A.N. - Trigger warnings! This includes things such as drug abuse, suicide, death, violence and self harming. If any of these trigger you, then please don't read this!

Grief is like having two lives. One where you 'pretend' everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain.

- Unknown

(I)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and wonders.

He wonders about college, about the pile of essays that were due, but he'll procrastinate doing until an hour before the deadline, about how well Kaneki's bookstore date with a pretty girl went, about how weird and vivid his dream was last night, about ghouls and fighting and death and Kaneki being stuck in the middle of all of it, being the cause of some of it.

(He also remembers dying in the dream, remembers the pain of being eaten in the dream, and how relieved he was it was Kaneki who was doing it in the dream.)

(But, don't worry. It's all just a dream.)

Other than that, his mind is blissfully empty, and he mindlessly gets ready for another day filled with boring college lectures on subjects that he kinda regrets choosing. He changes and has a shower, packs his bag for the day and then texts Kaneki (see: spam), asking about his date as he leaves the house, forgetting to mention that his dream was stemming from the fact that Kaneki's date was in fact a ghoul.

It was a weird dream anyway, but he plans to tell Kaneki about it when they have a coffee together in Anteiku, while he teases Kaneki about how badly the date probably went and flirts badly with the waitress, even though she really wasn't his type.

(He knows exactly what his type is, and it usually sits across him in a small homely cafe talking about the type of women he liked, and it hurt.)

He goes to a lecture (again), lunch and then a second lecture before he frowns and checks his phone, confused over the lack of response (again). Kaneki may not be glued to his phone like most of their generation was, like Hide was, but he always answered his phone, no questions asked.

The lack of response to the texts makes Hide worried.

(Not because it happened in his dream too, of course not. It was more the fact that Kaneki always responds so why wasn't he responding?)

It's not until he sits down later that night, watching the news of how two students have been crushed by steel bars in the industry estate of 20th Ward that he managed to build enough nerve to call the hospital (again), only to feel as if he had swallowed tar when he got confirmation that his friend was currently in a medicine induced coma to help with his recovery from an organ transplant operation, and he can't help but try and swallow it down and digest it when the nurse says over the phone that he isn't allowed to visit due to not being Kaneki's next in kin (again).

So he texts his best friend as much as he could get away with, making sure to give Kaneki the opportunity to pretend that he was sitting with him in what was probably a white bleak hospital room surrounded by hot nurses and doctors that were probably keeping the poor sod out. He makes sure to try and get good enough notes in their shared classes for his friend and visits his apartment often enough to make sure that the plants don't die in Kaneki's absence.

And if he was avoiding alleyways, dodging certain people in the street and avoiding a particular cafe, well, he wasn't telling anything to Kaneki.

At least, not yet, he reasoned with himself.

He means to bring it up when they were at Big Girls, but Kaneki's sudden illness took him by surprise, and he instantly forgot about it while he made sure that his friend was alright.

(He probably should have put more effort into remembering, because than he would have been that bit more prepared for what was to come.)

It takes a while for Kaneki to come back to college, but he waits (because he's good at waiting and because that's all he ever does is wait and maybe at this point he's too used to it to do anything about it).

When he next sees Kaneki, he gets the impression that something has changed between them, something irreversible, but, still, walking towards Nishio's place with Kaneki still a stride or two behind him, he couldn't place his finger on what was wrong between him and Kaneki, what was now keeping them apart after so many years being at each other's side.

He gets the impression he's forgetting something about Nishio, too, but he's getting that thought way too much lately, and he'll much rather ignore it for the events at hand.

Like, for example, walking in on Nishio and who Hide thinks is his girlfriend, or, well, he hopes is his girlfriend.

"Nagachika, I really don't like having my territory violated. Can't you knock? Where is your respect for your elders?" Hide blinked before bashfully rubbing the back of his head, hiding the way that a sickening feeling of déjà vu that slips and slides down his throat and settles uncomfortably in his stomach with a heavy weight.

"I-I'm sorry. There was no excuse-"

"You say your sorry, but you're speaking too loud and clear for that." Hide laughed at the reply, but nobody else seems to find the words funny like he does.

Then, Kaneki trips backwards in the most dramatic way as if he had come to a terrible realisation. Hide tries to ignore it, but it nags him like a grandmother during Christmas as they try and find the disk, but he can't help but get the feeling like he's missing something very important, and the feeling in his stomach gains a pound or two.

(Again.)

"It should be here." Nishio muttered as he went through a small pile of DVD's on his desk, a frown slowly growing on his face as it becomes more and more evident that it was not here, despite what he just said (again).

