The painful secret
The painful secret.
Intro
"Maddie you getting up?" my roommate jean yelled. I groaned and rolled over.
"No!" I yelled hoarsely though I felt a lot of pain in the back of my throat.
"Ok, that's it." I heard jean yell as she stomped up the stairs, she barraged into the room.
"I'm calling a doctor." She grabbed the phone off the bedside table.
"No." I groaned. "No doctor please." i hated doctors not just the idea of seeing them but the idea of having some random tell you what you already know
"Urgh fine but Maddie tomorrow if you're not better you're seeing a doctor!" jean said throwing the phone back down.
I nodded jean smiled at me as she grabbed her school bag.
"Call me if you feel worse." She called back as she left the room.
I rolled over and curled up into a protective ball before falling asleep. I was suddenly woken by the sound of footsteps I'm sure it wasn't jean she was still at class. great this was all i needed someone had broken into our dorm, how was that possible i would have heard something surely. glass breaking or someone kicking open the door.
I sat up pulling the covers tighter around me. I grabbed the phone and held it tightly. I held my breath as the door opened.
"Ah hi…" a man in a brown pinstriped suit said as he gazed at me.
"Who the hell are you?" I asked.
"I'm the doctor."
so jean did called a doctor i'll kill her when she got in.
Oh, I'm sorry but I'm really fine so my friend wasted your time you can go now." I said a little sharper then I intended.
"Are you sick?" he asked me gazing at me softly.
"Umm no but my roommate thinks I am so that's why she called you." I said looking very confused. I gulped to stop myself hacking up my lung.
"Ah well you see I'm not that kind of doctor my name is the doctor."
I groaned rubbing my head. "I'm so confused." I muttered.
how could he be called the doctor.
"well I can be a normal doctor because I'm brilliant I guess you could say I can be anything well I can be an member of any job I can't be a different species well I don't know I could be I'd have regenerate first that would be interesting I could be a lama or something they are such a great animal." He rambled on. I groaned again and kneaded my forehead.
"You ok?" he stopped his ramble and looked at me.
"Hmmm yeah." I lied. My head felt like a lead weight my chest was on fire my nose was runny and blocked my throat hurt. The list went on.
"You don't look ok." He said matter-of-factly.
"Gee thanks." I said throwing him my best I am not amused look.
"Do you want me to take a look?" he asked softly.
I thought about it for a moment. Then nodded slowly. Before regretting it.
"Ok." He walked over and perched himself on the edge of the bed. I sat and stared at him. He smiled at me, as he dug around in his pockets. He pulled out everything a doctor would normally carry around only in a bag not in there pockets.
"Ok. Do you mind lifting up you're shirt?" He asked. I felt too crappy to argue. So I lifted it up. He told me to take deep breaths through my mouth he listened at the front then at the back.
"Ok that's great, now open wide." I allowed my t-shirt to fall down. I opened my mouth. He shone a light into my throat and hummed slightly. He removed the light and I shut my mouth. He placed his hand on my forehead. "You've got a slight fever."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out an odd looking item.
"What's that?" I asked shuffling back slightly. He placed a hand on my leg to stop me moving.
"A sonic screwdriver."
"No seriously."
"It is I'm just going to scan you to make sure it's just the flu."
"I really don't like the sound of that."
"It won't hurt."
I nodded.
"Just lie back and relax."
He scanned my body and it beeped slightly.
"Why is it beeping?"
"It's storing what its finds. We'll go back to the TARDIS and check the results."
I sat up slowly. "What is the TARDIS?"
"Oh it's my ship don't worry."
"You're ship hang on please explain."
"I'm an alien well a time lord and I'm good and I'm going to take care of you."
He placed the screwdriver back into his jacket placed everything back into his pockets and stood up.
"Come on then." He said grinning.
"Where we going?" I asked throwing back the covers revelling long red PJ's.
"The TARDIS."
I stood swayed and fell over he caught me before I hurt myself.
"Don't worry I'll carry you."
Once inside the TARDIS which just looked like a big blue box he took me to the med bay. He placed me on a bed and inserted the screwdriver into the machine. He hummed. Then to my horror gasped. I sat up and looked at him.
"What's wrong is there something wrong with the results."
"We need to talk!" he said as he turned to face me.
Chapter one: I'm fine.
"What's wrong?" I asked again.
The doctor walked over to me and forced me to lie down.
"Doctor what's going on?"
He grabbed my left arm and shoved the sleeve up. He sighed and grabbed my other arm. Before I could stop him. He shoved the sleeve up and waved my arm in my face.
"This! It's funny how a girl who has no pets has got so many deep cuts on your forearm and wrist. Care to explain?"
"I…. I… what do you care? Do you know me? Why did you even show up at my house anyway?"
"I care because jean asked me too yes I know jean because there was an incident with a broomstick. She asked me to look after you. She's worried she cares and I care because no-one should self harm."
"I'm not self harming. "
"What are you doing then, playing with razors?"
"It's called coping."i said through gritted teeth i was going to kill jean, why des everyone have to get involved with the way i cope with life.
"Jean had a feeling you were doing this, so she asked me to take you on as a patient of sorts. You will be ok and you'll eat and you'll stop cutting." now this guy was starting to annoy me i wasn't a baby i could look aftermyself.
"Stop it! Just stop it! I don't want you to help. I'm fine!"
"You're not Maddie you're not!"
"I'm fine!!" I screamed. Though my throat burned
"How can this be fine? Please explain."
The pounding in my head grew again. I groaned and pushed my head back into the coolness of the pillow trying to get some relief from the pain. The doctor dropped my hand. I allowed it to flop down to the bed.
"Does you're head still hurt?"
"Yeah."
"Maddie we still need to talk about you're cutting problem."
I groaned again. "Just stop talking about it." I said softly.
"Maddie jean asked me to do this. I'm sorry she wants you to be back to you're self."
