20 Questions
Look down, a road stretches out before you. It winds through a valley with tall trees on either side. Along this road drives a silver Volvo. Now imagine the perspective changing. We're in a car; head height; just above the gear stick. I'm presuming this is the Volvo. Either that or the wide-shot was kinda peculiar. We are about two join our two favourite doctors – well my two favourite fictional doctors anyway. Doctors Wilson and House are sitting in the front of the car. Wilson is driving. House, less productively, is twiddling the knobs to alternatively blow hot and cold air towards his friend. He stares intently at the other doctor trying to catch a flicker of suppressed annoyance. Doctor Wilson stares serenely ahead.
Suddenly, the Volvo begins to swerve violently from side to side. House's cane, which he was holding in his left hand between his knees smacks into his jaw. Wilson steadies the car. The corners of his lips tilt just slightly upwards.
"That was lucky, I've heard of some terrible things happening just because the driver of a car was distracted."
"I am not a puppy. Rubbing my nose in a puddle of piss wont work. I might even escalate the situation. I thought you'd read that manual on non-violent conflict resolution"
With that House nonchalantly crumbled a mini cheddar into the other Wilson's hair.
"Eugh! Was that really necessary?"
"Cheese like flavourings have been shown to create lustre and promote hair retention. I was worried you were getting a bald spot."
"Speak for yourself"
And with that the two doctors slip back into silence. House hums something unrecognisable; pouts for a second then returns to playing with the air con. This time Wilson does not attempt to disguise his annoyance. Its a battle he has already lost.
"As an expert... How would you suggest I "non-violently" stop you doing that"
"I have a very active mind, It needs constant stimulation. The best way to stop me is to entertain me."
By some curious way of stressing the words House manages to make that last sentence sound vaguely lewd. To the author that is. I doesn't seem to bother Wilson too much.
"Can't you stimulate yourself"
Well, that definitely sounds rude. Its not through the inflection either. House doesn't quite possess Wilson's unflappability or propriety. He definitely notices.
"You seriously wouldn't mind it I did THAT right now?"
There is silence for a second. You can pretty much see Wilson is trying to decide whether to call House's bluff. Then again you never know what his desired outcome might be. He could just be worried about wrecking his leather upholstery.
"That might fall into the category of distracting the driver."
I guess he thought House might be bluffing. Or maybe he WAS worried about the upholstery. Or genuinely anxious about its affect on his driving. There are numerous possible explanations.
"I could do it quietly"
For a while Wilson is silent. I guess that shows he isn't dignifying that comment with an answer. Or maybe he's pondering House's suggestion.
"20 Questions?"
Finally the title is explained. THAT took a while.
"I'm afraid I left my Wilson to English dictionary in my other trousers."
"You want a distraction well I think of something and you ask me 20 Questions to find out what it is. They have to be yes/no questions"
"Sounds stimulating"
I wonder if that DOES sound rude to Wilson. There is a little circle of reddening flesh right on his cheek bone. Then again House has been playing with the air con.
"I've thought of something ask away"
"Is it a person?"
"no"
Wilson is smiling. Clearly he thinks he is being clever. Then again I wrote this maybe it isn't at all clear to you. Good thing I told you then.
"Is it an object?"
"Its more a name for a subset of objects"
"I thought these were yes/no questions."
"Don't complain I'm helping you."
"All right, does this thing occur naturally?"
"Humans create it so no."
"You just can't help yourself can you?"
"Is that a question?"
"Not if it isn't relevant. Ummm.... Are they corporeal things?"
"Yep"
"That isn't yes or no but I'll let it slide."
House stares at the darkening sky for a second. He twiddles his cane.
"Are they alive?"
"no"
"Do I like them or it?"
"Definitely"
Wilson is smiling fully now. He flicks the headlights on and licks his lips. Waiting for his colleague's next question.
"Is it tits?"
Now the younger doctor is grinning. House better catch on quickly otherwise Wilson will turn into the Cheshire cat.
"It contains breasts."
"Does it contain cocks?"
"yeh"
House is grinning now. I think he may have got it.
"Did you hope to slip it by me by thinking of something that I would think you would think was too easy?"
"I think so, not quite sure what you mean but I'll go for yes"
"Is it porn"
"yes"
"So you've been thinking about porn for the last ten minutes or so? Doesn't that 'distract the driver'"
"Yes, though in an abstract rather than specific sense."
"Do you often think of porn in an abstract sense?"
After that action packed episode, I'm afraid we have to leave the two doctors to their drive. You never know though. I might write another chapter where Wilson finally snaps and throws House out of the car to freeze to death in snowy New Jersey and all because he was fiddling with the air con. Or maybe Wilson will pull over and they will begin a very passionate affair. Or maybe Wilson will reveal he has decided to follow his dream and retrain as a psychoanalyst. Or maybe House will have an incredibly painful spasm and I could write a touching fic all about how Wilson helped him through his pain. We've been neglecting Chase and Cuddy. Its up to you read and review.
p.s. I apologise for my grating Britishness and lack of a beta.