"Oi, Nagachika, look on that shelf behind you. It should be in a green case." Hide blinked and frowned (again), before doing as Nishio orders and flicking through the different cases lined up on the top shelf, vaguely aware of the fact that Kaneki had been ordered to help look through the pile on the floor (again).

(Again and again and again and agi-)

"It's not here. Do you really need it?" Hide turned his head from the shelf to look at the older man, cocking his head in guilt and smiling slightly.

"Yeah… If possible…" He replied, looking back down and quickly rummaging through the shelf again just in case he missed it.

There was something that he was missing, something that he couldn't quite reach, something that was on a top shelf and he was too short to reach.

"Oh. I think I took it home." Hide snapped his head to look at Nishio, hyper-aware of Kaneki's small (cute) frown at the words.

"What! Seriously!?"

The elder turned and smiled softly, but somehow it was almost predatory, and sends a shiver down Hide's spine, but it goes away after a second or two, making him able to smile back.

"Hey look, I'm sorry. I know it's a pain, but why don't you come with and pick it up from my place? Since you seem to be in quite a rush for it."

A cold shiver slid down his spine again, but this time it settled in his stomach, leaving him feeling sick and confused and anxious.

"Huh? Your place?" He asked, looking just beyond Nishio, staring at the small line of coffee placed upon the windowsill, hoping that he didn't notice the fact that he was avoiding eye contact.

"Where else? I might forget it if we don't go now." And as much as he wanted to argue with him, the reasoning was sound, and it would look weird now if he said that he didn't need it after spending so much time convincing him that he did in fact need the DVD to the point that they practically destroyed his flat looking for the blasted thing.

What a place he had been pushed into.

"Hmm… Okay…" Hide muttered underneath his breath, sneaking a glance at Kaneki, taking a note of his petrified face, almost smiling at the sight of it. Kaneki hated unplanned events like this, preferring have at least a week to make a powerpoint of things that could go wrong during the event and then planning for each and every outcome.

He probably didn't want to come along with Hide, much to his dismay, and he was probably exhausted anyway, still recovering from a kidney transplant from his dead girlfriend.

Yikes, it sounds wrong to put it so bluntly.

"Sorry, Kaneki. I've gotta go to Nishio's place. You can head home without me." Hide said, turning to smile at his best friend (and nothing more).

"Um, I was actually wondering if I could tag along with you guys?" He replied sheepishly, causing Hide to choke on his own saliva.

Kaneki want to… Socialise?

Oh god, did he think he was obliged to go now that he was here? He was like, always thinking that he had to do something because he was there, from helping teachers like the teacher's pet he was to walking a girl home from a bloody date just because he was a man and therefore it was his job.

And look where that got him.

He was too nice for his own good.

(To the point that he refused to take a bite, to eat like he wanted, to kis-)

Time to give him a way out, something that he'll take if he knows what's good for him.

"Dude, you're still recovering, why don't you go home and rest a bit?" Hide suggested, hoping that Kaneki took the hint and went home. He didn't want to drag him all over the world, especially this soon after the operation.

(Not the fact that he was a getting weird feeling about what might happen again.)

(Again?)

(Again.)

"I'm fine, I haven't been out in a while, so it would be a shame to go home now!" Kaneki smiled, rubbing his chin softly with his thumb.

Hide sighed before following Nishio out of the apartment with Kaneki trailing behind, his knuckles almost going white as he gripped his messenger bag.

After all, who was Hide to call out on his best friend lying to his face?

The walk was filled with light, if slightly awkward, conversation about Kaneki's interests within the college (or the lack of them) and the advantages of being on the committee. They picked up some fresh taiyaki, something that nishio seemed to love if the vivid imagery of what it tasted like was anything to go by. It wasn't that good, in Hide's opinion; it was slightly burnt and far too sweet for him.

Somehow, Hide wasn't surprised to find out that Nishio had no proper taste buds.

"Ok, so take a left here. We're not that far away now." Hide sighed at the news, but couldn't help but think something was wrong.

He was missing something.

It wasn't until he took that turning that he realised that his feeling was 110% correct.

"It's a dead end." He muttered, turning around to look at the others, confusion etched into his face.

His dream-

He had been through this before-

"Yep."

A well aimed kick to the side-

Flying into a pile of broken planks of wood-

An eruption of pain-

-a kiss on the lips, forceful and desperate. It didn't take long for the teeth to come out, to travel, to rip-

"Hide!" Hide whimpered at the sound of his name being screamed by his best friend, dazed from the hit by Nishio, the rubbish digging into his back in a way that was neither healthy nor hygienic. His body was screaming in pain, pulsing from his side, needles piercing from the back of his head to his eyes.