"This is stupid I shouldn't have come with you. I'm going." I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. The doctor reached out to stop me. I pulled away and wobbled towards the door once there I lent up against the door frame and took deep breaths in and tried to lift the dizziness. The doctor was next to me. He took my arm and I pulled away.
"I'm fine leave me alone."
"Please just let me take care of you."
I pulled away and continued to walk further away from him. I paused to cough before taking sharp breaths. I felt awful my head was spin and pounding my chest was on fire I felt sick, but I was too scared to face up to my own problem. I couldn't walk much further so I allowed myself to slip down and held my head in my hands. A few tears slipped down my cheeks and into my cupped hands. I was angry at myself and at jean. It was her fault she'd called this doctor. I soon heard the doctor's footsteps, I forced myself up and I wiped my eyes and began to walk, there was fog creeping into my mind. My stomach flipped I swallowed and prayed I wasn't going to throw up. I wanted to get as far away from the doctor as possible but he was really close. I felt his hand brush my shoulder. I moved faster, stumbling as I went. Tears threatened to fall again. I couldn't let them fall. Not in front of him it was a sign of weakness. I found my way towards the door lending I hoped back to my dorm. I pushed against it. It wouldn't open. I pulled at it nothing happened.
"Oh come on!" I said aloud. I pulled and pushed a little more before giving up. I sank down. I watched as the doctor headed towards the door where I was sitting. I rubbed my arm over the cuts hoping to get some form of pain. The doctor sat next to me. He took my hands.
"Don't do that." He said softly.
I looked up trying to stop teats flowing.
"Come on lets go back to the med bay I'll give you something for that nasty flu bug. Then we'll start on that nasty little habit you've got there." I couldn't hold back the tears fell and before I knew it I was sobbing. The doctor pulled me into a hug as I sobbed into his shirt.
"Shush. There, there it's fine." He soothed. I soon stopped crying. The doctor helped me to my feet. I lend against him heavily. I was feeling a little worse for wear. The doctor helped me back towards the med bay. He helped me onto the nearest bed and I lay there staring at my mutilated arm. The doctor had his back to me he was pulling bottles out a cupboard just above his head. He turned around with a tray. On the tray was a needle, bandages, antiseptic wipes, stitches and a pair of gloves.
"Stitches?" I ask eyeing the tray.
"You see this one here." He said putting on the gloves and tracing the longest and deepest cut gently.
"Yeah."
"It's too deep to heal on its own. I'll only put in a few stitches and I'll take them out in a few days."
"A few days?"
"You're staying here. Jean asked me to keep and eye on you till you stop, so you're stuck here. Sorry." He said softly.
"Do I not get a say in this?" I asked.
"sorry no jean knows you'd never see a normal doctor so since I owed her a favour she called me, she said she thought you were hurting yourself you hadn't been out of bed for a few days and you weren't eating as much, she put the latter two down to the flu but she didn't know how to handle the first one. So she called me hoping I'd be able to help. Now small scratch come up." He held the needled just above my arm.
"Stop a sec."
"Don't tell me phobia of needles."
I blushed and nodded.
"I'll be gentle just look away."
"Can I have my mp 3 player to take my mind of this please?"
The doctor dropped the needle back onto the tray.
"Sure I'll go get it the TARDIS moved all your stuff here." The doctor got up and left the room. I tried to sit up but found I couldn't it was like an invisible force was holding me down. The doctor soon returned. He noticed I was struggling.
"best just to lie still it's just there to stop you running off till I've cleaned you up and we've talked I wont know what to do to treat you."
"Ok can I have my mp 3 player?"
"Sure sit up."
I found I could.this confused me but i didn't ask anymore I took the mp 3 player off the doctor and placed my headphones over my ears. I lay back down and tried to focus on the music. I felt a sharp pain in my arm it wasn't long before it became numb.
Chapter two: talks and the ground rules.
The doctor tapped me on the shoulder I raised my arm and saw it was bandaged. I turned off my mp3 player and pulled my headphones off. I looked at the doctor. He flashed me a grin as he cleaned up. Once he was done he sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Now we need to talk."
"About?"
"You know what about. First how are you feeling?"
"A bit under the weather, but it's just a head cold."
"Well it's a bit more then that, mild flu, you just need some food, rest and fluids do you want something for the pain?"
"No I'm fine it's passing."
"Ok then we should talk. Please answer my questions honestly. If you lie to me you'll stay here longer."
"Ok."
"How long have you been cutting?"
"About 4 years."
"And how bad has it been in the past?"
"Mild a bit of blood drawn didn't get bad till about 6 months ago."
"Why do you do it?"
"Stress mostly and life getting on top of me."
"How come you're not eating?"
"Been feeling ill for about a week and I umm suffered from bulimia when I was 16."
"Have you had a relapse?"
"No. I've been ok with food."
The doctor nodded.
"Does anyone know?"
"About the cutting no."
"Will you tell them?"
"No!"
"Do you want to stop?"
"No."
"Why is that?"
I felt tears rise again.
"I umm I can't deal with the emotional pain….it's too much ….to bear."
"So physically is better?"
"Yeah because." I gulped "…once you've cut you can clean it up and the pain can be dealt with."
"How much do you weight?"
"I'm 8 stone."
"And you're 5 foot 3?"
"Yeah that's right."
"You're BMI is underweight."
"Oh."
"Don't worry it's the flu making your weight low. When you feel ill you don't really want to eat. Now the thing you're going to hate. How do we treat you?"
"I don't know I'm not sure I'm worth it."
"Jean wouldn't have asked me if she didn't think you were worth it. "
"So what are you going to do?"
"Well you can stay in my room so I can keep and eye on you. Bed rest for a few days then I'll try you on alternative methods now I need to search you're stuff I want to take all blades away from you?"
"Just blades?"
"All sharp objects."
"Then what?"
"You'll have the urge to cut so I'll have to help you if you slip up I'll clean you up and remove privileges. This hopefully will put you off."
"Privileges?"
