A/N: I screwed up majorly. Like...the worst thing I could have done. I know she'll (yes, SHE'll) read this because she loves this song and she loves this series. And it's in here because--she's my Dark. Not in a romantic sense of the word (funny how it even has a definition...), but in...I...like...deep, personal ways that are totally unromantic. Does that make sense? Whatever... I don't care about faves or reviews or whatever. I just want her to read this. She's my friend. My best freaking friend. Anyway, this... is my DNAOC named Yuki, writing to a friend about problems she's having with Dark. Very AU. Very...it's all me, all emotion, and all true. Um...enjoy.
Alright, well. Here's an explanation, because I know one will be eventually needed. I'm worried about him. I always am. I don't show I care because—d'you remember when he wanted to run away? Not the time he crossed the busy intersection. A time before that. Well, he took his phone, and was texting me through it. After a few hours, though, he left: "Gotta conserve battery. Later." After twenty minutes, I texted him: "Text me when you get to your friend's house, okay? I want to be sure you're safe" at apparently exactly the same time that he sent me something. I got his first text, and then another in response to mine. It said, "You're really that worried?" And I just replied, "YES." He started going off on some tangent about me babying him and worrying too much and being overly-protective and overly-caring. I was like, "What do you want me to do? Say, 'Oh, running away? That's cool. I'm making a sandwich'?" And his rant got even more passionate and forceful.
I knew it wasn't my fault, so I never got angry. I knew he just needed to vent, so I held back.
I stopped caring—well, no, I stopped SHOWING that I care—because I never want to cause another thing like that. I don't want him to feel smothered, especially because of me.
He went home sick today, half-way through sixth period. I hate making him upset—especially to the point he gets sick. It's happened before, and I think it's happening again.
…I don't really…think he hates me. I think he hates the fact that I hurt him too many times, and is fed up with feeling worthless. Because I know I mean a lot to him. And to think he thought that I don't care… Like I said, he doesn't hate me (at least, I think), but what I've done.
He can't hate me. Not just because I'm his Mal ((totally giving it away…)) and he's my Mar-bear ((don't ask, please)), but also because he just can't hate. He has a big heart and an overactive conscience. If I know anything about him, it's that… He's beating himself up because he doesn't want to be upset with me, but he feels he can't trust me anymore. I understand the internal struggle. And his multiple Selves probably aren't helping, either…
…Maybe I'm wrong, but maybe I'm not. Maybe he just WANTS me to be wrong…
I'm a horrible person for what I've done. But I love him so much, and I only wish that I would have shown it more—and steadily, instead of in strange fits of affection he didn't see or understand.
And, I wish I had courage enough to show this to him.