Maybe he should close them. It would hurt less that way, right?

The other two were talking again, arguing maybe? But, Kaneki didn't argue, went along with what people wanted, content with avoiding all conflict at all costs. He hated it with a passion, arguing and fighting and the pain it caused for everyone involved.

But then again, he was pretty sure he was in more pain than Kaneki could cause anyone, intentional or not.

Groaning, Hide went to move his head, or even any part of his body, before whimpering in pain as pulses of agony were sent coursing through his entire body. His head was pushed down by a heavy weight that pressed it against the wood hard enough to break the skin, his weak struggling seemingly doing nothing against the mighty force. He stopped struggling altogether in shock when a warm, lumpy and foul smelling liquid splattered across his face, surly mixing in with the blood.

He knew that Kaneki had a weak stomach, but c'mon man! Puking on your best friend because he's a little (a lot) banged up? Not cool.

"Phew, I feel better now I've got that out of my system! Look at the mess on your face Nagachika! Ha!" Nishio's voice seemed distant and…. Repetitive? As if watching a film for the second time and you're not too sure of the lines yet but you're catching on.

Catching on?

Catching on…

There's the sounds of fighting the background, of arguing and physical hits and all Hide can think of is the fact that it couldn't possibly be Kaneki because Kaneki is a wimp.

A big wimp.

The cutest and most beautiful wimp in the world.

Kanwimpy.

Hahaha.

He was going to die here.

(Again?)

(Again.)

(He's catching on…)

He opens his eyes and frowns when he sees Kaneki staring at him. His eyepatch is missing. His eye is black instead, but only his left one.

Oh.

There's a girl behind him, and he recognises her, but he doesn't have the heart to try and work out where he knows her. He's gonna die again anyway, it's not like it really matters anymore if he knew her or not.

(He's catching on…)

Kaneki's ass gets whipped by her, and Hide wonders why this doesn't surprise him. Nishio isn't in his line of sight, but that doesn't mean that he's not around. He merely blinks at her when she approaches and leans down to his eye level.

He's upset over the puke on his face. Now she got a bad impression.

She scoffs at him and stands.

He closes his eyes, causing the world to go dark, leaving him to listen to the sound of blood in his ears and the female muttering and the angry footsteps getting closer and closer, but none of them were an incentive to open his eyes again.

Thus, he doesn't see the kick that knocks a dent in his head.

(II)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and then rolls over.

It was only a dream.

Wasn't it?

(III)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and counts.

There's three cracks above him in the ceiling plaster, and five points at which the paint is peeling, and there's only one corner that is slightly damp, but the landlord doesn't care enough for it to be fixed and Hide was too lazy to argue about it, no matter what Kaneki said about it.

Kaneki…

The raid…

The sewers…

Nishio…

…

What a weird fucking dream.

Sitting up quickly, Hide rubbed his chin, feeling the soft, slightly spotty skin underneath his fingertips. His mind is buzzes with the weird moments from his dream, where most of the people he knew were ghouls, as he mindlessly got ready for another day filled with boring college lectures on subjects that he kinda regrets choosing. He changes (again) and has a shower (again), packs his bag for the day (again) and then texts Kaneki (again), asking about his date (again) as he leaves the house, making sure to leave out anything about his weird ass dream, not wanting to make his best friend stress more about things he couldn't control, like Hide dying in his dreams

Because there was no way that he was able to wake up again after dying or something.

(Again after again after again.)

That's just stupid.

(Right?)

He was being an idiot.

(Again.)

It's just some freaky dream.

(Again and again and again.)

It was just a dream.

He sighs as he puts his phone in his back pocket and places his hands into his coat pockets while breathing in the cold October air. For some reason, his mind refused to wander further than Kaneki or the dream, the two, very different, subjects refusing to be dislodged from his mind. He tensed his jaw tight as he hurried ahead, pushing his hands down in his pockets as his speed picked up and pushes as someone, small and thin in an unhealthy way, who was walking slowly, nattering away on their phone, moaning about their job and it's requirements.

The speed he was walking was unnecessary, almost as if he was trying to run away from someone. He wasn't going to be late for his lecture, in fact, he would be early by at least ten minutes at the rate he was going, but he couldn't find it in himself to slow down.

