Title: Funny Guy
Author: Slashydutchie
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: SS/OMC
Summary: It was only summer love… but when a comedian the students seem to adore comes to Hogsmeade, our favourite Potions Master is in for a blast from the past. Based ever so slightly on the idea that sparked my fic 'Behind green eyes', only this actually seems to make some sense and doesn't give off the impression I'm on drugs. And if I was… I'm Dutch, it's allowed here! big goofy grin Slight AU, no spoilers provided you've read one of the books and/or have seen one of the movies… otherwise it might tell you who the people are.
Genre: Humor, Parody, Romance, Song-Fic (kinda, it has songs in it…)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize. Mitch however is entirely mine, as is the scenario since I don't believe I've ever seen it before. If I'm wrong, feel free to correct me. All the songs belong to Stephen Lynch, whom I worship… in an entirely not-creepy way. No, really… stop laughing!
Feedback: Hell yeah! Reward my insanity!
Archive: Ask first, or rather tell me first, I'm most likely okay with it.
A/N: italics : singing
Contrary to what most of his students seem to think, Severus Snape has been in love. It all began in the summer after he graduated from Hogwarts…Insert cool fade-out thingy here
Severus still didn't know how Lucius had managed to convince him to go to this so-called 'Comedy Club'. It was dark, smoky… ah, he began to see why his friend thought he'd be comfortable here. "Who are we going to see again?" he drawled. This wasn't for some particular purpose, it was simply how it was done. Slytherins never simply asked something, nor did they just say stuff… it had to be drawling or snapping or something of the like. "We're gonna see… that guy!" the young Malfoy replied with a broad grin, his voice not at all Slytherin-compliant.
Here, it might be wise to point out that this club was in the Netherlands… Amsterdam, to be precise. Like most guys who'd just come of age, were from another country and came here… Lucius was stoned… or something else, Severus wasn't entirely sure what he'd taken.
"What. Guy?" Severus aimed a glare at his companion. This was just insane… he was in some smoky bar about to listen to some 'Funny Guy' with a Malfoy who was mainly thinking about Funions and Mountain Dew. "Er… I think he's called Gerard something." The young Snape wiped off his face, his friend had just attempted the hard 'G' sound the Dutch use and, like all English-speaking people who did this, failed miserably and pretty much just gave whoever happened to be opposite him a shower.
(A/N: For those of you who manage one 'G' and are looking proud… don't. My uncle Sam from Dallas, TX managed one. Try saying 'Achtentachtig prachtige grachten', if you manage THAT, I'll be impressed. Don't worry, it means 88 beautiful channels)
"Oh, goody…" Severus muttered, looking over to the stage. This didn't have any particular reason other than the fact that he managed to avoid looking at Lucius who was currently enjoying the pretty colours on the ceiling only he could see. Then HE came onto the stage. The Slytherin had never believed in love at first sight… and in fact he still didn't. But, being in his late teens, his faith in lust at first sight was enough to built an actual system on. And it was what he was feeling right now.
The man, perhaps a bit older than Severus himself, was busy with a guitar. He had brown hair fixed into an Uncle Jesse-style mullet which resembled the one John Stamos had (A/N: 80's, baby!) His eyes were a clear blue and he was wearing simple blue jeans and a tight white shirt. Oh well, at least the view tonight would be very pleasant indeed. "Er… Sev… you're, you know… drooling," Lucius put in helpfully. "No I'm not!" The dark-haired boy glared at the blonde as he made a point out of not wiping his mouth until something else caught Lucius' attention again. It didn't take long. "Ooh… shiny shoes!"
Severus' head snapped back towards the stage when he heard someone yell a profanity through a microphone. He looked even better from the front! Which might have something to do with his jeans being pretty tight too… the young Snape truly desired to see the back of him, and not for the usual reasons.
"Now I've got everybody's attention… my name is Johnny Marshall and I'm here especially for the kids!" Well, It wasn't 'Gerard' after all… but this wasn't a big surprise considering Lucius had called some homeless guy 'daddy' and had refused to let him go for half an hour before they went here. "You know why? Because you should never forget you can be anything you want… even a superhero!" He grinned and started playing his guitar.
"If I could be a superhero
I would be Awesome Man
I'd fly around the world fighting crime
According to my awesome plan
And if I saw criminals trying to lie
Hurting other people and making them cry
I'd haul them off to jail in my awesome van
'Cause I would be Awesome Man
"Now, Some criminals want you to be a criminal
And they offer you things like drugs, alcohol
But we know what to do, kids
We just say 'No'… don't we kids?!"
