Disclaimer: Me no owny.

A/N: *the author pretends to care if anyone is offended by her humor, but fails miserably*

Spirited Awry

by Undercooked

"This is totally not suspicious," decided the fat man who had just gotten out of the car.

"Honey, you're too fat for this," said his ugly wife. "Get back in the car."

"Nonsense!" he exclaimed. "Let's wander into this ghost town that is undoubtedly full of armed hobos and diseased prostitutes!"

"Oh, all right," sighed the ugly wife. "Come on, abnormally skinny daughter."

The abnormally skinny child in the back seat shook her head. She, unlike her hideous parents, was not an idiot.

"I'm not as stupid as you two," she said. "I'm def not going."

"Well, whatever. I'll leave you here and maybe you'll get stabbed by a tripping squatter," her mother shrugged, following fattie's elastic waistband into a suspenseful tunnel. Skinny child, whose name was Chihiro, exited the car and ran after her stupid parents.

"There's no-one here," remarked her father.

"No kidding," Chirhiro retorted.

"I WILL CUT A BITCH!" he raged, pointing at his malnourished child, who quickly backed down.

"Hey look, food!" exclaimed ugly, and fattie, distracted, yelled,

"WHERE?"

The two began to run over to the food, but as they ran, they trod on the coat of a well-hidden hobo, and he jumped up and stabbed both of them in the aorta.

"Mom! Dad! You were stabbed by a hobo!" exclaimed Chihiro. "What should I do? Oo, look, a bridge."

Attracted to the lovely bridge, she ran over it, happy until she was stopped by an Amish boy.

"Go back!" he exclaimed. "You can't be on this bridge!"

Remembering her bleeding parents, Chihiro said,

"Oh, hey, my parents got stabbed by a hobo...maybe you could call an ambulance?"

"My people don't have phones," said the Amish boy, shaking his head. "But we do have horses. Follow meee!"

With that, he jumped on to a waiting pony. Barely hesitating, the girl also jumped onto the pony. Living with fattie and ugly for eleven years had really built up her tolerance for strange events. The two rode across the bridge, trampling a frog who tried to get in their way.

"Listen, skinny girl," said Amish, helping her off of the horse. "My horse can't travel on stairs, so this is what you do. Go down that assload of stairs over there until you see a door."

"What do I do then?" asked Chihiro, distracted by the boy's bowlcut.

"...Open the door."

"Then what?"

"Go...inside. You go inside."

"I think I've got it."

And so Chihiro the obnoxiously thin raced down an assload of stairs, found a door, and opened it. Once inside, she saw a very strange sight indeed. A man with too many arms was working a wheel and mumbling to himself. Also he had cool sunglasses.

"Vishnu?" asked the girl, confusing the old man with the supreme Hindu god.

"No...Kumaji," he said, disappointing her. "But Vishnu was my stage name."

"Were you an actor?"

"A male stripper, actually. What can I do for you?"

"Some Amish kid sent me here," shrugged Chihiro.

"Damn that Haku. Always sending malnourished children whose parents got shanked down here. Well, I can't help you."

"For real realz?" asked the girl, looking downcast.

"Aww...don't look so sad. Here, look, there's a cute black puffball or something," the strange old man tried to cheer her up.

"Who do I look like, Satsuki Kusakabe?" yelled Chihiro. This frightened the black puffballs, who ran away inside their little puffball holes.

"No. You actually look like a little girl," retorted Kumaji.

"Burn!" they both exclaimed at once, then laughed for quite some time.

"I guess you are alright, child," said the weird old man finally. "Maybe I can do something for you."

Just then, a woman who we will call 'Slutnugget' came to give Kumaji his food. You see, Slutnugget was not this unfortunate creature's name originally, but I can't remember her real one. So Slutnugget it is.

"Here's your food you old freak," she said. "Hey, who's the ho?"

"Oh, that's just another of Haku's malnourished kids," sighed Kumaji. "Could you give her a job?"

"Fo sho," said Slutnugget. "Come with me."

Chirhiro followed this strange woman with some trepidation, and right she was to have that particular feeling. Why you shall see.

But not in this chapter.

Now go get yourself a job.