Okay, I am like, feeling really weird right now, so I felt like I should write a kind of dark and angsty one- shot about Yuffie, this one, I promise, will definitely stay a one-shot. I hate reading long stories that are dark; they really make me messed up, like right now.
Disclaimer: i own nothing.....duh!!
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Dear ones,
Yuffie Kisaragi
It's my name, but to me, it's more than that, it's like a label, a challenge, a Yuffie kisaragi is this, so you must be this because if your not your nothing and you can't be nothingand be. Things just don't work out that way.
It's like a suit to. It covers me, it strangles me till I can't breath and I have to keep attempting to tear it off and it will never get off-whatthefuckletgo,letmego,ican'tbreath,mommy?- and it's suffocating like a leather jumpsuit that was to small to begin with and not it's shrunk even more because I don't know how to use it properly and it wants me to suffer.
Or am I being to cryptic? Maybe I am, but if you have ever been me-which you won't- you know that my life-can it be called that, or is this the wrong word to us?-has sucked since my birth breath and has continued to feel like stabbing pins in my eyes for all the rest of my breaths, though they may be numbered, considering my hobbies- stealingswrongkillingswrongbutwhatmakeswrongwrongandrightright,amimissingsomething?!?-I truly hate myself, but who am I? Who is I and what is me? And who made up these little fuckers named feelings?
Maybe that's it, maybe it's not that I hate myself for what I am, maybe it's that I can't figure out what is me? If I knew-which I don't-what me is and what I am, then maybe I could set a little path up for myself, make a plan-plan's are always the first thing to go in war- for my life-once again, may I call it that?!?-
I need help, I am strong, truly I am, I have taken beatings from Godo since I can remember-ninja's have good memories, we seek revenge on all that have wronged us- and I watched my mother die in front of me, protecting my worthless self from death-whymommywhy,iwantedtodie,don'tyo
usee,thatwasescapeingforme,itwasfreedom,itwashelp,whymommywhydidyoublockhim-and then watched my older sister-please don't die, don't leave me, I need help, please help me, please don't leave the world to suffer in darkness without your light!-die at the hands of a crazy man that ruined my country and let it burn in a fire of self pity and agony for years.
I never ask for help though, and maybe that's why I don't get any. I always thought a friend should be able to tell whether or not their friend is okay or not, maybe they are not my friends then. They haven't noticed anything's been wrong. It's been six years. I'm still hoping that they will notice, though I know they never will. I hope anyways.
My friends-can they be that oblivious?- are what keep me going, though they don't notice, they care, it's in their eyes. But maybe, maybe their just as handicapped as me, they have pain to, no doubt. I try to help them everyday, doing all I can to make them smile, and make their burden less.
Burdens, the word reminds me of him. His burdens are so great, and are so heavy, that he can't even speak right. That's what I blame his little speech issue on anyways. But I'm crazy, so who really knows. He lives only to feel hurt and pain, and seeks out nothing to help himself, for he believes there is nothing to help him. I never got to his stage of knowledge, I skipped it, knowing only to well the useless knowledge that he has buried himself in. He feeds off of it, and he knows not of which he does. Truly sad, when he lives as though he knows all, though he knows nothing of everything and everything of nothing. Most live that way, he fits in. At least in that regard
He is the one I have let the closest to me, my best of best friends, though I love all my friends, love them all with the love I can never give myself. As I said, I am lost, and I have nothing but a guideline to help me find my way, and the page is worn and hardly visible. I love him. There, I said it, kind of anyways. It is more than I am willing to ever admit out loud.
You see, it's funny. He walks around acting like his world is dead, his whole life and his whole past and his whole future…is gone. He thinks he has seen the worst, he thinks he knows the darkest corners of the world, when really, he knows only a glimpse of what I have to go through everyday, but I do not fault him. He has had it rough, I know, but more than that, I could never bring myself to tell him to shove it. He deserves to grieve, even if his way is a little unorthodox.
Plus, I refuse to play the 'who has it the worst game'. It's disgusting, and I'm not looking for pity from the others.
He may, I am not.
He would never admit it to you, and that's kind of how I know. He wants your pity, he wants to be taken care of, he is absolutely screaming for help and I know it. Those of us in pain know that you only draw more attention to yourself if you act like something is wrong. He practically has a sign around his neck saying he wants your pity. He just doesn't want to loose his pride.
