The hour is late and the night air is so cold that when he sighed, a puff of white smoke escaped from Nishiki's chapped lips. When he reached her apartment, he didn't have to knock. Instead, he takes out the key she had given him the first time he came over. He always thought it was a naive thing to do, to hand over spare keys to a man you've hooked up with once when you barely even knew him. But she was far from naive, he knew that now. She's very smart and strong and capable. "Which is why she'll be just fine without you, you jerk," he mumbled quietly to himself.
When he opened the door, he saw Kimi sitting on the bed, hugging her legs to her chest. Her eyes were puffy and tears streamed down her cheeks, and she wiped them away immediately. She turned the TV off before she jumped from her bed and came running to him. Nishiki stood still, his body going rigid, when she wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest. He could feel her trembling against him.
"Oi," he said, none too gently. He placed his hand on her shoulder to push her away, just enough so that he can take a good look at her. Kimi can be very emotional sometimes, and since the TV was on, he thought maybe she'd been watching another sad movie. But when he looked into her eyes, he knew she's not crying just because she watched The Notebook. "Are you okay?"
He reached down to wipe the tears from her eyes. He cupped her warm face with his cold hands, but she didn't seem to mind. "I was watching the news," she said through her sniffles. "I thought- I thought that maybe you... I thought you already left without saying goodbye..." She looked up at him and saw the pained expression on his face. She knew then why he was here. "Oh," was all she could say, in a small voice.
Her hands reached up to cover his hands on her face. She wanted to keep them there. She wanted these cold hands to remain here forever, touching her, holding her. She doesn't want him to go, but it's a very selfish request to make him stay. She bit her lip, not knowing what to say. But he runs his thumb over her lower lip, causing her to part her lips with a small sigh. "How much time do you have?" she asked.
"Less than what I desire," he said bitterly. This whole situation was a mess. They knew it would've happen sooner or later, but they were hoping it was later. They didn't have high hopes for their relationship either, knowing that it was a tragedy waiting to happen - a human and a ghoul? It was bound to go wrong one way or another. But still, they fell even more in love every day. They both sighed at the same time, causing his lips to quirk up into a little smirk, despite everything.
She stood on the tips of her toes to touch her lips to his and his arms went around her waist, pulling her to him. But his breath hitched and he broke away for a moment, then she was engulfed in his tight embrace. Her arms went up around him as well. "Fuck," he muttered under his breath. "I... don't want to go-" his voice broke, and Nishiki's strong, nonchalant exterior shattered.
He's been wearing a straight face all day, walking around like it's just another normal day in the 20th ward. Even when he'd spoken to Kaneki a little while ago, he didn't take this suit of armor off. He spoke calmly and smiled casually. But all day, his veins had been buzzing with apprehension and his stomach was twisting with anxiety. The truth is, he's afraid. He's afraid of leaving this safe haven, afraid to die, afraid to be apart from the woman he loves...
Why did it have to happen now? he kept asking himself. Why now, that he was starting to hope again. And love again. And feel like he belonged. Why now that he was working harder than ever in college, listening intently to his professors and taking down notes during lectures and reading in his free time? Because in the back of his head, he had started imagining a future for himself. A future where he could live properly, camouflaged within the human population. A man who has a decent job, a lover to come home to, and friends to meet up with every once in a while... Why now?
"I want to stay here," he sobbed. His knees buckled and he fell to the floor, his arms still around Kimi's waist and his face pressed against her stomach. He could feel her fingers running through his hair, soothing him, but she doesn't speak. Because she has one hand covering her mouth to suppress the sobs in her throat. She couldn't cry, not now that he's crying. She had to try her best to not make this harder than it already is. Because that's how it works in relationships. When one breaks, the other has to collect the pieces to hold him together. They can't be broken at the same time.
She hastily wiped at her tears and dried her wet cheeks with the sleeve of her sweater. She continued stroking Nishiki's hair, then lowered herself to his level. Now it was her turn to hold his face in her hands and wipe away his tears. She kissed his eyes, kissing his tears away. He placed a hand over hers and smiled at her. That face, that smile; the soft expression on his face that made him look younger, and that sad smile full of hope. He's giving her the same look he did back then, when she had just learned that he was a ghoul.
She kissed him on the lips once. "I'll give you something to remember me by, then."