"Privacy to start with you can shower bathe and use the toilet on your own. You can also keep all your items with you. You can also have the privacy of keeping your journal private. You can visit the gym and sauna. You can have time to yourself. Rewards every week you make it through a month you will have a treat. If you cut and you tell me and explain why you will have one privilege removed and one extra day added to how long you stay here. If you cut and don't tell me you'll have 2 privaliges removed and a week added to how long you stay."
I said there staring at the him.
"I bet this is how they feel in the pysch ward."
"It's for your own good."
I sighed. "How long?"
"A year to start with and we'll add on as needs be."
"Fine." I pushed my head back into the pillow. Looking up at the white ceiling. I moved my bandaged arm towards my clean arm I rubbed the undamaged arm with the other one. Before I knew it I was pulling at the skin. Tears flowing think and fast the doctor grabbed both my arms and held them tight as I cried.
"I can't stay here." I cried.
"You have to!"
I cried harder. The doctor pulled me towards him. He held me as I cried. Once I stopped he didn't let go. I glanced at my left arm to see red skin.
"What do I lose?"
"Being left on your own apart from using the bathroom."
"Fair enough. So one year do I get a tour?" I ask. The doctor smiled.
"You will soon enough but until then you need to get better. I can show you where you'll be sleeping if you want."
"Yeah ok. Sounds good." I sat up slowly groaning as the pounding returned.
"Ok back you go." He pushed me back down. "You're clearly in pain. I'm going to give you something." He rolled my sleeve up again and grabbed a clean needle and filled it with a clear fluid. I gulped and turned away. The doctor pushed the needle in and I hissed.
"sorry." He said gently. Once the fluid was in I felt much better. I slowly sat up and slipped off the bed. The doctor placed his hand on my elbow and guided me out of the med bay. We walked down the corridor and the doctor guided me to one room on the left. The room had a huge king size bed in the middle of it with a bookcase and a chair in it. It was pretty basic. There was a sleeping bag on the floor rolled up neatly. I pulled away from the doctor and wobbled over to the sleeping bag; I flopped down next to it and began to unroll it.
"What do you think you're doing?" he asked.
"Making up my bed." I said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"No you're not because that's you're bed." He said pointing to the king size bed.
"No I'm fine with the sleeping bag honest."
He glared at me.
"Will you just do as you're told?" He said taking my hand and pulling me gently onto the bed. He walked around to the other side and opened it. I rolled over and slipped into the bed.
"Now I better tell you something."
I looked at him.
"I'm not being sick or anything but every morning and every night I need you too wear a crop top and shorts so I can check for new cuts. If there isn't any sign of them in 3 month I'll just scan you with the sonic screwdriver after two months I'll check every week. After 3 months I'll check every two weeks. After 4 months every three week until we reach a year, again cutting will mean we got back to checking everyday."
I sighed.
"And the humiliation never ends."
"I'm not doing this to humiliate you I'm doing it to help you stop cutting."
"Can I sleep now?"
"Of course you can."
"Will you be there?"
"I'm gonna stay right here."
I nodded before pulling the covers up tighter around me and allowing sleep to take me.
Chapter three: I can't do this.
I was awoken by the sound of the someone opening and closing drawers.
I rolled over and opened my eyes slowly. I watched as the doctor looked at me stuff bit by bit. He had my phone in his hand. He pulled the back of it off I and placed the back into a box, he looked over at me.
"Ah you're awake."
I smiled.
"What you doing?"
"I'm removing all sharp objects like I told you I would. "
"How many you found?"
"10 items you can hurt yourself with."
"Ok. Do I ever get them back?"
"After 6 months you do."
I nodded slightly. Before feeling the familiar tickle of a coughing fit arriving I swallowed before breaking into a coughing fit. Once it had stopped I flopped backwards into the soft white pillows. The doctor sat next to me.
"You ok?"
"yeah." I said softly. "My throat and chest hurt a little."
"Don't worry it'll fade soon. How about something to eat."
"I'll try."
The doctor smiled. He handed me my phone and grabbed the box before leaving the room.
I slipped the battery out of my phone and out fell a blade taken from a pencil sharpener. I held it in my hand. I took a few deep breaths. Before slowly moving it to my arm. I took a few more breaths and heard the doctor heading towards the room a few tears slipped down my cheeks if he caught me I'd be stuck with him longer. I noticed there was an en suite so I hurried into there dizziness returning I locked the door and unwrapped the bandages around my arm I used the blade to create a few more cuts small enough to spell out on my wrist and forearm ' I can't do this.' I heard the doctor return.
"Maddie you in the bathroom?"
"Yeah I'll be out in a sec." I covered the cuts back up and flushed the bloody tissue down the toilet I washed the blood of my hands and stepped out of the bathroom, the doctor was sitting on the bed.
"You look tense." He said." How come you're fist our clenched you ok?"
"Oh umm yeah I'm fine I'm just feeling a little worse for wear."
"Ok come and lie down I've made you some…. Is that blood?"
I felt a wetness on my hand the blade had cut into my hand blood dripped onto the floor. I opened my hand and allowed the blade caked in blood to drop to the ground.
"No!" the doctor yelled. "A blade you hid a blade. Where did you hide it have you cut?"
"Behind the battery in my phone."
I spoke in a broken voice.
"Maddie have you cut?"
I said nothing I place my arm behind my back. "Maddie answer me." He yelled.
"yes." Tears flowed again. "I failed. I cut. I took this blade and I sliced my skin open I'm bleeding and I think I need more stitches and I wont stop. I wont get better so there's no point trying so just take me home. "I yelled coughing once I was done. The doctor stood up and walked over to me. He grabbed my shoulders and looked at me.
"I wont give up on you. You will get better. Jean asked me to help you so I will you can't keep doing this. Let me see."
I pulled the bandage off and showed him the words carved into my skin. The doctor took my hand in his he stared at the words.
"Maddie why do you do this to yourself you could stop if you try it's not hard. Please give me a chance to help you please." He begged me. I looked up and him.