What he doesn't know is he already has lost his pride. Maybe not to others, the ones who pity him, but to me. He gave up the fight. He couldn't hide it, he couldn't stop it from consuming him. He is not as strong as those around us make him out to be.
I can never admit my love to him, ever. We are friends, and I already know he doesn't love me that way. Who could, I am a very messed up person, maybe not physically, but emotionally, mentally, I was spent when I was seven. If I were to tell him I loved him, he would either never come near me again. Or he would say he loves me too, but it would never be real. It would only be out of a sense to repent for his sins, and his refusal to make more.
I am something I cannot fathom, as I have said before. I am not one emotion, I am many, many many many many many different things, so many I cannot count, nor describe them all. I can be a very cheerful person, and I do not always fake it. There are times when I am truly happy, most of them being with you guys. I love you guys. But, I have my dark moments, when the urge to be sinful, be dark, become the killer that runs through my veins, my very being comes out, and my eyes flash. I know they do. I can be serious and polite, remarking quickly and cleverly, and only being what you want of me, and even more. And there are times, like now, that I am numb.
Numb
So very cold.
Chilled
Iced
I have no fear of truth now, none at all. Unlike the many other phases of me, this one has no fear at all. No feeling, no dread. Maybe only a little bitterness. A sour taste in my mouth, eyes lidded, as though sleepy, yet calm, and free, as though I am floating, an outer body experience one could say. Really, it is rather hard to explain this phase of me.
I hope this isn't to much to dump on you at one time, but it must be done, I am compelled to do it. I have a feeling that when all is said and done, all will be well, for all that is, even me.
I have always had a inner nagging to commit suicide, though it was always small and easily brushed off. I had always thought of suicide as a way out, a way to be a coward, to die unhonorably, and to run from fixable problems. I am being a hypocrite. For what I am about to do is just that.
Don't cry, or cry, whatever helps with what your feeling. I will be, hopefully, gone by then.
I don't know why I am writing this letter. I just felt the need. I was always one to go on impulse. I think it's time, for one. Another reason. Maybe I hope you'll stop me. Maybe when you'll find this letter, you'll come get me, and now that you all know my secrets, I won't have to tell you to your faces, you can just hold me and rock me while I sob into your arms.
As I said before, I am numb, this phase allows me to forget my pride. Don't know why, nor do I care.
I am sorry for doing things this way I hope you can forgive me.
Tifa, you are my sister, and my mother, in a way. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Your kindness, only grows with the passing of everyday. I hope you and cloud get together some day, I hope you have lots of children with your personality and you have a charming life. That's all I can think of when I see you and Cloud with a family. Charming. And beautiful too.
Reeve, I cannot have asked for a better boss. But, you were more than that; you were a great friend, a mentor. I always strived to impress you with my knowledge, I knew none more brilliant that you Reeve, none at all. I will miss our conversations.
Barret, you never knew, but I think I owe my largest thanks to you. Without you, I would not have met the people that would come to be like family to me. No, they are my family. You were always brutally honest and stubborn, but you have a heart the size of the stars, and that is more than I can say for most. Thank you, it will never be said enough to you.
Nanaki, so wise, so soft and gentle, so very much more than I can ever hope to describe. I hope your rule over the canyon is prosperous, and that you find all there is to know about the planet. You have never yelled at me. I am grateful for that. You have been one of my most trusted people for as long as I have known you. I could not ask for better comfort then that you have given me, in those restless nights in the forest, you would curl up beside me. I don't think you ever realized how much that helped, or how much it meant to know someone cared.
Cid, if I ever could have picked my dad, it would have been you. I know we teased eachother, I know that we shared insults and swapped swears, but you cared for me. I know, it always brought a smile to my face the times you protected me, no matter how much I didn't need it. Help is always welcomed, even if the person your protecting doesn't admit it. I never admitted it Cid, but your help…it helped.
Shera, I don't think I have ever met someone as welcoming as you. You didn't care if I woke you and Cid up in the middle of the night. Or if I accidentally tracked mud into your house. And you always insisted on taking care of me when I was sick. I think my mom would have been like you, had she lived on. It's nice to know my mom. Shera, thanks for being my mom, I really miss her.