It's their last night together. Their last kiss, a final moment spent in each other's arms, drenched in each other's warmth, bound in each other's love. It's the last chance to feel the friction when their skin so much as brushes against each other. She wants to feel him inside her one last time and he wants to hold her against him.
She slid his jacket from his shoulders and planted a kiss on his jaw in doing so. She took him by the hand and led her to the middle of her room. She grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head and he did the same to her sweater. He kissed her throat and she raised her chin to give him more access. There was a tingling sensation throughout her body as she felt his fingers unhooked her bra.
They took turns taking each other's clothes off until there was nothing left. He has seen her so many times before that she didn't even bother covering herself when she comes out from the shower in the morning, but the intensity of his gaze makes her cheeks heat up now. His eyes looked her up and down, memorizing everything about her body. He looked at her - really looked at her - and saw her in a way he's never seen her before.
The little gap between the blinds from the window behind her let in a little sliver of moonlight, illuminating her skin. His eyes moved up from her curled toes, uneasy knees, and closed thighs, to skim the flatness of her stomach, the swell of her breasts, and her pronounced collarbones. He could also see her scars. All of them are different, and each told a different story. She had cuts on her forearms, from before he met her. There was also a scar across her stomach, from surgery. And the biggest scar was on her shoulder, one that he had caused himself, forever marring her.
Kimi was already naked as it is, with her clothes strewn all across the floor with his, but somehow, she felt as though he was still undressing her with his eyes. As if he was no longer looking at her body but is continuing to undress her, peeling her skin away to see what was truly inside. Her cheeks started to tint a deep shade of red and she found herself looking away from him and crossing her arms to cover herself. "What are you doing, Nishiki? You look like a pervert."
With that, he finally broke from his trance. He marched over to her, finally closing the distance between them. His hand touched her cheek, and she leaned her face into his now warm hand. Her arms lowered to her sides when his hand traveled down to her neck and down the curve of her hip. He pulled her closer to him and she reached up to take his glasses from his eyes, setting them onto the table behind her. She placed her hand on his chest, feeling his heart beat pick up its pace, and trailed it down to feel his hard, toned abs. She felt his breath hitch underneath her palm, then his mouth crashed down on hers and her arms went up and wound around his neck. She pulled him down to her, deepening their kiss, until their tongues were in contact with each other.
A single teardrop rolled down her cheek. Something about the kiss broke her heart. She could almost taste his goodbye. His lips were passionate and fierce, but at the same time desperate and needy. He's taking everything he can from her, and she's doing everything to memorize the way his lips feel against hers, so as to never forget. Her hands moved up and her fingers tangled in his hair.
Nishiki carefully laid her down onto the bed, his lips only leaving hers to catch for breath. For a moment, they just stayed like that; he hovered above her, their foreheads pressed together, eyes looking down at each other's parted lips. Kimi tilted her head to kiss him once again. Her hands moving down his back, fingers trailing down his spine, made him shiver. He kissed the corner of her lips before trailing kisses across her jaw and down to her neck. He remained there for a while, sucking and biting at her skin until it grew into an angry shade of red, then licking it to soothe the little sting. He trailed all these little marks all over her body, a cruel reminder for her to see in the next few days. The selfish part of him wanted her to remember, to never forget that he was here. That she loved him unconditionally, just as he loved her. He knew he will never find anyone like her in his lifetime, so the most pathetic and greedy parts of him left each mark in hopes that she wouldn't move on from him - at least, not yet. Not in a long time. I'm sorry, he thought as he left each one.
When he entered her, her body felt immense pleasure but she could feel her heart shatter to pieces. She could taste salt in their kiss, though she was fully aware that she wasn't crying. It was him, she realized. Nishiki is crying again. He buried his face in her neck and she could feel her skin moistening with his tears. He held her gently, carefully, almost as if he was afraid he was going to break her. He goes slow, as if he has all the time in the world - which he clearly did not. She thought this was so unlike him, but her nails dug into his back in pleasure nonetheless.
The sound of the city made its way through the window, and they could faintly make out the sound of sirens. Nishiki clicked his tongue, before claiming Kimi's lips once again. Her cheeks grew wet from his tears. The thrusting of his hips grew in velocity as the urgency of the situation sunk in once again. He had thought that he could at least treasure his last moments with her; thought that if he bid his time, fate would allow it. After they climax, he remained stubborn. He doesn't get off of her and flee the way he ought to, instead he laid his head down between her breasts and listened to her heartbeat. It was fast, accompanied by the rise and fall of her chest as she tried to catch her breath.