"Read my arm."
"Maddie stop it."
"Stop what stop being me, look I've tried to stop cutting but I can't."
"Maybe because you were on your own you're not on your own anymore."
"Can we start again please?"
The doctor grinned.
"Yes, but I can't leave you on your own. I'll allow you to use the bathroom on your own but other times you must stay with me."
I nodded.
"Now I think you need a sleep."
I nodded again and climbed into bed, the doctor tucked me in before grabbing a book of the bedside table. I shut my eyes slowly and I allowed sleep to take me,
It wasn't long before I awoke again I noticed my arm was covered again. The doctor wasn't in the room. I slipped out of bed and opened the wardrobes to see all my clothes were there I slipped into fresh underwear and my black shirt my red top with my black and red arm warmers. I shut the wardrobe and collected my clothes I found a basket for washing in the corner I headed towards the door. I saw a note taped to the door it read.
Maddie
I'm making some food meet in the kitchen if you wake before I come back.
Love the doctor.
I wandered out into the hallway and headed in the direction I thought the kitchen was in, I soon arrived in the kitchen the doctor was setting the small table. He looked up as I broke into a coughing fit.
"You've changed." He said noticing my clothes.
"yep." I said as I flopped down in a chair.
"I've made chicken pasta."
"Sounds good."
The doctor set about placing the food on a plate, he place one in front of me, and I picked up my fork and slowly ate. The doctor grinned at me.
He too began eating.
"Can I ask you something?"
"sure." He said
"How come you want to make sure I eat? I suffered from bulimia."
"Just to make sure you won't do anything stupid."
I nodded and continued eating. It was nice having someone who cared for me.
Chapter 4: elastic bands.
I had been with the doctor over a month my flu had cleared up but I was still being watched by the doctor. My cuts had healed and had scared yet I was still I was having urges, but the doctor said he couldn't give me anything to help with them until my cuts had healed. I wandered into a small room I loved to be in when I could escape from the doctor. The room had a cd player and bed music settled me. The doctor would always lecture me once I reappeared. He would force me to change into the crop top and shorts to see if I had cut, I played a bit of music then settled onto the bed. 30 minutes later I returned to the room me and the doctor shared he was sitting on the bed looking livid. I sighed before grabbing the crop top and shorts off the chair I headed towards the bathroom and shut the door. I changed into the crop top and shorts before walking out. The doctor looked up at me and nodded meaning he was happy that I hadn't cut but he still looked annoyed and changed back into my black jeans and red shirt. I stood in front of him, he gazed at me.
"Something wrong?"
"YES." He yelled.
"No need to yell."
"Sorry want to explain to me where you've been running off to."
"just to be on my own."
"what have you been doing?"
"just thinking is that a crime now."
"about?"
"the urges I need to be on my own so they'll go away."
The doctor nodded.
"I've got you're first alternative method."
He handed me a red elastic band.
"I've heard of this method every time I get the urge I flick it." I said flicking the band against my wrist it hurt and I felt such a relief. I sighed softly.
"now that's better you still have to stay with me for now can you please stop running off."
I sighed.
"yes sir."
"come on you, lunchtime."
I sighed and followed the doctor to the kitchen grabbing my mp3 player I knew lunch with the doctor would lead to him trying to get me to open up to him. I clicked play and waited for a random song to start playing a song poured out of the headphones. I hummed along to it the doctor sat down at the table and handed me a sandwich I flicked my wrist with the band and began to eat. The doctor stared at me as I ate slowly. He spoke but I only saw his lips move. I removed my headphones.
"sorry say that again?"
"I'm taking you to see a therapist tomorrow."
"what??"
"Maddie you heard."
"but why I'm not cutting anymore!"
"yes true but you're not talking about anything you don't even come to me if you have an urge."
"so you think I'm just going to talk to a shrink do you?"
"well she might help you more than me."
"this is what you and jean planned get me to stop for a bit then send me to a pysch ward because I've stopped are you too scared you wont be able to look after me if I have a slip up. So you want to dump me in some hospital." I stood up moving over towards the skin.
The doctor stood too, in the sink was a bred knife It was only small but the blade looked sharp. I picked it up and held it behind my back.
"Maddie that's not true I just want to get you some real help."
"well I don't want help I didn't want yours I was fine on my own."
"Maddie cutting yourself isn't good it's not fine."
"no shit Sherlock but its my way of coping with life so you shouldn't take that away from me."
"Maddie please can we talk?"
"no you see this." I showed him the knife he looked panicked. "I'm going to show you a slip up." I ran as fast as I could out of the kitchen and into the room we shared I locked the door just to hear the doctor hit it.
"Maddie open this door now."
I moved as much stuff as I could in front of the door before running into the bathroom I locked that and placed the chair that was in the corner up against the handle I took a few deep breaths and sliced my arm with the knife I pressed harder and harder loving the feeling of warm crimson blood flow over my hand. My vision was blurring when I heard the doctor banged on the bathroom door. The last thing I saw before blacking out was the doctors shocked face.
Chapter 5: talks in the med bay.
My vision cleared as the darkness lifted my head felt heavy I groaned at the pain coming from it. I slowly opened my eyes and noticed I was once again in the med bay. I jumped as I remembered what I'd done I was done for now. I tried to move from the bed and noticed I couldn't my arms and legs wear tied to the bed and an invisible force was holding down my torso and head. I fought against the binds and gasped as my cut arm rubbed against them. I gave up and glanced at my arm an iv was feeding blood into my arm. My wrist was bandaged up. There was a computer next to my bed that was recording everything from blood sugar to the number of red blood cells I had in my body. I moved my legs to try and broke the binds on came and I was deafened by the sound of a wailing alarm. The doctor ran in he looked at my free leg and bound it back to the bed. He looked down at me and sat on the bed.
"well Maddie I think the theorpist is defiantly on the menu for tomorrow."
"no."
"Maddie you have no option."
"I wont go."
