Edit: This story started as a simple brainstorm, but it has turned into my outline of Toris and Ivan's backstory for my major writing projects. I decided to only publish the letter up until the point where they fall in love (1796.) The next major event that happened in Toris and Ivan's relationship can be found in ch. 29 of Diamond in the Rough; however I STRONGLY recommend reading the entire story before spoiling this for yourself, if you want the full emotional impact of what happened. Thanks so much for reading, and please enjoy!

Background:
Throughout his entire 30-year long relationship with Alfred, Toris never once spoke of Ivan. Over time his fear and paranoia built inside of him, until at last he broke down and left Alfred, running to Ivan for help. Alfred was devastated and couldn't understand how Toris could possibly be back with Russia. Years later, Toris finally gained the courage to explain himself. This is his story: how he and Russia first met and fell in love, back in a time when Eduard and Raivis called him "sir," when more German was spoken in the mansion than Russian.

Introduction

Dear Alfred,

I'm afraid I owe you not only an apology, but an explanation, hence the ungodly length of this letter. I hope that you don't have any trouble finding time in your busy schedule to read my case.

I cannot express how mortified I am at the way that I discarded you, nor how much I miss you. Please do not feel any guilt in regards to me, as if you have somehow failed to help me be 'independent'. The truth is the opposite. Please, before you read the rest of this letter, understand this: I could not live with myself knowing that you are bearing the weight of unnecessary guilt. None of this is your fault. It is only mine.

I apologize for keeping my internal pain to myself over the course of our relationship. It was for this reason that I was never able to escape my past, and that my worries and fears only grew inside of me until they burst. You were perfectly worthy of hearing my problems, and I should have trusted you with them. But the simple fact is that I didn't, because I was a coward. Throughout my entire life, personal pains have only been used against me. I was a fool to think you would ever do such a thing.

This is why I am writing to you now: To explain. How is it possible for me to love the man that put me through hell and back, who took away my freedom and caused me so much pain? You are not the first to ask this question, and you will not be the last. Please understand that I myself do not fully know the answer; however you deserve my best attempt at one.

And lastly, do not think that my love for you was anything short of genuine. I still love you, Alfred - I think of you every day. And it breaks my heart to know that I have caused you so much pain. From the moment I first kissed you, I was afraid of hurting you. And now I have. I do not expect your forgiveness.

I am writing this over the course of several days - I will edit as I see fit. Some places you may find to be too detailed for your liking; others not enough. You must understand that Ivan and I talk about you all the time; I have learned not to hide my feelings towards you. He knows some of your secrets. Now you get to know some of his.

AN: I know that a lot of people think Rusliet as being an abusive relationship, but I don't think this was always the case. I understand that from a political perspective this can be potentially offensive to Lithuanians. Please know that Toris acting upon his personal emotions, NOT those of his people. Also I will try to be as historically correct as I can, but there may be some error. If you'd like to read the scene where Toris got back with Ivan, you can read my story Learn to Love Again.

Thanks so much for reading, and please review! The letter will be posted in sections.