How many steps needed to become a proper wizard?
Steve Rogers is a super committed guy. And that's the perfect attitude to dig into the Harry Potter book series. Only thing is, everyone in the Avengers tower gets involved.
I felt the need to let Steve become a Potterhead the right way - through books. And friends.
1.
«So... You watched the Potter movies with Darcy, right?»
«Mmh, yes and no».
«Straightforward answer, please, Steve. It's 8 AM on a Monday, and I'm not in the mood». Bruce could barely speak without his morning coffee (stupid habit which was all Tony's fault), let alone interpret Steve's vagueness.
Steve was buttering some bread while standing at the counter. «Well, she forced me to sit on the couch for, like, seven hours, but we got around to watch only three movies before she decided to stop. And there are seven of them, so I really don't know when we'll-»
«Eight!» someone yelled from the lounge room.
«What?» Steve asked, confused. It took him a good five seconds to realize that the voice belonged to a very sleepy Clint.
«Barton's right» Bruce said, sipping his coffee (the decoration on the white mug was ridiculous even for Stark's standards: a microscope with sunglasses and huge green letters saying "yo! science bro". And all the plain old mugs had been taken out of the cupboard one evening and never reappeared).
«Obviously!» Clint exclaimed as he hopped onto the counter. He reached for a bowl and the cereal box in the cupboard over his head, and grabbed a spoon from the drawer near his left leg. «Bruce, please, hand me the milk, will you?» Bruce opened the fridge and gave the carton to Clint, who poured a generous amount of milk in his bowl and started eating with a content expression.
«What was it about?» a puzzled Steve asked, sitting at the table with six slices of buttered bread on a plate.
«The movies. I said there are eight of them, not seven. The last book has been split in half for mere economical reasons».
«Hell, I wouldn't say money was the only thing involved! What about accuracy?» Tony had appeared in the doorway, his hair all sticking up on his head.
«Mpfh. No. Have you really seen the other movies, Stark? I don't think accuracy was ever really a concern of theirs!» Clint retorted.
«But you have to admit that a double movie was pretty necessary» Bruce cut in, looking pensive. «I mean, all that Deathly Hallows madness could never have been stuffed in just one movie!»
«Let's be honest, people. Adaptation still sucked». Clint hopped down the counter and put the bowl and the spoon into the sink.
«What sucked?» Natasha asked, entering the kitchen already dressed and a lot more lively than all the men combined. She grabbed a slice of bread from under Steve's nose, who glared at her and answered: «Harry Potter movies adaptation, apparently».
«Oh yes. Entertaining, great settings, but kinda awfully written», she mused. «But why were you talking about Harry Potter? 'Cause Stark here looks like James minus the spectacles?»
Bruce tried to suppress laughter by drinking some coffee, but had to be saved by Tony himself as he choked. «Why, thank you very much», Stark said, patting Bruce on the back. «But we were discussing Steve and Darcy...»
«Oh, right!» Nat's eyes widened and she turned to face Steve. «How did the marathon go?»
«We haven't watched all the movies, to be honest...» Steve answered shrugging, and put the empty plate into the sink.
«Yeah well, not a big loss actually», Darcy declared, entering the room while rubbing her eyes. She headed straight towards Clint, who handed her the cereal box and the milk. «I thought the movies would be the quickest way to let Steve catch up on Harry Potter, but for someone who's new to the whole thing they're... ugh». She poured some milk into a glass, then started eating cereals directly from the box. «But the first three are pretty good, to be honest, and not too spoiler-y, so we watched only those ones».
«But you still managed to complain every few scenes!» Steve said, laughing. «Those were really cool, come on. Visually grand, if you ask me. Though I haven't understood almost anything...»
«I assure you the other movies would have left you only more confused!» Clint said. Then he took the cereal box from Darcy, pointing at it and then at himself, muttering: "They're mine". She just stared at him, and announced: «That's why I decided that Steve will borrow Clint's Harry Potter books to read».
«What? No, hey. I don't want to!» Clint exclaimed, a hint of panic in his voice. «Why doesn't he take Thor's copies while he's in Asgard doing whatever it is he's doing?»
«Tsk tsk Clint. It's not polite, taking advantage of absent people's goods», Tony mocked him.
Clint crossed his arms on his chest and went out of the room, whispering "Resent and remember is my new life motto" in Darcy's direction, who huffed and followed him. Nat looked at her wrist watch and hurried through the door with a loud "Goodbye everyone!". Bruce put the mug into the sink, and then slowly looked up. He, Steve and Tony stared at one another for a couple of seconds, then Bruce yelled: «SCIENCE!», pushing Tony out of the door and running.
Steve looked at the door and then at the sink, half-shocked half-amused, and exclaimed: «Oh guys, I'm so NOT GONNA DO THE DISHES!»
