with Jacob. It is supposed to happen. This is what I have always heard. I hate the expected, and in turn, a part of me hates Jacob and Forks and La Push and my family.
We're back at Jake's house. After a week, I finally got Jacob to leave Billy's house. Now, he sleeps at his own house, thank God. A tap on my shoulder pulls me out of my thoughts. I spin around quickly to find Jacob staring at me seriously. A big change in the atmosphere occurred. It had gone from happy and carefree to serious and careful. I open my mouth to ask him what's wrong, but before I can utter a syllable, he speaks.
"I love you," he says somberly.
"I love you, too," I tell him out of habit. Of course I love him, why wouldn't I?
He shakes his head at me. "No, you misunderstand. Renesmee, I am in love with you."
It takes a minute to process what he says, but when I do, my world shatters as I come to the realization he does not feel the same way about me that I feel about him. I thought we were on the same page. I thought he understood. A sole word appears in my mind.
No.
April 2067
Jacob's POV
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. The service drags on. I read the new gravestone. "Here lies Sam and Emily Uley…"
Pale pink petals from trees overhead flow to the ground. It looks like its snowing. On any other day, I would have found this beautiful. Today, I am disgusted that such a sad day had to feel so nice. I reuse the suit from my own father's funeral. Today is all too familiar. Except, this time, I know there will be no Renesmee pulling me out of my depression.
"You..You can't…. you're not allowed to love me!" Nessie shrieks at me.
"But I do," I say calmly. I knew this was a bad idea. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut. I had known she wouldn't say it back; she only saw me as a friend and nothing more.
Renesmee screamed at me. Denial. Anger. Then, she insists that I do not love her. Begging. I can't love her, she says, because she can't love me back. Once she has calmed, she looks at me for a long time. I see the feeling before I hear it.
Rejection.
"I'm sorry, Jake. I just can't," she stated," Goodbye."
That was the last time I saw her. Occasionally, I get updates from the Cullens. I have grown apart from the family that was once my entire life. Things change, but I stay the same. The suit I wore thirty years still fits perfectly . My friends: Quil, Embry, Paul, Jared have all grown old. Ripe old men with grandkids and son and daughter-in laws. I am physically younger than their children.. The first of the pack has passed on. Who's next? Whose funeral will I attend next?
I pay my respects and go to the reception. Even though I am starving, I don't dare eat. If I do, I am sure I will regurgitate it.
After greeting my brothers, I head home. Not soon enough. Being at La Push makes me grim. It shows me the life I was denied by the Cullens' decision to move back to Forks. Damn them. Damn Edward. Damn Bella. Damn Renesmee. Damn the whole world.
When I arrive home, back in Chesapeake, Virginia, I immediately flop into bed. My windows are open, letting in a cool breeze that cools my ever hot skin. On my wall, rests my certificate for my PhD in architecture. I'll never be as intellectual as Nessie, but I least have an education, now.
The phone rings, but I ignore it.
I lift my hands up to my head, effectively covering my face.
Will I ever have my happy ever after?
April 2067
Renesmee's POV
Smoke fills my mouth. I make sure not to inhale it. Following letting the smoke set for a moment, I exhale all the smoke from inside. I love my pipe.
Looking to the night sky, I see few stars. Most are covered up by New York City's lights. I miss my stars and constellations. The North Star, the Big and Little Dipper, Andromeda, Leo, Hercules. None can be seen.
I feel alone. Last week I broke up with Alex, and I don't even know why. He was really hot and nice, too. Sometimes I wish I could understand myself, even if only for a minute. Deciding to not spend the night brooding, I head into the club a block over. I tuck my pipe away.
Showing the pimp my ID, I enter the building and am immediately bombarded the noise. All of my senses are heightened so I can hear every conversation and smell every drip of alcohol. I feel intoxicated already. At the bar, I order a beer. Once I sit on the stool, I look to the left to find an attractive young man looking at me in reverence. Smirking, I greet him as my beer is handed to me by the bartender.
"Hi," he says back," I'm Finn, and you are?" His skin is tanned and his coffee colored hair is reflecting light. His eyes are stormy gray, but if you look closely, you can find traces of green.
"I'm Vicki, and it's nice to meet you, Finn," I pronounce. We drink and laugh and dance. Soon I am plastered against the club's wall kissing Finn. He asks me to come home with him and I take his hand and let him lead the way.
Once we arrive at his apartment, we kiss more fiercely. Clothes are removed and I am in his bed.
When the deed is done and Finn is asleep, I gather my clothes and head to his tiny bathroom. Hurriedly, I dress, but once I am, I unfortunately catch a glance of myself in his dirty mirror. My red hair reaches my waist, and I think about cutting it again. My brown eyes are livid and the tad bit crazed. My skin is pale, but not too unnatural. There is nothing too wrong on the surface. Below the surface, though, there is nothing. That is the problem. I lack depth. I am utterly shallow.
