The Butterflies within the Hurricane

I knew before anyone told me. Rather than a comfort, that infuriates me. At one time we had all been so connected, so uniform to one another. We had been four distinct individuals that fused together on a level of silent inhibitions and worked to overcome them. We raised the bar for each other, pushed and molded the platform higher and higher. We looked out for one another as brothers, as family, bound with a unique bond.

Long before most, I learned life was not easy to live. Becoming plagued with an undesirable ailment once a month, I learned an early lesson of hardships. And befriending souls who risked everything to ensure that I would not be alone taught me the beautiful side of life.

My faith, my will, and my hope all came from these three friends. I learned, once again, what it meant to live life full of purpose. I could afford to push back my insecurities and let myself emerge. I learned the best medicine for any illness was laughter. And nothing could substitute the laughter encouraged from the hearts of those who care.

And that's why it stung like nothing I had ever felt. That's why it still stings, but I carry on. I must carry on. I had long since accepted death; it was all around me. Not a day went by that I didn't hear of someone, somewhere, that I knew either closely or by association, who had died. Although the heart continues beating, it becomes numb to the fog encompassing it.

Losing someone who helped you live, who helped you be happy in the light of the events happening around us – it killed a part of me. But to lose three people whom you cared deeply for due to selfish and inconsiderate reasons…not only did a part of me die, I lost myself.

It never felt right. It never settled, as it should have. I knew that losing my three best mates at once would never be something I'd simply get over. I knew that losing perhaps the strongest witch I'd ever encountered wouldn't swallow easy, either, and I certainly knew that knowing the young and innocent survivor would grow up to never know his family would never be something I'd forgive.

But somehow, it just never sat right with me. They were best friends. Since their meeting on the very first train ride, the two never did anything apart. Sirius even popped in on James and Lily's honeymoon! They could read each other's minds without a questioning glance. They finished each other's thoughts, for Merlin's sake.

And God rest his soul, but Peter? Of all the years knowing him, he's the last person I'd imagine having the guts to stand up to a bully. Hell, I could never get him to stand up to Sirius in the past…

I should be proud of the bloke, confronting Sirius as he did, but…that just doesn't feel right either. Peter should have been afraid, upset, confused, crying on my shoulder…he wouldn't have gone straight away to find Sirius. He would have waited for me. He should have waited for me.

But none of this matters anymore. They're all gone. In one swift motion, I lost them all. I can't even have Harry. I have nothing. All I have is what's left of my broken faith, will, and hope. And now I sit and wait for the future.

I sit at the edge of the lake, looking out across the choppy water. The air is cold, bitter almost, like my state of mind. The early winter winds make others stay inside, but I'm numb, I hold so much pain I don't realize I even hurt anymore.

This was once my playground. This was once where the worst tribulations were who to ask to Hogsmeade. These grounds are where I grew up. Memories assault my mind in waves, causing my eyes to tear. The happy recollections don't even make me smile; they only make the reality sting more.

Times were rough. It saddened me to realize that this war was a relief for me. I was secure in my current job, working for Albus Dumbledore in the Order. If not for him, I'd have a difficult task in finding employment. Not many establishments were keen on hiring a werewolf.

The efforts we put forth through the Order were exhausting. We worked on our own these days, not being able to trust many. The Ministry was even questionable, who was on the dark side and who wasn't. Politics have never been my forte, but I knew enough to know some just wanted to be on the winning side.

The boys and I, we weren't getting to spend as much time together as we had once been used to. Of course, our living situations had changed, which makes a difference. James and Lily had married, and then had Harry. We were growing up; we had grown up. We had our own lives…

But I never thought we'd grow apart.

James was the first to go, but only because his priorities changed. He finally won the heart of Lily Evans. She deflated his ego enough for him to realize that love moved the wheels of life better than trying to be the best. I was happy for them, for the love that they shared. And to see Harry, the product of their love, only heightened my happiness for them. They had ideals and fought for what felt right.

Peter seemed to have gone next, but maybe that had been a slow process starting years before. He'd always been more of the follower of our group, ever entranced by James. I found it odd that he always seemed more jealous of the relationship James shared with Sirius than with Lily. I'm not exactly sure where Pete was spending his time once he detached himself from his admiration of James, but he was scarcely around after the wedding.

