She almost didn't recognise him, pale and small in that hospital bed. His skin had lost so much color and there were bruises and cuts in his cheeks, in his neck, in his hands. He was sleeping, all his body as close to the wall as possible, almost as if he wanted to make himself smaller. To disappear.
But that's what brought her here, isn't it? His wanting to disappear.
Katniss was horribly take aback by the white bandages that covered both his forearms, even though she had been told. She had been told that Gale had cut his wrists and had been found almost bled out in his bed. Just like this, apparently, snuggled to one side, to the side closest to the wall, simply letting the life escape.
The bed had been completely soaked in red, the sheets heavy and copper scented with his blood. Class IV hemorrhage, Hazelle had told Katniss, if he'd been found ten minutes later he would have died. And he almost had, even when taken to the hospital, because his blood type was scarce and the only bag they got of it had been tagged as "not fit for use". They had used it anyway. He'd developed sepsis (and infection on the bloodstream) on top of everything, but at least it gave the doctors time while some more blood bags were transferred.
So it made sense, the pallor, the high fever, the disorientation. It was caused by the blood loss and the infection of the blood. But they were controlling it, and that was why Gale's mother had called Katniss. Because she'd seen the look in her son's eyes when he woke up and knew, for a fact, that he was going to try again. Something drastic needed to be done and Katniss had always been important to him. She could maybe make a change, inspire some hope on him.
That was why Katniss had said yes to visiting him. Because it was Hazelle asking, and because it was, apparently, a matter of life and death. She thought he was happy on district two. Katniss didn't think about Gale a lot, but when she did she imagined him with a family of his own and a good job. She never tried to find out if that was the case. Never asked about his siblings, or his mom, or anyone. And now she was in front of him, again, and he was sleeping.
And he looked nothing like the Gale she'd said goodbye to. Katniss sat in a chair next to the sleeping man, just like she had after his whipping. The scars from that would never fade - these new ones wouldn't either. He was full of scars, this old childhood friend.
Gale. It had been a while.
There was an IV giving him blood, still. Class four hemorrhage, Hazelle had said, he almost died. There was a bit of sweat in his brow and he was breathing loudly.
She had never seen him this pale. She had never seen him this thin. He'd been saved, but still he was terribly sick.
What was she supposed to say when he woke up? Please don't kill yourself, your mother is worried? I still kind of hate you but not enough to want you dead? If you die I'll lose many of the few memories I have left from my life before the games? There had been a lot of bad things there, but also good ones. What happened later couldn't undo the good Gale had done for her family. What a good friend he'd been. Still...
"Katniss?" Came a faint voice.
His eyes were open, and although unfocused, they understood who was there.
Katniss. No more Catnip. Not anymore. Those days were long gone.
"How are you feeling?" She asked, and her concern seemed genuine. Or maybe she'd was better at acting now. It had been years.
Gale didn't answer and tried to move away from her gaze. but no. He needed the wall. He'd dreamed of places blowing up too many times to be facing the room. He needed the wall, even though Katniss' face was there too. He couldn't bear the open space.
"Why did you do it, Gale?"
She didn't need to know. She didn't even deserve to know, Gale thought bitterly. She was busy in her new life with the baker. His head hurt, and he didn't need this kind of emotional crapload now. Or ever.
He didn't answer. Again. She didn't care, anyways. Of that, Gale was convinced.
"My mother called you, didn't she? And you couldn't refuse her. Well, tell her you did everything you could and be at peace. I'm tired. Go back to your district and leave me be."
"Leave you be? You're not being, Gale, you're destroying yourself. And your family on the process."
"Look," he said, managing to sit up a on his bed, even if it sent the world spinning. "I'm sorry about them, okay, I really am. But they'll manage without me. And I just... I can't... Not anymore... I... It's excruciating, Katniss. I can't bear it anymore."
She was confused. Was he talking about what she thought he was talking?
"What? What can't you bear?"
"The weight of what I did! And what I didn't do... I thought I was building a new future... Ridding ourselves of the oppressors... All I did was kill and destroy. When I close my eyes... I can't stand myself anymore. But you left - you said goodbye, you have no obligation to do this, to listen to me."
He was right. She had enough with her own pain and Peeta's. She didn't need Gale's too. She would much rather keep hating him to infinity. But she couldn't tear herself away, not someone that important was having such a difficult time. He was being eaten out by his pain and guilt, by his regret. She knew about that - even if she hadn't been quite so hopeless in a long time.
"You did a lot of good things, too. When you helped the people from 12 to you went for Peeta and the others. And before that, for my family and yours. You used to be a good man - you can be again."
"Why go through all that trouble? I'm not worth it."
"Gale..."
"And I don't have the strength, either. I'm struggling to just get out of bed a lot of days. I'm tired all day and when I want to sleep I only have nightmares. You know how difficult it can be to hold oneself together..."
"But you're strong, Gale."
"What does it matter? What do I matter? I'm sorry about my mum and my siblings, but..."
"It wasn't your fault, you know." She should have said this before. Katniss know it. "It was war - and you were just a kid. I understand that now. You were fighting the good fight and you wanted it to be over, and with us on the winning side. You made some bad decisions in an extreme situation. And you regret them. Deeply. I... hadn't known how much. I was in so much pain, it never occurred to me that you... Has it been like this all the time? All four years?"
He shook his head, faintly.
"Last two have been the worst."
It was not fair. Gale had gone through a lot, since they were young kids - and had done a lot of good deeds for his family and hers. Had supported them, put food on the table. Saved people in the evacuation. And what reward had he ever gotten? He had his family, but they were supposed to love him. And nothing else. It was obvious that his new job hadn't been fulfilling enough, not enough to drown the bad memories, the nightmares.
"I'm sorry you've suffered so much. I'm sorry about all our sufferings. But hurting yourself, losing yourself even, that is not going to change anything. Only bring more suffering."
Gale's eyes were distant. He was so tired - he was always tired these days.
"I have missed you, Gale. I didn't think I would, but I have. And now I'm realising that I abandoned you when you needed me the most. And you never left me."
There were two lone tears falling from Gale's eyes and he couldn't help them. Katniss took one of his hands.
"You have punished yourself enough, Gale. Now stop it, please. Rest, eat, take the pills they give you. Try to build something that resembles life again."
They stayed in silence for a while. They'd known each other so long that silences were no longer uncomfortable. They were meaningful now.
But Gale was still very sick and needed lots of sleep.
"I'll be back tomorrow." Katniss said, determined. He couldn't leave him again. Not now. "Don't do anything rash or you'll make me look bad in front of your mother, eh?"
He nodded, eyes almost closing.
"I've missed you too, Catnip."
She smiled at that.
It is in that moment that she decided she would put him back together no matter what.
When she left the hospital, Katniss felt happier, lighter, stronger.
This was the right thing to do.