A/N: I started this over four times. I hope you all enjoy it. The M-Rating is for chapters to follow. Language is in this story, possible violence, and eventually man on man sex. Thank you for reading, and please leave a review to help me improve!

Preface

Sometimes feelings come upon us that we do not understand. Sometimes they are feelings that we have been trained not to have. They are feelings that hurt us more then being stabbed with a knife. They are feelings that we want to share, but we can't. These feelings come in many names, but one of those feelings is common to all people, within a certain degree. That particular feeling is love. Its accompaniment is dirt.

Chapter 1: Love Initiated

For the longest time, I believed that I was in love with two special girls. I also wasn't really aware of what love truly is. I still don't fully grasp the concept, but I can assure everyone that it is much more than looking at a person.

When my feelings went out of control, I did mistook it for a brotherly love. But the longer I shared time with him, the more I knew this went beyond brotherly love. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to hug him, to kiss him. I wanted to be held by him. I also felt dirty. I knew that loving another boy was not right. That lesson had been pounded into me with the ferocity of a meat tenderizer. Yet this feeling persisted.

In truth the feeling has persisted since the seventh grade. A mere five months after meeting him, this feeling began. And it has continued on for two years. The strength of this feeling shocks me, and so does the power of the dirt feeling. It is quite degrading to constantly feel like you are as disgusting as a pile of newborn baby shit. And even after two years, I have not figured out how to quell the monster that plagues me.

The bell rang, signifying the end of the day. Having no particular place to be, I stood and stretched, which drew my turtle neck up. As Riley walked past me, she poked it. It created a feeling I understand: joy. I love to be tickled.

As I readjusted my shirt, Riley said, "How are you cutie?"

I smiled at her, "Better now that you are here."

The phoniness sliding off of my tongue sickened me. Although I loved to hang out with Riley, I did not love her the way she wanted me too. When we began dating in eighth grade, I was being completely selfish. I was using it as a shield; one for my family and one for myself. I was using her to hide my true feelings.

"I love you," she said, followed by a peck on the lips.

I returned the sentiment, while thinking, I am a dick, repeatedly. I was beginning to hate myself. I knew I had to end the relationship before it caused more pain, but I just couldn't do it.

She began to wrap her arms around me, but I stopped her, "No time right now, I have to get over to the library. I need a book for English."

"You never have time," she frowned.

I gave her a reassuring smile, "I promise. I will have more than enough time for you tomorrow."

I gave her another peck, and then gathered my books. She was the only person left in the classroom.

I lied to her three times. The first time, I told her I loved her. The second, I said I was going to the library. The third, I promised her I would have time. I knew I would be at a science competition. That would mean another lie tomorrow. I know in my heart, that when I die, I am going straight to hell. Then again, Peter denied Jesus three times, and I doubt he went to hell.

Instead of heading to the library after leaving the school, I traveled to the park. The park was a great place to go to when you feel down. At the park, there is peace. The pond was calm, even as the birds dipped there feet into it. The scent of the flowers was pleasant in the spring time, especially when the breeze was active. The park provided asylum from the real world, and a place to ponder everything.

Normally I sat on a bench and observed my surroundings, but today I decided to change my routine. I sat near the edge of the pond and removed my shoes and socks, and rolled up my pants. I then dipped my toes into the water, just like the birds. The cool of the water countered the heat of my feelings, while drawing my feet deeper into its eternity. I laid back, and looked into the sky. It was a brilliant blue, spotted by a perfect white.

The caress of the water and the perfection of the sky started to take me over. My senses were assaulted with a beauty that has not been felt for over two years. My eyes began to droop. Though I tried to fight it, I knew it was a battle I was doomed to lose. And lose it I did.

When I awoke, the sky's blue had faded to a bloody red. Like a machete, repeatedly stabbed into flesh. The red tainted the perfection. The red took away the peace of the park.

Sadly, I pulled my feet out of the water, and redressed them. I began the walk home. As I walked, I allowed my mind to stay empty. Not one noteworthy thought came to me as I traveled. The emptiness scared me a little. It seemed natural that I would be contemplative. But I wasn't.

My attempts at sleep later that night were all in vain. I do not know why I refused to believe sleep was as likely as my feelings being calm. For hours, I tossed and turned. My blankets tangled into an impossible knot.

Frustrated I flung them off of me. I stood and pulled on pajamas. I wandered aimlessly, unsure of where I was going. I just let my feet do the leading. And they took me to a familiar place.

XxX

I hadn't been to this place since we began dating. Mr. Matthews deemed it inappropriate for me to climb in daughter's window. I could see his logic. I just wished I could tell him. I would never have a desire to fuck his daughter. I am not into her like that.

She was laying on her bed, asleep. A pillow was tucked into her arms. I didn't want to wake her, but my conscious depended on it. Therefore I allowed my hand to lightly knock on her window. She shifted positions, but did not wake. I knocked again, but louder. This time she woke up.

She looked around until making eye contact with me. She smiled a little, and walked over to me. She kissed the window and then opened it.

"It has been so long since I have seen you through the window... like my personal Romeo," she said with a bright smile.

I did not smile back. I wasn't here to continue the farce I had been putting on for too long.

"What is it Farkle?" she inquired nervously. Her smile had faded.

"I have to tell you something... something important," I said. "Something I should have said a long time ago."

"What?"

I sighed, "Well I have been leading you on. For a long time. I love you, but not romantically. I am so sorry Riley. I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have lied, and I understand if you hate me. I would hate me."

The hurt look on her face pained me to a near unbearable level, "I am an ass. I get that. I have been holding on to this for so long, it is starting to hurt me. I can't explain to you the pain this has created for me. But I need it to stop. And I need to stop hurting you."

"Farkle, what is it?"

A few tears fell out of my eyes, "I-I... I'm... gay."

Riley was hurt as she said, "Wh-what does that mean?"

"Being gay?"

"No," she said. "For us."

I replied, "Don't make me say it. Please."

She looked at me, her stare unwavering. "Say. It."

I choked through my tears, "I am breaking up with you."

She pushed me out of the way, and shut the window. She went as far as to cover it with a blanket. I put my head down on the sill and cried.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there, until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, through tear filled eyes. The person standing above me was Lucas.

"I didn't expect to see you here. I just came to help Riley with the anniversary gift she is making for you," he said. "Why are you cry..."

It must have occurred to him that Riley and I had just broken up. And what he said made everything worse. I was worse then a pile of newborn shit. I was a black widow, poisoning everything I touched.

He pulled me to my feet and said, "I am sorry buddy."

I felt so vulnerable, but I needed something to hang on to... someone to hang on to. So I hugged him and leaned my head on his shoulder. He returned the hug, and assured me it was okay to let it out. So I did. I cried into his shoulder. I eventually calmed. I never wanted the moment to end though. He was providing a comfort that went beyond my recent break-up.

He filled the void.