"I'll carry you. If I have to."
"I'll kick and scream."
"then she'll come to you."
"no."
"Maddie you either go see her or she comes here."
"I choose neither I'm not seeing a shrink."
"Maddie you just cut yourself to the point where you nearly bled to death."
"so."
"oh yeah smart think to say pull the suicidal card yeah that totally wont make me take you to see the therapist."
"I'm not seeing her just drop it."
"I wont Maddie you're going to be with me for a very long time."
"what 11 months and 1 week yeah ages." I rolled my eyes at him.
"try two years."
"what??"
"you'll be with me for 1 year 11months and 1 week."
"I don't think so."
"Maddie jean rang today to see how you are she said if you come back and you cut she'll take you to the pysch ward."
I gulped.
"why two years?"
"well since that little episode I've taken the privilege of having you're journal private so I read it."
"you did what."
"I read you're journal you're very clever you've been cutting."
"no I haven't?"
"you have on you're ankles and hips."
"I haven't."
The doctor pulled the lining of my skirt down slightly to show a large red mark he then pulled my leggings up off my ankles.
"ok so I am."
"well I'm upping the checking process. You'll changing into the crop top and shorts but you'll go barefoot and I'll scan you with the sonic screwdriver."
I allowed a tear to flow down my face.
"Maddie I'm sorry but you need help."
"untie me please."
"I can't."
"why can't you?"
"you might pull the iv out."
"I wont."
The doctor looked at me and untied me I sat up and put my head in my hands before sobbing. The doctor pulled me into a hug.
"please don't make me see the shrink tomorrow."
"Maddie she can help you."
"she can't please don't do it."
"ok I'll give you a month if you haven't improved or if you haven't spoken to me about it then you'll see her."
I nodded.
"now I want you to talk to me when you have an urge don't cut and I want you to answer my questions honestly."
"ok!"
"what have you been cutting with?"
"this I took a shard of glass out of my skirt pocket." The doctor took it off me.
"why don't you talk to me?"
"I don't want to burden you."
"you wont I promise just come and find me if you have an urge we can talk about it.
I nodded, my phone started to ring in my pocket I slipped it out and saw it was jean.
"hello."
"hey Maddie how you doing?"
"I've been better."
"I'm sorry for doing this."
"why jean, why did you do it?"
"because I'm worried about you. You seem so stressed lately."
"Jan I'm doing a course in pysch of course I'm going to be stressed."
"but why do you cut?"
"because it helps with stress."
"Maddie how?"
"because it just does its called coping!!"
"Maddie is the doctor helping you?"
"he's trying."
"let him help you, you wont get any better."
"I can't."
"you can."
"I'm not going to open up to someone I don't know very well."
"you've been with him a month."
"I need to come home."
"you will soon Maddie. Does he know?"
"know about what?"
"the baby."
"no."'
"will you tell him."
I looked over at the doctor he was checking the blood.
"I can't."
"he'll notice you're what nearly 3 months."
"okay I'll tell him. "
"good girl anyway I got to go to class love you bye."
I look over at the doctor and he came over to me.
"was that jean?"
"yeah."
"what can't you tell me."
"I'm.. I'm having a baby."
The doctor looked shocked.
"but how you're so young."
"collage party someone slipped something in my drink I passed out I wake up in my own bed with no clothes on I missed my period and found I was 1 month gone I'm nearly 3 months now.
"oh Maddie." He said gently as he removed the iv
"do you want this baby."
I rubbed my hand over my stomach.
"yes."
Suddenly my stomach erupted in pain I screamed.
"the baby." I gasped the doctor placed his hands on my stomach and felt gentle then it came the warm feeling of blood.
"I'm bleeding I'm losing it."
The doctor ran to the control room and the TARDIS gave a lurch, soon it stopped at the doctor was back he scooped me up and ran out of the TARDIS, he ran into a hospital and screamed.
"help her she's losing her baby."
Cats hurried over, I gave the doctor a confused look before I was whisked away.
"please save my baby." I begged.
"we'll do what we can just relax." A nurse cat said
We reached a room and inside a human doctor were waiting, she looked at me and said.
"I'll do what I can."
I didn't reply I blacked out due to pain.
Chapter 6: the razors edge
I awoke to the soft beeping of heart monitor I was lying in a soft bed I had oxygen mask over my mouth and nose. I look around I was in a private room a nurse cat was sitting next to me. She saw I was awake.
"I'm sorry petal but the baby died."
Sobs wracked my body.
"can I call anyone for you?"
I pulled the mask off
"the man who brought me in can you get him."
She nodded and left the room I noticed there was a scalpel next to the bed I picked it up just as the doctor walked in the room. He slowly took it out of my hand as I cried.
"I lost it!" I sobbed.
"oh Maddie."
He held me close dropping the scalpel onto the floor I felt empty my baby was dead even though it was the product of a rape I still loved it. It didn't deserve to die.
"can we go back to the TARDIS."
"Soon sweetheart soon."
The nurse returned.
"how are you feeling petal?"
"I think I'm ok."
"we're sorry about you're baby but you're still young."
I nodded.
"when can I leave."
"soon I just want a doctor to come and check on you."
I nodded the doctor took my hand and held it. It wasn't long before a doctor walked in she flashed me a smile.
"hello Maddie, how you feeling?"
"Ok I guess."
"well the nurse tells me you want to go home."
"please."
"well I'm not happy with you leaving since you could still bleed out."
"please I hate hospital."
"Maddie if the doctor says you should stay maybe you should."
"I promise I'll come back If I bleed."
"Maddie I think it would be best to stay just for the night."
"I want a discharge sheet."
"ok I can't do anything to stop you but it's against my better judgement."
The female doctor left the room. The doctor looked at me and said.
"Maddie this isn't safe you could die!"
"just like my baby." I said softly.
The nurse came in with a form I signed it and asked the doctor to leave I changed and walked out of the room. The doctor was waiting with a wheelchair.