Cloud, oh you silly chocobo headed birdbrain. When are you going to wake up and smell the bird food? You are in love with Tifa. I hope that isn't too much of a shock to ya. Cloud, you have always listened to me. Some people just hear, they don't listen. You always listened. Cloud, I know this is kinda touchy feely but, you are not him cloud you are not him. He asked you to live his life for him, but that doesn't mean your life had to be thrown out the window. You fought all his battles already now cloud, you fought all that he needed to win. Now, now it's relaxing time. The finding the family part and settling all down, that's all you cloud, that's you. He didn't mean become him. He meant just fight for him what he cannot. Cloud, I hope you get everything you deserve in this life. I hope your happiness comes. And I'm happy you've finally started acting human again.
Vincent, you're the hardest one to talk about in this little letter. You're my best friend, my little adventurer when I go traveling, and get myself into crazy situations that I wonder if I'll live to see anyone ever again. I wonder if this is really what it's like, to be in love. It's not like in the movies where they have to sacrifice all this crap for another and then they fall in love and all that stuff. Love is just how you feel when your around that person. Love is not always both ways. Unrequited love is the most common of all. But it's real. When I'm a round you Vincent, it's like I'm whole, like nothing else in the world matters but you and you are my sun, my gravitational pull. When I'm with you, I don't care about anything, because nothing is more important then you, and what you make me feel like. The world didn't feel cold when you came Vincent, it felt like silk, and satin and lazy afternoons and early sunsets and a clear night of stars and sleeping for all eternity. I didn't need anything more than what you gave me Vincent; just knowing you was more than I could have ever asked for.
My friends, or whoever finds this, I hope that this helps you in some way. It helped me. But maybe I'm just being selfish. My life has only ever had happy moments because of you guys, but I could not drag you into my world. My world is coming to get me; to take me away were you cannot reach me, lest you get caught in the inky darkness. I will not let you be stuck in that world.
I would never forgive my self; I could never rest completely like that.
I love you all; it is all I can give to you.
~Yuffie kisaragi~
Yuffie put the pen down, rereading the letter she had written as a final farewell. She was not smiling, but she was not frowning either, and she fingered the paper gently for a few lingering moments before she put it down and stood up.
Walking over to her bed, she began to strip herself of her clothes and climbed into the bed that Tifa had made up with clean sheets for her earlier that day. She snuggled up under the comforter in nothing but her underwear and sighed, sounding as though she had just run a twenty-five mile race. She looked out the window above her bed.
The rain trailed tears down the windowpane and the world beyond was blurry and indecipherable. She moved her raven bangs from blocking her silver eyes and took one last look out the window before she turned over and fell asleep.
It would be the last time she slept in that bed, or looked out that window.
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Two weeks later
Tifa opened the blinds in the bar to see a beautiful sun lit morning light up the world. She smiled as she continued to set up the bar for the day, putting down stools and wiping the bar clean of any dust or grime.
She heard the steps creak as someone began to walk down the stairs. She looked up quickly from her cleaning to see a sleepy Cloud rubbing his eyes and getting ready for his deliveries for the day. He yawned and smiled sleepily at her as he walked over and took a seat at the bar, sitting directly in front of Tifa.
Cloud yawned one more time "Morning Tifa"
"Morning Cloud, what would you like for breakfast?"
He scratched his chin for a second and thought, "Egg and toast would be nice"
Tifa smiled and dried her hands on a towel. "Okay, coming right up" She walked over to the door and went into the kitchen humming as she got out a pan and a carton of eggs and put them on the counter. She lit up the stove and started to crack an egg, but paused. "How many eggs you want Cloud" she called out through the wall to the bar.
He yelled back "Three please, and three pieces of toast too"
"Okay" She giggled to herself as she began cracking the eggs open and frying them in the now heated pan. "He sure does eat a lot these days, at least when he was depressed I cooked less" she whispered in a playful tone, talking to herself.
She finished preparing both herself and Clouds eggs and toast and seated herself down at the bar across from cloud, handing him his plate and beginning to eat hers. Cloud dug in heartily, having to leave in the next fifteen minutes if he wanted to make his deliveries on time. He cleared his throat. "Where are Marlene and Denzel, don't they have school today?"
Tifa looked up from her half finished breakfast and blinked. Her brain then caught up with her and she processed the question. "They have spring break this week, so no school for them".
