My thought process while I was watching The Hobbit the DOS. Yeah, sorry for iffy-ness. I am being serious with these, but they turned out to be kinda funny. Enjoy how my brain works :/
Oh no, I hear the theme music. Here comes another series of prologues that never seem to end like endings to these movies
Is that-?! Yes, it is Peter Jackson. He loved Middle-Earth so much, even like 14 years later he has to make that a point by making a new trilogy from a 1 inch thick book...how does he show his appritiation?
By being a dude who stares at the camera...chomping on a carrot.
#What's up doc?
Hey, I know this place! Isn't this where Frodo's cover was blown by a drunk-Pippin and a future King...Do all future kings come here?
C'mon, Thorin! It has been like a hundred years since Thrain went missing! Give up already! Let it go (Elsa: Let if goooo let it goo-ohh! ME: Not right now, Frostbite)
12 months later...Hey! Speaking of the devil! Hey, Bilbo we were just having a flashback prelude about you, you know!
#Nobody listens to Bilbo until he mentions giant bear
Dwarves: we are in deep warg droppings...
That moment when we see how much Bombur values his life.
#Runs faster than everyone else though weighs the equivelent of about six of them!
Bombur: I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL (Slams into door)
"Come away from there"
ME: C'mon, give Ori a break! He isn't a dwarfling, he DOES have more beard than Kili (Though for some odd reason still considered the youngest.)
Were they really so preoccupied with trying to open the door that Thorin was the only one to have common sense enough to pull the latch?
Or were they just awaiting his concent before they were ripped to shreds by the huge bear coming up behind them?!
Hey, look it's Frodo! No wait, it's just Bilbo obsessing over the Ring. You know, like the Dead Marshes in the second movie in the trilogy where the main character begins to become obsessed with this sexy golden Ring?
Why is it always the second movie in the trilogy that the main character begins to go crazy?
(Bilbo took it to a whole new level though 0_0)
Creepy voice creepy voice! AHHHH THE WORDS THEY BURNNN! Where's Mt. Doom when you need it?!
Big Bumble Bee (Bilbo sneezes. ME: Awwww Bilbo you so cute :3)
I'm sure even Gandalf feels small in Beorn's house.
"I don't like dwarves...but I hate orcs more"
THAT'S RACIST!
One does not simply ride pretty ponies to an evil enchanted forest.
#I SEE YOU! (Muhahahaaaahaaaaa!)
That moment when everyone gets high
#BILBO: Who is that girl I see staring strait back at me?
The Bilbo is the first one to snap put of it and realize something is wrong- cliche
Pretty blue butterlies that only exist on film
That moment when you think Bilbo is sexy for killing spiders.
"Where is it?!"
(Takes off ring)
BILBO: Here (Stabs) FANGIRLING! BRING ME MY MEDS!
How the heck do they not know that it was Bilbo that cut them down?
"I'm up here-"
JUMP SCARE!
#Sexier refrence to Bilbo's madness from LOTR in a more dramtic- sckitzo- way.
(ME: Yes, yes, wowowowowowow, Bilbo, yessssss)
Dude, you just jizzed over a Ring! Get a girlfriend.
Oh wait, I hear Thorin's looking for a queen :p
Oh no, the Leggy fangirls shall commence.
FANGASM
Who is this new girl? She's like Arwen and Eoywn wrapped in one! Where was she for Aragorn on LOTR!? This would have saved us 3 movies of a war-love story, right? No? Okay...
Tauri-what? Tauriel? Can I just call you Cereal?
WTF JUST HAPPENED TO HIS FACE MAN!?
THORIN EPIC SPEECH COUNT: 1
"YOU WHO LACK ALL HONOUR...-"
Go Thorin! Even though I have no idea what you just said!
BILBO: Babe help
THORIN: Do as he says
BILBO: Thanks babe
THORIN: Welcome
(My Bagginshield heart is pounding)
Bilbo did not think this through did he? Of course he didn't
Bilbo would have lost his grip on the barrel with the waterfallas and currents (Just saying)
Kill the she-elf! (Which one is the she-elf? They all the look the same XD)
(Kili gets shot in leg)
No No No I refuse No no no no!NOOOOOOOOO!
Ever notice how everyone is looking dramatically at the camera, supposadly looking at Kili when Kili is actually above them?
I'm sorry, but I had to ruin the dramaticness of it.
Seriously, though, they are all just staring back the way they came when the illusion is to look at Kili but that illusion failed miserably.
No, Dwarves coming out of the toilet will not bring you luck
Hey look it's Grima- no wait, it's another rip-off character of LOTR.
Let's see, THORIN EPIC SPEECH COUNT: 2
"All will share in the wealth of the Mountain!"
"I have the only right"
Bowchikkawowowchikabowkoww!
Wake up in the morning feeling like P-Ditty...Oh Bofur
"I belong with my brother"
BROMANCE!
Thorin epic camera angle
Wait, wait, you're gonna just give up?
WTF MAN! YOU CROSS HALF OF MIDDLE EARTH FOR THIS FIGHTING ORS WARGS AND GIANT SPIDERS WHY YOU GIVE UP NOW?!
"You can't give up now!"
Thank you, Bilbo! At least someone sees reason here.
Oh, how dare you turn this into another Mines of Moria riddle
SPEAK FRIEND AD ENTER!
MOON WILL SHINE ON KEY-HOLE ONCE A YEAR!
Seriously, if they missed Durin's Day they could always wait another year! Impatient dwarves...(Grumble grumble)
No, shush shush
Oh Bilbo you so cute :3
Bilbo does the thinking man
(BILBO: Maybe if I stay real still he wont see me)
ME: This is not a dinasaur and also...This is CUMBERSMAUG he is not stupid! he is a highly functioning phosciopath-dragon!
Arkenstone Arkenstone Arkenstone! Thorin's gonna die (coughcoughcough)
Did Bilbo get the Arkenstone? It says in the book that he did. Why must we wait another year to see Bilbo almost get beat to death by Thorin? :(
What every Bagginshielder saw:
(Thorin blocks)
STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE!
He seriously looks like he is in pain
STOP DROP AND ROLL
(Gets up as if nothing had happened)
THORIN: Let's go
ME: 0_o
But you...you just- you...
Let me guess, you have a black arrow stashed in your house don't you?
Kili/Tauriel? Hoho I can't wait to see Thorin's reaction to this...if he lives to see that...nevermind sorry-spoily spoily spoil!
"What have we done?"
WE?!
YOURE THE ONE THAT SAID YOU WERE BARREL RIDER!
(Ooops I did it again!)
And now for a song that describes Thorin and hints to his death constantly...
Yup, Desolation of SMAAAAYYY-AAAUUUEG.
How other people say it: Smaaayyy-uuuuaaaeGG
How I say it: Smawg