"come on then you."
I sat down in it and the doctor took me back to the TARDIS. He wheeled me to our room. I climbed onto the bed and curled up in a ball, the doctor rubbed my back softly.
"get some rest."
I didn't say anything I just allowed silent tears to flow down my face.
The doctor left the room, I grabbed my mp 3 player from the bedside table.
I played halo . the song brought tears to my eyes I wanted the baby so badly I would have something to love and maybe have the baby could have stopped me cutting. I cried some more as I looked at my wrist I pulled the bandage off and stroked the deep cuts I got some pain from doing this. I had an urge that I couldn't fight. I headed out of the room to find the doctor he was sitting in the control room. He looked up as I walked in. he looked at my uncovered arm.
"come here." He pulled me into his arms.
"I want to cut." I muttered.
"I'm glad you came to me."
"I want my baby." I sobbed.
"Maddie it wasn't you're fault."
"it was."
"how Maddie?"
"I should have told you the minute you took my on board then maybe I could have kept it."
"Maddie it happens I promise you everything will be ok I'm sorry but I think see a therapist is that best thing at the moment."
"please doctor I just want to stay with you please don't make me see a shrink."
"Maddie I'm not trained thought."
"Please just keep me here I promise I wont be any trouble."
The doctor nodded. I pulled away from him .
"I'm tried I'm going to sleep." I walked away slowly I lay on the bed and closed my eyes. I dreamt I was a mum, I could see me holding the baby close to me. It wouldn't have a father though. I place my hands on my stomach and rubbed it wishing to feel a little bit of movement from a baby anything. I opened my eyes and allowed a few tears to slip out. Once they had passed I pulled out my make up mirror the only thing the doctor let me keep, I took my high heeled shoe and smashed it. I picked up the largest shard and dragged it across my wrist,
"this is for you baby." I said softly as blood flowed, my vision blurred for the second time, my breathing became shallow death would finally be mine, but then I noticed that there were people who loved me, the doctor, jean, my family. I pulled myself together in time to wander out into the corridor. I muster my strength and screamed.
"doctor, help me I've cut I'm sorry."
The doctor came running he scooped me up and hurried me to the med bay.
"I'll see the therapist." I gasped, the doctor smiled softly at me as he placed me gently on the nearest medical bed. He placed a mask over my mouth and I took deep breaths of the oxygen. The doctor grabbed my arm gently and looked at my cuts. He sighed before cleaning me up I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 6: talks with an alien
I awoke and found I was back in my own bed I sighed and rolled over I felt dizzy from the blood loss so I lay back down waiting for the doctor to come in. I heard voices outside the room.
"thanks for coming crystal."
"It's fine doctor, how is she?"
"unstable just lost her baby."
"how awful, we'll I've got the best alien anti- depressant medicine ever."
"ah, she's human."
"no worries let me talk to her."
"she's sleeping but come in anyway."
I shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I heard the door open. I felt someone brush the hair off my forehead.
"Maddie wake up sweetheart."
I slowly opened my eyes.
"hello darling."
I smiled. The woman stood next to him and smiled at me.
"hello Maddie I'm crystal from the Venus pysch hospital."
"hello."
"well I'll leave you too alone." He gave me a smile and left the room. I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed.
"Maddie the doctor said you should relax in bed." I nodded and climbed back in.
"well the doctor says you're self harming."
"that's correct."
"and he also said you want to stop."
"that's true."
"and you've just lost you're baby."
"yes I have."
"I'm sorry."
I nodded.
"is it true that the baby was the product of rape?"
"yes."
She nodded before pulling out a notebook.
"I'm just going to make some notes."
I nodded.
"right for our 1st session I'm going to ask you a series of questions that the doctor has already asked you and more answer honestly it's the only way to help you."
I nodded.
"how old are you?"
"19."
"and you're a pysch major?"
"yes I am."
"how long have you been cutting?"
"4 years but didn't get bad until about 6 months ago."
"would you like to tell me why?"
"stress the rape bulling."
She nodded and wrote some more.
"how long did you stop for?"
"I lied to him I didn't stop I cut on the places he couldn't see when he checked."
"couldn't you talk to him?"
"I don't want to be a burden."
"you're not Maddie the doctor cares about you."
"I know but it's like I want to stop but I just can't I'm too scared. I'll break down."
"are you sleeping ok?"
"yes fine."
"that's good."
"I want to stop so badly I wish I'd never made that first cut."
"then we can right that."
"how?"
"I think we need to deal with all the things making you cut and turn them into something positive ."
I smiled and nodded.
"well I think that's enough for today you need you're rest."
Crystal stood and left the room she returned with the doctor.
"I'm setting you some tasks." She said once the doctor was seated on the bed next to her.
"Maddie I want you to talk to the doctor every time you want to cut and also about how you feel about the rape and losing you're baby and doctor I want you to listen and don't let Maddie change the subject I also want you both to do different activities and doctor if Maddie does cut again I want her brought straight to my hospital."
I jumped
"why the doctor can clean me up."
"I want him to stop that because you'll mentally think he'll always fix you're messes and it'll stop you doing it again."
I nodded.
"how deep do they have to be when the hospital gets involved."
"to the point where you pass out."
"fair enough."
Crystal stood.
"I'll be back next week."
The doctor showed her out I lay in bed and thought.
Was I really doing the right thing asking for help. my thoughts were stopped when the doctor walked back in.
"well she seems happy with you."
" is that good?"
"well she hasn't given you any pills she says you seem open enough which means she can help you."
I nodded
"I'm glad you wanted to see her." He said smiling.
"you wanted me to see her."
"for your own good Maddie."
"I know I'm going to take a shower."
I slipped out of bed grabbed some clean clothes and left the doctor sitting on my bed.
Chapter 7: the long and winding road
I'd been with the doctor just over 3 months now I was still seeing crystal it was the 1st time she'd said the doctor and me an activity.
"crystal you must be joking I am not doing karaoke." The doctor said.