"NO WE DON'T!" Lucius yelled, rather loudly. Severus wondered if anybody would notice if he'd hide under the table right about now. "Ah, I see we've found our little stone-table! You drunken motherfucker!" Johnny announced. "Laughing at everything just a second too late… I see what's going on there!" he chuckled. "Me too," he stage-whispered. "You know what, kids? Let's just pretend drugs and alcohol are bad!"
"If I could be a superhero
I would be Drug-Free boy
Telling the world of the evils of drugs
And all of the lives they destroy
Well I would take all the junkies
Who're getting so high
With their needles and bongs
And their sticks made of tye
As I burn them alive I would squeal with joy
Because I would be drug-free boy!"
Here, he attempted and failed to whistle a bit. "Damn, cottonmouth…" He snatched a beer from someone in the front row, took a swig and replaced it. "Much better!"
"If I could be a superhero
I'd be Immigration dude
I'd send all the foreigners back to their homes
For eating up all of our food
And taking our welfare and best jobs to boot
Like landscaping, dishwashing, picking our fruit
I'd pass a lot of laws to get rid of their brood
'Cause I'd be Immigra…"
The comedian looked around. "A bloody hush just fell over the crowd. All the foreign people hate me now! Now kids, that verse was meant to by ironical… tongue in cheek! They get all the shitty jobs that nobody wants! Oh, damn… now EVERYBODY hates me!" Severus most definitely didn't. In fact, he was trying to think of ways to get into his pants.
"Now, you can make up a superhero! Just shout it out, I don't give a shit!" This was followed by a Justice League including, but not limited to, Fellatio Girl, Homeless Man, Narcolepsy Boy, Bong Man, Bestiality Boy and Fuck You Guy. Lucius actually managed to make up the last one, though not entirely on purpose. Besides that, he mainly shouted out words. After a while, Johnny pointed at him. "I'm done with you now, you're not even making up superhero's! You're just shouting out words! Who are you Tourette's Boy?!" Severus felt ashamed in Lucius' place, since the Malfoy didn't really seem to notice he was being insulted. "I'll just make up the last one, shall I kids?" Johnny said from the stage.
"If you could be a superhero
Would you be Justice Guy
Making sure people get what they deserve
Especially women who lie
Like if a wife left her husband
With three kids and no job
To run off to Hawaii
With some doctor named Bob
You can skin them and drain them of blood so they die
Especially Bob
Then you would be Justice Guy
"Or then you would be Homeless Man
Or then you would be Fuck You Guy
Or then you would be Narcolepsy Boy
Then You would be Justice Guy
Yes then you would be a super hero like me… and Tourette's Boy!"
After receiving his applause and taking a bow, Johnny walked off the stage and towards the bar. Someone else took his place, but Severus didn't pay attention to them, nor to Lucius and walked over towards him. "Hey…" The man looked over to him. "Heya." Okay… what was he supposed to say now? Usually he didn't go in without a plan. Hell, he rarely went in at all. "I just er… wanted to apologize for my friend," the Slytherin stammered. Johnny raised his eyebrows. "Your friend?" Severus looked away from those blue eyes and stared at the floor. "Tourette's Boy." This got a hearty laugh from the other man. "Don't worry, he was quite entertaining. You know what? Buy me a drink and I'll completely forgive him. What's a beer for the well-being of your friend's soul, after all?" Finally the dark man managed to get his wit back. "Obviously you haven't met Lucius… but who cares?" With that, he ordered two beers.
Three hours later
"Wow… that was… wow…" Johnny chuckled. "You're sounding like your friend Lucy by now, Severus." The Slytherin didn't mind it much and simply snuggled into the other guy's chest a little bit, ignoring the tickling of the hairs there. "You never lose your wit, do you?" he mock-pouted. "Well… there was a point where my speech was… shall we say impaired?" This made Severus grin.
"I can make that happen again, you know…" the young Snape whispered before he placed a gentle kiss on the other's lips. "Is that right?" he grinned. "Yup." Severus smiled a smug smile that people seemed to get as a welcoming present when they were sorted into Slytherin. "Prove it." As an answer to that the dark-haired man dove back under the blankets.
Two weeks later
"Promise you'll come and visit?" Severus gently rubbed Johnny's arms. "I could, but I'd likely be lying… promise to miss you, though. REALLY bad." They kissed. "Would you two get a move on?!" came the irritated voice of Lucius Malfoy. "You've been at it for half an hour! That's not saying goodbye, that's just plain making out!" Both others sighed. "Well, goodbye then…" Johnny's blue eyes looked deep into Severus' dark ones. "Oh, for Merlin's sake…" with those immortal words, Lucius dragged his friend along.
A/N: Next chapter will be in the 'present'.