Title: I'm not allowed to love and be loved
Author: Romantic-Gi
Chapters: Ongoing...
Rating: NC-17 (Just to be safe)
Pairing: Jared/Allison
Warnings: Heart Break, Drama, Romance, Some Sexual Content (later)
Spoilers: None
Feedback: Always welcome. I wanna know if I'm doing it right =)
Disclaimer: I don't own Jared and Jensen (I wish I did. Life's so unfair, huh?). I only own the characters as Allison, Juliana and others that can appear during the story. This is a Real Life fan fiction. If you don't like it, don't read it. Simple as that =). This is merely for non-profit entertainment for other writers/readers who enjoy the 'What If'. In other words, that's a fiction. I don't know how Jared and Jensen are in real life. It's only my crazy mind working.
Romantic-Gi's Note: Well, I used to write fan fiction a long time ago , but I had stopped. I decided to come back while watching Supernatural. I returned using my account at and saw how the whole thing evolved. I felt a bit lost among so many definitions, but gradually I'm learning =). I'm not American and my native language isn't English, but I do love it. Therefore, be patient with me and I hope that you have a good timed. The story has a lot of drama and romance, because they're my favorite categories. You can leave reviews with your thoughts about the story (constructive criticism and no obscene words, please). It was put as M because I'm thinking about putting inappropriate things for younger than 17 years (nothing very explicit. I just put in order that they didn't throw me stones lol). I think that's all, folks. Sit down on your chairs, take your popcorns and welcome to my little world.

Wish you the best always.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Allison was sitting down at a bench on the bar of the hotel, drinking her wine while she was listening to her friend talking for hours. She was tired; the day had been long, but pleasurable. The place was full of people, with a loud music on the background and small talk all around. She had already stopped paying attention to what her friend was saying and only was concentrated in her drink. She couldn't stand hearing Juliana talking about Jensen and Jared anymore. In fact, she didn't know why she was there. She had gone only because Juliana insisted very much and pressed her in all the possible forms that she couldn't say no to her friend. Well, the truth is that Allison always wanted to see her friend happy and a weekend in a Supernatural convention wouldn't kill her. This was what she was thinking 'till she realized how much that rush made her tired.

Juliana was pulling her all over the place in which the actors of the series were. They had hardly gone out from an event and they were already going for another, without letting Allison taking a breath. That moment at the bar was one of a few rest moments for her and Juliana didn't stop talking about the guys. Allison gave a deep sigh when she heard her friend saying the name of Jensen Ackles for the zillion time.

"... and he was lovely, wasn't he, Allie?", Juliana asked, taking a look at the place. Allison took another sip of her drink before looking at her friend and thinking about something to answer.

"Yes, he was, Julie", Allison passed her hand through her red hair and rested it on top of the balcony.

The music was so loud that they had to seat near of each other to be able to be heard.

"I think that they'll show up tonight. It would be wonderful, wouldn't be, Allie?", Juliana was all excited. She was almost jumping around.

"It would be simply fantastic, Julie" Allison said without any emotion in her voice, which her friend noticed.

"Wow, watch out 'cause you're looking like dying of excitement", Juliana said, looking at her friend. "For God´s sake, Allie, it's Jensen and Jared!!", Juliana said that as if it was the most important thing in the world. In fact, for her it was.

"Sorry, Julie, but I don't like them as much as you do" and Allison drank one more sip of the wine and passed her fingers over the cup. She was still looking at her drink.

"Gee! Are you blind? Stupid? Retarded? Or a junction of these three things?", Juliana turned to her friend, whose was still looking at the cup in front of her.

"Maybe", and Allison sighed once again. She knew that she was messing up her friend's weekend and didn't want that to happen. She wanted to be happier, she really did, but something was holding her back. "Look", and for the first time, Allison took her eyes away from the cup and looked at her friend, " I'm really sorry, Julie. I only am a little discouraged, just that", and she put a hair wick behind her ear. "You know..."

"No, I dunno, Allie. I'd be happy if you'd explain to me", Juliana looked at her friend tenderly, "Or at least tried to. I already realized that you're not OK lately, but whenever I try to talk about that, you change the subject"

"And now wouldn't be a good time to talk about it". Allison looked at the cup again as if it was the more important thing at the moment.

