Dark. Dark. Forever Dark. Sometimes I couldn't see at all, and other times only too clearly.
I can only tell you these things because of these events. You may not understand. Before, no one had ever felt the need to teach me words. I knew my own name, 116, I knew what I often sat in was 'box'. I never knew any of this was wrong.
I didn't know names should not be numbers, but things like 'Elizabeth' or 'Annie'. I did not know the words home or freedom, or that I should have these things.
Mentally, I was both a child and an elder, knowing how to move yet not acting on that knowledge, knowing how to make noise and form simple words.
The rest of my vocabulary was no, yes, food, walk, fly, run, brush, bath, bathroom.
I was always dressed in a simple white dress. I'll never know why.
I had seen people before. They gave me hairbrushes and dresses, walked me through blindingly bright hallways. They also called me a freak. It was hard to see that I was a freak though. All of my dresses had solid backs.
I told you my vocabulary included the word fly. That is because those things on my back, covered with feathers and sometimes blood, could do this. The blood occurred when I got distressed. I would pull out feathers before calming down.
I never knew pain wasn't the only way, or that anyone would find it wrong. Those men that watched me fly in a bigger room never said anything about the down that clearly wasn't there anymore.
I had only met one woman. Her hair looked just a little shorter than what mine felt like, and she seemed warmer. I liked her, and spent hours wondering why she dressed differently than everyone else.
She told me it was 1899. She told I was 9 years old; that she wished my name was Faith. She changed my pristine white dress in for a darker one with holes in the back that my wings could stretch through and put boots on my feet. She told me my wings were precious, and then covered them with a jacket, saying that others wouldn't understand.
I didn't understand most of this. I had recognized name and wings. But I heard the emotion loud and clear. She was desperate, anxious, and sad. Yet I worked to memorize each of the seemingly mismatched sounds to decode some other time.
After that, she sent me away, into the sky. I had been on an island. Even though she brought me to the shore, I had to fly farther than I ever had before.
By the time I landed, blinded by wind, not knowing if I would depart over land or water, pain was shooting through the muscles in back. I wasn't used to pain. I didn't recognize the sensation, but I certainly didn't like it.
Landing wasn't normally hard, but not being able to see made it perilous. It was all I could do to get both feet on the ground. I was on land, not water, which I was thankful for. I stumbled after a few steps and fell, too worn out to do anything but sleep exactly where I had landed.
I don't know what decided I should be rescued. What decided I should be a little bit normal. I know that I love that thing.
I found myself being shaken awake. The boy that had done the shaking was saying words I didn't understand, so I focused to the tone it was in, and what he looked like.
He had light brown skin, curly brown hair, and dark brown eyes. He wore a cap on his head, and the rest of his clothes were very simple. The voice he was using was questioning and concerned.
I heard the word name, and by reflex I blurted '116.' He looked at me, puzzled, then repeated his question. Again I heard 'name', and again one-sixteen left my mouth without a thought.
His voice was now skeptical, and my name was in the sentence. All I could do was give a blank look as he spoke in a language I did not know.
Eventually, he figured out I did not speak and tore himself away from me, no doubt assuming I had somewhere to go…or that I had escaped from somewhere.
But I was not ready to let him leave. I followed him, and sat myself not four feet away from where he stood, yelling something. He knew I was there. He glanced at me every now and then. It didn't matter if he knew. I wasn't moving.
I didn't grow bored, as you might think. I had gone through hours in nothingness, and now there was so much. There were people everywhere. Women and men, children. It was as though everyone was in a hurry.
The boy approached me again, hours later. He pointed to himself and said clearly 'Mush'. His name was Mush, and nothing about that seemed wrong to me. I repeated the motion, saying '116'.
He smiled a little bit, and now I was filled with confusion as well.
I liked this boy, though. That's why I followed him in the first place. His face had the warmth that the woman's had, and I had suddenly longed for her back. So I followed him.
He left me again, and the only thing I could think of doing was continuing to follow him. He didn't notice this until he met up with another boy. This one seemed almost warmer, with blond hair and a single blue eye.
This one pointed at me, speaking again in that language I did not understand. Mush turned around, his eyes searching until they landed on my face. His face was shocked, then confused.
Mush and his friend began speaking quickly as they approached me. Mush mentioned my name, and his name. When they reached me, the blond one knelt down, pointed to himself, and clearly stated, 'Blink'. Once again, I found nothing wrong with this being his name. I repeated the motion and said '116'.
Blink picked me up, momentarily confusing me again. At first, my reaction was to fly away, until I remembered that the woman had warned me not to.
So I remained in his arms, wondering if he could feel my wings through my jacket. Mush walked along beside us. They were approaching a large building.