It was almost like he needed to run away from the subject, but it want like there was any threat from each subject. He didn't expect Kaneki to reply straight away (though it would be nice), and the dream was weird, sure, but it wasn't like there was anything to it.

It was a dream.

(Again.)

He slowed down his hurried pace to a steady stop at busy junction (again), cars speeding past (again), rushing towards their jobs (again). He sighed as he waited for a parting in the traffic, head shaking from side to side at almost breakneck speeds as he tracked each car as it raced pass.

It took a minute and thirty seven seconds before he gave up and decided to walk down the block some more, hoping that the longer walk to his lecture would not only clear his mind of the topics that would not go away and release some pent up energy he seemed to have.

(He's never done this before.)

It was not his usual route, much darker and more secluded. Unlike most of 20th ward, it was unwelcoming despite the brightness of daylight - not that Hide paid too much mind to the atmosphere, even if he did almost fall flat on his face when someone walked passed him at what seemed an impossible speed to maintain.

He had things to do, places to be, subjects to take his mind off of. He really didn't have the time to worry about the level of welcomeness he held in an area where he has grown his whole life. He started to tap his fingers on the top of his thigh as he took another turn, speed walking past each lamppost and building, paying no attention to what was going on around him, opening his phone to check the time, feeling self-conscious of how fast he was getting to college.

One moment, he's walking around a corner, engrossed in a new text from one of the people on the committee about the next meeting, his mind wandering towards the thought of hanging out with Nishiki, even though he couldn't possibly be a dangerous person like his dream suggested.

The next moment, there's a hand (kagune) at his throat, pulling him into an alley and up against a wall. Hide's eyes widen in fear as his hands weakly grasp for the one holding him up against the wall, his breathing coming to a stutter as he his airways were cut off from the long bony fingers that were wrapped around his neck.

He goes to dig his nails into the soft flesh beneath his hands to try and rip them away from his neck so he can breathe, when a second man approaches. Hide thinks nothing of it, more focused on trying to get the hand off of him, until a soft click echoes in his ear and cold metal touches his temple, a feeling of dread and horror rolling down his spine in the aftermath, like dropping a bucket of icy cold water over your head without any preparation or forewarning, leaving you cold and scared.

"Make a sound, or a movement that I didn't tell you to make, and the walls behind you will be painted with you, ever so nicely. Do you understand?" The new man, positioned in a way that his his face from Hide's view, muttered into his ear below the gun, as if they were some innocent secret that he didn't want spread around. Hide nodded vigorously as he attempted to swallow despite the current strangulation, continuing to hold the man's wrist but making a conscious effort not to fight against it.

He didn't want to die.

(again.)

He doesn't fight back when a third person, small and thin in an unhealthy way, approaches them and tugs the bag off of him and starting to rummage through, leaving Hide to only stare as the guy searches through his stuff quickly and efficiently, neatly piling up all the valuables (like his 7 year old laptop that was too slow to be of proper use) in a pile and everything they considered trash (his precious, precious coursework that he spent 3 all-nighters on) in another. Just behind the rummager is the exit of the alley way, not even 4 yards away from him.

He needed to get out of here. He needed a plan.

He didn't have the time to plan.

He needed to get out of here.

Looking forward at the man in front of him, Hide decided to go with a gamble. Relaxing and letting go of the man's hand, Hide giving him all of his weight, which wasn't much to begin with, forgetting that it came with the downside of being choked more than he currently wa, causing him to gag against the hand.

His bluff work though, as it caused both men to yell out in surprise with Hide's sudden movement, causing him to move forward with the unexpected weight.

Hide took advantage of the new position, grabbing hold of the man's arm again and lifting his leg as high and fats as he could, letting out a huff of air as his foot connected with the man's crown jewels, causing him to drop to the floor as the man decided his pain was his priority. Not wanting to let go of his sudden freedom, Hide pushed the man to the floor and tripped into a run, sprinting straight for the entrance, speeding past the guy that had been digging, taking a second to smile at the gobsmacked look that seemed etched onto his face.

The corner was only feet away now, so close from being back onto the street, in public view. He took a second to wonder what he was going to tell his professor about his coursework, though if the fire burning at his neck indicated anything, he doubted that he's teacher would call him a lia-

A single shot fired.

He jumped at the sudden sound, tripping over nothing and falling flat on to his face.

Not his proudest moment, by far.

"Did you think that you were going somewhere?" The voice, is from the second guy, and the only guy that Hide's actually heard talk now that he thought about it, was far behind him, so he scrambled to get up, grazing the palms of his hands as he searched for a grip on the ground below him. Just as he was getting onto his hands and knees, a heavy weight on his back forcing him to lose his balance and shoving back onto the floor, the rough tarmac pressing onto his soft skin and causing it to break.

