Prologue – Boredom
If GLaDOS was anything right now, she was bored.
The AI was as snippy and pissy as a personality uploaded into a computer could possibly be. She still found herself babysitting her murderer, the woman – girl, GLaDOS found a better label for the orange-clad brunette (Maybe, once, a long, long time ago, her hair had been black. Maybe, before she went rolling in mud puddles down in old Aperture) – who was currently curled up in the corner of her main chamber chewing on her portal gun despite specific warnings not to look at the operational end of the device, or to submerge it in liquid, even partially, or to never ever under no circumstances—bzzzzzzttttt. That part of her mind had somehow been permanently deleted, for a long time; though GLaDOS wondered if it ended with 'stick it in your mouth like a retard monkey'.
"Take the operational end of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device out of your mouth, you brain dead child," the queen of Aperture Science scolded, somewhere between irritated beyond belief and vaguely motherly. Not truly concerned for the literally brain damaged girl, but someone had to keep her from covering herself in conversion gel and portal-ing herself.
The part of GLaDOS who was Caroline was worried for the only person she could consider her friend, and also rather embarrassed that they had to intervene midway through the above situation.
The girl glanced, wide-eyed and practically adoring, at the AI. She pulled the portal device out of her mouth, tilted her head and placed the gun to the side, before turning her attention to the blonde android sitting next to her, watching her with interest.
Caroline would not let GLaDOS dispose of Chell or Wheatley and most of the cores – who much to her own distaste refused to leave her be – were also too fond of her. They would not allow her to put Chell through any more tests in her condition, either.
But GLaDOS was bored! And what is the simple solution to boredom?
Throw some weighted cubes into some gel, unauthorise some turrets on their way through transport and herd them through an emancipation grill, throw some antiques from old Aperture into an Emergency Aperture Intelligence Incinerator? GLaDOS becomes crueller when bored, the kind of cruel that does not come with a conscience (except, perhaps, with Chell. But that is never to be dwelled upon), though it turns out you can only dick around with Aperture Science equipment (and the poor sentient pieces of metal and plastic) for so long before it loses its charm.
It has lost its goddamn charm.
What GLaDOS needs to do is acquire some new test subjects.
A/N: Welcome to our serious crack fic, Consensus. Currently we have Portal, Death Note, Adventure Time, South Park and Dragon Age all shoved together into one fic, but we will add to this as it continues to spiral into insanity. Anyway, enjoy~
(P.S. "Eli" here is pronounced like "Ellie", not "Elii", before that starts up.)
- Elspeth and Jade