She allowed him a few minutes of silence, until her heartbeat has calmed and her breathing has evened out and his tears have dried. "Nishiki..." she said quietly, finally breaking the silence. "I don't want you to die. Maybe it's time you..."
He rose from her chest and found that she was covering her eyes with her arm. He looked at her for a second, before mustering his usual smirk. "If you're throwing me out, just say so," he joked without humor. He'd said it to lighten the mood, but it only made her chest squeeze more.
Kimi's eyes were closed, but she could hear his movements as he got dressed. When she lowered her arm and opened her eyes, he was shrugging on his jacket. He fiddled with something around his wrist, then walked over to her and asked for her open palm, where he laid the bangles she had given him not too long ago. "Give them to someone more deserving, would you?"
Kimi looked at them for a moment. Then she let them fall to the floor, as caught at his wrist with an iron grip. "Take me with you," she said in a voice firmer than her grip, her eyes set and determined.
For a moment, he was tempted to relent. But he's not that foolish. He couldn't be foolish at a time like this. Keeping her by his side is a luxury he can't afford. "It's not safe where I'm going," he said, and her grip loosened around him. Where he was going was no place for someone as good and beautifully human as her. But he held her hand, lacing his fingers with hers just to see, one last time, how perfectly his fit with hers. "I can't protect you. And... you know I can't bear to lose you."
He leaned down and planted a gentle kiss on the scar on her shoulder. She let out a small, soft sigh. He squeezed his eyes shut and winced when he heard her. Leaving is getting harder and harder by the second. Before he loses all sense of logic and decides to stay, he kissed her on the lips one last time and rested his forehead against hers for a moment, his eyes staring directly into hers. "Stay safe, yeah?" he instructed. "Don't push yourself too hard with your studies. Never miss a meal. Sleep for a complete nine hours every night. And always lock your door. Don't wait up for me. Just stop being your usual stubborn self, yeah?"
She only nodded, because if she opened her mouth, everything will spill out.
But before he was completely out of her room, out of her apartment, completely out of her life, she was unable to stop herself. "Nishiki!" she called out, her voice clipped as she desperately fought off the sobs threatening from inside her. He stopped to look at her, eyes expectant. "Live," she said, her voice somewhere in between a loud sob and a hoarse whisper.
His eyes glistened and his face softened. His lips turned up into a sad smile. He knew he hadn't been able to protect his sister. He had been weak and stubborn and ignorant. And he still is. But he sure as hell can protect this girl. And he will. And for once in his life, he will be strong. Strong enough to leave the only one he's ever truly loved in his life. Because it's easier to walk away from her and know that she'll live, than hold her in his arms when her body had gone cold and limp.
"Goodbye, Kimi," he said. Then he's gone.
He saved her. He brought color to her monochromatic life. And she did the same to him. They saved each other. She carried the weight of his world, as he did hers. She revealed herself to him, showed him who she really is inside and out. She's the one person he could fully trust and truly love. With her, he doesn't have to pretend. He listened to everything she had to say and he liked hearing her talk. When his sister died, he's been alone for so long, and then she found him. The way he found her when she's been living a lonely life without her family. They are all they have. She is his family and he is hers. And here he is, walking away from her. Fate had a cruel way of giving you what you need the most, just to take it away from you.
Give them to someone more deserving, he had said. As if.
She held everything in for his sake. Because she knew that if she started crying, she would only be giving him a harder time. But now that he's gone, the only thing that's been keeping her together, she finally lets it all go. The tears pour out without end and she sobbed and wailed and just screamed her heart out. She collapsed on her bed, burying her face in his pillow to breathe in the remainder of his scent and his warmth.
She froze, remembering something. In a split second, she was out of bed, wrapping a blanket around her as she ran for the door. But her hands felt far too weak to open it, and she couldn't do anything but helplessly rest her forehead against the door's cold surface and let her tears fall to the floor.
Unbeknownst to her, he was still on the other side of the door, with his forehead resting against it as well. His hand wound around the knob, wanting to go in and tell her the same thing she wanted to tell him.
I love you.
But it goes without saying.