Homie-o and Julie

By William Shakespeare

Edited by Leslie Highsmith and Rebecca Smith and Hannah Walker

(We did not create the basic story or the characters etc. etc. it was made by william shakespeare as stated above!)

Julie was your semi-average teenage girl, voted by her school most-likely-to-wind-up-in-an-insane-asylum. She was a little….slow (I guess that is the nicest way of putting it). Her parents were famous around town, for something-or-another. On Julie's 19th birthday, they started looking for a husband for her, and had settled on the perfect young man: France.

Julie pleaded and begged, "No! This is America, 2005! Arranged marriages are, like, so out!" But her parents held firm to their strong opinion.

"Don't worry, Julie, we picked out a very nice young man. We really think you are going to like him," said Julie's mom, Mrs. Cappa.

"Yes, you will. His name is France." Julie's dad, Mr. Cappa, agreed.

"Wait a second!" Julie exclaimed, "Isn't that, like, a state or something?"

"Well," said Julie's dad, "at least she's smart! I didn't even know that when I was her age!"

"Well, it doesn't hurt to meet him, I guess!" She would have her opportunity soon enough, as the Cappas were hosting a dance that night. But they didn't know that word of their party had gotten out to their enemy, the Montoyas….

Richard, alias "Homie-O" to his "homies", was one of the infamous "Monties." His friends were gangsters, so everyone assumed he was one too. But he wasn't. He liked to read and frolic amongst the flowers.

Julie was talking to her best friend, Norsa, about her lame parents and the stupid guy she was forced to meet. "I don't want a guy like that, you know? He's all brawn and no brains. I'm looking for a guy who likes to read, and, you know, frolic amongst the flowers!"

Norsa didn't reply. (She doesn't talk much. Or listen. Or do much of anything. This was normal, though, seeing as she was a Golden Retriever.)

"Nooooorsa! Answer me!" she said. (Our heroine isn't that bright. She still believes Norsa to be human.)

Norsa barked.

"Well, that's no excuse for your face!" Julie replied.

Norsa growled and bit Julie's feet, producing a small pool of blood.

"OUCH!" Julie exclaimed, kicking Norsa. This only made the bleeding worse. Norsa, who frankly didn't care whether or not Julie was dying, exited the scene.

A few hours later, Julie limped into the ballroom, groaning with each step.

"Stupid Norsa. What kind of person bites another person's foot?"

Julie, all dressed up in her beautiful ball gown, looked around and suddenly gasped. Standing at the back of the fish tank was the most gorgeous fish she had ever seen. She went to get a closer look. She stood on the other side of the tank. The fish was flesh-colored, with dark brown spikes on his back, as well as an extra nose, mouth, and eyes. It also had what looked like ears on the side of its body. Julie almost thought it was a human, but who would be that stupid, as to confuse a person with a fish? (Certainly not Julie!) She pressed her mouth up against the tank, to get a better look at the beautiful fish. So did the fish. She knew she had to meet that, erm, fish. She was in love with it, love at first sight. That fish would be the one that she would marry. She plunged her hands into the tank in an attempt to grab the fish, but her hands only closed on water. She tried again and again, but the fish didn't appear to be solid. That's odd, Julie thought. A vaporized, humanoid fish? Oh, well. All the more reason to marry it! But no matter what she did, Julie still couldn't catch that darn "fish". Out of sheer frustration, she plunged her head into the tank but soon found herself stuck. It didn't last long, though. Soon she felt hands lift her out of the tank. Then Julie turned her head slowly towards the face of her rescuer. A golden light seemed to shine off his face…it was the fish! Somehow he had gained a human body! It looked better in the water, Julie thought. The water must have distorted its features. All the same, she collapsed to the feet of the fish-dude, a.k.a. Richard, a.k.a. Homie-O.

"I hail you, oh mighty fish-dude!" Julie replied. "You have risen out of the waters to become my rescuer and true love!" Homie-O's jaw dropped.

"True love?" he asked. "Aren't we rushing into things? I don't even know you!"

"But it's destiny!" Julie exclaimed. "You have saved me from the watery grave that you call home!" Homie-O just looked even more confused. "Watery home? Fish dude? I don't know what the heck you're talking about. But there are some men in white coats who I'm sure would be more than happy to hear your fish tale."

"Are they mighty fish-dudes as well?" Julie asked, peering into the fish tank. "Hmmm, I don't see any white ones. Do they live in the ocean? Did YOU live in the ocean? Oh, wow, this is so exciting. Do you want to dance? Do you have, like, a ritual fish dance or something? Do you want to get married? I love you!"

"Um, okay, sure!" Homie-o knelt down on one knee and said, "Dude, will you marry me?"