When we reached it, they knocked on the door. A large woman answered, and they all began speaking in those words I'd never heard. Nothing sounded familiar this time.
The woman shook her head and took me from Blink. My only reaction was fear. I didn't know this woman. She was not warm or soft.
Fear made me panic, which automatically made me scream. I screamed as they passed me to this woman, I was terrified.
They looked at me sadly, and walked away.
The woman did not try to speak to me as she carried me through a few hallways, into a room where many other girls sat or slept.
She tried to remove my jacket. More fear, more screams. It was just my normal reactions. She immediately stopped, and left the room.
I didn't get to know the other girls, even though they tried to introduce themselves. I simply lay there, falling asleep on the floor.
The next morning, one of the older girls, named Haley from what I could gather, led me and a few others outside. The other girls talked cheerfully with Haley, ignoring me. I was alright with this though. The city fascinated me.
We walked through Central Park when most of the others began complaining, so they sat down, leaving me to wander where Haley could still see me. Right away, my attention was caught. There was a boy calling out headlines, just like Mush had. From a distance, I could hear his voice but not see his face. His face didn't matter. I knew who he was.
I stopped caring about if Haley could see me, and it wasn't a big concern of mine in the first place. I walked as quickly as I could.
Once I was close enough, I poked him in the back, then simply stood there. He turned around quickly, and shock filled his face when he saw me.
Knowingly and triumphantly, I told him 'Blink.' He nodded and said slowly '116'. I smiled and sat down in the grass next to him.
Blink turned away and began shouting again as I sat there.
After a few minutes of me watching both Blink and the people buying papers from him, Haley ran up, the other girls on her tail.
Haley was shouting at me, relieved. When she reached for me, I screamed shortly. She recoiled, and I grabbed Blink's waist. I felt safer next to him.
Haley directed a question at me, and I answered by pointing at Blink and telling her his name. Haley and Blink began talking. I sat down again, listening to the individual noises they were making.
After about a minute of them speaking, I stood up and grabbed Blink's free hand. I'm not sure why, but it felt right to have my hand in his.
Haley ended up looking defeated, and mentioning the word 'Angel'. I had heard this word before, and it made me perk up. They noticed, but didn't try to ask me about it.
Haley spoke to me quickly, then led the other girls away. Blink stared at me for a long moment, muttered '116', then began shouting again. It wasn't calming to hear him shout, but it wasn't annoying.
I laid there in the grass, loving the feel of it on my arms and legs.
It must have been hours that I just laid there, looking at clouds in the sky and listening to Blink's routine shouts.
Once the sun was beginning to leave, Blink walk over to me and hoisted me over his shoulder. I giggled and he laughed as he walked on.
We were both silent as he walked with me slung over his shoulder, and was getting a bit late. I felt no hunger pangs like someone else might, so I could fall asleep without any issue.
I woke up to louder speaking. There was an older voice as well as Blink's and Mush's. I sat up from where they had set me, the floor, catching their attention.
There was an old man behind a desk looking at me sternly. I didn't like that look, it made me feel small and like I had done something wrong.
Mush pointed at the man, looked at me, and said 'Kloppman', before turning back to his conversation. As a reflex, I pointed to myself and said '116'. Kloppman looked at me oddly, and then also turned back to the boys.
A few others boys were in the room, watching me. The whispers and the stares made me highly uncomfortable and I could feel a bit of panic rise in my chest. So, I did what came naturally.
I carefully reached back into my jacket, feeling my folded wings. I plucked out several pieces of down with a gasp, and set the down on the ground in front of me.
They were looking at me really oddly now. All of them. Mush walked towards me a picked up a bit of the fluff, examining it. He then reaches for my jacket and a short scream leaves my mouth, but he doesn't stop. This equals more fear, which equals more screaming.
But he took off my jacket and saw my wings tucked into my back. Dumbly, he poked one of them and it shot out of my back as a natural defense mechanism to say 'I'm bigger than you! Don't poke me!' Of course, I wasn't bigger than Mush, but it shocked him enough that he pulled away.
I ignored their weird looks as I examined the wings, seeing a few specks of blood on the white feathers. This did not concern me. I pulled my wings back in gently and looked around the room. They stared at me with shock.
Questions were thrown at me and I stared blankly at them all while I pulled my jacket back on. As they al looked at me, still yelling question sat me, I walked over to Blink, jumped onto his back, wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and promptly fell asleep.
My dreams were full of colors that night. Nonsense colors and shapes. Like everything I had seen those past two days distorted and blended.
To anyone else this might be normal. But it was the first night I had dreamed in years.