Maybe it was all too much for Sirius. After being disowned from his family, we were his family, especially James. Perhaps losing the constant attention caused him to break.

But that's where it doesn't make sense to me. Sirius was happier for James and Lily than, I think, even James and Lily were. Seeing his best friend receive everything he wanted elated Sirius. He took on his role of best man and godfather as if that's what he had to live for. Those two would have died for each other…not be the cause of death.

Of course, I was highly engrossed in my own doings to notice too much. I threw myself into work for the Order. At the time, it was all I felt I had. We would win eventually; I had to believe that. So, aside from my monthly disappearances, I constantly worked and gave my everything to helping Albus.

That's what I had been doing that night, the night of Halloween. Halloween would bring out those who normally would stay in. It was one night that they didn't let the fear envelope them, and they celebrated. I wasn't a Ministry qualified Auror, but I knew my stuff. We, as in the Order, knew that it was an opportune night for Voldemort and his Deatheaters to strike. I was working overtime, evaluating and re-evaluating information.

I was working when suddenly a chill ran down my spine. I was tired, the full moon only just passed a few days prior, and pushed the feeling aside. My instincts kept gnawing at me, though. Something felt amiss, something felt wrong. I kept rechecking those who were on our list to watch out for, making sure that they were okay. I never checked James and Lily – they had gone in hiding a few days before and I didn't know where they were. Only their secret keeper knew…

I can't say the thought occurred to me then. I can't say I automatically knew they were being attacked, that Sirius betrayed them, us. I wish I would have known that. I wish I could have stopped him, I wish I had seen it coming better. All I knew, at the time, that one of us, just wasn't right at the time.

It was a while after my instincts kicked in that Albus popped in to the office. He told me, with a grave face looking back now, that he needed me to find the address of Lily's muggle sister. I remember giving him a strange look, but without question, I complied.

He left then, to go to Godric's Hollow, I presume. I suppose that's when he knew. That's when my world began to collapse.

I don't know how Peter found out so quickly. I don't know how he knew where to go to find Sirius. I don't know much of anything, really, not anymore. Not when everything I believed in came shattering down upon me.

I can't remember what happened next. I can't remember who told me…who told me that they were gone. I remember feeling nauseous. I remember growing cold, like all the blood in my body drained out. I was in shock. They couldn't be dead, not both of them. I refused to believe it.

Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. I just remember his name replaying in my mind over and over. Whom else would James and Lily make their Secret Keeper? Peter? Albus?

What about Harry? What happened to Harry? What happened to Voldemort? What was going to happen now? I remember feeling like a small child, rocking back and forth, staring at nothing…

And then I found out what happened to Peter. I was livid. I was mortified. I was…angry and hurt.

The betrayer…the spy…we knew there was one. We had known, or at least suspected for a while by then. Suspicions grew and changed almost daily; it was a horrible way to work. Only we all worked so hard…it couldn't have been any of us, none of us directly involved in the Order.

Sirius was the spy. He betrayed us. He betrayed his mates and handed the lives of James and Lily Potter to Voldemort. The one who ran away from home because he disagreed with the darkness his family believed in. Sirius, the one who wanted revenge for his brother's death. The one who we had shared so much of our lives with, grew up with, trusted. The one who James and Lily trusted their lives with betrayed them. He betrayed all of us.

And he didn't stop there. Not only had he turned to the dark side and gave his life to Voldemort, not only did he lead Voldemort to the Potter's, he single handedly killed Peter and twelve muggles.

And when caught, had the audacity to laugh. The bastard laughed in the face of his friends' deaths. He laughed at the downfall of his master. He laughed as he said goodbye to his life and headed for Azkaban.

I still can't remember who told me, or even where I was when I found out. But I remember feeling it. I remember the rage that overtook my body, the anguish that pushed the shock away and crumbled my sense of control.

I was conscious of what I must have felt in my werewolf form. I needed an outlet; I needed to rid myself of this poison information in my body, in my soul. I needed to see it for myself. I made for the door, for an escape, but I was grabbed. They held me back. They wouldn't let me leave.