"Yes! Yes!" Julie replied. "Oh, mighty fish-dude, yes!"

"Wait a second, who are you, anyway?" Homie-o asked.

"I am Julie Cappa."

A look of recognition crossed Homie-o's face. He knew that name from somewhere. Or not. Whatever.

"I am Richard Montoya. My friends call me Homie-o."

There was not even the slightest look of recognition at the name on Julie's face.

"Well," said Homie-o, "I'll have to talk to the Dude Man."

It was late by now. Homie-o had spent the entire time with Julie. He frolicked, scattering flowers about, to the holy place to talk to the Dude Man.

"Yo. Dude Man. It is I, Homie-o." Homie-o said to the person he believed to be the priest.

"Who are you anyway?" asked the man. Homie-o thought the priest was dressed rather oddly. He wore three coats and a pair of ripped jeans. Also, he was picking food out of the garbage can. There was a shopping cart filled with random items behind the man.

"I'm Homie-o. Aren't you the priest?" Homie-o asked.

"Umm…no, I'm a hobo," replied the man.

"Ya, hobo, priest, friar, pastor- call it what you will. You see, I've got this girlfriend and we need to get married. Okay, I'll bring her here tomorrow. See ya later." Homie-o ran, leaving the "priest" behind, a look of utter confusion on his face.

Julie and Homie-o went back to the hobo. He married them and then they left. (That was short. Shouldn't we "elaborate"? Oh, well!)

Meanwhile, some of Homie-o's homies were wandering into Cappa territory.
"Yo, have you seen Homie-o?" asked Monty Homie #1, referred to by his fellow Monties as "Joe".

"Uh……………no," said Monty Homie #2, referred to by his fellow Monties as "Monty Homie #2".

They were so caught up in their, uh, "conversation" that they didn't notice one of the Cappas approaching them. It was Ty Bolt Cappa, referred to by his fellow Cappas as "That Weirdo Julie's Cousin".

"Homie-o? That loser?" asked Ty.

"Hey, don't be insulting our homie-dude!" replied Monty Homie #2.

"I just did."

"Well, watcha gonna do about it? Go all rich on us?"

"Ah, the power of caviar," replied Ty Bolt.

"That makes no sense."

"Neither do you."

"Neither do our veggies! Get 'im boys!" The Monty clan proceeded to throw random vegetables, such as carrots, asparagus, and Brussels sprouts at Ty.

"I don't think I like your vegetables!" Ty said menacingly. "I will now pelt you with assorted candies, such as truffles and Godiva chocolate bars."

Ty wound up his arm to throw a chocolate bar. He threw it, and his aim was true. He hit Joe in the head. Joe fell to the ground in pain.

"Guys! He hit me. I'm melting. Oh, wait, wrong book/movie. I'm dying! Avenge me! AVENGE ME!"

Just then, Homie-o walked over. "Joe! Noooooo!" he screamed, as he fell to his knees beside the blood-soaked young man. "I will avenge you!" Homie-o rose to his feet.

"Ty, brother, you killed my man here, with chocolate. Now, you will pay. I shall scatter flowers at your feet. One sniff will cause you to die a horrible, bloody death." He did as he had said, and Ty fell to the ground. His mangled, blood soaked body was a horrible sight to see.

"I…I killed him," Homie-o said. "I've never so much as given anyone a back scratch, but I killed him! I'M SORRY, GOD! FORGIVE ME!" Homie-o fell on his knees, crying like a baby. Monty Homie #2, however, had been staring at Ty's mangled body and had passed out. Soon the alarm of cop cars interrupted Homie-o's fits.

"IT WASN'T ME!" he cried out. "THE FLYING HAMSTERS MADE ME DO IT!" The police were now looking at Homie-o, trying to decide if they should arrest him or send him away to the mental hospital. They decided to arrest him.

The police said, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If…"

"I PLEAD INSANITY! I WAS INSANE AT THE TIME, HONEST!" Homie-o screamed.

The police changed their decision. They would not arrest him. This person definitely needed to be institutionalized.

"Homie-o, you are hereby banished to the Mantua Mental Hospital."

"But…but…but….the hobo just married us!" Homie-o screamed.

The police stood by their decision. In fact, they now had even more evidence to support it.

Before he was banished, Homie-o had to tell Julie what had happened. He snuck up to her room on the 30th story. Panting, he realized that he was in fact not climbing her wall, but the wall of the Trump Towers building. He shimmied back down and ran to her house. He climbed up to her room in the basement.

"Julie! Julie! I was banished to Mantua Mental Hospital. I had to tell you." He repeatedly poked her on the shoulder and then said, "Well, I gotta go! Ya think we'll see each other again?" he asked her.