"Then when?". Juliana caught her friend's arm and forced her to turn around. Allison gave her a small smile.

"I don't know, but it´s not now". Allison closed her eyes for a few seconds, opened them and looked at her friend. The first friend she had since she arrived to Vancouver to do an exchange for six months. Allison was Brazilian, but she had double nationality. Her father was Canadian and her mother was Brazilian and she had been born in Brazil 30 years ago. She had decided to do that exchange after seeing a doctor who told her some things. And these things were the reason why, sometimes, she seems to be sad and distant. She didn't want to worry Juliana 'bout her problems and decided to have a good time in this event. "Look, let´s have some fun, OK?". Allison smiled at her friend."After all", she took the last sip or her drink, "that's the reason we're here for, right?".

"Yay, that's my girl!", and Juliana smiled widely while saying that. Allison looked her aside.

"Stop saying that or else they're going to think I'm your sweetheart", and both laughed.

Both started to talk about what was happening with them this weekend. Juliana said to her friend that she wanted to go to this Supernatural convention thing, but Allison didn't pay attention to that. After all, she was very busy with her English classes and her work as a receptionist at this English course. One beautiful day, Juliana, who lives in a house with Allison and two other girls in Vancouver, showed up with two tickets to the event. She said that her father had given them as a gift and she wanted Allison to go with her. The red-haired woman wasn't too thrilled at first, but she ended up going. Of course that Juliana was the most thrilled between them. Not that Allison didn't like the series or the actors (she thought them very attractive), but she wasn't so excited like her blond friend was.

And at this moment, with both talking and Allison trying to seem happier than she really was, a murmur started in the location. They were at one of the event's parties. It was on Saturday night and Allison only wanted to go sleep, but Juliana insisted so much that she gave up once more. Both looked back and saw that some girls had gone to the front door of the place. Juliana already started to be excited thinking that maybe it was Jensen and Jared and Allison just kept on looking at the overjoyed girls thinking that was ridiculous. Of course she thinks they're gorgeous, but wouldn't start being a "groupie" 'cause of that. Juliana wanted to go see what it was really happening, but Allison decided that was better to stay sat down. That being the case, the blond was up to where the murmur was happening and the red-haired woman turned to the counter and asked for one more cup of wine. Some seconds later Juliana was already back all panting. She sat down next to the red-haired woman and took a deep breathe for a few seconds.

"Julie, what happened? You're OK?", Allison asked, holding her friend's arm. Juliana was younger than the red-haired woman; she was 24 years and a law's student. Allison was a psychologist.

"Allie...it's...", Juliana answered while taking some deep breaths. She drank the soda that still remained in her glass. She didn't like alcoholic drinks as the red-haired woman. "Jensen and Jared are here!!!"

"OK, Julie, but calm down before you have a collapse", Allison said, holding Juliana by her arms, 'cause she was already jumping on the bench. The blond drank more soda and took a deep breath one last time.

"Let´s go to talk to them!", her eyes were shining and she looked at her friend.

"Oh, c'mon, Julie!", Allison said, turning herself to the counter again. "I came to England with you in this crazy trip and it's cool", she completed, seeing that her friend was going to start a protest, "But going there in the middle of that hysterical teenagers to talk to some guys I don't even know is too much for me! This I pass", and the red-haired woman took another sip of her wine.

"Oh, Allie, please. Please". Juliana was almost begging and Allison almost gave way this time.

"No, Julie. You're not going to convince me this time. Look", the red-haired woman looked at her friend, "You go, talk to them and I stay here waiting for you, okay?". Juliana snorted, murmured an "okay" and was up to where the boys were.

Allison could finally be alone for some minutes without hearing the words Jensen, Jared, pretty and sexy in the same sentence several times. Took some sips of her wine and kept on thinking 'bout how her life had changed in less than two months. One day she was in Brazil, working, living her almost perfect life, and the other she was with her suitcases in a plane going to Vancouver. She'd never think about going for such place especially because she hates cold weather, but she decided that it'd be good to know from where her father came from. No matter how much she had family there, Allison never had gone to visit them and now, after 30 years, she had decided that this was the best moment to know them. "Or say goodbye to them", she thought at that time.