She sighed a bit. "They're going to be a bit of a handful all day when I'm running the bar. I had hoped Yuffie would stop by to help, but I can't seem to get a hold of her" She frowned and continued eating.
Cloud frowned as well, not liking the look on her face. "Well, she was here two weeks ago, what happened between then and now?" He swallowed the egg in his mouth and continued "Usually I can't get her to leave unless she has a mission."
Tifa's frown deepened and she responded "She said she was going to visit everyone and then she had to go back to Wutai for something, she didn't seem too thrilled about it though" she pulled something out her pocket. " and she gave me this envelope, telling me not to open it till I knew when" She flipped it over, inspecting it with a curious eye " Wonder what she meant by that"
Cloud's face turned confused. "Yeah" He didn't finish whatever thought he was thinking and instead focused on continuing to devour his breakfast after taking a quick peak at the clock for it to tell him he had to leave in five minutes.
Tifa picked up their plates when they were done and turned on the bar's T.V as she made her way into the kitchen and placed them in the sink. The T.V could be heard through the wall.
-Today's weather will be sunny, with clear skies. Current temperature: 74 degrees, High today: 87 degrees, chance of rain, 30% and here's your week ahead-
Tifa quickly did the dishes and scurried out of the kitchen as she heard Cloud get his goggles and boots on. She came out just as he went upstairs to go get his sword, almost forgotten in his haste not to be late. She sat down with a cup of coffee she had gotten in the kitchen and took a sip as she watched the news
-Good morning to you this Monday morning, but it hasn't been such a good morning in all parts of the world. It seems this morning is the breaking light of what appears to be a very dark and tragic night-
Cloud made his way over to the door and waved to Tifa as he started to push it open, the bell tinkling over the entry way. Tifa turned around and waved back "Bye Cloud" He nodded to her as she turned back to the T.V.
-Yesterday was the wedding of the throne of Wutai to a high-class citizen of the country. But as fate would have it, these two would never finish saying their vows. Yuffie Kisaragi, princess to Wutai, has been shot several times. Reports are saying it happened right before she said I do and all attending the wedding are currently being questioned. Investigators tell us that a gun was found in her hand when her body was being taken to the hospital. There have been no updates on how she is doing-
Cloud stopped half way out the door, snapping around quickly he practically ran over to Tifa. Tifa, shocked out of her mind, could only numbly reach for the remote to turn it up. No, please let it just be I'm hearing wrong!
-She is in severe condition though and a full investigation will be taking place. The Emperor of Wutai, so upset by these horrendous events could not even properly form a sentence, trembling as he was quickly escorted out of the area to a safer place, just incase this was an assassination of some type. That is all for now, we will be keeping you updated as the day goes-
Tifa was shaking, tears dripping down her cheeks and drenching her face. She sniffled and turned to look at Cloud. He looked almost as bad as her, a hollow look in his eyes as his mouth was held ajar in shock. His face was twisted into a painful look of anguish. He looked at her and she nodded.
"I'll wake the kids" She sniffled and began to hastily make her way upstairs. She started to full on cry now and her voice cracked pitifully "You call the others, see what they know".
Cloud nodded, hollow as ever.
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They were the only ones at the funeral the next week. All looking pitiful in their sorrow for their recently deceased friend.
Barret was shaking with huge tears running down his face, eyes red, holding a hysterically crying Marlene.
Nanaki was looking at the ground, head bowed in mourning and if you could see his face, it was as though he were crying with no tears.
Cid stood next to the sobbing Shera, holding her close and mumbling swears ever couple of moments, his face twisted, as Clouds was the day he saw the newscast. His eyes were red and blotchy, and bags hung under his eyes, as well as all the others, from a lack of sleep.
Cloud stood under a near by tree, head down, arms crossed, tears trailing off the tip of his nose. Even his hair seemed mopey, hanging down in chunks around his face instead of spiked up, as per norm.
Tifa was kneeling on the ground, shaking uncontrollably and loudly crying into her arms folded across her knees. Her hair was askew and she was very pale. She hadn't stopped crying since the news feed. Denzel sat beside her, crying into her shoulder and neck.
Reeve, was looking at the dark sky, eyes closed tightly, with his hands balled into fists at his side. His shaking was kept to a minimal. HE seemed to be asking the sky how. How could someone like Yuffie die now? The sky only answered with more rain and a darkening cloud passing overhead.