"yes you are Maddie loves to sing so you'll go with her don't worry you wont be in public just here."
"fine I'll do it."
"yes." I exclaimed at the top of my voice. The doctor grinned at me as I grabbed his hands and pulled him to our room.
"ok you two who's going 1st you can sing any song."
"I'll go."
I looked through the tracks and picked out the backing track to halo.
I saw the doctor's mouth hang open as I sang I loved this song it was the song I listened to when I didn't want to talk to the doctor. I knew that was going to change. I had to open up to him I was so lost in though and in the song I didn't notice the end of the bed I stepped sideways at the end of the song caught my foot and heard a sickening crack and then pain.
"oww, oww, oww." I screamed
The doctor and crystal ran over to help me.
"you ok?" the doctor asked
"yeah it's fine." I said covering my ankle with my hand. The doctor shifted it and gently pressed it.
"does that hurt."
"nope?"
Both he and crystal glared at me.
"what?" I said innocently.
"don't lie to the doctor he wants to help you." Crystal scolded me.
"but it doesn't hurt."
"ok then walk on it." The doctor said pulling me to my feet. I placed my wait on it. It wobbled and then for the second time I went over on it.
"ok it hurts." I mumbled from the floor.
"then why say it doesn't."
"because I just bother people if they know I;m in pain."
"listen Maddie, I'm called the doctor because I want to help now where does it hurt."
"around my ankle." I pointed just below the bone.
The doctor moved his fingers around it and pressed lightly.
"oww." I muttered.
"sorry."
Crystal took my hand in hers I smiled at her she smiled back.
"I think it's sprained come on we'll go to the med bay and x-ray it."
"urgh I think I should just stay in the med bay since you always seem to take me there can't you just scan it with you're screwdriver?" I asked
"I'd still have to take it to the med bay to read it's results."
"well do I have to come?"
"yes if it's broken then you'll have to go to a hospital I can't fix broken bones."
"urgh fine."
The doctor lifted me up and carried me to the med bay. He smiled softly at me as he walked.
"doctor?" I said as he lowed me on the bed.
"yes."
"can I use the gym."
"Maddie you've just hurt you're ankle you'll not be using the gym."
"I didn't mean this minute I meant once my ankle is ok."
"sure but not for long you're still very light we're still trying to get the weight you lost from the flu back on."
I nodded, crystal looked at me.
"Maddie how come you want to use the gym all of a sudden?"
"just because I didn't use it because of the baby and I was meaning to use It to keep in shape."
Crystal nodded.
The doctor fussed over my ankle while I thought of what the doctor had just said. He wanted me to gain weight but I was huge already wasn't i.
"it's a sprain." He said I jumped slightly.
"I'll strap it up it should be fine in a few weeks."
I nodded.
The doctor wrapped my ankle up I smiled at him and thanked him.
"can I go for a wander."
"where?" the both asked me.
"to the library."
"we'll come." They both said again.
"no! I want to be alone please." I begged.
"Maddie do you want to cut?" crystal asked gently.
"no! I just want some time on my own."
"either one of us comes with you or we check for cuts when you come back."
"what don't you trust me doctor?"
"it's not that Maddie it's just you've been doing so well so far."
"look I'll be fine you've got everything I could cut with I wont cut I promise you can search me for sharp objects if you want."
"doctor she'll be fine she knows what will happen if she cuts." Crystal said.
"but crystal I told her she's got to stay with me until this year is up."
"doctor just leave me alone ok." I yelled leaving the med bay.
Chapter 8: the biggest mistake ever.
I walked into the library and slipped behind a bookcase, I broke down crying they didn't trust me they were just waiting for me to slip up they didn't care I sobbed harder. They wanted me to become fat and ugly and they wanted me to cut so they could send me to a mental hospital.
I cried harder the urge returned I was supposed to open up to them well things were going to change if they can't find me they can't do anything to me.
I stood and hurried down the corridor I changed into my black jeans my black and white long sleeved shirt and hurried to the TARDIS control room I pressed a few random buttons and the TARDIS gave a lurch before stopping. I threw open the doors and was hit with artic winds I heard footsteps approaching the control room I hurried out in to the blistering cold wind. The doors shut behind me. I walked as fast as I could my head bowed against the wind. I hurried onwards the wind turned to hail the ice cut at my face but I kept going until my lips and hands were blue. I slipped on the ice and fell on my face. I lay there in the snow and ice my ankle throbbed my body hurt I was going to die, I smiled at myself. I lay there and waited for death to take me. Then I heard it voices they were getting closer.
"Maddie??" they shouted it was the doctor and crystal, I crawled onwards away from them.
"there over there doctor I see movement." Crystal yelled. I forced myself to lie still the icy hail was cutting and biting at all exposed skin on my body.
"Maddie??" the voice shouted again. darkness was seeping into my mind. I lay down in a more comfortable position and was ready for the darkness. I heard the voices still calling they were getting closer I prayed they wouldn't find me but my prayers were ignored. I felt hands on my head.
"she's freezing." I heard crystal explain. My clothes were soaked I shivered as warm hands touched me.
"no" I muttered. The both ignored me. What the doctor said next was enough to have me trying to run away again.
"we have to get her back to the TARDIS and get her out of these wet clothes. "
I struggled to sit up before trying to move away hands pulled me down. I struggled.
"Maddie keep still stop fighting."
"just…. Leave… me…. Alone." I said through gritted teeth.
"we can't do that." Crystal said softly stroking my soaking hair.
"go away just leave me alone." I said again.
"Maddie I'm sorry about this but you need help." the doctor pulled out a needle from his jacket it was filled with a blue liquid. This only set me off kicking and screaming with the last bit of energy I had left.
"NO!! DON'T YOU DARE DON'T YOU DARE GET AWAY FROM ME." I screamed as I kicked out at the doctor I moved as much as I could crystal helped him hold my arm to my side.
"please don't please." I begged.