There was a heavy sigh above him, before the man decided to take the weight off his back only to land a rough kick into his side, causing him close his eyes in pain and attempt to curl in to protect his vital organs.

"We're done here."

A second shot fired.

A pain from his back spreading to chest.

Ah...he was bleeding.

He was coughing. Coughing blood.

There's blood everywhere.

His blood's dyeing the streets red.

He wonders who's going to be doing the cleaning.

(IV)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and then rolls over.

It was only a dream.

(Again.)

(And again)

(and again.)

It was just a dream.

(V)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and lies to himself.

After all, it was only a weird ass dream (again).

(It's the fifth time he's had this thought, but it's not like he's counting or anything…)

(He thinks the same about the bullets that enter his chest, leaving five symmetrical holes behind.)

He quickly get outs of bed, forgoing his usual routine of checking his phone and liking all the photos that had been uploaded during the night and instead rushed to get ready for the day, despite not having anywhere to be at this time in the morning. He tapped the top of his thigh repeatedly as he brushed his teeth, forgoing his normal forty-minute-with-a-musical-number shower in favour of a quick rinse, the echoes of the dream still firmly lodged into his mind, almost screaming at him to do something about it.

It was a dream.

There was nothing he could do about it.

It was a dream.

None of it was real.

It was a dream…

(Just a dream?)

Looking up, Hide frowns into the mirror, soaking up every strand of hair that looked brighter than he remembered, every freckle that didn't seem to be there last time.

It didn't look right, almost as if the boy looking back at him wasn't him.

Slamming the toothbrush back into its cup, Hide left the bathroom in a hurry, the dream still haunting his mind in a way that it shouldn't (again). Picking up the first clothes he saw, Hide threw them on and went towards the door, picking up his key and leaving his apartment.

He needed to get the dream out of his mind.

A bike ride should help with that.

Taking two steps at a time, Hide hurried down the stairs, ignoring the strange look he gain from an elderly neighbour as he sped passed them at the entrance of the block. He had probably never been seen at this time of day so awake without a can of red bull or sweetened coffee in his hands.

Mmm. Red bull. What he wouldn't do for a can right about now.

Unlocking his bike, he quickly hopped onto it before racing down the street, unusually busy for this time of day, as if everyone had decided that they were going to go out to work that day, or had at least decided to commute via car, sticking to the roads to miss the pedestrians more engrossed in talking down their phones to watch their surroundings.

Hide was okay with that. It means that he has less time to think about the dream.

Maybe he should pick up a red bull. He was going to be really early to class at this rate, and he did deserve a reward for that.

-a small sip, a small thought, a small cough, a small choke, a large cho-

Then again, maybe not.

Stupid dream.

He slows to a stop as he approaches a junction, where none of the cars were slowing nor were they letting the other go, making it annoying for a poor cyclist like Hide to navigate. There are a couple of people lining the pavement where they want to cross, the traffic making it impossible for them to do so.

Sighing, Hide scanned the buildings, his line of sight following along a well-maintained path that wasn't used often.

If he went down it, it would take longer to get to get to the campus. But, he did need to get the stupid dream out of his mind. He goes to take the turning-

-hand tightly gripping his throat, no air escaping, no air entering, a whisper in his ear, a threat, an action-

A screech causes him to turn his head, eyes widening as they make contact with the man behind the wheel of the white van.

(VI)

When Hide wakes up (again), he stares at the ceiling, and then rolls over (again).

It was a dream.

Nothing was going to hurt him.

It was a dream.

No.

It was a nightmare.

(No.)

(This was the nightmare.)

(VII)

When Hide wakes up again, he stares at the ceiling, and thinks.

He thinks about the fact that this is definitely not the first time, the second time or even the third time (it's the seventh time) that he's woken on the same bed on the same time with the same dream. He thinks about the fact that his dream couldn't be a dream, not really, because there was no way that this was able to be a dream, as the pain was too real and it was too vivid and too well put together for a dream.

He was well and truly fucked.

A.N. - Here's my submission for the Hide Big Bang, and the reason as to why i haven't been around in the last couple of months, other than exams of course. Yellow will be updated in the next couple of days, as well as a couple of oneshots I have been working on. If you want to see some amazing art for this fic or other work that was submitted for this bang, then go onto my tumblr skiewrites. If you have enjoyed this fic, keep an eye out for an update in the next couple of days and comment below!