Vincent was closest to the grave sight, eyes transfixed on the casket as it was buried and the priest said his words. He was shaking just as bad as Tifa, paler than he had ever been before, and eyes bloodshot as well. His face looked as though putting into a deep mask of sadness. The others had never seen him so sad, or they would have, but they were a little busy trying to deal with their own sorrow.
The all had been fighting the entire week with reporters and the government to let Yuffie be buried here in her favorite field then in a public tomb as they do in Wutai.
Godo had wanted her buried in Wutai as well. But as it would happen, the rest of the world, and the country agreed that the White Rose should have a Private burial outside of Wutai, not opened to the public.
That was only half the battle though.
They had all gathered in Wutai Hospital where Yuffie was pronounced dead, a day after the shooting. As the days past, they all began to piece together the princesses last few days of life.
Tifa opened the letter on the way to the hospital, and she showed it to the others when she got there. They were all deeply distressed of course, most of them breaking into even more tears then before.
After a little bit of digging, they found out that Yuffie had hid the wedding from them, not wanting to drag them into troublesome affairs. It was an arranged marriage, and Yuffie would have been forbidden to leave the country if she had been married. Her status as a ninja would have been stripped and all knowledge of her help to save the planet would have immediately been taken out of all books.
In Wutai, a woman is always a lower status then her husband, always. If she were to marry, she would have been infact higher than him, but seeing as she is female, it was not allowed, forcing the council to strip her of her status and condemn her to house life.
Yuffie refused of course, refused to take part in the marriage and refused to be put under house arrest. Yuffie was forced anyways, and as later autopsies would show, she was rapped by her fiancé and tied to a bed until the day of the wedding.
She being a ninja and a great friend to all the females that worked in the royal family palace, was able to convince them to leave her be for a few minutes, giving herself time to find a weapon safely hidden away in her room. She found the gun Vincent had given her for her twenty-first birthday. She hid it under her wedding kimono sleeve, and shot herself in the heart before they were legally married.
They all felt a heavy cloak of depression descend upon them as the days passed and they found more and more info about what really went on in her life away from them. They had had no idea the little ninja had gone through so much.
In the end, they were able to receive a closed funeral for her.
The day was dreary and they all began to say their good-byes. The girls went up first, bearing flowers, White roses to be precise. Their were twenty one of them. Denzel went up with them as well.
" I'm so sorry Yuffie, I'm so sorry" Tifa placed her eleven roses down at the base of the stone. "I hope you're happy where you are now, say hi to Aerith for me." She smiled sadly through her tears, it was short lived.
Marlene placed her ten down next. " I'm going to miss you Aunt Yuffie." She sniffled quickly "I'll make sure to remember everything you taught me." She smile then ran back to her dad.
Denzel stuck his hands in his pockets in an awkward gesture and blow air softly out of his nose. He clenched his eyes then opened them. "I'm happy I was able to meet you Aunt Yuffie." He turned even more serious, his face almost looking like clouds. "I don't know the whole story yet, but I know you had it rough." He sighed deeply and looked one last time at the grave before he turned around and whispered softly. "I know what it's like to be alone too."
Nanaki padded softly up to the freshly laid dirt. He tilted his head and looked down at it softly. "Even your grave seems cheerful" he whisper quietly. "Sleep well little one".
Shera, Cid, and Barret all came up as Nanaki lay down by Marlene and nuzzled her.
"Hope to see you again one day kid" Cid said, surprisingly without swearing. "I don't know if I will though, considering the way I cuss" He chuckled roughly and smiled brokenly.
Shera pulled Cid closer to her. " I always thought of you as a daughter Yuffie" She sniffled loudly. "You were a really nice daughter" Her voice broke at the end and she tucked her face in between Cid's neck and Shoulder, crying hysterically again. He patted her on the back gently and led her back towards the others.
Barret shook his head at the grave. "I never knew Yuffs" He shook his head again. "I never knew." He smiled in sorrow before continuing on, his voice cracking from time to time, his mind on the letter she had written. "But thanks, you never heard those words enough either." He walked away, shoulders slumped and head down as he tried to gain control of his tears.
