Jemma Shepard came to a stop when she saw Kaidan Alenko standing in the access area of the Normandy airlock. The last time they had faced each other was over the barrels of their guns. Now, she didn't know what to expect.
"Kaidan, hey. I wondered where you'd been." She tried sounding casual, though she wasn't sure if she was succeeding.
"Shepard." Kaidan's voice sounded...angry? Sad? He hadn't turned to face her yet.
"What's up? You sound angry."
He shook his head slowly and turned to look at her.
"No, not angry. I just..." His voice trailed off and Jemma was surprised at the hurt she saw in his eyes. Not the distrust that had clouded them on Horizon and Mars. It reminded her of the hurt that had flashed in his eyes when she had confirmed she was together with Garrus. She tried to recall the anger and hurt she had felt after Horizon and an Mars, but surprisingly she came up empty. Instead she only felt the fear of losing him. An odd sense of foreboding filled her. She waited.
He cleared his throat.
"I just came to say good-bye. No, let me finish, please." He raised his hand slightly as Jemma opened her mouth to speak. His voice was soft as he continued, but laced with pain nonetheless. "I thought about this long and hard and as much as I would love to join the Normandy again I think it's better if I don't. Hackett offered me a position and I think I should accept. After all this time deceiving myself I see clearly at last. No matter what I feel for you, you never really felt the same about me. I know I was an ass on Horizon and obviously my apology was worse than I thought. I'm not as eloquent as you are. Never was, never will be. No, Shepard, please let me explain."
Jemma silently nodded, a cold sensation gripping at her gut. How could he dare say she had never felt the same about him? How she still felt about him? She tried to shut that little voice down. The voice that had popped up when she first got involved with Garrus. The voice that had spoken to her again on Palaven. The voice that had tried to make itself heard at Huerta when she had visited Kaidan there the last time before he was released. She loved Garrus.
"I wonder, did you ever try looking at my side of this whole story? Somehow I don't think you really did. "
"Your side of the... Kaidan, you called my a traitor!" A wave of indignation flowed through her.
"Yes, I know that. And I am sorry. Truly, I am more sorry than you can ever imagine. Still, I don't think you tried to understand how I felt. You were dead, Shepard. I had nightmares for nearly two years. Either of your death or of your memorial service." His voice hitched and he looked back out of the window at the docked Normandy. Then he drew a deep breath before going on. "I never really was quite good enough for you. I didn't understand that until our talk back at Huerta."
"How can you say that? You are a helluva soldier, a Spectre." She was baffled that he believed she thought he wasn't good enough for her. What the hell?
He let out a short bitter laugh. "Yeah, Spectre, right. We both know that Udina pushed me through because he wanted to influence me. He probably figured either you would shoot me or vice versa."
"Kaidan, the other councilors confirmed you. Don't sell yourself short!"
He was silent, as if this thought hadn't occurred to him before. Then, he nodded.
"Yes, they did. Maybe I was wrong to miss that. But back to what I am actually trying to explain. I don't think I could work efficiently aboard the Normandy. I...I, well, maybe I am a coward. Some people will probably say that. But I am no masochist. I meant what I said when I wrote that I couldn't bear to lose you again. I lost you once to death and I lost you again to another man due to my own stupidity. Before you say anything, I know it's my fault. I want you to be happy. And if you are happy with Garrus, then so be it. I have to accept that, but it doesn't mean I want to see the woman I practically loved from the first moment I saw her, the woman I continued loving after her death, the woman I still love more than my own life...it doesn't mean I want to see her with the man in her life every day. Knowing it is so, thinking about it, dreaming about it is all bad enough. I don't have to see it yet, too." His voice had almost dropped to a whisper. Shepard felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over her. Why hadn't he told her he loved her before?
"A bit of me died after Alchera, Jem. Anderson had to pull me out of the bottle and give me a good ass-kicking before I at least that much of a grip on myself that I could return to duty. When I finally did I applied for N-school and got accepted. I worked my ass off there. Ya know, I did it for you. I wanted to make you proud. And the exhaustion helped me at least to fall asleep. Afterwards I volunteered for covert, high-risk missions."
"You were trying to die." Jemma was horrified. She had had no idea.
"Maybe. I always made sure my team was safe, but yeah, I didn't much care if I made it out or not. After Horizon, another part of me died. I had to push you away. I had to do what was necessary to fulfill the mission. How was I supposed to know for certain you were not a Cerberus clone? Or that they hadn't implanted you with a...a control device? Sorry, I don't want to hurt you. I am so, so sorry." He hesitated when he saw her pale after mentioning the control device. She remembered her conversation with Miranda concerning that specific topic.
"Anyway, when I was chosen to lead the First Biotics Division it gave me a purpose in life again. I genuinely enjoyed teaching, never would've expected that. I turned it down at first, ya know." He shot her a short glance, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "I hope this is what Hackett wants me to continue."
"Kaidan, are you really sure about this? I would love having you aboard. You would be a great asset to the team." She tried to convince him. She knew now she didn't want him to leave. He was still special to her, more than she had realized before. This conversation made that clear to her. This was the Kaidan she knew, the Kaidan she had loved. Still loved. There was no anger directed at her in his voice. If at all, it was directed at himself, loathing and self-contempt seeping through. He kept his voice as calm as possible, but the hurt in it was still evident to her. And as reluctant she was to admit it, he did have a point saying she hadn't tried to look at his side of the story. She had been so hurt at first that no rational thought was possible and after that she had let the hurt fuel her anger. Maybe it hadn't helped that everyone on the SR-2 had called him a self-righteous asshole. Liara had been the first one to try to open her eyes when they met on Ilium. She hadn't listened, not really. She could remember Garrus scoffing at Liara for defending Kaidan. Oh God, Kaidan is right. It is not all his fault. And the parts that were his fault he admitted to outright.
"I would be a redundancy, you know that. You don't need another biotic, you and Liara have that covered. You have Garrus for the tech and both him and Lieutenant Vega for the guns. No, I would be the fifth wheel." He smiled at her sadly. Kaidan cast his eyes down and went on his voice no more than a whisper. "Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been better if I had died on Mars."
"Don't talk like that! You are important, never forget thet. The Alliance needs you, hell, I need you. Don't throw your life away. Please, Kaidan. Don't throw your life away." It scared her shitless to realize he was just as broken as she was.
"I'm a marine. I will do what ever is necessary to make sure as many of our people as possible make it through this war. I just won't be fighting alongside you." There was this short, sad smile again. He straightened his shoulders. The tone of his voice changed when he went on. It was his back-to-duty voice, she was aware. "Well, I guess this is it then, Commander. Good hunting and semper fi."
He walked toward the door. Just as it opened he turned around one last time. She could see a tear rolling down his cheek and fought to hold back the impulse of wiping it away.
"I love you, Jem. Good-bye and be careful." He said softly. The door closed behind him after he stepped through it. He didn't hear her answer.
"Good-bye, Kaidan. I love you, too."
I am not sure if I should leave it like this or if I should write a chapter about Garrus and Shepard talking about this right after Kaidan leaving. Thoughts?