2.
«So...» Clint leaned on the headboard of the couch near Steve's head. The latter was a bit startled, but as soon as he saw who the voice belonged to, he resumed reading.
«Ehy Clint. What's up?» Steve asked, his eyes still scanning the page.
The archer shrugged. «Not much, to be honest. Lazy afternoon. At least for me. But you seem to be enjoying yourself, don't you?»
«Mmh».
«And that's one of my Harry Potter books, am I right? Let me see». Clint peaked above Steve's shoulder to look at the volume in his lap. «Yep, that's Goblet of Fire! You liking it?»
«Just started it actually. And the first chapter is not fun at all. Creepy. Strange». Steve answered, turning a page.
«Oh, this book will haunt you at night, believe me!» Clint said, chuckling.
«Really?»
«No».
«Ah».
«I mean, it will be a piece of cake if you've got the guts, and is just thr-»
«What is it you want, Clint?» Steve asked, turning around at last to face the fellow Avenger, after having carefully tucked his left index between the pages as a bookmark. His brows were furrowed, but his eyes were not angry, just a bit exasperated.
«Ah. Um. Well, I was thinking, given that you're reading the fourth book now, maybe I could take the first three back?» There was hope in Clint's voice.
«Err...» Steve looked uncomfortable, probably due to the fact that he was trying hard to keep a straight face. The whole situation was exactly as Natasha had foreseen it. «You know that binge-reading's not my forte, plus I like to keep books I've just read with me for a bit, so I can...»
«Speak no more, my friend!» a voice resounded, announcing the arrival of Thor, who stepped into the room from the hallway. «Captain, you do not need to justify yourself in front of the marksman. You have complete right to take your time to savour those books. The bespectacled young wizard deserves all your attention!»
Steve smiled, acknowledged Thor's words with a nod and resumed reading. Clint was taken aback.
«Wait. What is that all about? And when did you come back from Asgard? You weren't even here, how do you know about the Potter thing? How do you know Harry Potter at all?» he asked, confusion on his face.
«Need I remind you that miss Lewis is my beloved Jane's friend? They gave me the complete book set as a gift last year», Thor answered, matter-of-factly.
«Ah, well, it makes sense. But still, what do you know about what's going on between me and Captain Slow-reader here?» Clint pointed with his hand at Steve, who scoffed.
«I was informed by doctor Banner about the whole thing. I've just returned to Midgard, and I have a mission here», Thor said, looking pointedly at Clint, who scratched the back of his head before starting to talk again.
«Okay well, I'll just stay here watching Steve rea-YIKES!» he screamed. Thor had tackled him all of a sudden and was dragging him away from the couch, pulling him by his waist. Clint tried to grab the headboard with his hands, but only managed to resemble a very dramatic toddler reaching for something unobtainable.
The archer desisted and crossed his arms on his chest. «So this was your mission? Rugby-ing me? Well, Steve», he said, stomping his feet on the floor so that Thor would stop walking, «remember this: I can be pretty violent towards people who mistreat my books. Especially those ones».
«Noted» Steve answered, before turning around to face Clint with a mischievous grin. «Just to know, what if I'd accidentally dropped coffee on it? There might have been a bit of a problem this morning in the kitchen...»
Steve almost fell from the couch laughing, while Thor chuckled and dragged a kicking and screaming Clint outside the room.
3.
«Um... just maybe try to regain your composure a bit, ok?» Nat said, with a sweet yet preoccupied tone. She was sitting on Steve's bed beside him, and was stroking his shoulder while he was sobbing.
When Nat had knocked on Steve's bedroom door to announce dinner was ready, she wasn't expecting to witness the Captain crying his heart out. She felt air leave her lungs, her brain rushing to thoughts of dead friends, her hands starting to shake... until she saw the thick book on the bed near Steve. Harry potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She had huffed and relaxed, mentally cursing Steve and herself - man, was it becoming that easy to get attached? But she had walked towards Steve, handing him the box of kleenex she had picked up from the drawer.
«I'm sorry! I know I look ridiculous, but Sirius just-» Steve couldn't finish the sentence, due to a shaky sob and a lot more tears.
«I know that it's painful, Steve. We all suffered because of that. And it's not fair. But you can't just stay here crying for Sirius Black while everyone's having dinner». Finding the right words to comfort Steve without dismissing his emotions wasn't easy. «It is your absolute right to mourn for the death of a beloved character... just try not to let it overwhelm you». Meh, she was the worst at this. She wished Bruce was here to talk to him.
However, Steve smiled feebly, trying to dry the tears away from his blotched cheeks. «Thank you, Natasha. I'll just sort this out and... er, sorry, I feel so stupid», he said, his shoulders sinking a bit.