I attacked. My fury acted out. I screamed and yelled, hell, I probably howled. I needed to get to Harry, but they wouldn't understand. They said it was all under control. They said I needed to calm down. I needed to relax. Relax? I had three best friends and one just murdered two of them, and I needed to relax?

I blacked out, then. At least, my memory has blacked out the next couple of days. I have no recollection of where I was or my thoughts. I have no idea if I ate or if I saw anyone.

I awoke this morning in my own crummy bed, in my own small flat. I pinched myself, but to no avail, I was still very much alive. Alive and alone. That's when I thought of Harry again. Harry James Potter was still alive; he'd survived the Dark Lord's attack. No one knew what happened to Voldemort or how Harry had done it, but the point was that Harry was still alive.

And I needed him.

I rushed to Hogwarts, in search of Albus. Merlin, I didn't even care how awful I looked and I never stopped to think. Harry was my last link to the past, to my life; he was my last hope that not all good in the world was gone.

But damn it, what was I thinking? Who the hell am I to think that I could take care of a child? In what state of mind did I actually think the Ministry would allow me to take care of a child?

Damn it all to hell.

"Remus, you know that you will play a role in the future of Harry. You will not be a diminished part of his past that he will have no recollection of. In honor of those lost, you will continue to live your life with your head held high as you always have. Harry will be safe where he is now, he will have the chance to grow and enjoy life. You understand."

I understand. I understand that a werewolf cannot raise a child. I understand that a man of my station in life must continue the walk forward and not crumble. I understand that the memories of my past only serve as a reminder of what once was and what will never be again. I understand that my life as I knew it is no longer and that all I have is the future.

Albus doesn't believe that Voldemort is truly gone and I can't help but agree. He'll be back again someday. The war isn't over, not by a long shot. The Deatheaters are still out there, traitors and spies still walk the streets.

No, this world is not a safe one and Harry will live a happier life where he is now. He will grow up without fear and without the bitter realization that not all of life's happiness shines forever.

I'll be all right. Well enough, at least, to move on.

I know in my heart of hearts that things will be okay. The future can only be bright as today is the darkest day I have known. Growing up is never easy and letting go is the hardest part.

James, Lily, Peter…and even the rest of them, they're all in a better place now. That's what I must tell myself. They're in a place where they're rewarded for their courage, their bravery, and they're in peace.

Sirius is suffering. Not enough, not near enough to understand the degree of his burns.

It still doesn't make sense to me and a part of me wants to refuse to believe it. He didn't even get a trial; they just sent him straight to Azkaban.

The sun is now gone and the stars are hovering above me. The wind has pushed out all the clouds, although it's still cold. My senses spark and I hear laughter in the far distance.

Students out for a late night stroll, breaking the rules. They're celebrating still, laughing because they're safe, because they can laugh. They're making memories and enjoying their innocence.

I remember the four of us sneaking out after dark. I remember us laughing and making our own memories. I close my eyes and I can see us sneaking to the kitchens for a late night snack. I see us testing out the Marauder's Map and celebrating by sneaking out to Hogsmeade for a few butterbeers. I see us laughing and making fun of each other, teasing James over his crush on Lily, teasing me on how much I studied…

James and Peter would live on in my memories, in my heart. Lily would live on with them, and the Sirius I once knew. Someday Harry will know them as I knew them.

Someday it won't hurt as bad. Someday I'll be able to breathe again. Someday revenge will come and shame will shadow the traitor.

There has to be beauty in the eye of the storm; it was what my three best mates taught me. And those four marauders will live on in my memory.

The time before me is not going to be an easy road, but I await the day where we all meet again. I will await the day and greet it merrily when butterflies flutter around me rather than the bitter storm.

But, damn him. Damn him for the pain, the betrayal…and the let down.

Author's Note: Eep, my first one-shot. Just a drabble. I know it's not an update on wdmc – that's coming. This was actually written a few months ago and I was waiting for the Unknowableroom to post it. UR is up and running, although it's very much still a WIP. This is also posted there, and with some lyrics that inspired the fic. (Muse's Butterflies and Hurricanes was the inspiration behind this) I will finish wdmc here, but check out UR (unknowableroom dot org). –smiles- See my profile or LJ for updates. Any comments are always welcome.

……huggles & cookies……

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