Cloud walked over to the grave of the ninja next, kneeling down next to it and touching the tombstone. "Yuffie…Find your happiness as well"
His face was very serious, and his voice came out smoothly. But his eyes still dripped tears as they made two rivers down his pale cheeks. He got and walked over to Tifa and put his arms around her.
Cloud looked at the group. " I think it's time we leave" His eyes flashed towards Vincent's before he continued. "We've said all we can" The group softly voiced their consent and they strolled lazily, as though in a haze, out of the little field and back into the city of edge. Vincent stayed behind, resting his hands on the stone, same place clouds hand had been.
"Yuffie" He closed his watery eyes tightly before he opened them to stare hard at the sky. "Why didn't you say anything" He started to speak louder. " Why didn't you let anyone know!? Why didn't you ask for our help!? Why!? Why?!" He slammed his fist down on the grass and breathed heavily.
"Why?" He whispered to her grave after a while. "Why?"
The breeze picked up and the rain died down and as it blew through the trees it almost sounded as if someone were laughing. No, it sounded like her laugh. It happened a few more times before he picked his head up to look around. Nothing
'I'm crazy' He shook his head and stood up, placing his unemotional face back on. It cracked as he said his final words to Yuffie, his little princess. " I loved you to Yuffie, I just didn't know how to say it." He shook his head at his inadequate sentence. " I didn't even know how to show it, but I did, maybe I realized it a little late, but I did."
He sigh shakily "Those times when we went traveling mean lot to me. You are my best friend. Nothing will change that." His faced held a deep determination as he said the next part. "Not even death." He whispered.
He wiped his tears off with the back of his hand and kissed his fingertips, brushing it on the stone before he turned and went to follow the others.
The breeze swept through again, but instead of laughter, he was sure he heard a soft gasp.
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In another world, Yuffie brought her hands to her lips in astonishment.
It didn't last long as her face turned to one of happiness.
'Maybe a little late Vincent' she smirked in a soft kind of way 'but hey, only going to be another sixty years before you meet me again, and of course, I'll be watching'
She giggle and it echoed un earthly around the little meadow. She turned to her friend in pink and the man next to her in black 'I think they'll be fine, just fine indeed'
Aerith nodded her approval and made her way to Yuffie and took hold of her hand 'they are Yuffie, and don't worry sixty years will pass by in a snap' she snapped her fingers to make her point clearer and started to lead the girl back to the man in black 'you know Zach right?'
Yuffie nodded 'but of course, pleasure to meet ya' she shook hands with him and he nodded back in greeting, looking at Aerith before walking over and giving her a kiss on the cheek. They all began to head back into the light.
'Hey' Aerith looked back at the ninja.
'Ya Yuffie?' she asked
' Think I could see my mom?' She bit her lip.
Aerith thought for a moment, and then nodded her head with a smile. 'That's very do-able Yuffie' She nodded her head again. 'Yes, very much possible'
'Yes!' Yuffie jumped real quickly with joy and did a fist pump in her excitement. She ran ahead towards the light. She turned before she got to it with a smirk on her face. 'Last one to heaven's a rotten chocobo egg!' she began running again, cackling at their faces.
'Hey!' Aerith quickly ran ahead of Zach and yelled back over her shoulder 'looks like you're the rotten chocobo egg' She laughed at his insulted face and continued after Yuffie.
Zach quickly started running 'Hey, I don't look anything like Cloud's rotten offspring!' He smiled as they all disappeared into the light, the girl's laughter fading in the white room.
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Okay, so the ending was kind of a break from all the angst in the first half of the story, because by then I was back to normal and I was kind of over the whole angst scene.
The whole fic is full of wholes and a lot of it is still inside my head, but I'm not quite sure how to put it into words yet. But no fear! I plan on making a huge long novel like fic that will be explaining this all in detail. I just need to work on my writing first. It kinda sucks, at least I think so.
I personally like this, not a lot, but I don't think it's that bad. I think I will probably fix some of the detail at a later date, but for now I just want to get this thing posted.
I really hope you guys review this, I'm feeling a little disappointed that my other story hasn't been reviewed yet, so please cheer me up and review. It would make me reallllllllllllly happy. ;)
Oh! And I hope I didn't offend anyone's religious beliefs in this with heaven and stuff. Personally I believe in heave, but you can change it a bit if you want.
Thanks to all that took the time to read this.
Love to all
~Tooodles~
