Summary:Riker is upset about what happened down on the planet. Talking about it is the last thing that he wants to do. But maybe it's also the best thing to do.
Set after the episode "first contact" in season 4, (not the movie!).
Warnings: mentions of rape. Lots of angst.
Disclaimer: Do not use this as a guide on how to comfort someone who has been through a traumatic event.
A/n: This isn't really canon compliant, though it could be...? The episode only has implications in it (to make it suitable for younger viewers), but nothing explicit.
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What you need to know about the episode "First contact" : Whilst undercover on Malcor III, Commander Riker ends up in a hospital. The Malcorians soon discover that he is not one of them.
Whilst the Enterprise try to rescue him, a female alien offers to help him escape if he will "make love with her". He is extremely unhappy about this, but has to 'agree'. He later fails to escape.
The Enterprise agrees to leave Malcor III, as they are not yet ready for first contact, and will not be a part of the federation for a long time.
This fanfic takes place after all is resolved and Commander Riker is back on the Enterprise.
...
Why had he decided to do this? Commander Riker wondered, whilst standing outside of Troi's office. Why in tarnation was he here? He really really really did not want to talk about... it. At all. He did not want to think about, he did not want to see anything that reminded him of it. In fact, the very last thing he wanted to do was talk about it.
But for some reason his stupid brain had decided that it was a good idea to walk him all the way to Deanna's office, after checking that she was free for the afternoon.
And ok, maybe it was logical. A small part of him desperately wanted to talk about this with someone. He obviously had a problem. He hadn't slept for two days, not since he had got out of the medical bay. He had also had six showers in the last two days, which was probably a little excessive. And whenever he wasn't concentrating his mind wandered back to... her. That Malcorian. He couldn't even remember her name dammit! The thought of her repulsed him though. It made him want to run and throw up simultaneously. Something that he knew Deanna had sensed. He had done a pretty good job of hiding it from the rest of the crew, but Deanna? How do you hide overwhelming emotions from a telepathic empath?
That was another reason for coming here. If he didn't talk to her soon, he was worried she would confront him. He would much rather deal with this on his own terms. Though perhaps not today...
"Come in," Deanna's voice rang like a sweet bell, waking Riker from his stupor.
Right. He had to do this. Now. It's not like he could back out; what would he say? Oh, he happened to walk by her office and stand outside the door for five minutes? She would never buy that.
Taking a deep breath, Riker walked in.
"Is everything ok, Commander?" she asked gently.
Slowly he sat down on the sofa, avoiding looking at Deana in the eyes. This was stupid. The whole situation was stupid.
What was he even supposed to say? Oh yes everything is fine ? She could probably sense his emotional distress already. She had probably been sensing it the whole time that he had been standing outside the door.
"You seem, apprehensive," Deanna started.
Will sighed. What could he say? Yes, I'm apprehensive, in fact, I'm on the verge of having a meltdown, and I can't think of a good excuse to leave, and in any case a small part of me wants to stay because I'm scared and lonely and you're my best friend ?
Deanna gently touched his arm, "What's wrong?"
Will finally looked up at her. "I just, look... umm... I'm sorry, I'm wasting your time, I'll go..." he stood up to leave, but Deanna pulled him back.
"Don't worry about time. Something has obviously upset you, and I want to help," she assured him.
Sighing Will looked at her again. Why was this so difficult? Why couldn't he move past it?
He felt his eyes start to well up with tears. No! He told himself, you can't cry, you're a commanding officer, stay professional.
"Will... it's ok," Deanna soothed, gently slipping an arm around his back. "You're aloud to have feelings, it's human,"
Will simply tried to wipe away his tears on his sleeve. Why was he so weak? Why was something as small and stupid and insignificant as this enough to rattle him?
"You're not weak," Deanna told him, before adding, "You're practically projecting your thoughts," when he gave her a quizzical look. Then she gently pulled him into a hug.
Will felt his walls break. He couldn't do this. He couldn't hold it together. He was not strong enough.
"It's ok Will, everything will be ok," Deanna reassured him, gently rubbing his back.
He started to sob into who her shoulder. Dang it, this was stupid. He was so stupid. This whole situation was stupid!
"You're not stupid," Deanna whispered gently.
But she didn't know. She didn't understand. If she did... no, he couldn't tell her. This was his own fault, and his own problem. He had to deal with it.
He pulled away, sat down again, and wiped his eyes, unsuccessfully, on his sleeve. He couldn't stop crying. Great. He was having a total meltdown. Just great.
He hadn't even tried to talk about 'the problem' yet and he was already in pieces. Wasn't the crying supposed to come after the talking?
"Will, please, talk to me; I can't help if I don't know what's wrong," Deanna said, gently taking his hand in hers.
He looked away again. Damn it! Damn everything! Should he tell her? In fact, why shouldn't he tell her?
He took a deep breath. Or tried to. Sobbing tends to inhibit one's ability to breath deeply.
"It happened... two days ago, on Malcor III," Will said through his tears.
Deanna merely nodded.
"After I ended up in hospital, the Malcorians started to suspect that I was not one of them," Will continued.