My back hits the wall, and I let myself slip to the floor. Who am I? I stare at my light hands. They are creamy and unwrinkled. Perfect, but they lack life. Where are the scars I should have from when I cut my hands deeply on the knife I used to practice with Felix? Or the lines that should appear on my legs from when I was attacked by a bear before I ate it? Where am I?
Without thinking, I call the one person that would know the answer I seek. The phone rings once, twice, three times. After six rings, I get the answering machine.
Hi, this is Jacob. Sorry I can't get to the phone right now. You know what to do after the beep. The phone beeps; I hang up and begin to sob.
Will I ever have my happily ever after ?
May 2070
Jacob's POV
The doorbell rings. It rings again, and again, and once more.
Who the fuck? I check the digital clock by my bedside. It reads 7:30AM. Good Lord, its Sunday people. Can't a man get any sleep?
Slowly, I haul my body down the flight of stairs. I open the door.
Renesmee.
"Jacob," she sighs and then abruptly starts to cry. Not knowing what to do, I stand there and watch her sob. I feel like an idiot, but I'm afraid she'll hit me if I try to comfort her. Shock is starting to rocket through me.
She's here. She's here. She's here. She's here.
Not forever, I remind myself. Never forever.
Her tears dry up and she lifts her gaze from the pavement to my eyes. God, I love her.
"What's wrong?" I question. I'm seriously worried now. The last time I saw her was almost forty years ago. Suddenly, she's on my doorstep. And she's crying. What happened?
"Leah," Renesmee cries. I freeze. What the hell is wrong with Leah?
Although Leah never imprinted, she still fell in love with a man named Damon and had three children. She retired from the pack only twenty years back, so her health should not be an issue yet. Right? I mean, forty year olds don't get sick a lot, I don't think. Or maybe they do. I don't know.
"What happened to Leah?" I practically growl. Nessie responds by weeping harder and shaking her head. Oh, no. I pull her inside and lead her to the living room. Seating her on my black couch, I try to ask her once again what's happened to Leah. This time she answers.
"Damon called. I was in Alabama for a concert, so I was close by. Leah was getting groceries, and on the way home, a truck smashed into her car and….and… it crushed he-her… and she's…sh-she is.." Nessie cannot finish her sentence. Instead she started on something else while I soaked the information in. "Charlotte and Valerie and Michael, they have no mom now, Jake. Michael is only five."
She later continued after I stayed silent."Damon's a mess. I don't know if he can handle it." I think Renesmee's still talking, but I can no longer hear her.
Not Leah. Leah can't die. It's impossible. If Leah can die, anyone can. So many deaths. Too many deaths. Death is everywhere nowadays. It won't leave until everyone I know is six feet under. Then, and only then, will it leave. Death will leave me be because it knows that I hurt more by living. The world is a cruel place.
I collapse next to Ness on the sofa. We do not touch or talk or cry. No noise or movement is taking place.
If you asked me how long we sat there, I would truthfully tell you that I did not know. It could have been a year for all I know. All I know is when I looked out the window, it was pitch black. There was no moon out tonight, and all the stars hid behind the clouds.
We both turn to each other at the same time. I cannot discern the look in her eyes. They are hooded. I love you, I say silently.
She leans in and presses her lips to mine.
Everything makes sense again. Her mouth is warm against mine. It is a gentle, soft kiss. Renesmee began the kiss, and then she ended it. Her eyes never left mine. A pale hand is placed against my cheek. My thoughts of despair disappear.
Three words fill my head that do not belong to me.
I love you.
June 2076
Renesmee's POV
I am awoken by a familiar voice.
"Happy Anniversary," Jacob tells me planting kisses all over my face and my naked shoulders. I sigh in contentment.
"Happy Sixth Anniversary," I repeat back at him and connect his hungry lips to mine. With my power, I inform of my hunger for breakfast. He sighs in frustration, but releases me from his grasp. I giggle at him as I get up and put some clothes on.
After the day I told him of Leah's death, we dated for about one month before we headed to Vegas to elope. Once we got back, though, my family was waiting at our house with disapproving looks. Alice just about cut my head off.
I heard the shower running in the bathroom, and I smiled as I snuck into the bathroom and joined Jacob in the shower.
I am happy.
June 2076
Jacob's POV
I am awoken by the birds outside. In my arms, Ness lies sleeping. A soft breath leaves her mouth. I decide it's time to wake sleeping beauty. I kiss every surface of her skin to accomplish my mission.
"Happy Anniversary," I notify. I continue to kiss her. She returns the favor. Unfortunately, we don't go any farther because apparently she's hungry. I sigh and release her to dress. I trudge to the shower. I step in and I allow myself to really become fully conscious.
Has it really been six years already? It seems like just yesterday that Edward had my head for marrying "his Renesmee" without his permission. God, he's such a prude.
Hearing the door to the door open, I stiffen, but relax when I find out who it is. Hungry ,my ass.
The rest of the day is filled with cheesy love lines and laughs and love. Just like every other anniversary and every anniversary to come.
I am happy.
A/N: Thank you for reading my story!