Lately, sad and depressive thoughts came over Allison's mind and several times she awoke in the middle of the night having nightmares about her death. Very macabre, but the truth was that her life had counted days. Actually, the red-haired woman just had more two years and half of life. That being the most optimistic if possible. Two years and halt to do what she didn't have done yet. Two years and half to be with all the people she loves and say goodbye to them adequately. Two years and half to put her things in order and leave in peace without going to hospitals or doctors anymore.

Allison fought against a rare kind of leukemia for almost four years. After several painful treatments and internments, the doctors said that they couldn't help her anymore. Gave her more two years and half of life and they said that she had to live it the best way she could. How did she feel? Well, how you'd feel knowing that everything that you had conquered up 'till now would be lost in two years and half, or less? She became angry, so angry and asked herself several times why that was happening to her. She passed through some depress and self pity moments until, finally, had decided to do what the doctors told her to do: live life the best way she could. She didn't tell anything to her family because she didn't want to cause them unnecessary pain. She didn't want them to see her and feel sorry for her. The red-haired woman already had enough for herself.

It was a surprise to all of them when she decided to quit her job and use her savings going to a long trip. First she'd go to Vancouver to know her foreign family and then she'd do some volunteer work, as she always wanted. She just would do what she wanted and, when her "time" was coming, would reunite with her family to spend her last moments with them. This was a perfect plan for her. She wouldn't tell anything to anybody about the disease that was taking away her right to live. She wasn't angry anymore; she already had gone through this phase. Allison was already resigned with her destiny. If she was going to die soon, she was going to try to be happy meanwhile and make people around her happy as well. Because of that she rarely says no to Juliana.

They became friends as soon as Allison arrived at a home chosen by her to stay during her exchange. The red-haired woman liked Jane and Lucy as well, but she really got along with Juliana. She didn't know if it was because they were the oldest in the house (Jane had 16 and Lucy 18) or because they had almost the same kind of personality or because Juliana reminds Allison of her younger sister, Bruna. She didn't know exactly the reason why; they just get along period.

Allison was thinking about these things when Juliana showed up blown and sat down by her side. The red-haired woman turned to her friend and saw that Juliana was all smiles. She liked her thus and therefore she smiled as well. She didn't like lying to the blond about her condition, but she didn't want anybody feeling sorry or acting weird around her just because she was dying. That thought made Allison's smile erase a little, but Juliana was so radiant she didn't noticed.

"Allie, they are…", and Juliana stopped, searching for some word which could describes them with perfection, "just adorable!", and the blond clapped. Allison laughed while seeing that. "Seriously, they're wonderful! And I'm not only talking about their beauty. The guys are nice! Got it? N-i-c-e!". Allison laughed again hearing her friend spell a word as if it was strange for her. "How many celebrities you can say that for?"

"Yeah, you're right". The red-haired woman drank one more sip of her drink and felt that her friend's excitement was starting to infect her. Or it was the wine effect? She couldn't tell. The only thing that she knew is that she felt impelled to talk and talk, like Juliana. "Almost none"

"See it?', and Juliana gave a little slap at the counter. "Gimme another of this, please?", she showed her soda to the barman who answered with a nod. "Allie, you gotta know them!", she said, looking at her friend.

"Oh, I don't want to, Julie. Serious, must have a gang of freaking girls on them and I don't feel like being there screaming at the top of my lungs to get only a second of attention. Really, that doesn't sound like me. I'm not a freaking girl type", Allison turned around and looked at the place. Actually, the murmur already had decreased and she could see the boys from far. Some girls still surrounded them, but less than before. "Maybe later?", and she turned to the counter again.

Both kept talking more about some things until the red-haired woman noticed that the screams had stopped and the location was as before: only the loud music and local conversations. She noticed that the bar counter had gotten fuller and she thought the girls became thirsty of so much screaming for the guys and decided to give a relief for their throats.

"But then, Allie, which one do you prefer?", Juliana asked, taking a sip of her soda, now calmer.

"Hmm", Allison thought for a few seconds and was so distracted by the talk that she didn't see a man stop next to her at the bar. "Look, I used to think that Jensen was the most beautiful and sexy of them", she was talking aloud because the bar got fuller and the conversations were louder, "but after what I saw today at breakfast, Jared proceeded being my favorite", she took another sip of her wine and didn't notice that the man at her right side heard the talk and laughed when he heard that.

"Is it? And why?". Juliana didn't notice the man who was next to her friend also.