"No. Probably not," she replied. "But you don't have to leave yet. That is not the sun. It is… no, wait, that is the sun. See ya!" He shrugged his shoulders and then climbed back up….or down….or….. (Whoa, I'm confusing myself!) Anyway, he left.

Seconds later, Julie's mother walked in. "You are getting married to France tomorrow. That is all," she said. She left the room.

Julie panicked. She snuck out of the house to find the hobo. She said to him, "Oh, Holy Man, I am seeking your religious assistance, dude! I'm married, but I'm supposed to get married tomorrow too. Now, that doesn't really work for me…"

"Chick, I don't know who you are, but there is this wicked cool poiso- umm, I mean potion…yeah, potion….it'll kill you…" Julie gasped. The hobo continued, "…but only for, like, a day, lady. Here's some." He took a drink and fell to the ground. Julie shrugged, grabbed the potion, and ran home.

That night, the night before she had to marry France, she lay on her bed alone, pondering (oh, man, that's a big word!) the consequences.

What a big word, consequences! Oh, yeah…consequences. Let me think, what will happen? Umm, I could die. That would suck. I could wake up surrounded by dead bodies. That would suck, too. This couldn't even work, so I would have to marry a state. Well, that's about it!

Julie drank the potion and fell back on her bed…except, she was already lying on her bed…but…that sounds more dramatic than "Julie fell asleep", doesn't it?

Julie awoke to Norsa licking her face. Or, rather, she didn't awaken because she was more or less dead. Temporarily, at least. Seeing as Norsa, contrary to Julie's beliefs, was a dog, she couldn't actually tell Mrs. Cappa that she was dead. Actually, Norsa couldn't even tell that Julie was dead. But, sooner or later (much, much later), Mrs. Cappa wandered, most likely by accident, into Julie's room.

"You're still asleep? Wake up, you lazy bum!" Julie twitched, but did not awaken. Mrs. Cappa slapped her daughter upside the head, but she did not even twitch this time.

"OMG! I mean, Oh my gosh! Julie's dead!" she cried, "She's dead."

Mr. Cappa walked into the room and said, "She's dead," and then he walked out. Slowly, every single person in the house walked in, looked at her, and said, "She's dead," and walked out. Even Norsa barked. (Or not. I don't know, decide what you want Norsa to do and I'll write that. Okay.) She barked and bit Julie, leaving a pool of blood by her foot. (Happy now? Yes. Ecstatic. Continue.)

Meanwhile, Homie-o was enjoying his banishment to the far-off land of Mantua Mental Hospital. Everyone there understood him (or pretended to). The food wasn't too bad, either. But one day, he received an urgent letter from his almost forgotten friend, Monty Homie #2. He fainted dead away when he read the message: Julie is dead. As soon as he recovered from his state, he knew he must break free of his happy home among the little bunnies…or were those people? Who really knew these days, anyway? He gathered the fastest stallions (what the heck?) and rode off through tundra and dessert -I mean, desert- to his beloved Princess of the Fishes, a.k.a. Julie. Speaking of which, she was in the Cappa Cappa Delta… oops, I mean Cappa Cappa crypt (but doesn't Mrs. Cappa seem like she should be in a sorority? Okay, this really has nothing to do with the story. Hmmmm, where were we? Ah. Yes. The Cappa Cappa crypt.) pretty muchly doing nothing but lying there. After all, she was (temporarily) dead…what did you expect? So Homie-o gallantly rode with his steeds to bid a final farewell to his beloved bride. (Can we call them that? Technically, they aren't married, due to the fact that a hobo was officiating. Oh, whatever.) Any-who, he arrived to see his "bride" "dead" (wow, that's a heck of a lot of quotation marks!). He grabbed the poison (don't YOU carry poison with you at all times, in case of an emergency?) and chugged it. He fell to the ground, dead.

Julie woke up minutes later to see her "husband" dead. She grabbed another container of poison (HOW MUCH POISON DOES THIS DUDE NEED?) from his pocket. She chugged it as well. This didn't appear to be working. She looked at the label on the container and noticed that it was merely Children's Triaminic Cold and Cough Medicine. (Just…don't ask.) So she grabbed his dagger (how did he get away with having all these methods of murder in an insane asylum?) and stabbed herself.

This didn't appear to be working either. Upon closer examination, the dagger was an inflatable toy from McDonald's. The mere thought of Mickey D's made her hungry. So she grabbed a nearby apple (aw, isn't that sweet, someone sent her a fruit basket!), not knowing that it was poisoned. She took a bite and finally succeeded in dying.

We probably should have explained that the Montoya family and the Cappa family were enemies. We might have, but just in case…

The End

(IT WAS THE FLYING HAMSTERS!)