The End of My Love Story
I look forward to his visit. Shan't be long now, dear. He'll come for me soon. When I have wept out all that is left of our love. Then he'll come.
He welcomes all. Rich, poor. Loved, hated. Ugly! … Beautiful, like you. It's all the same to him.
Truth. He sees us as we are. No masks, no hiding. Look in the mirror and see as he sees. No tricks!
I'll have escaped from the gawking stares at last. Alone. I am always alone. But this time, it will be peaceful.
You swore you would return! And you will. I have No doubt that you will. Hurry back, my little darling, my forever bride. The time will soon be upon me.
The well, my dear. Remember the well. My unmarked tomb. Do you remember waking there, with your head on my knee? Well, this time, I will not wake.
I am very weak, yet I can still remember. I can feel your lips gently pressed against my forehead. You will be the last thing my mind sees. And what a lovely sight!
Not that I care terribly; I've gotten used to suffering alone. But it would be such a comfort to have you here with me. Just the sound of your voice would soothe the throbbing pain in my temples. Yet I've always known I'll die alone. As alone as my life.
I pray that you have found happiness, my dear. All I want is for you to be pleased with your life. Forgive me, my little angel, please. Find it in your heart to not hate me for what I have done. I want nothing for myself any longer. Only joy for you.
You have no idea what it is like for me. God, it feels like a knife in my heart! My life is over. And in all that time half a century no one has ever said that they love me. Never has anyone comforted me in my pain. I have never been told that everything will be alright. Because it won't be.
My own mother loathed me. Feared me! I tried to be a good son, yet I could never please her. I lived locked in my bedroom. Until, of course, I just could no longer bear it and ran away.
Then, I lived locked in a cage. Dogs are treated better than I was. The world stared at me and laughed at my pain. My keepers beat me so hard that at times I could not move.
All my life, I searched for what I could never have love. No, not even love kindness. I needed someone to smile at me, to hold my hand when the pain became too much to bear.
I have seen so many things. I have traveled all over the world. Yet the most common, simple joys have been denied to me. Words such as "Good night," "How are you?" and "I've missed you" are foreign to me.
I am supposed to be so strong. I have no emotion. I am unhinged. A madman. I can't feel anything but anger, obsession, and hate. Well, that's what they all say.
But it isn't true. I am weak. Frightened. People can't picture me as a man who weeps, but I do. There are tears streaming down my face at this very moment. All the pain administered to me has not hardened me; it6 has made me vulnerable. Why won't anyone understand how hard it is? I don't want to hurt people, but it is the only way to survive in this life society has created for me.
I have never felt true security. But why? I did not start this cycle of hate. Man's fear of me did. But I was a baby! What harm could I possibly have done? It is far too late now. But couldn't someone have shown me kindness?
In my fantasies, you are here with me at the end. You have come back to soothe my fevered brow. You lovingly stroke my hollow cheek, forgetting my ugliness. With great care, you lift my frail body and gently force several mouthfuls of water past my parched lips. Your tender words are a great comfort to me. You make me feel so safe and warm… But these are only my fantasies.
And I am still alone. I am not the angel that you first thought me to be. No, not at all.
I am a mortal man, if not a monster. The angel is coming. The Angel of Death. I cannot blame you for not loving me. For it is difficult indeed to love a beast such as myself. Yet you kissed me! Oh, angel, you kissed me.
Thank you for that, dear. That one pure moment will ease me through the final agonizing hour, which is, at long last, upon me. Goodbye, angel. Goodbye, my living wife, who was never meant to be. Do not grieve I am free! But please, please! Do not forget. I will always watch over you. Your fallen angel will always watch over you. I will love you forever. I am eternally yours. Forgive me, darling, be happy, and good bye.
Aerida Flamegazer
September October 2006