Growing up with no mother with an angry hotheaded older brother and a drunken father that barely even notices my very existence, my older brother and I were known to have a history of being real close, despite our eight year age difference, though we haven't been as close recently, especially when living with our cold-hearted Aunt Devilena or Aunt Devil as my brother likes to call her who used to abuse me, the one person my older brother hates even more than our own father and he sure has a lot of hostility towards him; and it really irritates Daddy that my brother and I are so close, but my older brother is the only one that I truly feel safe and content with in our dysfunctional family.
Though Daddy blames my brother for supposedly turning me against him when he did that all himself and he expects, even depends on my brother to take care of me, raising me since our mother took off with her new boyfriend when I was only three months old though still not sure how our mother could be married to Daddy and have a boyfriend at the same time, while our father was much too busy drinking away all his problems instead of dealing with his damn issues and he resents my brother for taking care of me even if he was never interested in being a father to me; and because I rely on and trust my brother more than him, Daddy would lash out at me, causing my big brother to jump in to protect me even if it meant Daddy lashing out at him instead.
It is his own damn fault for dumping me on my older brother and not being able to depend on him in the same way as I could my brother, who has always been there for me, giving my father and I a very strained relationship because Daddy is so unpredictable, never wanting to deal with having an eight year old daughter, making me feel like a burden to everyone, especially my brother.
There are times when I feel like such a burden to my family that I really do believe I am unwanted and just a nuisance to everyone around me, even my older brother, especially with how neglected I have been feeling by him lately, that only dealt with me because he had to as our father doesn't bother with anything involving me and there wasn't anyone else that could take care of me, not that he actually wanted me hanging around him, I was just his stupid useless eight year old sister that nobody wants to have around.
My older brother hasn't really noticed me too much these past few months since getting a girlfriend and there wasn't enough time for me and I gave up on trying to get him to do something with me, tired of being rejected for some girl and making me wonder if my big brother actually does care of just tolerates me because I am his little sister and he has to care about me, though if it wasn't for my brother taking care of me as he has done, I would have been taken away from my family and my brother obviously cares enough to not want me getting separated from him.
I know that my brother loves me, even if he has never really told me, but my brother really isn't one for showing his feelings and has only ever told his girlfriend, Evie Harvelle, who was also the older sister to one of my best friends and for some reason she despises me, making it known to me whenever my brother isn't around, that he loves her which had really hurt my feelings that my brother could tell his bitch girlfriend that he loves her when he could never even tell me, obviously loving Evie more than he loves me, if he loves me at all.
Though I am not actually sure if my brother is even aware how awful his girlfriend treats me when he isn't around as I know my brother would never have let her get away with her harsh treatment towards me if he knew, not like I am going to tell him as it would only cause unnecessary drama; though I have no problem treating her the same way around my brother as I would when he isn't around, but I wasn't cruel and I love my brother too much to make him choose, terrified if he ever had to choose between us, he wouldn't choose me.
After our mother took off when I was a baby, our father sent my older brother and I to live with our Aunt Devil and her three spoiled daughters while our father grieved the loss of our mother by drinking away his sorrows, abandoning us just like Momma did until I was six; and terrified that my brother will disappear and abandon me too, I would cling to him, never drifting too far away from him as my brother didn't like when I wasn't in his sight, especially when our Aunt Devil was around making everything so much worse, and who would just hit me for crying, saying I was just acting out for attention.
I had only been four and crying had been the only way that I really knew how to communicate and my brother knew that, but Aunt Devil would always punish me for it as she saw my crying as a sign of disrespect to her though my brother would usually do something to get her attention off of me and onto him even if it meant taking a beating as that was the only way he knew how to protect me at twelve; and if I was to ever cry during punishment, Aunt Devil would punish me worse as according to her, my brother coddled me too much, especially when I would cry and need his comfort, so I learned not cry around her when we lived with her for those awful six years, though it didn't mean I wouldn't breakdown with my brother when Aunt Devil wasn't around and had been so cruel to me that even now, I am petrified of her.
Though I love my brother more than anything, I sometimes hate him for having had the chance to know Momma as I was too young to even remember her before she left and all I really have to go on is what my older brother decides to tell me about Momma, but has told me very little about her, saying I wasn't really missing much and should be damn grateful that I can't remember her as if I didn't have the right to deserve to know anything about my own damn mother, and I sometimes get so angry at him for not telling me more about Momma as our father had removed anything of remembrance of our mother from the house and it never quite seemed fair that my father and older brother have all these great memories with Momma and I don't even know what my own damn mother looks like as Daddy destroyed all photos of her and my brother refuses to really tell me anything else about her.