Deanna nodded again. This had all been in the mission report.
" and... then... and then..." He couldn't! He couldn't say it! He hid his face in his hands, to try and and hide his tears. Not that Deanna didn't already know that he was crying like a child, but it was embarrassing and uncomfortable. He wanted to curl up in hole, preferably with some blankets and hot chocolat, and watch his favourite movies on a reel. That sounded much nicer than facing his problems.
"Will, what happened next?" Deanna asked cautiously.
"I didn't want to, I know logically there was no way out of the situation, but I didn't want to, I'm sorry," He said in a rush.
He felt Deanna's hand on his shoulder. "It's ok, I won't judge you, but I need you to tell me what happened,"
"There was this girl," He briefly looked into her eyes, "I don't even remember her name... I didn't want to, I had no choice, oh Deanna I... she... she wanted... she... " he broke off into tears again.
Deanna started to realise what Will might be trying to tell her. She prayed that she had read the situation wrong. Surely, surely, no one would do that to him?
"She tricked me into revealing that I wasn't Malcorian," he mumbled, "and then, then she offered to help me escape." A fresh wave of sobs hit him.
Deanna put her arms around him again, protectively. Will buried his head on her shoulder. "And then?" she asked softly.
"She wanted... something... in return..." Will managed, " And I didn't want, I didn't want to, but what else could I have done? She knew my secret, if she had told people it would have been a disaster; I got into enough trouble as it was. What else could I have done?"
"What did she want?" Deanna asked softly, dreading the response. Poor Will, to think that he had had to go through this as well as everything else that had happened on Malcor III.
Will continued to cry onto her shoulder. "I... I can't say it... this is stupid... I... she wanted... I was already injured, resisting didn't work... there was no one else around... It was probably quite late at night... I wasn't strong enough... I can't say it... I can't..." he whispered.
Deanna gently rubbed his back. "Will, did she... did she rape you?" she asked softly.
His spike in emotions confirmed her fears.
Will clutched her, "I should have been more forceful, I should have said no more firmly!"
"This isn't your fault, it's really not," Deanna reassured him, "you were already injured and she had blackmail material. It was completely her fault,"
Will continued to sob onto her shoulder. "I don't understand why it bothers me so much though... I've slept with girls before, but it was never like that before,"
"You've just been through a highly traumatic experience, you can't compare it to anything else," Deanna told him.
"I just... I hated it so much! All I wanted was to get away, but I couldn't, and it was so gross, and disgusting, and even though I've had six showers I still feel really unclean... tainted somehow," Will couldn't stop the words now. It's like a dam had broken; he needed to tell someone. " and it hurt. It hurt so much! I did try to get away but she wasn't having any of it, saying that I'd agreed to it, but I didn't, I didn't I really didn't! Not with someone I didn't know or like!"He paused for breath.
"It's ok, I believe you," Deanna reassured him.
"And I feel so guilty, because it's like I cheated on... cheated on you, and I know we're not an actual couple but I wouldn't do that, but I didn't have a choice, and I'm so incredibly sorry," he broke off into more sobs.
"You don't need to be sorry, none of this is your fault," Deanna whispered.
"I know, but I can't help it. It's one of the thing that keeps me awake at night, I feel like the whole situation could have been avoided if I had only realised that she was tricking me in the first place..." he explained.
"It's not your fault that she tricked you." Deanna paused. "One of the things that keeps you awake?"
"I haven't slept since, unless you count passing out in medical, since it before it happened; I can't; it's... it's... it's too scary. And I know, that it's stupid, for an adult to be scared of going to bed, but I can't, I keep seeing her face whenever I go near my bed, and I'm scared, what if someone else tried to... to..." Will whispered, "and then there are the nightmares. I just... my brain won't let me close my eyes without reliving every moment of it,"
Deanna continued to gently rub his back as he cried onto her shoulder. How could anyone do this to her Will? It was horrendous! The worst part was that Deanna couldn't even get them jailed because they were part of a non-federation planet.
"What will... What do I do?" Will asked, still hiding his head in Deanna's shoulder.
"First, I think you should talk to Doctor Beverly, or someone else from the medical team," Deanna replied softly.
Will whimpered. "I had a full medical examination just the other day,"
"I know but you need to at least get checked for STDs," Deanna explained. After a short silence, broken only by Will's sobs, before she added, "Are you in need of any... other medical attention? That Malcorian, didn't hurt you... physically?"
Will shook his head. "Light bruising, nothing serious," he whispered.
"I'm also going to recommend that you take the rest of the day off as well as tomorrow, and then we'll see how you're doing. You may need to take the week off," Deanna stated.
"But... but then... what will I tell the captain? I can't tell him about this!" Will said quietly.
"Will, this is serious. He won't judge. However, if it helps, I can talk to him in your place?" Deanna asked.
Will nodded. "I'd rather no one other than you knew though," he added.
"Well, I think that you should also see a therapist," she replied, "other than me,"
"Why other than you?" Will asked.
"Because you're my best friend; it's not appropriate for me to give you counselling," Deanna explained.
"Won't people talk?" He asked.
