To read this story as it is meant to be read, please muster up all the sarcasm in your system and insert it into this tale. This story is meant to be a joke; I personally love Disney and all its princesses to an almost obsessive amount. I just… wanted to poke fun at them a little bit. Because I care. : )
"And since you've been so good to poor old Granny, I'll share a secret with you. This is no ordinary apple. It's a magic wishing apple. "whispered the old hag-who was actually the queen in disguise- to Snow White.
"A wishing apple?" Snow White asked dreamily
"Yes. One bite, and all your dreams will come true." The Queen egged Snow White on. She needed her to eat that apple. What other purpose in life did she have other than to be "Fairest in all the Land"?
"Really?" questioned Snow White
"Yes, girlie. Now, make a wish, and take a bite." A magic wishing apple, although completely foreign to Snow White, was also completely logical to her and she accepted it without further question.
Snow White slowly lifted the apple to her mouth as the Queen looked on eagerly, but before she could take even the tiniest bite, there was a loud bang and the front door of the cottage flew across the room.
"EVERYBODY FREEZE. THIS IS A RATIONAL HOLD-UP" shouted the figure outlined in the doorway.
"A what?" hissed the Queen as she stood up from behind the chair she had dove behind when the door had been kicked open.
"A rational intervention. Trust me ladies, this entire movie is in need of one and ASAP." The figure had finally stepped into the cottage. It was a very short, portly man with red hair with a multitude of scars covering his thick arms and face.
Taking note of his small stature, Snow White asked, in the babyish voice she always used when speaking to people shorter than her, "Oh, are you a dwarf too? Perhaps you're a cousin to the men who live here! Would you like some gooseberry pie?"
The man sighed "No, I ain't no dwarf. I'm a goblin. Gob-lin. I don't sing like they do. That much anyway… And I don't want pie. That stuff goes straight to my hips. And if you're gonna talk to me like that, I'm just gonna let dear old 'Granny' over there murder you."
"Who are you?" The Queen shouted "And how did you know of my plan?"
"You were going to kill me?" Snow White whimpered "But you offered me magic food! There was no possible way that you were evil!"
The goblin smacked his forehead into his palm and sighed loudly. "Listen. I. Am Pete. The Only Rational Character." He bowed deeply "And I know your plan, lady," he pointed at the Queen who was currently trying to edge her way out of the door "because it is my job to travel from story to story and tell the characters how god-awfully irrational and stupid they're being."
"Irrational?" Snow White asked through her tears, making her warbly voice sound even more like it was underwater than usual. "No one here is being irrational"
"Oh no?" Pete cracked his knuckles and stretched his arms "Alright, here we go"
He turned to Snow White "Let's start with you, shall we?"
Snow White stared blankly.
"First off, where do you get off, with this whole 'I'm in love' thing? Not only do you not have any background information on this guy, including, oh gee, I dunno, HIS NAME but you also only had about 30 seconds of face time with your 'prince' because as soon as he spoke to you, YOU RAN AWAY LIKE AN IDIOT. That's not love babe, its ANDROPHOBIA. Although, I guess you can't have that because you just took control of these poor men's lives as soon as you, rudely I might add, barged into their house and lives! You can't play mother to them when they're older than you! Have you seen their facial hair? One of them could be your father! Or grandfather! Although, you've got a pretty bad track record with men considering how you just decided to blindly trust the man who was going to KILL YOU and follow his advice of running away into the forest! That was a real smart move! HE WAS GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU IDIOT. WHY WOULD YOU TRUST HIM?"
Pete stopped to take a deep breath before continuing again.
"You've got some serious trust issues girlie. Trusting your almost-murderer, trusting the wild animals of the forest, who are probably rapid considering how they were all out during the daytime, trusting seven random men and now trusting this random lady who just so happens to stop by your window with a basket of apples! You've been out in the woods for, like, two days now and nobody has come along up to this point and the first person who does is a scary old HAG who keeps trying to force you to eat an apple. Yeah, she seems like a real trustworthy character! And who the fuck has ever heard of a wishing apple? NO ONE, THAT'S WHO. Why would you believe her? She has no qualities about her that should make you think 'Yep, this is a person I am going to trust.' And even if it had been a magic apple, why wouldn't you wish for the Queen to stop wanting to kill you? Doesn't that seem a bit more reasonable than wishing for a prince to come? Good god lady! And speaking of the Queen" Pete turned to face the hag.
The Queen/Hag was standing frozen staring at him like he was the weird one or something.
"I am so glad you have so much time on your hands" Pete said to her "because you clearly don't have any matters more urgent to attend to like RULING YOUR KINGDOM OR ANYTHING. I mean, by the end of the movie, you'll be dead and Snow Stupid over there will be comatose. WHO THE HELL WILL BE RULING YOUR KINGDOM? I wouldn't be surprised if it's in a permanent state of poverty and disarray considering the fact that its two people of royalty have decided that they have better things to do than look after them! Which, by the way, wouldn't even be an issue if you just got rid of that idiotic mirror! Why do you believe what it says anyway? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder you idiot! IT'S AN OPINION THING. NOT EVERYBODY IN THE KINGDOM IS GOING TO THINK SNOW WHITE IS THE FAIREST."
The two women stared silently at him.
"I… wasn't aware…I didn't think that we were the most irrational characters in the story" Snow White said sadly, looking over at the Queen who was nodding in agreement.
"Oh, don't be sad darlin'" said Pete in a much calmer tone as he wiped the sweat from his brow-a good sarcastic rant always made him sweaty "You two weren't the only ones. For example, the dwarves shouldn't have trusted you in the first place. I mean, a girl who just invites herself into their home and sleeps on their beds? That's not normal. And no matter how beautiful you may be, they should have buried you. It's just plain unsanitary not to. Not that their known for their smarts anyway-they should have started leaving that idiot Dopey behind in the mountain a long time ago. He ruins everything. I bet it was his idea to put the key to their tool shed right next to the door in plain sight. Completely defeats the purpose of a lock, doesn't it? And furthermore, the fact that they didn't even know how to bathe makes me wonder how they survived out here for as long as they did."
Snow White and the Queen nodded at each other and seemed to accept Pete's answer that they were not the only irrational characters in their story.
Pete looked from one lady to the other before he shrugged and said simply "Eh, well there's no such thing as a perfect story anyway."
And with that, Pete left the cottage, leaving the two women with very much to think about.