I know my brother is still very angry and bitter at her for having abandoned us the way she did and though he has every right to be upset with her and I can't really fault him for that as he can remember, she probably didn't really mean to leave us behind and Daddy probably wouldn't let her take us and loves us as she is our Momma so I don't understand what makes my older brother get so cross with me that has me wanting to cry whenever I ask about her; though I know there must be a reason why she left and I just know that Momma will come back for us one day, even though my brother says that will never happen and should be glad that I can't remember her for what kind of mother she had really been like and even if she did decide to come back for us, he had no intention of letting her take me away from him, saying it was for my own good and should just accept it, but if he won't even tell me why, how can I accept it.
After nine years of living with my brother and sleeping in the same room as him, I know almost everything there is to know about my older brother, especially with being a curious eight year old that I am which my brother says is going to get me into serious trouble one day and knowing my big brother, I know that he probably swiped some of the few of Momma's things that she had left behind before Daddy had gotten to them and was too drunk to notice, even if he won't ever admit it to me, obviously not trusting me as I can always tell when my big brother is lying to me.
I know I may only be eight and much more mature for my eight, almost nine years because of not being allowed to have a childhood, though my brother did try to give me one whenever he could, even if it meant sacrificing his own childhood in the process, just so I could have a few moments of happiness, while living with our Aunt Devilena, but my brother still saw me as a little kid that couldn't be trusted that would sometimes set me off into a tantrum which seems to be the only way to get Steve's attention these days, even about my own damn mother and just because I feel close to him, doesn't mean he felt as close to me.
I never really understood what made Aunt Devil despise me so much as I must have done something to have her treat me so poorly that has me petrified of being in the same room as her and screaming for my big brother if she gets too close to me, but my brother hasn't let her near me since I was three and Aunt Devil broke my arm as punishment for having had an accident during naptime and slammed a door in my arm while Steve had been at school, forcing my big brother to go into over-protective older brother mode and get me a babysitter so I wouldn't be left alone with her.
My brother getting me a babysitter is actually how he had met his best friend, Sodapop Curtis which actually is his real name though I like calling him Sodiepop, having had asked him about his funny name when I first met him when I was three which Steve had harshly scolded me for having been so unkind and believing I had let down my big brother and that he was upset with me as he almost never yells at me, I had burst into tears as any other three year old would do when their older brother gets cross with them, but Soda just thought I was cute with all my curious questions and hadn't intended to be rude, I was just being a curious child though Steve doesn't really yell at me too much as he knows how much it upsets me.
Soda's mother had babysat me for Steve while my brother had been at school, refusing to accept any of my brother's money when he tried to pay her for watching me and I took a real liking to her as I didn't have a mother and she treated me nothing like Aunt Devil, who was always harsh and cruel with me; and sometimes I think she likes Steve even more than me and he is always awful towards her, but Mrs. Curtis was always kind and sweet, being nothing but gentle and patient towards me, sometimes even more patient than Steve; and I am the only one my brother has shown any kind of patience or kindness towards, wondering if he secretly resents me for holding him back from having to always take care of me.
It didn't take long for my brother and Soda soon became inseparable and I would sometimes be jealous of their closeness as Steve would give all of his attention to Soda, making me feel real neglected from not having my big brother's attention and I would sometimes just cry for his attention, doing the exact same thing that Aunt Devil already accuses me of doing as I wasn't used to sharing my brother with anyone when I was three and didn't like the idea of having to share him and still don't like sharing Steve with anyone, but it is always just about Soda or Evie, never having any time left for me when I just want some special time with him.
As much as I adore and love Steve, my big brother is also known for having an awful reputation of being an angry hotheaded jerk or a jackass as I sometimes like to call him when he gets that way though never actually said it to his face as saying that would probably only earn me a good swat from my older brother and don't really want to be feeling the back of his hand anytime soon as my big brother sure has quite a hard backhand, coming from all that fighting and always working on cars for his job that I know he loves to do though Daddy has given me so much worse for less, but I am the only one Steve has never been a jerk to in his seventeen years, having even sometimes been a jerk to Soda and Evie so I guess that is my brother's own way of showing how much he loves me.
