Hey guys! So this is my first Harry Potter fanfiction! I am afraid that most of it is terribly OOC, but I hope that it is a good read regardless! I am not a Harry Potter expert by any means, so please, inform me if something is inconsistent with the story line!
Definite TRIGGER WARNINGS for Self Harm. It isn't graphic at all, but the story kind of revolves around it :P
I will love anybody who reviews until the end of time. (Please remember that polite comments receive polite response) :D
Harry Potter sat on the floor, with his back against the side of his bed and his gaze focused intently on his wrist. It had been a year long streak, the one that he intended to break today, and it was proving to be harder said than done.
On one hand, Harry did not want to break this streak. It was an achievement, one he hadn't been sure that he would ever reach, and he knew that the moment that he drew any blood, he would be sealing the deal to becoming an addict once more.
On the other hand though, he was still an addict. He never stopped feeling the urges, and they were just as strong as ever.
Soon his internal war was joined by a third side, a mantra, or more like an internal monologue. It contradicted itself, yelling words like 'Worthless, good-for-nothing freak.' along with 'Why are you doing this? What reason do you have for doing this?'
That moment that Harry thought about it, and thought about 'why', was the moment that his war ended. He wasn't really sure which side won, but it was irrelevant. He had moved on to a bigger issue. 'Why?'
'Why' was he doing this? He was not currently with the Dursley's, nobody had died...recently, his friends weren't fighting with him, in fact, they could walk in at any minute, he was not hidden after all.
To be honest, he was not really sure why he had chosen to do this in his dormitory. Did he want to get found? Did he even want to hurt himself anymore?
As he thought about it, he realised that the urge was not as bad as it was before, but still, as he tried to pull the knife away from his arm, he found that he could not. It was like they were magnetised, and his hand started trembling.
Although the urge was not strong, he realised that it would not go away unless he dealt with it. As he tried to pull the knife towards his arm, he found that he could not do that either.
Harry was not sure how long he had sat there with his hand trembling, it could have been minutes, it could have been hours, but the next thing he knew, he felt warmth on his hand. He moved his gaze from his wrist to the hand holding the knife. He saw a hand in top of his own, and another one gently prying the knife out of it.
After quite a lot of struggling, the hand stopped trying to pry the knife away, and Harry heard a voice - presumably belonging to the hands - strictly but kindly encouraging him, "Potter...Harry...please, let go of the knife." At that moment, it was like the magnet had broken, and the was knife soon in the set of hands in front of him, before it vanished.
A body, presumably belonging to the hand and voice, moved and sat to his left, still gripping his left hand. "It is all going to be okay Harry. You are not in trouble. I don't want you to worry about a thing." The voice told him. Harry knew this voice, and now that he thought about it, he knew the hand as well.
"Professor Snape?" Harry asked, no louder than a whisper.
"Yes Harry." Professor Snape confirmed, trying not to revert to calling him 'Potter'.
"But you hate me...how did you even find me?" Harry thought aloud, before wincing, realising that it probably wasn't the right thing to say.
"The moment that a student becomes a danger to themselves is the moment that my own opinions on this student become redundant. Despite this, I have never hated you, I just see you as rebellious and a rule breaker, two qualities that are dangerous when combined with magic, particularly potions." Harry looked up at this, raising one eyebrow. "You do also remind me of your father. Whom, I will admit, I may not have had the healthiest relationship with." Harry looked back at his hands. That answer seemed a bit more realistic.
"As for how I found you" Severus continued, moving his hand away from Harry's as the trembling had stopped, "You do not think that we would let cutlery from the great hall, let alone a knife, wander around the school do you?" Severus asked in a tone that seemed alien in comparison to the one he usually adopted.
"A knife went missing from the Gryffindor table, you did not turn up for detention, and-" Harry looked up. He knew what the professor was going to say. He knew all along why he wanted to hurt himself, he just did not like to admit it, "tonight does happen to be the anniversary of your parents death." Harry winced at the last one. No matter how many times he heard it, it still made him want to cry.
Severus, noting the change in mood, decided to move the conversation forward. "I thought that I should check on you. You remain unharmed?" He asked. He could not see any blood, but he could not be sure. Harry only nodded, an answer that seemed satisfactory for the time being.
The professor sighed. What was the next step? No matter the amount of times that he had these sorts of conversations with people, they never stopped being so...delicate. "Would you like to talk about it?" Severus asked, "It does not have to be with me, I can fetch anyone for you, Professor McGonagall, the Headmaster, even a healer. I would prefer it were an adult though." He added. Harry shook his head frantically. Talking was not what he wanted.
At a loss for ideas, Severus tried again. "Well then Harry, what would you suggest that I do?" Harry thought for a second, but it was hard. The internal war had begun again and he did not know how to turn it off.
"Could you distract me please, sir?" Harry asked, shyly. He was still embarrassed at being caught at such a vulnerable moment, and was unsure how far the professor was willing to go.
"I am capable, yes, but first I must know what the problem is. It would be idiotic for me to attempt to help you, only to find that I have said something that has upset you further." Harry shrugged, and Severus realised that he was not going to get anything else out of him. Maybe he would need to make him comfortable first.
"Very well", Severus stated. "The first time that I saw your mother-" he began. The story continued, not quite in the bedtime story manner that many used, but Harry enjoyed it all the same.
Harry was surprised to find that the story did help, as his urges had gone almost completely.
"Do you think that you are ready to join the others? There is only so long that I can put a locking spell on that door before they become suspicious and call McGonagall." The professor stated, and he was right. The pair stood up, the younger of the pair a little bit faster.
"Harry, I would really like you to talk to somebody. You do not need to tell them about your...habit...if you do not want to, but I would like for you to have somebody to talk to. Do you think that you can do that?" Severus asked. Harry shrugged in response, keeping his eyes at his professors shoes. "We shall meet up in a few days to discuss. In the mean time, I am going to tell Professor McGonagall that you aren't feeling your greatest so that she will keep an eye on you. I will be in my quarters over the weekend. If you need me, do not hesitate to contact me at any time, whether it is because you need a distraction or want to talk."
Harry nodded and offered a small sideways smile. Severus nodded and went on his way. Maybe this relief was only temporary, but it was relief all the same, and it only grew as Professor McGonagall fussed over him.
Some relief was better than others. He reminded him self of that as he drifted off into a dreamless sleep.