"Well", Allison straightened a little on the bench, "both are pretty and everything, but I'm the kind of woman who likes more the inside of the product than the packing, got it?", and both laughed. "I mean, Jensen's pretty, but is too quiet for me", and the man laughed again hearing that ."You saw how he seems to get nervous when he's in the middle of unknown people?", and Juliana nodded. "Jared already seems more at ease; he seems to be more extrovert and that ended up turning him more beautiful to my eyes. Not that he wasn't already, of course", and she smiled aside. The man next to her also gave a smile and took a sip of his drink.

"Oh, no matter how much I agree with you, I still prefer Jensen". Juliana took one more sip of her soda and looked backwards to see the boys, but she didn't.

"What took most of my attention 'bout Jared", Allison was amazed about how long she was talking about him, "was his way of being a child. I mean, he seems to know the moment to "play" ", and she did quotation marks with her fingers, "and the moment of being serious and that really delights me in a man".

"And this is Doctor Allison", and Juliana rose the glass as if she was doing a toast in the air.

"Oh, c'mon! I'm not analyzing anyone. I only said what I saw. Maybe I'm wrong", and Allison shrugged. "I just liked his personality", and with that, the man next to her gave one more smile. That talk was becoming interesting for him. Blessed hour that he decided going to the bar drink something.

"It means that Miss Allison here is surrendering to Jared Padalecki's charms?", Juliana laughed, teasing her friend.

"No no no. You asked me which of them I preferred and I gave you an opinion. Nothing more than that", and Allison felt her cheeks blushing. The man next to her was turned to the counter and he looked at her by the corner of his eye.

"Yeah, okay, Allie", and Juliana started to play with the napkin that was below her glass. "I'm not going to insist".

"On what?". Allison was curious about what her friend meant as well as the man next to them.

"On you having a crush on Jared", and the blond gave a little laugh.

"Excuse me?", the red-haired woman looked at her, surprised. "Tell me what you're drinking 'cause I want it too", and the man next to them laughed. "You're serious?"

"Yep. All the women have a crush on Jared, Allie. It's no shame", and Juliana kept on playing with the napkin, being sarcastic.

"But I'm not all the women, Julie", and Allison took the last sip of her wine. "And you know what?". Juliana looked at her friend waiting for her to continue. "Suppose that I have a crush on him. Only a supposition", and Juliana nodded, amused by the situation. "You already looked around?"

"How come?". Juliana didn't understand what her friend was trying to say.

"Julie, look how many women fall to their feet. Did you already see how many pretty women fall to their feet?"

"And?", Juliana folded her arms on her chest, now understanding what her friend was saying.

"And now look at me"

"I'm already looking". Juliana looked seriously at her friend.

"And what do you see?"

"A beautiful woman who gives a shit to herself"

Allison took some minutes looking at her friend before answering.

"They really are going to think you're my sweetheart", and both laughed as well as the man. None of the two women was aware of his presence yet. "And there's more", Allison turned to her friend. "I don't think about having a relationship with anybody for now", and those sad thoughts invaded her mind again, making her become serious suddenly.

"Neither if it was Jared Padalecki?". Juliana didn't notice her friend's smile vanishing from her lips.

"Neither if it was him". Allison said that while looking at the empty cup in front of her. It was how she was feeling now: empty.

"And may I know why?"

"Is just that...", Allison sighed. The man next to her was curious again. The red-haired woman reminded that she wasn't going to tell anybody what was happening with her and would keep her promise until the end. She didn't want anybody suffering. It was already enough what she was going through. "Just it's not the best moment"

"And when it's going to be, Allie?". Juliana got serious as well. "Seriously, since you arrived to Vancouver I didn't see you with a guy".

"I just don't want this for my life now, Julie". That talk was already extending too much and Allison was starting to feel uncomfortable. "Let's change the subject, OK?", Allison gave her a weak smile.

"There you come running away again..."

"I'm not running away. I already told you the reason, that's all. End of the subject". Allison kept on giving her weaker smile.

"OK, I'm not going to pressure you", and Juliana lifted her hands as in a surrender gesture, "especially because I'm dying of wish of going to the bathroom", and she got up of the bench. "Be right back, OK?". Allison nodded and Juliana left walking quickly towards the women's bathroom.