"Will, I can guarantee that every single person who sits with you on that bridge has had counselling at some point. In fact, I expect that around 70 percent of Starfleet have all seen a counsellor at least once in their lives; it's part of the protocol if someone loses someone. And since most people lose their parents eventually..." Deanna trailed off. "Is there anything else that you need?"
"About talking to Beverly... please can you come with me? And maybe tell her about... stuff... I can't, don't want to..." Will trailed off.
"Of course," Deanna assured him, "why don't I get you a drink, and then we'll go and talk to her?"
Will nodded miserably, as Deanna got up.
"Hot chocolat?" she offered.
Will nodded again. Hot chocolat was his favourite drink.
A few moments later he had a steaming hot mug of hot chocolat in his hands.
No drink had ever tasted as sweet. Actually, it was too sweet, but Will didn't say anything. He was glad to have something to distract himself with.
Once he had finished, he went and washed his face (he didn't need it to be obvious that he had had a total meltdown) before he and Deanna headed off to medical.
...
He tried to stand tall and proud whilst they were walking around, but in reality he just wanted to hunch his shoulders and stare at the floor. Luckily they met no one on their way, and were able to get to medical bay without incident.
"Do you want to be in the room when I explain things to Beverly or not?" Deanna asked, once they were in the turbo lift.
"Not," Will replied, "definitely not,"
...
"Commander Riker, Deanna, what can I do for you?" Beverly asked as they walked into the medical bay.
"Can I speak to you in your office for a moment please?" Deanna asked.
"Of course," Beverly replied, her smile dropping at the seriousness in Deanna's voice.
Riker stayed behind in the main area, pretending to fiddle with his sleeve, as Doctor Beverly and Deanna walk off.
He felt awkward standing there, but it was no use going anywhere else.
Through the glass door he saw Beverly raise a hand to her mouth in shock, but he could not hear what they were saying. Thank goodness. He knew that he might have another break down if he did. And one break down in a day was more than enough thank you very much.
A few minutes later Deanna and Doctor Beverly came back.
"I'm gong to need a sample of your blood," doctor Beverly told him.
He nodded and pulled up a sleeve so that she could take it. He was incredibly grateful for her maintaining a professional facade, and not making any comments. He didn't have the energy to talk about it with anybody else today.
"All done," Doctor Beverly told him, patting his arm.
Riker merely nodded and pulled down his sleeve.
"If you need anything else, don't hesitate to let me know," she said, "the results should be apparent by tomorrow. I let you know then,"
"Thank you Doctor," Riker gave her a weak smile.
...
"I'll go and talk to the captain now; why don't you go and watch a movie that you like or something?" Deanna suggested, when they were once again in the turbo lift.
Will looked down it his hands, which were still fiddling uselessly with his sleeves.
"Is there anything else you need ?" Deanna asked.
"I was wondering if I could... umm, you see... I don't really want to be alone, so I was wondering if I could hide in your office for the evening?" he asked quietly.
"Of course," Deanna replied, "in fact, why don't you go to my quarters, since that's where I'll be for the rest of the day anyway?"
"Thank you," Will gave her a brief smile.
...
"I suppose you've come to explain to me why my best officer is off duty," Picard said as Troi entered his ready-room.
"Yes sir, I'm afraid it's actually quite serious," she replied.
"Sit down," Picard nodded at a seat.
Troi sat down. "I fear that what happened on Malcor III was a lot more traumatic than we first thought,"
"Malcor III... we left that planet two days ago," Picard stated.
Troi nodded. "Will, I mean, Commander Riker, is a good actor, and prefers to hide his feelings,"
Picard sighed "Never heard of anyone being like that before,"
"Anyway, I think that he needs some time to come to terms with what happened," Troi explained.
"Very well... can you tell me what this traumatic experience was?" Picard asked.
Troi sighed. This was the part she was dreading. "He was raped sir,"
She felt his emotions, a mixture of pity anger and sorrow, spike.
"I don't suppose you can give me a name? That is a criminal offence of great magnitude. They would imprisoned for a long time," Picard stated.
"I'm afraid not sir. In any case they were Malcorian; we cannot touch them;" Troi explained.
"That maybe so, but Commander Riker is a Federation citizen, and protected by the law. If we had known before we left..." he sighed.
"He was not ready to talk about it sir; it was incredibly brave of him to talk about it now," Troi replied.
Picard nodded. "Tell him to take as long as he needs, and also..."
"Also...?" Troi prompted.
"Also I have just finished reading the Lord of the Rings, it's a book series that he may enjoy, if he wishes I am happy to lend it to him," Picard said.
"I'll tell him," Troi replied, smiling.
...
When Deanna it back to her quarters, Will was already asleep on the sofa. The tv was on, and playing the wizard of oz, an old classic.
Deanna grabbed a blanket from the corner of the room, and tucked it around Will's curled up form.
"You'll get through this," she whispered to him, sitting down beside him. "Everything will be ok, you'll see,"
Her eyes started to feel damp. Why would anyone do this to Will? How could they? How dare they?
Sighing, she rubbed her eyes. Maybe she should try and get some sleep too.
"Sleep well," she whispered to Will before getting up and going to bed herself.
...