«Don't». Nat answered with a big smile, standing up. «I'll just say you'll be ready in ten, that you were in the gym or whatever». Still smiling, she went out of the room, only to pop her head in again, a grin on her lips. «Just to let you know, Barton cried wildly for two whole hours after reading that part. He couldn't stop and I had to prepare him a cup of chamomile, even. And don't tell him I told you!»
4.
«WHAT THE FUCK? Unctuous shithead killed Dumbledore? What?!» Steve yelled, his palpable frustration filling the lounge room.
«Just wait for when he says he's the Prince! Ah. Uops», Tony said passing by, and quickly ducked to avoid the pillow thrown in his direction.
5.
«Umm... yuhuu?» Thor waved his hand in front of Steve's eyes, who was staring blankly into his cup of ice cream. «Is everything alright?» the god asked as soon as Steve snapped back into reality.
«Yeah, sorry, I- I was thinking about Harry Potter, y'know... The Forbidden Forest and all...», Steve answered somberly, and the other Avengers at the table nodded and hummed in response.
All but Tony, who snickered and said: «Oh, come on! A grown-up man should be able to cope with that!»
Bruce stretched his arm and smacked Tony's head, so that the spoonful of ice cream he was about to eat ended up on his nose. «Shut up, Tony. You wailed like a toddler because of that scene».
6.
«Everything's alright, sir?»
«Good question, Jarvis...» Steve was staring outside the window of the Avengers tower's lounge room, a cup of hot coffee in his hand. «I mean, it's been three months and I'm still here thinking about the dumbest name in all of fictional existence».
«I'm not sure I understand, sir» Jarvis answered.
Steve had started ranting nonetheless, his coffee forgotten. «You would expect Harry Potter to be kind of an intelligent guy, don't you? And his wife's Ginny Weasley, man!Did she have no saying on the matter? Come on! ALBUS SEVERUS! What the hell of a garbage name is that? "Oh yes, I'm gonna name my kid after bearded mysterious plotter and unctuous bullying jackass". High-five and bravo, Harry, such a great idea!» Steve's voice was becoming high-pitched. «Well, guess what, you forehead-damaged baboon? It's the most futzing idiotic thing ever! Amirite Jarvis, uh? Uh?»
Since no British-accented voice answered him, Steve turned around, only to find Tony and Bruce near the door looking at him, half-amused half-concerned.
«I don't think Jarvis is the right guy to have a chat with about Harry's lack of consideration for his third child», Tony said, pointing at the ceiling with a hand. «I think he stopped listening when you started yelling».
Steve's back stiffened. «You two heard me...»
Tony shrugged. «Yeah, well, we...»
«We totally agree with you», Bruce cut in, smiling, and Steve eyes brightened up. «That's a pretty common subject of discussion here. But we hadn't had someone so passionate about it since Barton and Natasha read the book for the first time».
Tony chuckled, and Steve felt relieved. «At least I'm not the only one ranting...»
«I assure you, the whole Potter fandom has something to say about it», Bruce added.
Steve put his mug on the table, and exhaled. «I mean, even Alastor Cedric would have been a better name!»
Tony yelped, and shook Bruce's shoulder. «Where's the chalkboard? Where is it?!» Bruce sighed and gestured towards a cupboard, amusement in his eyes. Steve was dumbfounded, and stared at a very gleeful Tony handing him a small board and chalks.
«Write down the name you said!», Tony exclaimed. The slate had been already written onto by different hands, some of which Steve recognised as the Avengers'. A list of names occupied half of the chalkboard, even if some of them were crossed out. It started with reasonable options like "Arthur Rubeus potter" and "Colin Neville Potter", but soon degenerated into masterpieces like "Dedalus Figg Potter" and "Crookshanks Dobby Potter". Steve laughed, took the chalk Tony was handing him, and wrote "Alastor Cedric Potter" under the last name listed.
Tony grabbed the slate from Steve's hands and hurried in the hallway. Bruce caught Steve's quizzical look and explained: «He's hanging it on the wall. After the book came out, it would hang there for like six months for everyone to write on it. Now I guess it's time to revive the tradition». Steve nodded, while Tony could be heard insulting a non-collaborative nail.
A blur of red hair appeared near the door. «Oh, chalkboard's out again! Ehy! I like the last name!»
«Thanks, Natasha!»
7.
«I hate you all, guys» Darcy exclaimed with a whiny voice. «Play Muggle Quidditch with the Avengers, they said. It'll be awesome, they said. HA!»
«Well, it has been pretty cool, right?» Tony cut in, smirking.
«I BROKE A LEG, YOU OBNOXIOUS TUNA CAN!»
Steve's journey through the books is kinda similar to mine (and everyone else's?). I totally relate to him - and to all the other Avengers.
Hope you enjoyed it! :)