"I'm sorry Maddie it'll just make you sleep."
"no!! please don't please." I screamed as he slipped the needle into my vein.
"shush don't fight it. Don't fight it." He said as he stroked my cheek.
"no I wont sleep I wont…I wont." My eyelids began to drop I fought to keep them open.
"good girl that's it just close you're eyes don't fight it." That was the last thing I heard as darkness took me.
I awoke in the doctors arms I could still feel the bitter cold he hadn't got me back to the TARDIS yet.
"doctor she's waking up." Crystal said., as she noticed my eyelids were opening.
"Maddie listen to me don't fight just stay still." He said in a firm voice.
"whats the point you're going to send me to a mental hospital." I said as a few tears slipped down my cheek.
"what makes you think that you've come so far we don't want you slipping up you're entering the hardest part of recovery."
"shut up." I hissed at crystal.
"Maddie don't be like that she only cares."
"I didn't want to see her I didn't want to come with you I didn't want to stop I didn't want to lose my baby I didn't want to be raped I didn't want to be bullied I didn't want any of this but it happened."
"Maddie please don't talk like that jean cares about you."
"if she cared she would have left me."
"Maddie she cares about you, loads she only wants the best for you."
"I don't want the best I want this pathetic excuses for a life to be over."
" look, maddie I hate hearing you talk like this it's stupid you want to start over then you want just give up, you've had enough of trying to help yourself well here's news for you, jean and me wont give up just because you have, welcome to the thing I didn't want to do you thought my last way of treatment was horrible wait till we start the next session." The doctor said as anger dripped from his voice.
"w….what are you going to do."
"everything about privlages doesn't exist anymore you get 20 minutes in the bathroom when you go in you don't leave my side if you cut or you try anything like this again I will go full pysch ward on you and you'll start a course of anti-depressants do I make myself clear."
I said nothing tears flowed down my face, we reached the TARDIS the doctor place me on a bed and I rolled over with my back to him. he tried to turn me back over but I fought against him.
"leave me alone." I sobbed.
"don't be upset Maddie I'm sorry I got mad at you, I just want to you to be safe."
"why is that? So jean will pay you or whatever."
"no that's not it, I care because….because I…. I.. love you."
The doctor dipped his head and claimed my lips. I moaned into his mouth.
He grinned as we pulled apart. Crystal gave a little cheer we smiled at her.
"I'll go now Maddie I'll see you next week." The TARDIS gave a lurch as it landed on venus.
"doctor I love you too." I said as he kissed me again. he smiled at me and then it dawned on him that I was lying in soaking wet clothes and was shivering.
"come on sweetheart lets get you out of those wet clothes."
Chapter 9: ill again.
A week after my little suicide attempt me and the doctor had returned from the beach, That night we sat in the room and talked.
"thanks for everything." I said as I snuggled into his chest.
"you're welcome."
"are we official or just a fling."
"official I wont leave you."
"can we watch a film?"
"sure."
We settled down and watched mean girls before turning in the doctor rolled out his sleeping bag.
"doctor come sleep next to me." I said patting the empty space next to me. He smiled and climbed into the bed next to me he drapped his arm around my waist and placed a kiss on my cheek.
"sleep well angel."
"sleep well doctor."
I drifted off to sleep in the arms of the man I loved and who loved me.
The next morning was not a good start I rolled over and groaned as a dull pounding started in my head, I placed my hands over it to try and soothe some of the pain, I felt a warm shape next to me, I snuggled into the doctor feeling his warmth against my pounding head. He was still sleeping, my stomach began to hurt, I had no idea what was going on, my stomach lurched and I felt the familiar signs of having the flu. I prayed it wasn't true. I decided the best thing to do would be to wake the doctor he'd be able to help. I nudged him he groaned and opened his eyes.
"good morning angel you ok?"
"no I feel awful."
He jumped up and felt my forehead.
"You're burning up babe."
I groaned.
"what symptoms do you have?"
"headache , my legs hurts, I feel sick, it's the same as when I had the flu only worse." I said allowing a few tears to flow down my cheeks. The doctor scooped me up and carried me towards the med bay again. he placed me on a bed and ran tests I was too out of it to care.
"Maddie you've got heat exhaustion I'm so sorry I should have know that planet was too hot for you."
"I'll be fine don't worry doctor, I just need some water then I'll be fine." I stood up from the bed the room span and my world went black.
Once the darkness lifted I found I was back on the bed my head was pounding, I groaned I felt very sick. I tried to slip of the bed and into the nearest bathroom to be sick. The doctor grabbed me and stopped me leaving the bed, I struggled but the sickening feeling of vomit was rising in my throat I turned my head away from the doctor and allowed the vomit to flow the doctor jumped out of the way he slipped a bucket under my mouth as I was violently sick. Once it had stopped, I flopped onto the bed as the doctor cleaned up, he soon returned and took my hand in his.
"I'm sorry." I muttered.
"shush it's not you're fault. It's mine I'm going to make you feel better baby." He said softly. I groaned again.
"doctor I don't think it's just one think please do more tests I feel like I'm dying." I sobbed.
"baby you're fine I promise. It's just heat exhaustion will you let me cool you down."
"please."
The doctor left the room I groaned and turned over slowly my head was pounding everything hurt. The doctor soon returned with a basin and a flannel, he looked at me as my eyes flicked from the basin to the flannel to the doctor. He smiled softly.
"I'm sorry baby, but I need to take you're shirt and jeans off I'll leave you're underwear on." He said as he helped me sit up. I allowed him to pull my shirt off. He laided me back down and helped me raise my hips so he could remove my pj bottoms. I lay on the medical bed in front of the doctor in my black underwear he dipped the flannel into the basin and gently wiped my forehead he washed ever exposed piece of skin until my body was soaked. I smiled at him as he placed a cooling blanket over me. He took my arm gently and injected me with something he also clamped something over my wrist I looked down and saw a band.
"what's this?" I asked
"I'll explain later. Just sleep now."