We have always grown up being rather poor as most of our family and neighborhood was which is all that I have ever really known, never having much of anything besides a few dresses and dolls though I have never been one to really want much, grateful for what I do have in life and have grown used to how things are, remembering how my older brother got a job at a gas station before he was even old enough for his gift of fixing cars and gave up his chance of playing for the football team at his school as he had wanted to do that could have helped him attend college though sometimes he plays football with his friends, to get an after school job so he could support us.
It just never seemed fair that it was always Steve that has to give everything up because Daddy couldn't even bother to take care of us, but Daddy has a job too so why can't he bother to take care of us when we were supposed to be his responsibility or even pay his own damn bills that I know Steve pays for him which is why I can't help but resent my father, not seeming fair to my older brother to always have to pick up after him and just tells me not to worry about it as I was much too young to really understand and he will take care of everything, wanting me to just be a child and not have to worry about money, but how could I just leave my brother to always worry about bills being paid while I can just be the hyperactive child which sometimes drives Steve crazy and seems to only get me in trouble even if that is what he wants.
Though I already knew some of the basics about Socs versus Greasers, with the Socs that live on the rich side of town, hating us with extreme passion while enjoying beating up on all Greasers though I don't understand why they find that so much fun, and the Greasers like my older brother and me that live in rundown homes with very few clothes and personal items; Steve has told me very little, wanting to keep me out of the hatred between the groups as I was only eight and too young to be involved, but there is no way I can actually stay uninvolved even if I was eight as I was forced to be involved, even though I didn't want to be involved as the hatred with Socs and Greasers is all over Tulsa and it never seemed fair that Greasers are always blamed for everything and haven't really gotten around to telling Steve that it was no use on trying to not keep me involved as I was already labeled a troublemaker for just being a Greaser and because of my brother which just doesn't seem right to me.
Since summer began a couple of months ago, I was mostly staying at home on my own which was a first for me as I have never been allowed to stay at home by myself before while Daddy and Steve were both at work and sometimes having to stay at home by myself all day scares me even more than facing my Daddy alone while he is drunk and I am terrified of being in the same room with him when he is like that, though Steve believes that Daddy got me a babysitter as that is what Daddy has told him, threatening to beat me bloody if I was to tell Steve and I know that he is going to be pissed when he learns that Daddy has been leaving me at home by myself all day.
If he knew, Steve would have normally left me with the Curtis's like he has been doing since I was three, but since the death of the Curtis parents a few months ago, not realizing just how attached I got as I have never allowed myself to get close to anyone but Steve before as Soda's mom had been the only female I dared to ever get close to that I could do girl things with that I have lacked while living with Daddy and Steve; and with the oldest Curtis brother having to care for his younger brother's, Steve doesn't have it in him to ask the Curtis brothers if they could still babysit me while he is at work or out on another one of his dumb dates with his bitchy girlfriend as they have too much to deal with without having to worry about watching me.
Though Daddy has been leaving me on my own, I haven't exactly been staying at home by myself, remembering the time when I had been left at home with my cousins while Steve had been sick and they thought it would be funny to scare me with a stuffed clown, knowing I was uneasy about clowns, but after that incident, not only was I terrified of staying alone, I was also petrified of clowns so as soon as my brother and Daddy leave, I go over to one of my friends house to play and come back home before my brother gets home from work and though I was never told that I couldn't go out and play with friends, I know it was implied that I was to tell my brother but doesn't really notice me too much anymore anyway.
While we are real poor and barely have anything, I don't think it is fair that everything that happens in Tulsa is always blamed on Greasers when most of the time we aren't even involved, but because Greasers are poor and live on the rough side of town, cops always accuse us which doesn't seem right as my brother is a Greaser while having genes of an elfish race that keeps us young and immortal once we fully develop and Steve says it is common for siblings, especially ones that are as close as I am to Steve, to develop and stop aging together and while Greasers have an elfish race where we bend natural elements with magic, Socs have an half vampire- half human race with no magic to wield with basic immortality though Greasers are not exactly known for doing things quietly, especially my big brother and I am much more than just Steve Randle's little sister which isn't always easy as being his little sister always seems to make people think the worse of me, I was Riley Randle and like my big brother, I am strongly opinionated and not known for going along with things quietly and only ever quiet when I am distressed and shut down as Steve calls it, from having picked up Steve's mouth as he is the one that has raised me.